DATING Discuss what is expected in your culture, who asks whom out, where you go, what you wear. MARRIAGE Discuss how marriage is looked at in your culture. Is parental approval necessary? Are there arranged marriages? What are the roles of husband and wife? How are children raised? How is the household arranged? OTHER CULTURES Discuss what type of exposure you and your community have had with other cultures. Have you previously lived with a person from a different culture? What stereotypes do you have of your roommate’s nationality? EDUCATION Discuss the school system from your home community. What language(s) is/are used in school? What is the typical classroom setting like? What is the teacher’s style and attitude toward students? What is the role of students and what is expected in terms of behavior and class participation? Contents Introduction........................................................ ...................... 3 Communication: Beyond Talking........................ ...................... 4 When Actions Speak Louder Non­verbal Communication ................... ...................... 6 When Your Roommate Can’t Speak or Understand English ........................... ...................... 7
Eggshells: Sensitive Topics................................ ...................... 9 POLITICS Discuss how political leaders get their power. What type of government system did you grow up with and what was it like? What types of freedoms did you have? What was the attitude toward the military? How are policies and laws determined? RELIGION Discuss personal beliefs and types of faith, if any, that you grew up with. What is your home country’s major religion, and what effect does this have on everyday life? What holidays are celebrated, when and how?
­14­ Ideas for Activities.............................................. .................... 11 Things to Talk About and Places to Go .............. .................... 14 More About Cross­Cultural Relationships ........... .................... 15
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT AND PLACES TO GO This section gives some ideas for discussion and activities that may help you get to know your roommate better. The first rule is that any topic is okay to discuss, as long as both you and your roommate are comfortable discussing it. If either of you are not, try another topic. The second rule is that any topic will have at least two points of view, because you represent two different cultures. Neither perspective is right or wrong, they may simply be different. Enjoy your discussions, explore your differences, and discover the similarities you share. Remember, discussions are healthy; debates can make others feel uncomfortable. It’s important to agree to respect each other throughout any discussions you may have. POINTS FOR DISCUSSION FAMILIES Discuss numbers of brothers and sisters. Is this a typical family size? Who is the head of the household? What are the relationships and roles for male and female family members, grandparents, and children? Describe ways to express love and affection, pride and concern. COMMUNITY Discuss size, location, climate, transportation systems, local government, how people relate to each other, community involvement and organizations. SOCIAL LIFE Discuss what you do to be social, what type of parties you attend, what is expected in terms of giving and receiving gifts. ­13­
CONVERSATION PARTNERS The Advantage New international students living on campus are invited to participate in a program called Conversation Partners. This is a free program that has been established to help welcome these students and to help them adjust to life in the United States and the UNI campus. Conversation partners are volunteers usually from the United States who are interested in interacting and assisting new students from other countries. Partners are encouraged to have contact every week, and to enjoy social and cultural opportunities together. If this program interests you, become involved! Call the Culture and Intensive English Program office at 273­2182. Conversation Partners is an outstanding program that will create lifelong friendships. ­12­ Congratulations! You have been assigned a roommate from a country other than your own. You have a unique and exciting opportunity to share information about your culture and to learn more about another country and its culture from your new roommate. Here at the University of Northern Iowa Residence Halls, we value diversity. You and your roommate have the advantage of a new and different cultural experience built right into your residence hall room. Take advantage of this opportunity and learn from each other. Good luck as you begin your journey of discovery! ­1­
IDEAS FOR ACTIVITIES The following can be the basis for enjoyable things to do and see together. ~Participate in residence hall and house activities ~Go to various shopping malls ~Visit nearby cities ~Attend sporting events at UNI or at local high schools ~Attend various church services from different religions ~Explore recycling centers ~Visit historical sites and museums ~Attend city council meetings ~Visit a farm or explore rural areas around the university ~Visit various factories and businesses ~Go to performances, art exhibits, community plays ~Travel to a ski resort ~Go to the movies at a local theater What may be very familiar to an American student may be a fascinating and new experience for a non­American roommate. For instance, student activities on a college campus may be a completely new concept. Encourage each other to get involved in all that UNI has to offer! ­11­
