Validation,Validation,Validation!!! Asafamilymember,significantother,orclosefriendofsomeoneintreatment,oneofthe mosthelpfulandimportantthingsyoucandoisoffervalidationtothemwheneverpossible. Whatisvalidation? Validationisapowerfulcommunicationskillthatcandismantlepowerstruggles,resolve arguments,andbuilddeeplytrustingrelationships. Simplyput,validationisthemessage,"Yourfeelingsmakesense.NotonlydoIhearyou,butI understandwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Youarenotbadorwrongorcrazyforfeelingtheway youdo." Whatgetsinthewayofvalidation? • Judging,dismissing,andcriticizing • Refusingtolookforthekerneloftruthinwhattheotherpersoniscommunicating, andvalidatethat.ThereisALWAYSsomethingvalidtobefound! • Treatingtheotherpersonasinferior,fragileorincompetent • Thinkingthatyouhavetoagreewithsomeonetovalidatethem.Validatingisnot necessarilyagreeing.Validatingdoesnotmeanyouliketheotherperson'sperspective. Itmeansthatyoucanunderstand(ortrytoimagine)wheretheotherpersonis comingfrom ArethereparticularthingsyoushouldknowaboutvalidatingsomeonewithanED? • It’ssoimportantforlovedonestobepositive,empathetic,andsupportive.Negative feelingsquicklyescalateifothersarecriticalorrejecting.PeoplewithEDsoften cannotseethepositivesideorcontroltheirnegativefeelings.Lovedonesneedto realisticallyandsupportivelypaintthepositiveaspectsofsituations. • Validatehowdifficultitistotrynewthings.Continuetoconsistentlyencourage themtotrynewthings. • Validatehowdifficultrecoveryis.Consistentlysupporttheirtreatmentefforts. AVOID: • • • • Commentingontheirappearance(evenifyouintenditasacompliment/praise) Minimizingthedifficultyofwhatheorsheisgoingthrough Assigningblame(toyourlovedoneorothers)fortheED Tellingthemto“justeat” Whatcanyouvalidate? o Feelingsoremotions(evenifyoudon'tknowwhytheyarehavingthem!) o Legitimacyofwantingsomething(evenifyoudon'twantthesamething!) o Beliefs,opinions,thoughts,orvaluesaboutsomething(evenifyoudon'tagree) o Howdifficultataskis/Howhardapersonistryingtoaccomplishsomething o Thingsapersondoesthatareeffective/Thingsapersondoesforsomeoneelse Validatingwithbodylanguage 1. Givethemyourfullattention!!Donotdistractorfocusyourattentiononotherthings whiletheyaretalking. 2. Makegoodeyecontact. 3. Keepyourbodylanguageopen(refrainfromcrossingyourarms,rollingyoureyes, furrowingyourbrow). Validatingwithstatementsorwords 1.Observeanddescribehowthepersonseemstofeelbasedontheirbodylanguage, gestures,etc. -“Igetthesensethatyou’reworriedaboutsomething.” -“Youlookedreallysadwhilewe’retalkingaboutthis.” -“YouseemedexcitedwhenItoldyouabouttheparty.” 2.Paraphrasewhatthepersonistellingyouintoyourownwords -“Soyoufeellikeyou’reworkingreallyhardrightnow,andpeoplejustkeep expectingyoutodomore.” -"Soyouarefeelingincrediblyfullaftereatingthatmeal.” 3.Summarizetheperson'sperspectivebasedonwhattheyarecommunicatingtoyou-- inordergainunderstanding,nottodisagreeortochangetheirmind. -“Sowhenyouthinkaboutgoingtotheparty,youareconcernedthatpeoplewillask youquestionsaboutwhereyou’vebeenthepastmonthandyoudon’tknowhowto answer.” 4.Puttheperspectiveinabroadercontext.Trytounderstandandexpresshowthe person'sperspectivemakessensegiventheirexperiencesandhistory; -"Yeah,givenhowimportantit’salwaysbeenforyoutodothingsright,Icanseewhy beingtoldtochangethewayyoudothingswouldbehard.” -“RecoveringfromaneatingdisorderisanincrediblydifficultprocessandIcantell you’reworkinghard.” 5.Considerthereasonablenessoftheirperspective.Thinkaboutandtrytoexpress howtheperson'sperspectivemakessensegivenpresentcircumstances,andconsiderthat othersmightrespondtothesamesituationsimilarly -"Icancertainlyunderstandwhyyoudon’tfeellikecontinuingtofollowthismealplan dayinanddayout." -"Ithinkthatwouldhavemademostpeoplesad." 6.Trytorelatetothemwhenappropriateorapplicable.Considertimesthatyouhavefelt similarlyaboutsomethinginthepast,andsharethatwiththem. -"Ialwaysgetnervousbeforedoctor’sappointmentstoo.” -“Society’sfocusonlookshasalwaysbeendifficultformetodealwithtoo.” 7.Imaginewhattheymightbefeelingorthinking.Tryto"read"theperson'sbehavior, andimaginewhattheycouldbefeeling,thinkingorwishingfor. -“Itmustbereallyhardforyoutonotknowyourweight”