D ow
GOtO
o kn
g
rs
nts and care
re
a
p
r
fo
e
ic
adv
on bullying
of teenagers
good
good to know
This leaflet is for parents of teenagers. There is a further leaflet
for parents of primary school children.
The leaflets provide information for parents to
help them consider how to help and support
their children to be confident and happy in
their relationships with others.
As parents of teenagers you are doing one of
the most challenging jobs around – logistics
expert, domestic engineer, teacher,
counsellor, mediator…all feature in your
remit. At times relied on by your son or
daughter, at times ignored, it’s hard to
balance interest, concern, support and
respect for his or her independence.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
to know
Relationships with friends and others are part of everyday life for young people.
Things can go well when teenagers have the skills to cope with ups and downs.
But bullying is a real concern for many parents – how to ensure teenagers cope
with bullying and how to respond if they are bullying others.
tion
rma
info
ul
Usef
g
g
lyin
bul
and
ols
Scho
g
g
l?
wel
g s
goin estion
Not e sugg
Som
s
ion
tat
– ir expec
now d fa
o K t an
d t ppor
Goo tive su
posi
g
1/2
“
good to know
Life should not be a popu
larity contest, but to
teenagers it may feel tha
t way at times. Fitting in
with friends, fashion, an
d society’s stereotyped
expectations of teenagers
can be real concerns
for young people. Parents
can encourage young
people to become confide
nt and independent by
recognising these needs
while setting realistic
limits on acceptable beha
viour.
“
It is normal to want to fit in with peers – this is part of
healthy social development. But being a slave to other
people’s ideas of fashion or style can be a sign of peer
pressure or low self-esteem.
Try to encourage your teenager to feel proud of who they
are. Tell them they are great every now and then.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
“
It is also normal for young people to dress to identify with
groups or to represent their taste in music. Don’t expect your
teenager’s sense of taste to be an exact match with your own.
“
Set limits by asking other parents what is realistic, it might
not be true that ‘everyone’ has the latest expensive gear. Most
young people adapt their school uniform to create some form
of individual identity, but uniforms can also help parents to
set limits and keep extra spending under control. If the
school feels the dress code has been stretched too far, then
encourage your teenager to rein in their experimentation, at
least while in school.
Strong friendship groups can be a great source of support and
fun – except for the ones who feel left out. All parents want their
teenagers to avoid the ‘bad crowd’, but it is tricky to try and
influence who your teenager wants to be friendly with.
“
Help your teenager to find space for friendships and to meet
in a safe place. Show an interest in friends without being too
intrusive – their friends may appreciate being shown some
respect by an adult, just as you would hope other adults
would treat your teenager.
3/4
“
“
“
It’s not so good if you hear your teenager dismissing, laughing
at or excluding others (even when the other people are not there).
Expect that your teenager will show as much respect to others as
you do (teenagers still look up to and learn from their parents, in
spite of how much they pretend to ignore you). Make it clear that
any disrespect shown to others is out of order.
Some young people prefer 1:1 friendships. Close friendships can
be good, but if they don’t last, it can be sore.
Try to encourage your teenager to keep up a range of contacts
rather than exclusive friends.
Young people change, grow and learn at different paces. Teenagers
may grow out of their friends, or be left behind themselves.
Encourage your teenager to accept change as a normal part of
life. Change is not always comfortable at the time, but can be
positive. Point out the qualities people learn when things are
tough – strength and resilience. But if it feels really too tough or
painful, talk about what you can do to help, perhaps being the
friend your son or daughter needs until their own friendships
are sorted out.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
“
Using ‘in’ expressions and words is one way of fitting in and
helps young people in groups identify with each other. But
terms used to put others down can be seen as discrimination
or prejudice. Be careful though, check what your teenager
understands by their language before you accuse them of
discrimination – it may not mean what you think it does!
“
“
Discrimination and prejudice has to be a big clear no-go
message from you to your teenager. But it is about more than
words. Young people need a clear sense that everyone has equal
value and they need to learn this from you as well as from
their school.
