Dissecting Life with a Jewish Scalpel:
A Qualitative Analysis of
Jewish-Centered Family Life*
MAUREEN P. SEMANS, Ph.D.f
LINDA STONE FISH, Ph.D.^
family rituals. The participants seem to
dissect the world with a ''Jewish scalpel."
This "scalpel" informs their daily interactions, their parenting styles, and their
childrens' self-perceptions.
This article highlights findings from a
qualitative analysis of the ways in which
Jewish families identify how Judaism
influences their lives. A theoretical sample
of two religious and two cultural families
were chosen from a larger sample of 48
Jewish families in Central New York. The
qualitative part of this study, which was
part of a larger multimethod investigation, was done in order to gather inductively any data that would allow the
researchers to build a theory about a
particular type of ethnic identity—Jewish
identity—and how it affects family dynamics. Eleven categories emerged from this
study, which suggest that this particular
type of ethnic identity influences many
family dynamics, for example, styles of
communicating, parenting, values, and
Fam Proc 39:121-139, 2000
A
LTHOUGH families in the United States
might consider themselves wellassimilated, during the last 30 years there
has been a plethora of scholarly articles on
the exploration of cultural differences. In
the family therapy field in particular,
culturally sensitive approaches to therapy
have become mainstream practice. As
McGoldrick and Giordano (1996)—known
for their work on ethnicity and how it
relates to family members' well-being—
suggest: "Ethnicity is a powerful influence
* We thank the families that participated in the in determining identity. A sense of belongstudy, and the research assistants vi^ho helped with ing and of historical continuity are basic
the project. We also thank Dean Busby, Stephen
Kepnes, and Jerry Gale for their comments and psychological needs. We may ignore our
feedback regarding the project and final manuscript. ethnicity or deny it by changing our
Send reprint requests to first author Correspon- names and rejecting our families and
dence may he sent to either author.
social backgrounds, but we do so to the
t Assistant Professor, Department of Child and
Family Development, 224 Dawson Hall, University detriment of our well-being" (p. 1). They
of Georgia, Athens GA 30602-3622; e-mail: have published widely about ethnicity and
msemans@fcs.uga.edu.
how important it is for families to connect
:|: Associate Professor and Director, Marriage and with their ethnic group in order to proFamily Therapy Program, 008 Slocum Hall, Syracuse University, Syracuse NY 13244-1250; e-mail: mote a positive self-image and guard
against mental distress associated with
fistone@syr.edu.
121
Family Process, Vol. 39, No. 1, 2000 ^ FPI, Inc.
122 /
FAMILY PROCESS
hatred of one's people. They, like many
others, assert that when people are secure
with their own ethnic identity, they act
with greater flexibility and openness toward those of other cultural backgrounds
(Bonacich, 1973; Carter, 1991; Diller,
1980; Gordis & Ben-Horin, 1991; Gushue,
1993; Klein, 1976; Smith, 1991).
Although w^e believe that ethnic identity influences how families perceive themselves, how connected family members are
to one another, and how individuals in
those families feel about themselves, we
have little data that substantiates this
belief. An extensive literature search revealed no research that asks families about
how they see themselves ethnically, and
the impact this has on their family life.
Therefore, we have decided to explore the
issues of ethnic identity, and the ways in
w^hich families perceive ethnicity's influence on their daily lives, with one particular ethnic group: Jewish middle-class families residing in Central New York, in the
United States of America.
JEWISH IDENTITY
During pre-modern times Jewish identity, while threatened by outside sources,
was not threatened internally in the same
way it is in America today. There was
continuity across generations and a strong
Jewish community that reinforced Jewish
identification (Bayme, 1989; S.M. Cohen,
1988; Cooper, 1996; Diller, 1980; Feldman, 1990; Goldscheider, 1986). Jewish
communities remained insular: never fully
assimilating into the dominant culture.
Throughout history, Jew^s have been religiously persecuted and treated as the
"other." Although some Jews gave up their
identification to avoid persecution, most
connected to the Jewish community even
more fervently in order to survive the
hostile sociopolitical environment around
them.
According to Bayme (1989), as Jews
entered the modern world as well as the
world of non-Jewish people and ways of
being, they began to assimilate and slowly
became less identified with the Jewish
communities upon which they had previously relied for survival. Ironically what
Jews have always yearned for, freedom
from religious persecution and anti-Semitism, has in some ways weakened Jewish
identification. According to N.W. Cohen
(1992), this modem period of enlightenment required that American Jews reevaluate their identity and make room for
other components of themselves: an identity that also allowed them to connect to
their country as American citizens. Therefore, during pre-modern times, rampant
anti-Semitism (pogroms, religious persecution) strengthened Jewish identity and
the bond with other Jews; but in the
modern sociopolitical climate in America
that threat has been significantly reduced, and thus provides less incentive for
Jews to stay connected to their Jewish
heritage (Cohen, 1992; Dinnerstein, 1987;
Gordon, 1964; Rosen, 1979).
The increased rate of intermarriage (up
from 10% in the 1960s to 52% in the
1990s), the higher number of unaffiliated
Jews in America, the decline in ritual
practice: some sociologists (assimilationists) hypothesize that these are all indications of less Jewish identification in
America (Bulka, 1982; S.M. Cohen, 1988;
Feldman, 1990; Gordis & Ben-Horin,
1991). Others (transformationists) state
that Jewish identity is still thriving but is
changing to a new form that cannot be
measured by the old assessments of antiquated ritual practice (Bershtel &
Graubard, 1993; S.M. Cohen, 1988; Goldscheider, 1986; Sandberg, 1986; Sklare,
1965). Whether one takes an assimilationist or a transformationist view, many scholars have asserted that a decline in ethnic
identification could have a negative effect
/ 123
SEMANS and STONE FISH
on the well-being of members in that
minority group.