DRINKING AND DRUGS The minimum drinking age in the United States is 21, but in many other countries it is often much lower. Alcohol is used in different ways and for different occasions in other cultures. Oftentimes it is not considered a legal issue, just an everyday part of life. Do not encourage an international roommate to drink if he or she is underage. Both roommates should become familiar with expectations concerning alcohol consumption in the residence halls and on campus. Both roommates should also keep in mind that marijuana and many other drugs are illegal in the U.S. Ask questions if you are unsure. EMPLOYMENT and FINANCES Many international students have visas that do not permit them to have a job off campus. They are usually allowed to work on campus at dining centers, the library, and campus offices. Also, tuition for international students is significantly higher than tuition for a native Iowan. Both roommates may have limited financial resources for entertainment and travel, so be considerate. HOLIDAYS Holiday breaks can be lonely times for many international students. The residence halls echo, the dining centers are closed, and roommates and housemates are probably gone. Many students don’t understand what the holidays mean or why they are celebrated the way they are. American roommates can help non­Americans learn about the United States and its traditions and people by talking about holidays, by decorating the room, and by inviting the roommate to spend part or all the holidays with the American family. International roommates can also encourage roommates to share their holidays, perhaps decorating a room for a major celebration from their culture. CLASSES START TOMORROW, BUT TODAY YOU MEET YOUR NEW ROOMMATE. WHAT WILL HE OR SHE BE LIKE? Every student wonders what his or her roommate will be like. Students who have a roommate from another country for the first time will probably wonder even more. Many roommates discover that what may begin as a tentative relationship develops into a life­long friendship. There is no single rule that guarantees compatibility between roommates from different cultures. There are, however, some tips that can help make cross­cultural residence living one of the most enjoyable and memorable college experiences. Read through this brochure with your roommate. It’s a great way to share ideas, discuss different points and enjoy getting acquainted. ACADEMIC PRESSURES It’s important to remember that both roommates are here first and foremost to get an education. Respecting each other’s needs for quiet, for study time, and for adequate sleep should be a priority. RELIGION Your practices, traditions, and needs as they relate to your personal beliefs may be similar to your roommate, or may differ significantly. Respect is the key word when considering your roommate’s religious practices. ­10­ ­3­
EGGSHELLS COMMUNICATION: BEYOND TALKING The American Heritage Dictionary defines talking as “to articulate…to speak of or discuss in words.” It defines communicate as “to have an interchange of ideas…to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood.” In other words, talking is one person telling another person something of importance. Communication is a two­way process, with both people sharing their ideas and listening to one another. Good communication is the basis for all enjoyable roommate relationships. Following are some possible causes of roommate mis­ communication: ANXIETY It’s normal to be nervous when you meet your new roommate. That person is probably as nervous as you are. In the beginning, try to focus on the commonalities instead of the differences. Soon, you will see the differences as strengths which can help you learn more about yourself and others. FIRST IMPRESSIONS Your roommate may be dressed in a way that is unfamiliar to you. His or her skin may be white, olive, brown, or black. Your roommate may enjoy dining center food or long for the familiar dishes of home. Regardless of how your roommate looks, speaks, or thinks, there is much to be shared and learned from him or her. It is important to communicate with your roommate so you can better understand your first impressions. ­4­ “Walking on eggshells” is a phrase that means discussing sensitive topics very carefully. This section discusses some areas that can be “eggshells” for some roommates. Knowing and discussing them before they arise will help you to deal with them more easily. SEX You may have different attitudes than your roommate about sexual behavior, based on your personal values and background. Many students come from cultures where premarital sex is absolutely forbidden. They are shocked and embarrassed when a roommate’s significant other spends the night in