You can do your teenager a favour by setting clear rules and
boundaries. If they really need to say ‘no’ to their peers to
avoid going along with things they don’t want to do, then the
phrase ‘no, my mum and dad would ground me for a week’
can come in handy for them!
“
You can support teenagers to learn some more useful skills in
standing up for their own needs and wants, and their sense of
what is right. Discuss with your teenager what styles of
communication are aggressive, passive or assertive. Do they
appreciate the difference?
5/6
e
c
n
e
r
fe
if
D
e
th
g
n
ti
Apprecia
communication style
's
er
ag
en
te
ur
yo
at
g
in
- Look
things
mistakes, it’s ok to not get
ke
ma
to
ok
it’s
l
fee
le
op
pe
Assertive young
engths and
believe they have skills, str
to
ok
it’s
t
tha
d
an
e,
tim
right all of the
nt without
what they want and don’t wa
say
to
ok
l
fee
ey
Th
s.
tie
ali
good qu
ive by watching
ung people learn to be assert
Yo
.
tic
ge
olo
ap
or
e
rud
ing
be
friends.
ll as by learning from their
you and other adults as we
aggressive -
g
top of this
‘I’m going to come out on
it’s a tough
even if I have to be mean –
world so toughen up!’
passive -
g
ht/are
‘I’m sure other people are rig
with
ng
more important, I’ll go alo
whatever’.
assertive LET’S STOP BULLYING
g
a right to
‘I’m ok and you’re ok. I have
be happy and be myself’.
thFeRESHcode
with
k about getting on
in
th
to
s
er
ag
en
te
ing code:
Parents can help
to use the follow
em
th
g
in
ag
ur
others by enco
ted fairly
ea
tr
be
to
ct
pe
ex
d
n
be fair to others a
care for others
w
o
sh
d
n
a
,
te
li
po
be
ers join in
th
o
t
le
d
n
a
ly
d
n
ie
be fr
tell someone
,
rt
u
h
re
a
ou
y
if
and
avoid hurting others
try to tell the truth
essages
These simple mle of all
work for peop l, in the
ages, at schoo at home.
workplace and
7/8
not going well?
g
things
nting a teenager, but two
re
pa
to
s
ge
en
all
ch
ny
There are ma
t your own
en you are concerned tha
stand out: what to do wh
to do
bullying others; and what
e
olv
inv
t
gh
mi
ur
vio
ha
teenager’s be
bullied.
teenager might be being
ur
yo
t
tha
d
ne
er
nc
co
e
when you ar
Bullying?
ntact is
gers, much of their social co
na
tee
are
ren
ild
ch
ur
yo
e
By the tim
s towards
ch of how your child behave
mu
too
e
se
t
no
y
ma
u
Yo
nt.
independe
n be much
u, as every parent knows, ca
yo
s
ard
tow
ur
vio
ha
be
eir
others. Th
t if teachers
sent to the outside world! Bu
pre
y
the
ur
vio
ha
be
the
n
worse tha
your teenager,
bullying incident involving
a
en
be
s
ha
re
the
ort
rep
or others
nt.
ur teenager will be importa
your help and support to yo
g
Fair
ur teenager
nt to be fair, this will help yo
wa
u
yo
t
tha
ow
sh
d
an
lm
Keep ca
es on solving
l help if your teenager focus
wil
It
.
ers
oth
me
bla
to
ing
avoid try
to avoid punishment.
the problem rather than trying
LET’S STOP BULLYING
g
Respect
g
Engage
courage. It may
we have done wrong takes
s
ng
thi
for
lity
ibi
ns
po
res
Taking
ngs right and
ger to go into school, put thi
na
tee
ur
yo
for
le
ab
ort
mf
co
feel un
respect them for doing this.
move forward, so show you
ss his or her
r what has happened. Discu
ge
na
tee
ur
yo
h
wit
ly
lm
ca
Discuss
feeling.