As early as the 1940s, different theorists have asserted that "a minority person's sense of security, stability, and selfesteem depended on the degree to w^hich
he identified with his ov^n group" (Lew^in,
1948, p. 40). Lewin was one of many
scholars who strongly asserted that minorities are oflen vulnerable to feelings of
insecurity, fear, maladjustment, and inferiority if they do not develop a feeling of
belongingness to their group (Carter, 1991;
Cross, 1978; Dor-Shav, 1990; Feldman,
1990; Gushue, 1993; Klein, 1980; Lemer,
1982; McGoldrick, Pearce, & Giordano,
1982; Thompson, 1991). Lewin (1948) suggested that "difficulties begin when a minority individual wishes to leave his own
group to become part of the powerful
majority . . . he is usually rebuffed by the
majority and finds himself unaccepted by
the outgroup and unhappy about remaining in the ingroup . . . his resulting frustration is turned against himself and his
group changing to self-hatred and hatred
of his own people" (p. 201; elipses in
original). He asserted that marginal persons are vulnerable to leading a life of
psychological homelessness and insecurity if they reject their own ethnic group.
Lewin, who was a committed Jew himself,
was particularly worried about Jews. He
encouraged Jewish parents to teach their
young children to be closely identified
with their group because "such an early
build up of a clear and positive feeling of
belongingness to the Jevdsh group is one
of the few effective things that Jewish
parents can do for the later happiness of
their children." (p. 182).
There have been many theoretical articles written about Jewish families in the
United States today, but despite similarities within Jewish families, there is also
considerable variability within this ethnic
group (Feigin, 1996; Fogelman, 1996;
Fam. Proc, Voi 39, Spring, 2000
Rosen & Weltman, 1996; Schlossberger &
Hecker, 1998). There have been a number
of large-scale studies investigating Jews'
varying degree of involvement in both
religious and cultural practices (Bershtel
& Graubard, 1993; Carter, 1991; S.M.
Cohen, 1983; Cross, 1978; Diller, 1980;
Dinnerstein, 1994; Herman, 1977; Klein,
1980; Sandberg, 1986; Sklare & Greenblum, 1967; Smith, 1991). These studies
revealed whether Jews are "practicing,"
how often they practice, whom they befriend, how they affiliate, and whom they
tend to marry, using Jewish identity scales
designed primarily to measure behavioral
indicators of Jewish identification. Fewer
studies have been conducted that explore
the relationship between the strength of
Jewish identity and self-esteem (DorShav, 1990; Rutchik, 1968), and no study
to date has asked Jewish families to describe their perceptions of the development of Jewish identity and its interface
with family dynamics and individual wellbeing.
METHODS
The Researchers
The authors are Jewish, female, and
family therapy professors. We came to the
project keenly interested in the development of ethnic identity in families and
have begun our inquiry with Jewish
families, planning to do comparative
analyses with other ethnic groups in the
future. Our interest in Jewish families
stems from our own personal backgrounds. The first author lost her mother
when she was a young child and experienced the support of the Jewish community as self-esteem-enhancing during a
time of great need. We believe there is
some reparative function in a sense of
community, which enhances a child's capacity for resiliency, and we are curious
about other people's experiences of this
sense of community. The second author.
124
/
FAMILY PROCESS
raising a family, has noticed how Judaism
seems to influence her decisions as a
mother more than her training as a family
therapist. She routinely talks with clients
about their ethnic identity as parents, and
she believes this can be a springboard for
healing when clients can access these
resources. She is curious about nurturing
this development of ethnic identity, and
believes that clinicians need to understand it more fully if they are to continue
to he helpful.
_ .. .
.
smaller cities (kosher restaurants, respect
for the Sabbath, school closings on religious holidays, religious high schools, and
so on). As a large Jewish community may
change the dynamics, so might living in a
much smaller Jewish environment have
an impact on Jewish identity. Jewish children growing up in much smaller Jewish
communities may have no comparison
group, nor the experience of a Jewish
community. The Northeast and its liheral
reputation may also have an impact on
Jewish identity in ways that may differ
Participants
„
Forty-eight families in the Central New
York area were interviewed as part of a
larger study on ethnic identity, family
cohesion, and children's self-esteem. (Resuits of the larger study will be published
at a later date.) These 48 families were
chosen in snowball-effect fashion from a
small Jewish population. In larger Jewish
communities in the United States, there
are Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform Congregations. The
community in which the study was conducted has only one Orthodox temple and
no Reconstructionist temples. The community, while vibrant, is limited by its size,
as is the sample of potential participants
in the present study.
The participants in this study all reside
in a small Jewish community in the Northeast United States, which may invariably
change the dynamics of community, family, and individual interface. In larger
communities, in which all large-scale studies of Jewish identity have been conducted, Jewish identity development may
he different. For example, it is possible in
large cities for Jewish children to have no
contact with non-Jewish children. Jewish
children in large cities may also be exposed to Jewish families who look, act,
and seem very different from themselves,
It is also possible for Jews in large cities to
live in communities that support Judaic
practice in ways it is not supported in
.
• ^-i ^
^-u A/T J
^
from growing up in the bouth. Midwest, or
^ e s t . As we listen to the voices of our
participants discuss Jewish identity, we
must be mindful of the ways in which this
identity may or may not he shaped by
their living context,
PRnPFnilRF
Each family interview lasted about 2
hours and was completed in one visit to
the families' homes (Semans, 1998). The
open interview was done to gather inductively data that would allow the researchers to build a theory about Jewish identification and how family members believe it
affects family dynamics. All interviews
began with the question, "How do you
define yourself as a family?" Famihes
were also asked how Judaism informs
their parenting.
During the 48 interviews, the researchers and their two research assistants took
extensive notes to record their personal
impressions during the interview. The two
research assistants who worked with the
authors were both 20-year-old, female college students at Sjrracuse University; one
identified herself as Haitian and the other
as a "WASP." Each research assistant attended two of the interviews and recorded
her impressions of the family. As Jewish
researchers, the authors have preconceived notions about Jewish families and,
therefore, may not have perceived the
/
SEMANS and STONE FISH
families the same way a non-Jewish researcher might. The two research assistants were invaluable as they offered a
different perspective. These ideas were
later discussed after the interview was
completed.