their room. Some choose to sleep elsewhere, even in a public area. Others may stay in their rooms but feel uncomfortable. The residence hall room belongs equally to both roommates. It is unfair for one person to create an environment that causes embarrassment or discomfort to the other. Discuss this situation before it arises and respect each other’s personal values. Talk to your resident assistant or hall coordinator if you feel uncomfortable discussing it with your roommate. They can give ideas, and can bring roommates together to openly discuss concerns. BATHING American college students may tend to shower or bathe a minimum of once each day. Body odor and physical appearance is usually of great importance to American college students. Realizing this, roommates are encouraged to be sensitive to the bathing habits of the respective culture and adjust. Hot water is always available for showers or baths, and restrooms are accessible 24 hours a day. If differences in personal hygiene become an issue, try discussing your concerns with your roommate. Be sensitive and understanding, and again feel free to get your RA involved if necessary. ­9­
The very best thing an American Roommate can do to help a Non­American roommate learn English More quickly is to talk with him or her. Following are some suggestions for American students to help CIEP students learn English more easily and quickly: Slow your speech a little, but not so much that it sounds unnatural. Be sure you maintain the regular rhythm of English sentences since this is a difficult aspect of English to learn. Your patient example is extremely helpful. Speak clearly but do not raise your voice. A loud voice actually distorts sound and makes it much more difficult for your roommate to understand. Your roommate is not deaf, just learning English. Avoid slang or explain what you said in other words. Very few students learn slang expressions when they are studying English in their home countries. When they do learn some expressions, they are often out of date. Be willing to be a friendly dictionary of slang terms and gestures. Correct pronunciation when it interferes with meaning or might cause embarrassment to your roommate (for example: saying one word but intending a different but very similar word like “sheet” and “shit”). Some non­American students are very worried about their pronunciation and accent, and they really want help from their roommates. Others are not concerned about this, and may resent your correction. Ask your roommate how much help he or she wants. Be encouraging when your roommate makes efforts that are difficult, and share in the final success when he or she understands something new. Explain grammatical nuances, such as synonyms and homonyms (there, their, and they’re). English can be tricky in this sense. ­8­ UNDERSTANDING WORDS AND PHRASES DIFFERENTLY Every language has its ways of saying one thing but meaning another. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to learn these subtleties from a textbook. Therefore during the first couple of months, you and your roommate may frequently discover that you don’t understand information in quite the same way. Sometimes misunderstandings are funny, sometimes not. It is important to be forgiving. Be prepared to laugh at your self and with each other. Patience and understanding will be extremely helpful. ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT YOUR VALUES You may be inclined to think that the values and concepts you grew up believing are right, and that your roommate’s are wrong. Americans are perhaps the most individualistic people in the world, which tends to make them very independent, informal, creative and highly motivated. But to someone from a group­oriented culture, Americans may be viewed as selfish, self­centered, disrespectful of authority and age, and uncaring toward their family, friends, and roommates. Unless you discuss your values with your roommate, and why you believe they are important, you may both make assumptions that are not accurate or fair to the other person. Ask your roommate how he or she feels, and explain how you feel. Be sure to share why you feel the way you do, and where you learned your values (school, family, religion). REACTING TO NEGATIVE SITUATIONS DIFFERENTLY When roommates deal with conflict and anger in different ways, it may be difficult for both people. It is important to talk about how you deal with conflict and negative events and find out how your roommate may react before a situation arises. If a situation does come up, try to discuss your feelings after the fact, learning as much as you can about your roommate. GETTING TO…OR AROUND…THE POINT Many Americans value directness—saying exactly what one means—in conversation and writing. In a conversation, this might mean openly criticizing another student, teacher, or roommate. In an essay, it might mean saying in only one paragraph what a student from a less­direct culture might use a page to say. Roommates need to be patient with each other and be certain that both know what the other person is saying. This includes discussing expectations for sharing room expenses such as refrigerator, decorations, television and other furnishings. If you are unsure of the point, don’t guess; ask. ­5­