the other people involved are
ine
ag
im
y
the
w
ho
ask
d
an
feelings
ider how
young people forget to cons
e
us
ca
be
s
en
pp
ha
en
oft
Bullying
or words.
d or upset by their actions
sse
rra
ba
em
rt,
hu
be
y
ma
others
g
Safe
wrong. This
en discussing what has gone
wh
e
saf
l
fee
st
mu
r
ge
na
Your tee
, must
ing their parents and teachers
lud
inc
m,
the
d
un
aro
s
ult
ad
means
orted.
lve the problem will be supp
so
to
pts
em
att
t
tha
ar
cle
make
9/10
g
Honest
Discuss with your teenager
their own needs, hopes and
worries. Is there
anything going wrong for the
m that has made them act
out and hurt others?
While supporting teenagers
to put things right, parents
should not condone
poor behaviour. If the bully
ing has involved racist or ho
mophobic language
or words against a disabled
person, then it is important
to consider whether
your teenager has a prejudice
that needs to be challenged.
Your teenager’s
future in the workplace, colle
ge or university may depend
on their ability to
treat all people with equal reg
ard.
Bullied?
Bullying affects teenagers in
different ways. Some teena
gers may have low
expectations of how they wil
l be treated by others, and
bullying confirms
their low self-esteem. Other
teenagers may laugh off bu
llying and by
joining in with some self-m
ockery, to try to give the im
pression it does not
affect them. Some teenagers
try overly hard to fit in. Whate
ver their way of
handling it, bullying can ma
ke teenagers feel absolutely
miserable.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
Bullying can happen to an
yone – to shy and confide
nt teenagers,
large and small, for any
reason. You may suspec
t your teenager is
being singled out becaus
e of racism or other preju
dice.
Many teenagers keep bully
ing to themselves – there is
a strong culture in
our society against being a
‘grass’ or a ‘clype’, or teena
gers may feel that
telling will make things wo
rse. So parents should be aw
are of signs that
may indicate their teenager
is being bullied:
• Sustained low mood or an
ger
• Change in behaviour tow
ards parents or brothers and
sisters, or others
close to them
• Obvious signs of physica
l hurt or damage to belongin
gs
• Unwillingness to go to sc
hool, or truanting from scho
ol
• Other signs of stress, su
ch as changes in eating or
sleeping patterns,
anxiety or nervousness
• Getting involving in bad
or risky behaviour in order
to ‘fit in’ with their
peer group
11/12
to make the
in goals in the situation:
ma
o
tw
e
ar
re
the
l
fee
y
You ma
l strong
teenager recover and fee
ur
yo
lp
he
to
d
an
p,
sto
bullying
your
cky to balance respect for
tri
is
It
.
ing
lly
bu
e
ur
fut
against
it right for
a strong desire to make
d
an
e
nc
de
en
ep
ind
r’s
teenage
them, in the
ur actions will empower
yo
w
ho
r
ide
ns
co
to
Try
them.
situation they are in.
Your support:
hout the
alone with your teenager wit
• Try to spend some time
ps doing
s and domestic chores, perha
ter
sis
d
an
rs
the
bro
of
on
cti
distra
joys.
something your teenager en
t their hopes and
out feelings in general, abou
ab
k
tal
to
m
the
t
ge
to
Try
t the
•
your own. This may help se
are
Sh
s.
rrie
wo
ir
the
as
ll
ambitions as we
t bullying to be shared.
scene for information abou
t
ntiality. They should know tha
de
nfi
co
r’s
ge
na
tee
ur
yo
ct
• Try to respe
You
act without their agreement.
n’t
wo
u
yo
t
tha
d
an
u,
yo
st
they can tru
ious,
ion, that the situation is so ser
rat
ide
ns
co
d
an
e
car
e
du
er
may feel, aft
lain
the case, be prepared to exp
is
s
thi
If
st.
tru
ir
the
ach
bre
you have to
t this.
deal with their feelings abou
to
d
an
r,
ge
na
tee
ur
yo
to
s
your action
• Listen!