After viewing the 48 videotaped interviews and doing a general analysis in
which the researchers' observations of the
families were kept, two main groupings
emerged; these were families that were
identified as cultural and/or religious Jewish families. Cultural Jews defined themselves as connected to the Jewish people
and were supportive of Jewish causes,
while religious Jews (who were also culturally identified) additionally kept Kosher,
incorporated Jewish prayer as a part of
their daily lives, and practiced many of
the religious rituals. These 48 families
were then rated on the degree of religious
and cultural identification based on the
aforementioned criterion from highest to
lowest cultural and religious identification. Four Jewish families (two religious
and two cultural) were selected, based on
ratings of cultural and religious identification. The four families who were selected
for the present study were selected based
on their high scores on the cultural and
religious identification scales. They were
not selected as a representative sample of
Jewish families, nor as a representative
sample of this particular large-scale study.
They were selected because we were interested in how culturally and religiously
identified families believe Judaism informs their parenting. Our intent was to
explore ethnically identified families' own
definitions of how Judaism influences how
they perceive themselves and their family
life.
ANALYSIS
The videotapes of the four chosen families were viewed multiple times and
transcribed by the first author. During
Fam. Proc, Vol. 39, Spring, 2000
125
this initial transcription, theoretical
memos were taken, which is referred to as
"open coding." Family members' comments and observations were compared
and grouped together according to similar
themes. Whenever a comment or observation was dissimilar to the existing groups,
a new code was created. Although a
theoretical sample of four families was
chosen by the authors, the research
project, which entailed 2 years of interviewing and analyzing data from the total
sample of 48 families, did in many ways
inform the selection and coding of the two
cultural and the two religious families.
The principal analytical method used
was constant comparison. Concepts that
related to the same phenomenon were
eventually grouped together to form a
category that is a higher-level, more abstract clustering of phenomena (Strauss &
Corbin, 1990). Once the initial categories
and themes were developed, the transcripts with the categories and themes
noted were sent to several outside readers—one single, Jewish female (28 years
old); one non-Jewish, married female (45
years old); one single, non-Jewish male
(38 years old); and one married, Jewish
male (30 years old)—as a check on credibility and trustworthiness. These 4 outside
readers (two of whom were colleagues,
and the other two individuals who work in
fields not related to research or to the
study of families) read through and analyzed key words and phrases that made up
the 11 main categories and, under these,
the 38 codes for the religious families, and
36 codes for the cultural families. Several
codes were revised and/or relabeled after
receiving feedback from these outside
readers. (Information that may compromise anonymity of the families has been
omitted.)
The Families
The first family, whom we will call the
Cohens, is religiously identified. They are
126 /
a middle-class, two-parent family, married over 20 years, with a 15-year-old
daughter and a 10-year-old son. The
mother is an active volunteer in the
Jewish community and the father is a
professional. The family belongs to a
Reform congregation, their children attend public schools, are religiously educated within the Reform temple, and the
daughter was confirmed. Mrs. Cohen was
raised a Catholic and converted to Judaism a year after marrying her husband;
Mr. Cohen was raised as a Jew.
The second family, whom we will call
the Steins, is religiously identified. They
are also a middle-class, two-parent family,
married about 15 years, and have three
children, an 11-year-old daughter, an
8-year-old son, and a 3-year-old daughter.
The mother is a business woman and the
father is employed in a Jewish organization. They were both raised Jewish, the
children attend Jewish day schools, and
they keep a kosher home.
The Goldbergs, the pseudonym for our
third family, are a culturally identified
and middle-class family with two daughters, 15 and 11 years old. Mr. Goldberg is
an engineer and Mrs. Goldberg is a professional. While both parents were raised
Jewish and identify as conservative, Mrs.
Goldberg was raised in a strict orthodox
home. The children attend public school
and Hebrew school; the oldest daughter is
very involved in Jewish youth organizations.
The fourth family, the Kahns, are also a
culturally identified and middle-class family with two girls, ages 16 and 13. Mr. and
Mrs. Kahn have been married for about 20
years. She is a homemaker and he is a
businessman. They identify as Reform
Jews and their daughters attend public
schools and Sunday schools at the Reform
temple. Mrs. Kahn was raised Jewish and
Mr. Kahn converted from Catholicism to
FAMILY PROCESS
Judaism after the birth of their first daughter.
Of the 8 adults interviewed for the
present study, two converted to Judaism
after their children were born. The conversion information was obtained from the
qualitative interviews and not from the
traditional paper and pencil questionnaires. We never asked directly about
conversion; instead, the two adults discussed conversion as they talked about
their identity as Jews. When we advertised for a sample, we asked for families
from the Central New York area in which
at least one parent self-identified as Jewish and there were children in the home
between the ages of 11 and 17. We purposively did not exclude either single-parent
families, or families in which both parents
were Jewish, and we purposively did not
mention conversion in our criteria for
inclusion. That two of the four families
scoring highest on cultural and religious
scales have converted members in them is
an interesting and unexpected emergence.
As the information is revealed about the
interviews that took place, it is important
for the reader to keep in mind the goal of
this qualitative study. It is not intended
that the information reported below is
representative of any large Jewish population. Qualitative research, instead, and
this particular research endeavor's purpose is to understand more fully four
families' thick and rich descriptions of
ethnic and religious identity and the meaning they make of its relationship to family
life. Our hope is to generate implications
that help theorists elucidate the importance of religiosity and family resiliency,
as well as the ways in which cultural/
ethnic identity shapes family dynamics in
this small sample of four Jewish families.
In many ways, these interviews revealed that a solid grounding in a Jewish
identity, whether it is a cultural or a
SEMANS and STONE FISH
religious Jewish identity, does shape how
these families make meaning of the world
and how they live on a daily basis. In the
following section, the eleven categories
(see helow) will be described and illustrated through the use of quotes from
family members in an effort to elucidate
more fully how Jewish identity influences
family dynamics. The final breakdown of
codes and categories for the religious families was 38 codes, and for the cultural
families 36 codes under 11 main categories (see Table).
Categories
A universal theme or core category for
the families seems to be "making sense of
the world from a Jewish perspective." In
addition to the core category, eleven main
categories surfaced for both the religious
and cultural families:
1) responsibility toward others; 2) oppression; 3) culture; 4) roots; 5) identity; 6)
traditions; 7) ethics; 8) family; 9) children:
transmission to the next generation; 10)
opportunity to question and debate; and 11)
the Jewish community.
