Validation,Validation,Validation!!!
Asafamilymember,significantother,orclosefriendofsomeoneintreatment,oneofthe
mosthelpfulandimportantthingsyoucandoisoffervalidationtothemwheneverpossible.
Whatisvalidation?
Validationisapowerfulcommunicationskillthatcandismantlepowerstruggles,resolve
arguments,andbuilddeeplytrustingrelationships.
Simplyput,validationisthemessage,"Yourfeelingsmakesense.NotonlydoIhearyou,butI
understandwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Youarenotbadorwrongorcrazyforfeelingtheway
youdo."
Whatgetsinthewayofvalidation?
• Judging,dismissing,andcriticizing
• Refusingtolookforthekerneloftruthinwhattheotherpersoniscommunicating,
andvalidatethat.ThereisALWAYSsomethingvalidtobefound!
• Treatingtheotherpersonasinferior,fragileorincompetent
• Thinkingthatyouhavetoagreewithsomeonetovalidatethem.Validatingisnot
necessarilyagreeing.Validatingdoesnotmeanyouliketheotherperson'sperspective.
Itmeansthatyoucanunderstand(ortrytoimagine)wheretheotherpersonis
comingfrom
ArethereparticularthingsyoushouldknowaboutvalidatingsomeonewithanED?
• It’ssoimportantforlovedonestobepositive,empathetic,andsupportive.Negative
feelingsquicklyescalateifothersarecriticalorrejecting.PeoplewithEDsoften
cannotseethepositivesideorcontroltheirnegativefeelings.Lovedonesneedto
realisticallyandsupportivelypaintthepositiveaspectsofsituations.
• Validatehowdifficultitistotrynewthings.Continuetoconsistentlyencourage
themtotrynewthings.
• Validatehowdifficultrecoveryis.Consistentlysupporttheirtreatmentefforts.
AVOID:
•
•
•
•
Commentingontheirappearance(evenifyouintenditasacompliment/praise)
Minimizingthedifficultyofwhatheorsheisgoingthrough
Assigningblame(toyourlovedoneorothers)fortheED
Tellingthemto“justeat”
Whatcanyouvalidate?
o Feelingsoremotions(evenifyoudon'tknowwhytheyarehavingthem!)
o Legitimacyofwantingsomething(evenifyoudon'twantthesamething!)
o Beliefs,opinions,thoughts,orvaluesaboutsomething(evenifyoudon'tagree)
o Howdifficultataskis/Howhardapersonistryingtoaccomplishsomething
o Thingsapersondoesthatareeffective/Thingsapersondoesforsomeoneelse
Validatingwithbodylanguage
1. Givethemyourfullattention!!Donotdistractorfocusyourattentiononotherthings
whiletheyaretalking.
2. Makegoodeyecontact.
3. Keepyourbodylanguageopen(refrainfromcrossingyourarms,rollingyoureyes,
furrowingyourbrow).
Validatingwithstatementsorwords
1.Observeanddescribehowthepersonseemstofeelbasedontheirbodylanguage,
gestures,etc.
-“Igetthesensethatyou’reworriedaboutsomething.”
-“Youlookedreallysadwhilewe’retalkingaboutthis.”
-“YouseemedexcitedwhenItoldyouabouttheparty.”
2.Paraphrasewhatthepersonistellingyouintoyourownwords
-“Soyoufeellikeyou’reworkingreallyhardrightnow,andpeoplejustkeep
expectingyoutodomore.”
-"Soyouarefeelingincrediblyfullaftereatingthatmeal.”
3.Summarizetheperson'sperspectivebasedonwhattheyarecommunicatingtoyou--
inordergainunderstanding,nottodisagreeortochangetheirmind.
-“Sowhenyouthinkaboutgoingtotheparty,youareconcernedthatpeoplewillask
youquestionsaboutwhereyou’vebeenthepastmonthandyoudon’tknowhowto
answer.”
4.Puttheperspectiveinabroadercontext.Trytounderstandandexpresshowthe
person'sperspectivemakessensegiventheirexperiencesandhistory;
-"Yeah,givenhowimportantit’salwaysbeenforyoutodothingsright,Icanseewhy
beingtoldtochangethewayyoudothingswouldbehard.”
-“RecoveringfromaneatingdisorderisanincrediblydifficultprocessandIcantell
you’reworkinghard.”
5.Considerthereasonablenessoftheirperspective.Thinkaboutandtrytoexpress
howtheperson'sperspectivemakessensegivenpresentcircumstances,andconsiderthat
othersmightrespondtothesamesituationsimilarly
-"Icancertainlyunderstandwhyyoudon’tfeellikecontinuingtofollowthismealplan
dayinanddayout."
-"Ithinkthatwouldhavemademostpeoplesad."
6.Trytorelatetothemwhenappropriateorapplicable.Considertimesthatyouhavefelt
similarlyaboutsomethinginthepast,andsharethatwiththem.
-"Ialwaysgetnervousbeforedoctor’sappointmentstoo.”
-“Society’sfocusonlookshasalwaysbeendifficultformetodealwithtoo.”
7.Imaginewhattheymightbefeelingorthinking.Tryto"read"theperson'sbehavior,
andimaginewhattheycouldbefeeling,thinkingorwishingfor.
-“Itmustbereallyhardforyoutonotknowyourweight”