LET’S STOP BULLYING
lem:
Your help to solve the prof ob
ly.
the story – slowly and calm
ts
• Help to sort out all the fac
portant that you
want to happen next? It is im
r
ge
na
tee
ur
yo
es
do
at
Wh
•
with information.
, once they have trusted you
listen and respect their views
with the
s together about how to cope
• You may consider strategie
them.
enge should not be among
bullying, but fighting or rev
Take action:
a tough
to take action. This can be
u
yo
nt
wa
t
no
y
ma
r
ge
na
• Your tee
back.
to avoid going behind their
nt
wa
l
wil
u
yo
as
ts,
ren
pa
choice for
cuss this
ir safety and wellbeing, dis
the
t
ou
ab
ed
ern
nc
co
are
u
But, if yo
the
sons why you will approach
rea
the
m
the
e
giv
d
an
m,
with the
nager.
ung people as well as your tee
yo
er
oth
g
tin
ec
aff
be
y
ma
It
school.
school time to
know honestly and allow the
u
yo
t
tha
ts
fac
the
all
are
• Sh
find out more and respond.
barrasses them.
res your child, rather than em
• Take action which reassu
involved.
ss and respect to all people
Keep calm, and show fairne
e and
that your teenager feels saf
–
nt
wa
u
yo
me
tco
ou
the
• Focus on
ain.
d them and enjoys school ag
hin
be
ies
ult
fic
dif
the
ts
pu
respected,
with.
the bullies should be dealt
w
ho
t
ou
rk
wo
to
ol
ho
sc
It is for the
13/14
haviour
e
b
e
iv
it
s
o
p
,
ls
o
o
h
Sc
and anti-bullying
ct
u can also expew
Yo
be
ld
ou
sh
r
You or your teenage
the school to follo
of
er
mb
me
y
the FRESH code:
able to speak to an
staff in the school, if your
sides of the
• The school must hear all
is being
e
sh
or
he
ls
fee
r
ge
na
tee
y have
story – other young people ma
ing
be
e
ar
s
er
oth
if
or
d,
llie
bu
going
different views about what is
guidance
the
be
y
ma
is
Th
d.
llie
bu
fair.
on. The school will try to be
cher, or
tea
n
tio
tra
gis
re
or
er
ch
tea
all of the
• The school should treat
ol staff
ho
sc
of
er
mb
me
er
oth
y
an
t and
pupils involved with respec
ls
fee
r
ge
na
tee
ur
yo
o
wh
dignity.
comfortable with.
gage the
• The school will try to en
the
pupils and parents in solving
the same
e
tak
n
the
ld
ou
sh
l
oo
sch
e
Th
problem.
pportive,
steps as a good parent; be su
ibility to
• The school has a respons
d if
an
m
ble
pro
the
lve
so
to
lp
he
ile at
ensure all pupils are safe wh
bullying.
p
sto
to
ion
act
e
tak
ry
ssa
ce
ne
the school.
ss openly
• The school should discu
or other
and honestly any bullying
pupils
problems with parents of the
involved.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
ce to
mber of measures in pla
nu
a
ve
ha
to
d
cte
pe
ex
e
Schools ar
ur:
promote positive behavio
ming and caring.
The school should feel welco
–
s
ho
et
ol
ho
sc
e
iv
sit
A po
nised by
school rules which are recog
ar
Cle
–
ds
ar
w
re
d
an
Rules
ognised with
od behaviour by pupils is rec
Go
ts.
ren
pa
ing
lud
inc
e,
on
every
ing appreciation.
and parents can help by show
,
tes
ica
rtif
ce
as
ch
su
s
ard
rew
llying policy
hools should have an anti-bu
sc
All
–
y
lic
po
ing
lly
bu
Antibullying.