All four families revealed that Judaism
guides them on a daily basis in thought
and in action. This is the core category
that describes what being connected to
Judaism, both religiously and culturally,
means to them:
It means a lot to me to find a Jewish twist on
everything in my life. If I've got a problem at
work, I think what would a Jewish solution
to this be? It's a different perspective. It's
taking life and dissecting it with a Jewish
scalpel and then saying how we can transform this into action. Not just sitting in your
back room and praying, but how are you
going to take this to everybody in the world
and make the world a better place. [Mr.
Kahn]
This quote reveals that this culturallyidentified father who converted to JudaFam. Proc, VoL 39, Spring, 2000
/
127
ism dissects life "with a Jewish scalpel";
he makes sense of his world by using a
Jewish lens or perspective. All four families believe that the main goal in life is to
make the world a better place by using
what Mr. Kahn refers to as "a Jewish
scalpel."
Responsibility Toward Others
The families zealously discussed their
main mission as Jews; they have a
"special responsibility" toward others, both
Jews and non-Jews. Each family spoke of
this duty to care for others, not just for
individuals whom they know personally
but also for strangers:
I like the aspect of Judaism of not only
shared privilege but also responsibility. . . .
It teaches you how you should live your life
not just for yourself, but also for the community. The "specialness," the "choseness" that
people have often said, you set yourself apart
and set yourself up higher, is actually saying
you have these responsibilities to care for
others. [Mr. Stein]
History of Oppression
The history of the Jewish people provides a historical context that informs
how the four families live their lives today.
They spoke of feeling a connection to Jews
who fought to preserve their religion and
way of life. For centuries, Jews have
struggled to survive in an often hostile
environment (pogroms, the Holocaust,
and so on) and have displayed strength
and resiliency despite repeated threats of
extinction. This history of oppression
informs how they live: they hope to set a
positive example of Jewish living and
ultimately to alter any existing misperceptions of the Jewish people today:
Our history has not been one of the best in
terms of oppression, and if in our dealings
with the non-Jewish world, if we can be
examples, maybe there will be a little bit of
128 /
FAMILY PROCESS
TABLE
Final List of Revised Codes for Religious and Cultural Families
RELIGIOUS (38)
Responsibility
Social Responsibility
Improving Outside World
Shared Privilege
Oppression
Threat to Jewish Continuity
Fear Judaism Is Diminishing
Break Stereotypes
Culture
Connected to People
Connected to Traditions
Roots
1000-yr Old Tradition
A Vital Creation
Identity
Conversion
Parents Like Judaism
Child Feels Special
Child Likes Judaism
Traditions
Rituals
Light Shabbat Candles
Shabbat Meal
Services
Jewish Holidays
Ethics
Repair the World
Moral Structure of the Family
Be a Good Person
Follow Commandments
Family
Jewish Parenting
Home-Based
Gender-Roles
Varying Levels
Children
Children Are Valued
Children Like Judaism
Adolescents' Ambivalence
Devastated If Child Intermarries
Debate
Question/Debate
Open Discussion
Family Can Disagree
Community
Connection to Jewish Community
Commitment to Jewish Community
Comfortable in All Places Jewish
hesitation when someone says nasty things
about Jews that they'll think, "Well, you
know, I work with someone who is Jewish
and it didn't seem that way at all." You know
a little bit of a break on making generalizations. [Mrs. Stein]
The history of oppression and violence
also affects other beliefs some of these
families have about revealing their Jewish identity to the outside world and Jewish continuity. Families discussed the fear
of persecution and how that fear can influence how one identifies as a Jew. In particular, one father, who is the child of
Holocaust survivors, spoke of his father
wanting him to "protect" himself:
I was a child of survivors first of all. I was
born in Germany. One of my parents was in a
labor camp, the other one was masquerading
as a German. My father emphasized protecting yourself [Mr. Goldberg]
When this culturally identified father
spoke about "protecting yourself," he
meant not revealing your Jewish identity
to others. He was taught to be suspicious
of others and was not raised with Jewish
traditions or rituals so that he could more
easily blend into mainstream America.
Although each family has adopted idiosyncratic ways of being Jewish, they all
state that being Jewish is something they
want to give to their children. Yet, they
also have concerns about the Jewish way
of life, comprised of ethics, traditions,
rituals, and other practices being forgotten by future generations:
The truth of the matter is the whole reason
why we live our lives the way we live amd
raise our children the way we're raising
them is because we see a threat to Jewish
continuity. . . Judaism is diminishing and it
is very important to us that our children
/
SEMANS and STONE FISH
129
TABLE
(continued)
CULTURAL (36)
Responsibility
Social Responsibility
Improving Outside World
Oppression
Threat to Jewish Continuity
Fear Judaism Is Diminishing
Hide Identity
Culture
Connected to People
Roots
1000-yr Old Tradition
Part of Larger Entity
Identity
Conversion
Parents Like Judaism
Child Feels Special
Child Has Many Friends
Traditions
Rituals
Decline After Child Bat Mitzvahed
Emotional Stability
Certain Rhythm for the Yeau-
Ethics
Repair the World
Do the Right Thing
Don't Put Yourself First
New Freedoms to Fight for
Be a Good Person
Give to Charities
Family
Jewish Pgirenting
Home-Based
Grender-Roles
Varying Levels
Children
Children Are Valued
Children Like Judaism
Adolescents' Ambivalence
Accepting If Child Intermarries
Dehate
Question/Debate
Open Discussion
Family Can Disagree
Community
Connection to Jewish Community
Commitment to Jewish Community
Comfortable in all Places Jewish
carry on Judaism into the next generation.
[Mrs. Stein]
For example, one culturally identified
mother said:
The major category, oppression, illustrates two ways that families can respond
to the experience of anti-Semitism. Some
families report strengthening their commitment to the Jewish way of life in
response to the threat that the Jewish
way of life is diminishing and/or in response to the historical legacy of persecution present in Jewish history. Other Jewish families choose to give up the Jewish
way of life and instead try to hlend into
society out of fear of being different from
the majority.
I realize more now that being Jevi^ish is being
part of a culture, being part of a group tbat
I'm very proud of. [Mrs. Kabn]
Culture
All the families discussed a connection
to the Jewish culture. The definitions of
what they meant by culture were diverse.
