25 April 2016
When Death Sabotages a Holiday
Harold Ivan Smith, DMin, FT
haroldivansmith@gmail.com
9 June 2016
International Conference on Death, Dying & Bereavement
Saint Luke’s Hospital Kansas City, Missouri
Speaks Suburban Funeral Chapel, Independence Missouri
"I'm not sure whether it's because of the fact that it's meant to be a
happy time and to have something tragic happen seems
to take its toll on the family. Even though the death is still sad
for any time of year, Christmas just seems
to have a double whammy on it."
Chris Wallers.
Tobin Brothers & White Lady Chapel, Australia
Realities
Death pays little attention to red-letter days or the calendar.
Death has a way of sabotaging client families AND funeral personnel.
Deaths due to violence, homicide, suicide and/or the death of a
child/adolescent are particularly invasive during holidays.
Clinicians must balance professional life and personal life during
holidays!
Loss and holidays a dual loss: loss of the loved one(s) + loss of
beloved traditions. “We’ll never celebrate Christmas again!!!”
“So many years past childhood, joy inched into me. It nudged aside my
sorrow and illuminated everything I had ever loved about Christmas: a night
set aside for decorating the tree, bowls of eggnog, the smell of pine
throughout the house. My father loved Christmas.
He would want us to love it again too.”
Patti Reagan Davis (2004)
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978
II
IDENTIFYING the string of “family” holidays from Thanksgiving
to Valentine’s Day
a.
The growing palette of holidays:
Thanksgiving
Chanukah
Christmas
Kawanza
New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Day
Super Bowl
Valentine’s Day
6-13 December
26 December—January 1
2 February
14 February
“We often have Dec 24 services but absolutely forbid funerals on
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years which has also become
somewhat of a ‘sacred’ holiday.”
Tommy McAfee, Thomas McAfee Funeral Homes, Greenville SC
Acknowledging & honoring the diversity of America
“We have become the most religiously diverse nation on earth.”
Diane Eck, Harvard
b
Bodhi Day
8 December
Pancha Ganapati
21-25 December
Honor Lord Ganesha
The commercialization of holidays
“People say that Christmas is too commercialized. But I have never
found it that way. If you spend money to give people joy, you are not being
commercial. It is only when you feel obliged to do something about
Christmas that the spirit is spoiled.”
Monogramed holidays
Gauntlet of programs, office parties, open houses, faith
communities.
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978
Chri$tmas is significant economic stimulus
Sales increase dramatically in almost all retail areas.
Black Friday can be a de facto holiday
US retail industry generated 3+ trillion during the holidays in
2013.
December = 19.2 percent of the retail total sales in a year.
768,000 temp employees hired
III
C
The hyperexcitement of the holidays
D
Personnel policies define holidays
RECOGNIZING how holidays complicate traditional
memorialization rituals and normal operations.
“I certainly think it's a sacrifice for staff to work these days, and like
me, they deal with it from a perspective of serving families who have
the extra burden of dealing with death during a holiday.”
Tommy McAfee, Thomas McAfee Funeral Homes, Greenville, SC
a
Pause & inconvenience.
Wild card: Christmas Magician & Christmas Magnet
Wild card: Transportation issues
Wild card: Weather
Wild card: Finances
Wild card: Flu
Wild card: Snowbirds
b
Key question: How do holiday “buzz” and commercialization
influence memorialization venue?
C
Troubling Question: “Where will you for Christmas?”
“What would it be like? How would I feel? How would I hold up the weight
of my mother's grief? For 10 years I have been a daughter losing her
father. Now I am a daughter watching with keen, helpless eyes the sorrow
of her remaining parent. The holidays widen the boundaries of my
father's absence; I hear it in my mother's voice-resigning herself to getting
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978
through the days ahead. She isn't sure she wants to put up a tree. Her
shoulders tense a bit at the suggestion.”
Patti Reagan Davis
IV
EXPLORING the impact of holiday(s) on clinicians
a
How do traumatic or “out of the ordinary” deaths at holidays
emotionally impact clinicians?
“Our funeral directors are most definitely impacted by the
holidays. We have to have coverage 365/24. We do our best to
split the duties evenly, owners included. Nothing worse than
missing a family gathering because of work.”
Dave Perotto
Bartlolomeo & Perotto, Rochester New York
B
V
Professional practice often translates into personal boundary
navigation or inconvenience.
STRATEGIZING resources to support grievers during holidays.
A
Define holiday grief as an opportunity not an intrusion!
B
Capitalize on “teaching moments” during holidays
C
Honor “above-and-beyond” service
D
Decorate office space?
E
Do an “Expecting the Holidays” brochure or letter
F
Offer holiday grief programs for families and/or community
Make welcomed welcome
Calling the name
Walk to the tree to hang ornament
The Coolidge Factor: Expect last minutes/non-registered
Honor the participants’ courage
Include children
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978
Permission grief during holidays
Something-in-the hand: Cookies and punch
Move tree to where it can be viewed from outside
Max staff involvement
Permission Holiday Grief permissions:
I may not send 100 Christmas cards this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to send one.
I may not decorate my home like previous years but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to have one poinsettia!
I may not sing my favorite Christmas songs and carols this year but I GIVE
MYSELF PERMISSION to hum or tap my fingers.
I may not bake holiday treats this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION
to savor one cookie!
I may not wrap five dozen gifts this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION
to wrap one.
I may not put up a Christmas tree this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to look at Christmas trees.
I may not sing “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION not to turn off the radio as soon as soon as I hear it.
I may not follow old traditions and habits this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to innovate.
I may not celebrate the holidays this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to watch the parade of memories from holidays past.
I may not eat divinity and fudge and peanut brittle this year but I GIVE
MYSELF PERMISSION to slowly savor one piece of pumpkin pie. . .
smeared with cool whip!
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978
I may not wrap my loved one a gift this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to donate one in her/his name to a needy person or
organization.
I may not receive a present from my loved one this year but I GIVE
MYSELF PERMISSION to remember previous gifts from my loved one.
I may not feel like saying “Ho. Ho. HOOOO!” this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to express gratitude for acts of kindness, large and small.
.
I may not feel like being “the life of the party” this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to enjoy the holiday exuberance of others.”
I may not give “great” gifts this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to
say, “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “I am so proud of you!”
I may not want my picture made with Santa this year but I GIVE MYSELF
PERMISSION to be a secret Santa to someone.
Conclusion
“I haven't put a Christmas tree in my own home since that irrevocable
diagnosis changed our lives. Festive decorations would have ushered in
too many memories. For several years my mother didn't decorate . . .
either, but in the last few years she started again. Along with the large
tree in the living room, one of the nurses, who has become a dear friend,
would bring a small fake tree into my father's room. Colored Christmas
lights blinked, and we all believed he knew
the holidays had come.”
Patti Reagan Davis (2004)
Smith, H.I. (2011). A Decembered grief: Gift edition. Kansas City, MO:
Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Harold Ivan Smith haroldivansmith@gmail.com 816-210-3978