will prevent and respond to
ol
ho
sc
the
w
ho
tes
sta
ich
wh
s to learn to
The school should help pupil
–
n
tio
ina
im
cr
dis
g
lin
Tack
allenge prejudice.
treat others equally and to ch
to learn or to
times pupils need extra help
me
So
–
t
or
pp
su
al
ion
Addit
d and planned
al help should be discusse
ion
dit
Ad
.
life
ol
ho
sc
h
wit
cope
ation see back page).
with parents (for more inform
ts can make a
oks should explain how paren
bo
nd
ha
ol
ho
Sc
–
s
int
pla
Com
nagers, down.
hool has let them, or their tee
sc
the
l
fee
y
the
if
nt
lai
mp
co
eds of their
to help schools meet the ne
Parents have a responsibility
rning,
ild’s life that may affect lea
ch
ur
yo
in
s
en
pp
ha
ing
yth
children. If an
upset
of your teenager, such as an
g
ein
llb
we
ral
ne
ge
the
or
relationships
in the family, tell the school.
15/16
new approaches to positiv
e behaviour
and anti-bullying
Executive to
supported by the Scottish
ing
be
e
ar
es
tiv
tia
ini
e
Thes
ive behaviour.
and schools promote posit
ies
rit
tho
au
on
ati
uc
ed
help
Problem-solving
ve practices, which
approaches called restorati
w
ne
ing
try
are
ols
ho
sc
Some
involved pupils as
blems. Some schools have
pro
ng
lvi
so
in
s
pil
pu
e
olv
inv
reements or
to help when there are disag
s’,
tor
dia
me
er
‘pe
or
rs
nto
me
been trialled in
s. Restorative practices have
ate
ssm
cla
en
twe
be
ies
ult
diffic
North Lanarkshire.
parts of Highland, Fife and
School ethos
be a ‘solutionloping their whole school to
ve
de
are
ers
ch
tea
ad
he
me
So
are involving
ed school’. These initiatives
vat
oti
‘m
a
or
ol’
ho
sc
ted
en
ori
hool and respectful
a positive atmosphere in sc
ing
ild
bu
in
ff
sta
d
an
s
pil
pu
-oriented schools
one in the school. Solution
ery
ev
en
twe
be
ips
sh
on
in
ati
rel
ated schools were developed
tiv
Mo
d
an
ire
sh
ray
Mo
in
were first developed
Glasgow.
LET’S STOP BULLYING
Pupils supporting others
involve pupils
mended that schools should
om
rec
s
ha
ve
uti
ec
Ex
ish
ott
The Sc
schools have
ing positive schools. Many
lop
ve
de
in
ble
ssi
po
as
ch
as mu
velop different ways
mes, where older pupils de
he
sc
g
rin
nto
me
d
an
g
yin
budd
g breaks and
ddies may hold clubs durin
Bu
s.
pil
pu
r
ge
un
yo
ort
pp
to su
support others in
and support, mentors may
ip
sh
nd
frie
er
off
or
es
tim
lunch
homework.
activities such as reading or
ols:
that are common in scho
There are other practices
Pupil councils
ir school.
anti-bullying activities in the
Pupil councils often develop
Support bases
pils’ learning, or
used in school to enhance pu
es
tim
me
so
are
ses
ba
ort
lls.
Supp
communication or social ski
op
vel
de
m
the
lp
he
to
es
offer special programm
17/18
Sources of advice and information for parents
otland
ParentLine Sc line for parents and
lp
e confidential he
can
A fre
nd. You
r a child in Scotla
anyone caring fo
or small.
g
any problem – bi
call them about
0808 800 2222
line
st.org.uk/parent
www.children1
an,
Whitehouse Lo
Children 1st, 83
1AT
Edinburgh, EH9
Parents
YoungMinds
ervice
Information Slephone service providing
nfidential te
A free, co
t with
vice for any adul
information and ad
emotional
e mental health or
concerns about th
on.
ild or young pers
wellbeing of a ch
0800 018 2138
00 pm
– 1.