Fam. Proc, Voi 39, Spring, 2000
The two culturally identified families
spoke at length about the culture, the
traditions, the group with which they take
pride in identifying, while the religiously
identified families spoke of a strong connection to the people, to the religious
traditions, and to the family. This term,
"culture," signified many things to the
four families interviewed. Some family
members spoke of the way of life, traditions, and rituals; others spoke of a
connection to a group of people with whom
they share a history and way of life.
Although there were varied definitions of
130 /
"culture," they all concurred that this
culture is something to which they are
strongly connected and in which they take
pride in belonging.
Roots
Another prevalent theme throughout
the interviews was this sense that being
Jewish means belonging to a remarkable
institution that has lasted for thousands
of years. Families spoke of centuries of
oppression that Jews have endured and
how, despite the odds, Jews thrived in the
face of adversity. Both the cultural and
religious families expressed a feeling of
pride and an obligation to continue a
tradition that is very special:
Being Jewish is my roots. It's something that
I feel reasonably proud of Jewish people
established an institution that has lasted for
thousands of years which has evolved . . . it's
a creation . . . it's a vital creation. [Mr. Cohen]
All four families, in particular the adults,
spoke of this historical past, this special
legacy that has been passed down for
many generations. They feel an obligation
to their "roots," to their ancestors, to
continue this way of life, and to promote
Jewish continuity in future generations.
Identity
All four families assert the importance
of giving their children a cultural and/or
religious Jewish identity. Each family
discusses how being connected to Judaism
gives both themselves and their children a
solid and positive sense of who they are
and a guideline for living ethical lives. In
the following excerpt, a teenager discusses the importance of her Jewish
identity and what it means to her:
It's like I have a million good friends and I
like to be around them. And it's nice to have
FAMILY PROCESS
that identity, to know that there's something
that I always am. [Kahn, 16-year-old]
All the children, with the exception of one
teenager, spoke warmly and positively
about their Jewish identity. They describe
feeling they will always have this innercore identity to rely upon for strength, as
well as other Jews in the world with whom
they can connect.
Two of the eight parents converted to
Judaism shortly after marrying their Jewish spouses. These two individuals, who
were raised in Catholic homes, seem to
share a love of Judaism:
I converted to Judaism and I am more involved than my wife who was born Jewish. . .
As a former Roman Catholic, I felt there
were a lot of rules and that these rules could
not be questioned. . . You either followed
them or you didn't, and if you did not, it was
a terrible thing, a sin. [Mr. Kahn]
The other converted parent, also disclosed
her feelings of disillusionment with Catholicism and why she decided to convert
to Judaism. Like the converted father,
this mother felt Catholicism did not
encourage questioning or challenging of
the religious doctrines. As a child, she felt
it was a sin to question. She later said she
is, "passionately in love with Judaism,"
much more so than her husband who was
born Jewish.
The parents and children were asked
the question, "What does it mean to be a
good Jew?" All eight parents responded
that it is important to "do the right thing"
and to care for the well-being of others.
The parents also talked about the importance of not making judgments about others regarding whether they qualify as a
"good Jew." It is a very personal thing,
being a "good Jew," which each individual
needs to define for her or himself: "It
means not putting yourself first, but putting the community first. It means mak-
SEMANS and STONE FISH
/
131
ing sure you're doing the right thing." [Mr.
All parents discussed their dedication
Kahn]
to practice certain Jewish traditions in
The children interviewed in the theoreti- their homes in order to pass down the
cal sample are female and between the Jewish way of life to their children and to
ages of 9 and 16. Their responses to this future generations. One culturally identiquestion varied from, following the Ten fled family spoke of the traditions providCommandments to being a good person, ing emotional stability for their children,
The more religiously identified children because it provides a "rhythm," a cyclical
mentioned going to temple and following pattern that makes their children feel
the Ten Commandments. In contrast, the there is some predictability in a very
more culturally identified children felt unpredictable world. Although the four
that being a "good Jew" meant being a families were unique in that they chose
good person and being kind to others. The diverse family traditions to practice, they
quote listed below reveals the response of all shared feelings of loyalty to the ways of
a religiously identified 9-year-old girl:
the past. This obligation to pass down the
Jewish way of life through traditions repObserving the holidays, going to service, resents a thread that weaves the four
being religious, and using the command- families together.
ments. I feel that we have to be kind and give
The culturally and religiously identified
to charities and try to do well. I just try to be families seem to have different beliefs
nice to everybody and be very understand- about the importance of practicing the
ing. [Stein, 9-year-old]
Jewish rituals. The culturally identified
families practice certain rituals, but do
The children who were interviewed, with not feel it is necessary to embrace rituals
the exception of one ambivalently identi- that have no personal meaning for them,
fied 16-year-old (to be discussed later). In contrast, the religiously identified famiuniversally stated that they like being Hes stressed the importance of engaging
Jewish and feel good about their Jewish in the rituals each week to serve as a
heritage. Several rehgiously identified chil- symbolic reminder of Jewish history, and
dren mentioned the importance of follow- to bring family and friends together
ing the Ten Commandments, and all the throughout the year. They have a strong
children discussed the importance of be- behef that these rituals serve a dual puring a "good person."
pose of concurrently honoring the past
and bringing the family together on a
Traditions
regular basis:
The mothers and fathers spoke of the
Jewish traditions and how important it is
We do light candles every week; we always
to continue practicing some of these
have a Shabbat meal; we go to services on a
customs in their homes. Each family chose
fairly regular basis. We participate in sercertain traditions that have special meanvices. We certainly put a lot of spirit into our
r .,1
lng for them:
^
It just seems like there are certain traditions
celebrations of the major and minor holiTA/T /^ u i
days. [Mrs. Cohen]
Ethics
that are very important for emotional stabilA H I . . - , .
JI
r
r
ity
to have a certain rhythm of the year
All the families, regardless of type of
that is oriented towards Jewish holidays and Jewish identification, want their children
Jewish ritual and Jewish conditions. [Mrs. to treat others fairly and to be moral
individuals. They rely upon a Jewish
Fam. Proc, VoL 39, Spring, 2000
132 /
background to teach their children and to
also remind themselves about morality.
