Somewhere Between 1
Caitlin Lauritzen
Somewhere Between
The fourth of July had finally rolled around and it was hot. The oppressive kind of hot, where it feels as
though the air is wrapping itself around you like a boa constrictor. Josh sat on the curb, watching people walk
by as they made their way to the beach for the fireworks show. The cement was a little cooler than the air, but
not enough. His shirt and shorts clung to him, moist from sweat.
He sipped a bottle of Coke, lukewarm by now, wishing he had bought water instead. He didn't know if
he wished his family would hurry up or never come. It had been their suggestion that he come back, face what
had happened. He had agreed with them then, he had finally begun sleeping normally again, felt like he could
live without all the guilt weighing him down, but now he wasn't so sure.
He hadn't been back to the lake since last August. Just couldn't bring himself to come, was worried it
would bring everything back, all of the emotions, all of the images that were already seared into his memory.
But two weeks ago his sister had called, asking him if he had wanted to join her family for the fireworks. It
would be good for him, she said.
He heard the familiar sound of his ring tone and reached in to his pocket. He had to grapple with the
phone for a moment, his hands too sweaty.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Josh!" his sister Marie's voice greeted him "We got a spot near the dock if you want to come meet
us!"
"Wait, what? I thought you were meeting me outside Clark's?"
"Were we? Sorry! I must have forgot. Anyway, you should hurry up! The sun's almost down so the
show's going to start soon!"
"Yeah. I'll be there in a sec." Josh hung up his phone, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Typical, Marie
completely changing plans and not telling him.
Sighing, he stood up, stretching for a moment before starting down the street. He tossed his pop bottle
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into a trash can as he passed it, pretending not to notice when the bottle hit the edge and bounced to the ground.
Josh settled in to an easy pace behind a couple of teenage girls, who were talking and laughing loudly. He tried
his hardest not to eavesdrop but it was virtually impossible.
"So, are you coming over after or what?" the shorter one with a blonde ponytail asked.
"I don't know. Who all did you say was going to be there?" The other girl, her brunette hair in a braid,
shrugged.
"A lot of people. I don't know, just like, people from our class."
"I don't know. Let me think about it."
"Ok, fine. But you should def come."
"Sure." Brunette Braid nodded slightly, before snapping her head sideways to look at her blonde
companion. "Oh hey! Were you here last August when that kid drowned?"
"What? No!"
"Yeah. Some kid was, like, swimming really far out. I don't know, I guess he got pulled under by the
current or something?"
"Wow. That sucks." Blonde Ponytail snapped her gum.
"Yeah." There was a brief pause. "So, what should I wear tonight?"
Josh tuned them out, realizing he had been clenching is his hands. He relaxed his muscles and reminded
himself to breathe. He was amazed at the casualty those girls could use when talking about someone dying, but
then again, they hadn't been there. They didn't know what it was like.
He turned the corner and was surprised to find that he had made it to the beach's edge. Had he really
walked the two blocks already? He stopped suddenly on the sidewalk, unable to will himself to step onto the
sand.
Josh stared out at the water, a dark gray-blue color reflecting the orange of the setting sun. It looked the
same as it always had. He didn't know why this surprised him, why would it have changed? Still, he had
expected something, although he couldn't put his finger on what. When someone dies in a car crash, people
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leave flowers by the side of the road. What do you do when someone drowns?
The sound of the waves against the shore brought him out of this trail of thought. The steady repetition
of the water crashing, then withdrawing echoed in his mind. It was as though the lake itself was repeating what
he had been thinking for almost a year.
If only, if only, if only.
If only he had told that kid that racing to the buoy was a bad idea when Josh had overheard him. If only
Josh had been able to swim faster. Maybe Josh could have stopped him. Maybe Josh could have gotten there
before the kid went under. Maybe he could have saved him. Maybe he should have just stayed home that day,
avoiding what was supposed to be a fun day at the beach., avoiding all the guilt.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
He took a few deep breaths before stepping on to the sand. He walked towards where his sister had said
she was, carefully trying to avoid trampling over everyone who was already sitting, a few times only just
narrowly avoiding someone. Finally he saw Marie, who waved when she saw him. His niece bolted towards
him.
"Hi, Uncle Josh!" she exclaimed, grabbing his hand enthusiastically.
"Hi, Molly!" He let her lead him over to where her parents were, where she plopped down and patted
the sand beside her.
"You sit next to me!"
He obeyed, laughing, glad for the distraction. Marie was watching him closely. He waited for the
inevitable question, asking him if he was ok, but thankfully it never it came. He didn't want to lie and say he
was, but saying he wasn't, wasn't entirely truthful either.
All he knew was that he was there, on the beach, and that was probably a step in the right direction.
Soon, the sun had sunk completely below the horizon, making way for a starless sky that was somewhere
between black and blue. A pop, followed by a sudden flash of white signaled the start of the show. Josh leaned
back, closing his eyes and pressing his hands in to the sand, and as everyone else oohed and ahhed over the
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fireworks, he focused on feeling the booms in his chest and the sound of the waves as they crashed against the
shore.