Des Moines Register
07-29-07
Kids off to college, tough for parents to let go
Sending children away to school is a rite of passage that stirs a mix of anxiety
and pride for families
By DAWN SAGARIO
REGISTER STAFF WRITER
It's perhaps one of the most bittersweet rites of passages for parents and
children: Seeing the first child head off to college.
There's trepidation mingled with excitement, apprehension coupled with
euphoria, sadness matched by pride.
Most of all, the trick is learning to hold on while letting go.
Sharon Skilling discovered it was the silence at bedtime that tugged at her heart
after her son, Ethan Garrigan, moved into the dorms at Drake University.
Like clockwork, Ethan Garrigan had bid her good night every night he lived at
home.
"I think I prepared for it," said Skilling, who now lives alone. "I was comforted by
the fact that if I needed to see him, I could make it happen."
Kim DiMaria often thinks she should have waited one more year to put her
daughter, Jolie Monroe, in kindergarten.
Then Jolie wouldn't be going away to Iowa State University next year.
"I'm not ready to let her go," said DiMaria, who clings to the fact that Jolie still has
her senior year ahead at Hoover High School.
For most parents, emotional separations are just the beginning of anxiety about
the college experience.
Parents also face very real concerns about their children's newfound
independence, judgment and maturity, time management, financial planning,
drugs, sex and drinking.
Among parents, 45 percent say finances top their list of concerns, according to
results from a national online poll released in March.
Health and safety, academics and career planning followed, according to the
College Parents of America and Student Advantage LLC, who conducted the
survey.
Kimber Foshe, a guidance counselor at East High School, noted that a big issue
is the security on campus.
Concerns include security in and access to college buildings and dormitory
rooms, as well as tracking - what happens if a student doesn't show up for class
or at the dorm where he or she lives?
How will parents know what's going on?
It's clear technology has helped bridge the communication divide, with parents
and children just a quick cell phone call, instant message, e-mail or text message
away.
Cell phones are by far the communication tool of choice, with 82 percent of
parents using them, the survey also showed.
There's good and bad to the convenience and immediacy of contact. There are
no hard or fast rules about how often to communicate, educators say.
No news is good news for some families; others may expect a call every day.
This is where trust and letting children flex their independence in making
decisions kick in for parents, said Waukee High School Principal Jody Ratigan.
"It may be more challenging for the parent than the child," she said. "From the
child, it may be the perspective that they are gaining independence.
"For the parent, it may be from the perspective that they are losing something."
PASSAGE 1: One more year at home
Mother Kim DiMaria and daughter Jolie Monroe
If Kim DiMaria could turn back the clock to the day her daughter entered
kindergarten, she would choose to wait another year before putting her in school.
That way, the Beaverdale mom said, she could keep daughter Jolie Monroe, a
senior at Hoover High School this fall, home a little longer.
"I'm not ready to let her go," said DiMaria, who expects to see her daughter off to
college in August 2008, within days or weeks of her 18th birthday.
"I was thinking about it the other day - it's going to be a year of lasts," DiMaria
said. "I think it's probably going to weigh on me a lot."
It's a bittersweet time as DiMaria and her husband, Steve Monroe, try to balance
their desires of giving Jolie, now 16, more independence while wanting her to
spend more time with the family.
"I'm really not trying to think about it before school starts," she said. "Once we get
beyond that, I think I'll start getting excited for her."
Jolie, who has already applied to Iowa State University, feels an urgency to
make the most of her senior year.
She and her friends have talked about the "lasts" this year, too. The last prom,
the last football game, the last homecoming.
"I want to have fun, since it's my last year with all of my high school friends, and
just take in the atmosphere because it won't be like that in college," said Jolie,
who will be juggling work, school, family and friends.
She and her parents are talking about her major (she's undecided), the kind of
room she'll live in (she wants a suite but it'll cost extra), and having a car on
campus.
I want my car up there, but my mom doesn't think so," Jolie said. "I'm sure she's
right, but I don't want to believe it."
DiMaria dreads Jolie's absence, but is jazzed about what's in store for her.
She is saving the conversations about sex, drugs and finances for next summer.
"I think this year I'm going to try and relish that parent-child relationship."
PASSAGE 2: College starts in the fall
Mother Nancy Singh and daughter Jenny Singh
As many as 30 colleges were courting basketball player Jenny Singh this year,
some from as far as Ohio.
Singh, 18, of West Des Moines, eventually whittled her choice down to Simpson
College in Indianola. She'll be a freshman in the fall.
She will play basketball and was also awarded a partial academic scholarship.
"I like the closeness of Simpson," she said. "That was the one school I visited
that I thought would be best for me."
Jenny is planning to major in business management and art, and she is looking
forward to a future career in interior design.
Mother Nancy said security is one of her main concerns.
"She has kind of been in this cocoon her whole life," Singh said of her daughter,
who was an honor roll student and on the basketball team at Valley High School.
"West Des Moines can be like a small town, too."
This summer, the family has set aside time to talk to Jenny about finances,
especially steering clear of credit card offers.