They feel Judaism v^^ill help guide their
children to be ethical human beings who
treat others fairly:
It's the ethical side of Judaism . . . being sure
you're doing the right thing and working out
what that is and doing it. For me it means
making informed choices . . . not putting
yourself first and making sure you're doing
the right thing. [Mr. Cohen]
As part of this ethical approach to life that
Judaism encourages, all the parents discussed what they felt was their most
important mission as Jews: to repair the
world or ''Tikkun Olum":
In each generation there are new freedoms
to fight for and that's part of the thought that
basically the original intent is to try to deal
with the universe, with everything, with all
the problems that beset us, and to do the
best for ourselves and for our children to
improve the world. [Mr. Kahn]
FAMILY PROCESS
particular, children seems to be a common
theme throughout the interviews:
Having a strong sense that family is number
one. Family counts as number one and children and future grandchildren, and so on,
are more important than you are. You are
always part of the family. [Mrs. Goldberg]
For all of these families, preserving a
home-life that is centered on raising their
children with values that are consonant
with their belief systems is something
they universally report striving toward.
All members of the family are connected
to each other and thrive within this
intricate web of relationships.
Parents were queried about the possible
role that Judaism plays in the w^ays in
which they parent their children. All families felt Judaism infiuences their parenting style, but tv^o of the four families were
not sure how their parenting style is affected. Two of the four families had definitive responses to this question:
The aforementioned quote from a culWe have this thing about hugging our children. On Friday nights I bless the children. I
tural father reveals a core mission that
put my hands on the kids after I do the
these families believe in, to act in a way
blessing. I kiss them on the head at least
that will improve the world. This includes
once a week, so even if you don't touch your
many missions: to fight oppression, povchildren, which we do often, you have to
erty, nuclear war, and to save the environconnect physically with your kids. Judaism
ment. As the quote reveals, there are
provides a method of doing that. [Mr. Stein]
many freedoms to fight for, and that is a
Jew's responsibility. This desire to fight
for justice and to improve the w^orld V'Tlk- Another culturally identified mother diskun Olum") is a mission that all four cussed the rituals and how they promote
developmentally appropriate transitions
families share.
for children, encouraging them to develop
their own identities. She used the ''Bat
Family
Mitzvah'' tradition as am example of ritualPreserving family ties and nurturing izing the rite of passage of children into
their children, is another tenet these young adulthood. These families believe
families share. There was a ubiquitous that their ethnic and religious backresponse that their families are more ground as Jews does inform their parentimportant than anything else in their ing styles in the way they discipline their
lives. This emphasis on family and, in children on a daily basis, and in promot-
SEMANS and STONE FISH
ing healthy identity development through
the practice of the rituals and traditions.
These parents universally report that
having a Jewish home and honoring Jewish traditions helps to support this ideal
that their children and family are central
in their lives:
It's something which we feel is not something that you can just leave to her day
school education or even going to Shul. It's
something that's got to be done at home.
[Mrs. Cohen]
They report that what attracts them to
Judaism is its emphasis on familycentered activities and the doctrine that
your children are to be valued, cherished,
and nurtured. Most of the holidays and
festivals revolve around the home, which
provides a religious/cultural structure
that upholds the family as a central,
invaluable part of life.
There seems to be room for diverse ways
of being Jewish within the same family.
The children, in particular the adolescents, often did not share the same views
as their parents. Similarly, the parents
within the same family seem to hold disparate views of what it means to be a
practicing Jew. Within the same family,
different family members were more active, while others did not feel the need to
participate. The quote below from a religiously identified father illustrates this
pattern:
There is room for all of us to have different
views about Judaism. Our daughter does not
agree with us, but she is allowed to have
different opinions. [Mr. Cohen]
Within the same family, there is an
acceptabihty and openness to family members having their own opinions and ways
of making sense of what it means to be
Jewish. Although certain practices are not
an option for their children (like attending
Fam. Proc, VoL 39, Spring, 2000
/
133
Hebrew school and getting Bat-mitzvahed), in other areas there is room for
individual interpretation of what it means
to be Jewish.
Children: Generational Transmission
All the parents strongly assert that
their children are precious, valued members of their families whom they have a
responsibility to teach and to model how
to be ethical, contributing members of this
society. This emphasis on sacrificing for
one's children and working hard to improve their lives is a common theme
throughout the four families:
Two of the most important aspects of Judaism are the importance of children and the
respect for knowledge. . . Basically it's a way
of transmitting those values and a number of
other things down the generations so that
you're improving the chance of continuity
not just within your immediate children, but
to future generations. [Mrs. Goldberg]
These families assert that a Jewish way of
life helps them instill a sense of morality
and obligation in their children. It is a
foundation that they rely upon to parent
and to guide their children to be ethical
individuals.
Most of the children in these four families state they like being Jewish and feel
good about their Jewish heritage. Overall,
these children, whose ages ranged from 9
to 16 years, strongly assert that they like
being Jewish because it makes them feel
unique, connected, and special:
"I think it's really great to be Jewish; it's
something to hold onto. I like the extended
family, the traditions, going to temple, and
the connections with other Jewish people.
[Goldberg, 16-year-old]
This youth talks about having something
to "hold onto," feeling unique, and having
134 /
connections to other Jewish people. Perhaps a strong Jewish identity gives them
a feeling of security and uniqueness they
can rely upon throughout their lives.
Analogous to developmental stages during childhood, there seems to be a parallel
ethnic-identity development that children
traverse. In general the younger preadolescent children were in agreement
with their parents about what it means to
be Jewish, while the children who were in
adolescence were less certain about the
meaning of being Jewish. Like the search
for personal identity in this stage of development, it seems the adolescents' task is
to also search for an ethnic identity. This
attempt to separate from one's parents
and find a personal self also seems to
occur within their ethnic-self. The following quotes from a culturally identified
16-year-old daughter, followed by a religious father's perception of his 16-year-old
daughter's separation reveal this search
for an ethnic identity.
I don't think being Jewish is the main
focus of my life but it is an important part. . .