WHEN ACTIONS SPEAK LOUNDER THAN WORDS; NON­VERBAL COMMUNICATION Just as every language has ways of communicating one thing and meaning another, so every language has an entire vocabulary of non­verbal communication. Four of the most important forms of non­verbal communication are explained below. GESTURES These can be both conscious and unconscious. They include body movements such as pointing with a finger, raising an eyebrow, or shrugging a shoulder. They are used for such things as to agree or disagree with something, to add emphasis, and to change the meaning of spoken words. To those familiar with a culture, the meaning of frequent gestures is instinctive, but to someone unfamiliar with the culture, gestures can be bewildering. Both roommates have a life­long learned set of gestures that are used commonly, perhaps even without thinking. Be sure you take the time to learn what your roommate is silently saying. TIME This refers to what constitutes “promptness” in a specific culture and how much importance is placed on whether people are “on time” or not. Americans place a high value on being on time; teachers count students tardy who arrive at class after the bell rings, and a woman may get annoyed when her date arrives 20 minutes later than agreed upon. In many other cultures, this reliance on time is not valued; in fact a reliance on time may be seen as interfering with friendships and restricting personal expression and freedom. There may be tension between roommates when one person is very time­ oriented and the other is more relaxed. SPACE This refers to how physically close to another person you like to be when interacting face to face. Personal space, like gestures, is very culturally defined. Americans tend to like a lot of space, perhaps 20­ 24 inches when they interact with others. Many Latin American and Mediterranean cultures prefer small amounts of space, often touching each other when they speak. Many Asian cultures prefer even more space than Americans. ­6­ It can be both frustrating and funny when you and your roommate have very different ideas about personal space. Discuss what makes each of you comfortable and then try to respect the distance that feels most comfortable for both of you. PRIVACY This is often linked to a cultural attitude toward space, in this case internal rather than external space. Many Americans are comfortable sharing their feelings with other people, sometimes even with people they don’t know very well. In contrast, other students are very uncomfortable discussing any personal feelings, ideas and beliefs. It is important to move slowly in this area. Discuss what you are comfortable with, and be careful to respect what your roommate may feel about sharing personal information. Also keep in mind that, for an international student, the room is their only space. They cannot go home to “get away” for a weekend, and they have no other space for their personal belongings. WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE CAN’T SPEAK OR UNDERSTAND ENGLISH Most non­American students fall into two categories: those who are regular academic students and those who are specifically studying English in the Culture and Intensive English Program (CIEP). Regular academic students have English language skills that enable them to follow classroom lectures and write papers. These students can usually communicate quite well in English. The students who are here in the CIEP program specifically to study English will be able to read and write English, but may not be able to speak or understand spoken English when they first arrive. The inability to speak or understand English is not a reflection of the intelligence of the students, but rather of the type of foreign language instruction they received in their home countries. In fact, many international students are learning English as their third or fourth language. If you and your roommate cannot talk to each other immediately, or have conversations limited to two­ and three­word sentences, don’t worry. In a few weeks, your roommate will be more conversational. In the meantime, try to learn some of your roommate’s language as they learn yours. ­7­
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT CROSS­CULTURAL RELATIONSHIPS? Visit the International Services Office in the International Services House on campus for more information about international students, or contact the Culture and Intensive English Office in Baker Hall to sign up as a conversation partner with an international student. Following are some websites and books you might find interesting. There are many others written specifically to help non­Americans as they adjust to American customs. Contact International Services for more information. www.tolerance.com www.internationalstudents.org www.internationalstudent.com www.nafsa.org Ethics in intercultural and international communication edited by Fred L. Casmir. Mahwah, N.J. : Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1997
The Global Connection Living With Your International Roommate University of Northern Iowa