Jenny also needs to save a dedicated amount of income from a summer job for
spending money this fall.
"I think college should be a partnership," said Nancy Singh. "I think that kids
should understand the benefits and that mom and dad are there for a safety net,
but you have to put your best foot forward."
The proximity of Simpson is a double-edged sword, she said.
While they'll see Jenny at monthly lunches, watch her at basketball games and
use e-mail to stay in touch, she wants her daughter to stay on campus and
experience college life rather than coming home every weekend.
"They should be sponges; just absorb what's in the world," said Nancy Singh,
who has a younger daughter, Sydney, 15.
"There's so much more out there than home."
Learning to study independently, without the push from her parents, is one thing
Jenny is worried most about.
"I don't have any parents yelling at me to make sure to do my homework," she
said. "I'm just most nervous about living up to expectations."
PASSAGE 3: One year down, three to go
Mother Sharon Skilling and son Ethan Garrigan
The silence was strange for Sharon Skilling.
She was used to her only son, Ethan, telling her good night when he lived in their
Des Moines home.
That stopped when he moved into the Drake University dorms as a freshman last
year.
Garrigan, 19, said many of his classmates from Nebraska, Minnesota and
Chicago saw their parents more often than he saw his mom.
While he could understand why they would want to go home, he said, it seemed
like they weren't "growing" and really experiencing college life.
"If I ever needed something, she would be there for me, but wouldn't intrude," he
said. "It's like I gained some respect as an adult."
The two talked on the phone once a week and sent occasional e-mails. They'd
catch up when he came home to do laundry. Occasionally, they got together at
Roosevelt football games.
"There was kind of an intentional avoidance, without maliciousness," Skilling
said.
Despite the moments of sadness and loneliness she sometimes felt, Skilling said
she knew giving her son space was preparing him for the inevitable: life.
"It has always been very important to me for him to be independent," she said.
She was most worried about her son getting up in time to make it to classes:
"Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things."
One life lesson Garrigan said he learned was budgeting the lump sum his mom
gave him as spending money for the entire year.
When he went through the money a little too quickly (his mom thinks he spent it
all by Christmas break; he insists that wasn't the case), he ended up taking odd
jobs and cutting back his social life.
One pleasant surprise for Skilling during that first year of college was her son's
newfound openness with her.
"I was actually surprised at how much he would tell me," she said. "He was
always honest about grades and friends and what was happening in the dorms."
Her son's response?
"I figured she had no clue what was going on, so I figured I might as Good
questions for prospective college students to answer
- How would you respond if you and your roommate had a fight?
- How could we (as parents) help you during a difficult time?
- When would you want us to offer advice or just listen?
- How often do you want us to call you?
- How often do you want to visit?
- What are your expectations about financial support?
Source: Ron Werner-Wilson, associate professor, Iowa State University, and
author of the book "Developmental-Systemic Family Therapy with Adolescents"
(Haworth Press, 2001)
well let her know."
TIPS FOR PARENTS AND STUDENTS
FOSTER INDEPENDENCE
“You don’t have to control everything.”
That’s Kimber Foshe’s message to parents. Sometimes, it means adults biting
their tongues as a child makes a wrong decision.
“You need to communicate trust and willingness to be there and process with
your student what didn’t go as you expected,” said Foshe, a counselor at East
High School who is also a parent.
“Let them take small risks. It hurts. It’s painful. But if you don’t deal with it now, it
will only get worse later on.”
Foshe’s tips include:
• Let students make that first trip to the college bookstore alone to get their
textbooks.
• Refrain from calling kids on their cell phones to get them up in the morning to
go to class.
“The sad thing is I think what the parent doesn’t realize is this is a lack of trust.
The parent may have inadvertently nurtured that dependence.”
LISTEN CAREFULLY
“The largest thing is always to listen and be open,” said Sedahlia Crase, a
professor of human development and family studies at Iowa State
University.
“Listen to what the child ... says about what they’re feeling. The only way that
anybody will continue to express their feelings to anybody else is if they’re not
judged for having those.”
Ask students questions that really matter, said Crase, herself a parent.
“You really don’t want to know if they ate three meals before they went to bed
last night.”
She suggested other ways to communicate:
• If a child wants to drop out of a class, a parent can say, “I’m sorry this is
upsetting you. I wish I could take away the pain.”
Then the parent can ask: “How does the instructor make you feel? Could we talk
about other options you might have? Can you talk to your adviser?”
• Ask questions like these: How are you doing? How are things going? Are you
able to have a little fun? How are your teachers? What are they like?
RUN THROUGH SCENARIOS
When Foshe’s daughter was attending undergraduate school in Kansas City,
they did some research and troubleshooting for dealing with problems.
• Where will I live? If a student decides to live off-campus, research the number
of police calls specific to an apartment complex or neighborhood.
• What if I get sick? Find out where the closest doctor, dentist or student health
services building are located.
• What if I get locked out of my apartment (or dorm room)? Give someone an
extra key.
• Where’s the closest grocery store? Check its hours.
Reporter Dawn Sagario can be reached at (515) 284-8351 or
dsagario@dmreg.com