Spirituality is important to me, but I haven't
figured out how "Jewishness''fits in. I mean I
know it does, but I haven't figured out that
connection yet. [Kahn, 16-year-old]
We see our daughter going through that
stage of trying to separate from the ideas
that we're talking about. Being active in
Judaism as a youngster, she was very active
with us. We know eventually the background that's down in there becomes most
often important again; it's certainly never
lost. [Mr. Cohen]
FAMILY PROCESS
bivalence about being Jewish, reveals his
understanding that it is developmentally
appropriate for his teenage daughter to be
separating and challenging her Jewish
identity. It is his belief that eventually all
the Jewish background will resurface as
she matures and progresses through this
developmental stage.
Question and Debate
A style of communication that all families seem to share is the tendency to
question and challenge each other respectfully. This style of communication extends
beyond the family to their Rabbis, religious leaders, and other members of the
Jew^ish community. Both the religious and
cultural parents, particularly the parents
who converted to Judaism, value the
opportunity to "debate and to w^restle"
with Jewish principles. Each family discussed the importance of making meaning
of Judaism by questioning and challenging the tenets. They feel this openness to
respectful challenge of their religious
doctrines gives them an opportunity to
understand and embrace Judaism more
fully:
The other wonderful thing about Judaism is
that there are very few things you are required to believe. Everything is up for discussion, question, and argument. You're encouraged to question 2ind to argue various things
that might not be questioned in other faiths.
That constant questioning is stimulating
and constantly renewing because the beliefs
I had ten or fifteen years ago are very
different today. [Mrs. Cohen]
This kind of inquisitive interchange is
The former quote reveals a teenager's encouraged within the branch of Judaism
confusion about how Jewishness will be- (Reform), with which they chose to affilicome a part of her life. She states that she ate. All eight parents attribute this inquisiknows spirituality is important to her, but tive style of communication to their Jewis still struggling with how to make a ish background. They also feel their
connection to it in her own life. Similarly, Jewish background shapes the ways in
the latter quote from the father who is which they communicate with each other
commenting on his daughter's current am- at home.
SEMANS and STONE FISH
/
135
There appears to be an expectation that
other points of view, being persistent is
fine. . . I think it's good training for adult life.
dissension w^ill occur between spouses and
[Mrs. Goldberg]
that it is a "healthy" process that occurs
between family members. During the actual interview, three of the four sets of Therefore, the way these Jewish families
spouses had open disagreements, and did make meaning out of conflict or disagreenot feel the need to appear as if they were ment is more of a connecting rather than a
always in agreement. On the contrary, disconnecting process.
they seemed very comfortable respectfully
Jewish Community
asserting their own opinions:
The families universally state that
It took me a long time to feel comfortable belonging to organizations in the Jewish
arguing. We definitely let each other know community is a way to express and to stay
we're angry aind we argue it out until we connected to their Jewish identity. The
come to a place where we are comfortable. community gives them a place to belong,
[Mr. Goldberg]
to feel accepted, and to be comforted in
times of stress and uncertainty. This
In addition to open conflict between sense of belonging, no matter where one
spouses, the parents also seemed comfort- travels, is a feeling that these parents
able allowing their children to have dispar- want their children to have:
ate opinions and respectfully challenging
them.
My great hope is that if she travels around
Throughout the interviews with all four
the world, she'll never feel afraid to go into a
families, the parents gave their children
synagogue and look for the Jewish commuample time to voice their opinions. It is
nity there or look for some Jewish center
around there, that she'll feel comfortable in
our belief that by encouraging their chilall places Jewish. [Mr. Stein]
dren's questioning, parents support their
children's development of their own opinDISCUSSION
ions. When the children disagreed with
their parents' responses, they openly verThe qualitative findings, based on interbalized their dissent. The parents ap- views with four families who identify as
peared to verbally as well as nonverbally either culturally or religiously Jewish,
encourage and support their children's suggest that Jewish identity guides their
open dialogue about their feelings and family environments on a daily basis in
opinions. Verbally, the parents either thought and in action. Although a theoretiasked their children to define and explain cal sample of four families was analyzed,
their thoughts, and nonverbally the par- all forty-eight families who participated in
ents did not interrupt the children when the larger study informed many of the
they disagreed with something they said. categories that emerged from the qualitaThere appear to be analogous patterns of tive analysis. All families interviewed
parents encouraging their children to report feeling connected to their Jewish
speak freely and openly even when their identity and seem to maintain this idenchildren's responses contradict their own tity by honoring the past via practicing
rituals in the home, following a code of
opinions:
ethics informed by Judaism, valuing the
We have disagreements with the kids all the family and their children, and affiliating
time. She has to understand that argument with the Jewish community. Other family
is fine, discussing something, bringing up d5mamics are shaped by their Jewish
Fam. Proc, Voi 39, Spring, 2000
136 /
identity as they assert that their styles of
parenting and communicating are informed by their Jewish identity.
All of the children who were interviewed liked being Jewish, and they feel it
is an important part of their identity.
Although some of the adolescent children
are ambivalent about their ethnic/religious identity, they do state that it is
something that makes them feel "special"
and unique. The difference in responses
between the pre-adolescent and adolescent children seem to indicate there are
developmental differences in the attainment of ethnic identity, similar to the
process of identity formation during this
developmental stage (Elkind, 1961; Short
& Carrington, 1992). Overall, the qualitative findings support the premise that the
strength of Jewish identification does influence and shape how families live.
According to many scholars in the field
(Dor-Shav, 1990; Gleckman & Streicher,
1990; Gushue, 1993; Klein, 1980; McGoldrick, 1994; Schlesinger & Forman, 1988;
Smith, 1991; Sousa, 1995), even though
families live in America and might consider themselves well assimilated, ethnic/
religious identity still plays a role in determining how they view the world around
them and how they relate to themselves
and to others. Families who were interviewed in this study confirmed this idea.
The main category, ''Making sense of the
universe: Dissecting the world with a Jewish scalpel," captures this premise that
their Jewish identification does shape how
they view the world and how they live on a
daily basis.