Friday 10.00 am
Open: Monday &
pm
00
4.
ay 1.00 pm –
Tuesday & Thursd
&
pm
pm – 5.00
Wednesday 1.00
pm
00
8.
6.00 pm –
ds.o
www.youngmin
rg.uk/pis
ell Road,
-108 Clerkenw
YoungMinds,102
5SA
London, EC1M
otland
Parentzone Sc parents, guardians
ce for
An online resour
ge
sible for school-a
and others respon
t
ou
formation ab
children. With in
about
land, and advice
ot
education in Sc
.
ng
ni
ar
le
ur child’s
how to support yo
k
escotland.gov.u
www.parentzon
ir y Scotland
Parents Enqu d support for
ion an
Provides informat
are
es of people who
parents and famili
.
er
xual or transgend
lesbian, gay, bise
0131 556 6047
– 10
helpline open 9 am
pm
rg
quiryscotland.o
www.parentsen
@hotmail.com
parentsenquiry
Enable
Enquire
ilies of
ce service for fam
The Scottish advi
s.
ed
ne
tional support
children with addi
l rate)
(charged at loca
0845 123 2303
00 pm
5.
Friday 9.00 am –
Open: Monday &
pm &
00
5.
–
ay 9.00 am
Tuesday & Thursd
pm,
7.00 pm – 9.00
am – 5.00 pm
00
8.
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Wednesd
info@enquire.or
g.uk
rg.uk
www.enquire.o
n in Scotland,
Enquire, Childre
EH2 4RG
ace, Edinburgh,
5 Shandwick Pl
Kidscape
and
offering support
A national charity
n.
re
ild
ch
of bullied
advice to parents
08451 205 204
org.uk
www.kidscape.
,
svenor Gardens
Kidscape, 2 Gro
0DH
London, SW1W
.
disability charity
Scottish learning
0141 226 4541
.org.uk
enable@enable
g.uk
www.enable.or
Glasgow,
chanan Street,
6th Floor, 7 Bu
G1 3HJ
for Racial
Commission
Equality
have
e for people who
rmation and advic
Info
al discrimination.
suffered from raci
0131 524 2000
gov.uk
scotland@cre.
k/scotland
www.cre.gov.u
ckson’s
The Tun, 12 Ja
CRE Scotland,
rgh,
in
d Road, Ed bu
Entry off Holyroo
EH8 8PJ
19/20
entre
Govan Law C offering free legal
organisation
National
ational
entation on educ
advice and repres
the
on
rticular focus
matters, with a pa
with
ls
pi
pupils and pu
rights of disabled
t needs.
additional suppor
0141 445 1955
ChildLine
lpline offering
A UK national he
n and
advice for childre
information and
y
ncerned with an
young people co
problem.
0800 11 11
R
Glasgow G1 1B
Freepost 1111,
.org.uk
advice@edlaw
org.uk
www.childline.
.uk
www.edlaw.org
News round
3LB
et, Glasgow, G51
47 Burleigh Stre
Sources of advice and
information for teenagers
tland’s
ChildLine Sco
Line
Anti-Bullying cated to listening to
dedi
Scottish helpline
g people who are
and helping youn
s.
bullying problem
concerned about
0800 44 11 11
BBC’s popular
Website from the
programme, with
children’s news
sues.
ing and school is
sections on bully
s
co.uk/cbbcnew
www.news.bbc.
Young Scot
le
tish young peop
Resource for Scot
on
n
io
uding informat
aged 12-26, incl
,
ol
ons to high scho
bullying, transiti
keeping friends.
and making and
t.org
info@youngsco
.org
www.youngscot
g
g
ren’s and
ease see the child
pl
,
ts
ac
nt
co
er
For furth
ts.
ti-bullying leafle
young people’s an
19/20
21/22
© Crown copyright 2005
This document is also available on the Scottish Executive
website: www.scotland.gov.uk
Astron B41640 06/05
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