Des Moines Register
09-16-06
Hansen: U of I, ISU fans: Prepare for post-game comebacks
BY MARC HANSEN
THE REGISTER
This is the day Iowa football fans gather in beer-swilling, bratwurst-grilling, small
groups and bow their heads in prayer.
"Dear Lord, please don't let us lose to Iowa State for the seventh time in nine
years. We're not sure we can handle the humiliation. We thought things were
finally going our way again ... when wham, 23-3 in last year's game. We promise
to remain humble in victory, though it isn't easy with all the success we've had
otherwise. Amen."
The Hawkeyes are big favorites today. But just in case Drew Tate is still hurt and
the oddsmakers are wrong - again - I've whipped up a little something to help
ease the pain in broken Hawkeye hearts.
Iowa fans, simply clip this column and refer to it when accosted by giddy and
perhaps inebriated Iowa State fans after the game. If you, Mr. and Mrs.
Hawkeye, plan on being inebriated, too, tie a string around your finger as a
reminder.
It won't resolve any disagreements, but at least it will change the subject and
make you feel better for a minute or two.
OK. When an Iowa State fan says, "Overrated as usual; you're lucky you don't
play in a real football conference against real teams or this would happen every
week," the Iowa fan says, "Oh, yeah? Well, at least we're the better academic
school."
The Cyclone fan mumbles something brilliant, such as "Huh?" and leaves a huge
opening for the Hawkeye, who says:
"Yep. We're better than you where it really counts - in the classroom. In case you
hadn't heard, Iowa pounded Iowa State in the recent U.S. News & World Report
'Best Colleges' rankings."
Iowa didn't exactly pound Iowa State. On the list of the magazine's "best national
universities," Iowa was tied for 64th with Purdue and that perennial gridiron
power Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Iowa State was tied for 81st with Baylor, Clark University of Massachusetts,
Marquette and North Carolina State.
Iowa came out slightly ahead in peer assessment, percentage of classes under
20 students, percentage of classes of 50 or more, percentage of full-time faculty
and admissions selectivity.
Iowa didn't win by much. Most of the numbers were close. Test scores were a
push.
Iowa State got the nod in freshman retention rate, graduation rate, percentage of
freshmen in the top 10 percent of their high school class and percentage of
alums giving money.
The truth is, Iowa and Iowa State are more alike academically than different. It's
impossible to say one is truly superior to the other.
College is a personal choice anyway. The perfect school for some students might
not be the one with the lofty "faculty resources" rank.
U.S. News put it this way: "Certainly, the college experience consists of
intangibles that cannot be reduced to mere numbers."
That said, let's reduce some tangibles to mere numbers. We're not concerned
with the truth here. We're concerned with salvaging self-respect.
When Iowa State fans start talking smack about Big 12 superiority, as they
always do, you Iowa fans have them.
"I hope you aren't referring to academics," the Hawkeye fan will say, "because
the Big Ten murdered the Big 12 in the 'Best College' rankings."
Northwestern is ranked 14th; Michigan, 24th; Wisconsin, 34th; Penn State and
Texas are tied for 47th; Ohio State, 57th; Texas A&M, 60th; Minnesota, 67th;
Indiana and Michigan State are tied for 70th; Colorado, 77th; Kansas and
Missouri are tied for 88th; and Nebraska is 99th.
Suggestion for Cyclone fans: File that Nebraska rating for future reference.
If Iowa State fans are smart, they'll have a comeback of their own. Something
like, "You'd better hope these rankings are more accurate than the polls that
keep missing the mark on your football team."
But what if Iowa wins? It could happen. It happened 15 years in a row in the '80s
and '90s.
If it does, Cyclone fans can quote the Princeton Review, which also rates
colleges, going in a slightly different direction.
Based on "feedback from more than 115,000 students across the nation," Iowa is
No. 1 in "Their Students (Almost) Never Study."
No. 1 in all the land, which makes a certain amount of sense when you see
where else Iowa pops up: Ninth among "Party Schools," 12th in "Lots of Hard
Liquor," 15th in "Lots of Beer" and 14th in "Teaching Assistants Teach Too Many
Upper-Level Courses."
Iowa State, to be fair, was seventh in "Professors Get Low Marks" and 12th in
"Jock Schools."
Jock school is no high honor, but it's better than being lumped with the "Dodge
Ball Targets."
*****
Columnist Marc Hansen can be reached at (515) 284-8534 or
mahansen@dmreg.com