Making Meaning with a Jewish Scalpel
The Jewish families interviewed in this
study make meaning of the world in a
Jewish way. Judaism informs the way
families are made, similar to how an
instrument informs the dissecting process. The tool has a long history, comprised of values, traditions, rituals, and
FAMILY PROCESS
ethics that have heen passed down through
many generations. The metaphor of a
scalpel, chosen by one of the participants,
is itself rich in meaning. During many
historical moments Jews have been identified by a scalpel in both precious and
oppressive ways. A scalpel is often identified with the circumcision process, dating
back to Abraham's covenant with God to
circumcise himself and all future generations. Families discussed their religious
and cultural heritage as Jews, as well as
the history of oppression as influential
themes in their developing families.
The scalpel is an instrument of tradition and ritual, both very important in the
development of Jewish identity. One tradition that all religious and some cultural
families practice is that of keeping kosher.
One kosher rule involves how animals are
slaughtered to be eaten. They are killed
with a knife in the most humane way
possible so that the animal is less likely to
suffer. One main purpose of kosher rules
is that meat and milk are not eaten together. This practice assures that the
mother's milk will not be eaten with the
mother's meat. Keeping kosher and circumcision are both covenants with (jod
that keep families and children together.
The scalpel then, involves tradition and
ethics that families and children all revealed as important themes during the
interviews.
The scalpel is an instrument that is also
identified with the medical profession.
The medical profession has its roots both
in opportunity to question and to debate
and in a profound responsibility to others,
both Jewish themes. The Jewish scalpel,
then is an apt metaphor to enhance our
understanding of how these families make
meaning of their worlds.
It is of interest to note that the scalpel
metaphor came from a Jew who had converted to Judaism as an adult. We could
speculate that the converted status of the
SEMANS and STONE FISH
interviewee informs the metaphor. It may
be that converted Jews, who have something to compare Judaism to, feel differently than nonconverted Jews about the
way that Judaism informs their understanding of the world. It could also be that
there are some core similarities about
world views that are articulated differently because Judaism is understood from
an adult lens as opposed to first learnings
as a child. It may be that there is a way in
which Judaism sits more center stage in
the lives of converted Jews and their
families because conversion is a process
that organizes your time and energy. This
may also account for the fact that two of
the four families most strongly identified
as Jews in our larger sample of 48 families
had converted members in them. A Jew by
choice may be more actively engaged in
the overt thoughts and practices of Judaism than a Jew by birth. There were other
converted adults and there were nonJewish adults raising Jewish children in
our sample. Further inquiry into the expenences of these families is certainly warranted before we conclude with any hypotheses about how conversion informs
Jewish thought and practice.
SUMMARY
The participants interviewed in this
study, a sample of Northeastern middleclass Jews who live in a small city, seem to
believe that a certain type of ethnic
identity, Jewish identity, does infiuence
many family dynamics, and enhances
their children's self-esteem. The two religious and two cultural families reveal that
their Jewish identity shapes and infiuences their family dynamics in many
ways. They assert that their styles of
parenting and communicating are informed by their Jewish identity. Overall,
the children state that they like heing
Jewish because it makes them feel "special" and unique; it is an important part of
Fam. Proc, VoL 39, Spring, 2000
/
their identity. Compared to the preadolescent children, the adolescent children are not as certain about the meaning
of being Jewish, supporting Dor-Shav's
(1990) ethnic identity developmental
model. These findings suggest that there
are many ways that the strength of
Jewish identification infiuences family
dynamics.
''Tikkun Olum" or making the world a
better place is the mission they share and
try to practice in their lives. While this
^ a y be a mission that many families in
similar circumstances hold as well, for
these families, this is a Jewish mission,
They feel a responsibihty toward others
^nd believe that a solid Jewish identity
^^^ provide their children with an ethical
guideline for living their lives, an inner^ore identity to rely upon for strength, and
^ community where they belong and can
^e comforted throughout their lives. Although there are some differences be^^^^^ ^^e religious and cultural families,
^^ey share a belief that grounding their
^^^-^^ ^^ ^ ^^^-^ j^^^^h identity will en^^^^^ ^^^-^ ^-^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^-^ children
"something to hold onto" m times of stress.
Dissecting the world with a Jewish scalpel
seems to provide a way to make meaning
of the complex practice of raising a family.
This project should be viewed as a
springboard from which researchers can
more deeply explore the interface between
ethnic identity and family dynamics. Due
to the theoretical sampling, it is not possible to generalize these findings to other
Jewish families. Therefore, more research
exploring families of Jewish as well as
other ethnic backgrounds might further
elucidate why in some families ethnic
identity is preserved, while in others it is
negated in favor of assimilating,
Ethnicity shapes many beliefs, behaviors, and ways of interacting. The 11 categories that emerged from the analysis
may be equally relevant for other ethnic
138 /
groups in the United States in the ways in
which they promote healthy ethnic identity development in their families. Other
ethnic groups also have a history of oppression, and it would be helpful to understand how this history informs how these
families ethnically identify today. Why
some Jewish families choose to connect
more fervently to the Jewish way of life in
response to anti-Semitism while others
negate their ethnic identity is an area of
inquiry for future research, not just with
Jewish families but also with other ethnic
groups in America.
These interviews revealed that for some
families, hiding one's "Jewishness" was an
act of survival (that is, during the Holocaust), perhaps even a resilient response
to oppression. It would be important to
explore how other ethnic groups handle
the historical legacy of persecution and
the impact this may have on family dynamics and individual well-being. Families in
this study reveal that they preserve their
ethnic identity and still feel a part of the
United States culture. It may be fruitful to
compare other ethnic groups that manage
this bicultural way of being. As the United
States works toward appreciating cultural diversity, understanding the conflicting demands of preserving one's ethnicity
while still being part of the mainstream
culture would be invaluable information.
Ultimately, discovering parenting styles
and/or optimal ways of socializing children with positive and strong ethnic identity may promote healthier family and
individual development. Therapists might
want to consider ethnic identity as a dimension that affects the ways in which
they and their clients interact with each
other. Helping clients discuss the many
ways their cultural/ethnic backgrounds
inform the way they live and interact with
each other may help to contextualize many
of their thoughts and behaviors. Instead
of interpreting cultural differences as per-
FAMILY PROCESS
sonal failings, people can learn to understand others within a cultural context
that may help them negotiate their differences in more helpful ways.
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Manuscript received January 4, 1999; revision
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