EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY
SPIRITUALITY:
SLOWING DOWN TO BE WITH GOD
Pete Scazzero
North Central District Evangelical Free
www.emotionallyhealthy.org
April 19-20, 2010
SESSION 1
INTRODUCTION AND
LEADERSHIP IN THE NEW FAMILY
OF JESUS
I. Our Journey of Four
Conversions
Becoming a Christian - Our Story
Iceberg Model
What Lies Beneath The Surface
B. Emotional Health: Conversion Two
Emotional Health and Spiritual Maturity
are Inseparable
It is not possible to be spiritually mature while
remaining emotionally immature.
Different Parts/Components of Who We Are
C. Contemplative Spirituality:
Conversion Three
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he
came to a village where a woman named Martha
opened her home to him. She had a sister called
Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what
he said. But Martha was distracted by all the
preparations that had to be made. She came to
him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my
sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell
her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord
answered, "you are worried and upset about
many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary
has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken
away from her.“ (Luke 10:38-42)
Balancing Activity and Contemplation
Martha – Active, working for Jesus, but
missing Him.
Mary –
Sitting at the Lord’s feet in
contemplation
Knowing Jesus, being
with Jesus.
Activity
Contemplation
(Being w/ God)
Your Life
Contemplation
Activity
(Being w/ God)
Your Life
D. Slowing Down to Lead with
Integrity: Conversion Four
Hard Lessons Learned
Integrity:
With God
With Yourself
With Your Marriage
With Your Leadership
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Components
CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SPIRITUALITY
DISCIPLESHIP
(SLOW DOWN
TO BE WITH GOD)
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
LEADERSHIP
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SKILLS
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
MARRIAGES
(AND SEXUALITY)
SESSION 2
GOING BACK IN ORDER TO
GO FORWARD
Joseph’s Family Tree
Name meaning
“fruitful in land of suffering”
Name meaning “fruitful in land of suffering”
Two Biblical Principles
A. The Blessing and Sins of Our Families Have
Impact Lasting for at Least Three to Four
Generations.
Ex. 34:6-8 Moses asks to see God’s glory “And he passed in
front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, The Lord, the
compassionate and gracious God…Yet he does not leave the
guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the
fathers to the third and fourth generation.
Ex. 20:4-6 You shall not make for yourself an idol… for I am a
jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers
to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
but showing love to a thousand generations of those who
love me and keep my commandments.
2 Kings. 10:30 Because you have done well in accomplishing
what is right in my eyes…, your descendents will sit on my
throne in Israel to the fourth generation (Jehu).
2 Sam. 12:10 (Bathsheba) Now therefore the sword will never
depart from your house, because you despised me and took
the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.
Two Biblical Principles
A. The Blessing and Sins of Our Families Have
Impact Lasting for at Least Three to Four
Generations.
B. Becoming a Christian is to be Birthed into a
New Family and a New Culture; Discipleship
is the Process of Putting off our Sinful
Patterns of our Family of Origin.
Scazzero’s
Ariola’s
God’s Family
Italian Immigrants
Italian Immigrants
Love of Music
Love of Education
DIED YOUNG
Womanizer
Abusive
Dominic
Pasqualena
Calendro Dominant
Scazzero
Billy
Rosie
Conflicted Marriage
No Intimacy
Hank
Anna
Crescenzo
Carmela
Ariola
Serpico
Yolanda
Dondi
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Passive
Driven
Physically Abusive
Absent
Joseph
Scazzero
Gloria
Conflicted
No intimacy
Stable
Joseph
Inferiority complex
Wasted lives
Trapped
Emotionally ABANDONED
Frances
Ariola
Narcissistic,
Emotionally Abusive
Clinically depressed
“Take care of Me”
Anthony
Emotionally Abandoned,
Inferiority Complex
Trapped
Earthquake Events
Pete
Scazzero
Fear of Abandonment
“Take care of Others”
Driven
Geri
Themes
Cousin with Down Syndrome
Abandonments
Cousin killed in Vietnam 1968
Cut-offs
Brother joins Unification
Church (declared dead)
_________________
Overworking
Maria
Christy
Faith
Eva
Unhappy Marriages
______________
UNCLE
AUNT
AUNT
Frances
Joe
Earthquake Events
Themes
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Earthquake Events
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Emotional Relationships Legend
Distant / Poor
Conflict
Cutoff / Estranged
Enmeshed
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Abuse
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Earthquake Events
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Earthquake Events
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Earthquake Events
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Earthquake Events
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
___________
___________
___________
___________
___________
Dominic
Scazzero
Billy
Pasqualena
Calendro
Rosie
Hank
Workaholic
Physically Abusive
Love for Music &
Education
Anna
Joseph
Scazzero
Yolanda
Conflicted
Gloria
Joseph
Crescenzo
Ariola
~
Carmela
Serpico
Dondi
Stable
~
No Intimacy
Emil
Peter
Jr.
Frances
Ariola
Anthony
THE CARETAKER
Earthquake Events
Cousin
with Down Syndrome
___________
Cousin
killed in Vietnam 1968
___________
Brother joins Unification
___________
Church (declared dead)
___________
_________________
___________
Pete
Geri
Maria
Christy
© Pete and Geri Scazzero - February,
2010
Faith
Eva
Themes
Abandonments
___________
Cut-offs
___________
Overworking
___________
Unhappy Marriages
___________
______________
___________
Groups of 2-3
Answer questions 8 and 9 (on page 6)
from constructing your genogram
sheet.
Applications: Going Back to Go
Forward
1. Become Aware of Your Family
Commandments
Are you living in your “father’s”
house or your “Father’s” house?
Applications: Going Back to Go
Forward
1. Awareness of Your Family
Commandments
2. Experience the Transforming Power of
the Gospel
Gospel vs. Legalism
Gospel
Works Righteousness
1. We believe
2. Christ accepts us
totally, absolutely
3. We obey
1. We believe
2. We obey
3. Christ accepts us
totally, absolutely
The Gospel
• God treats you as if you have done everything
Jesus has done
• God loves you the way He loves Jesus
• God is the same today, yesterday, and 100
million years from now
• Gospel is to rely on Christ’s record for your
relationship with God
Sample Scripts from Our Family of
Origin
Don’t be you.
You’ll never amount to anything.
Don’t make mistakes.
Be quiet and obey.
Don’t assert yourself.
Don’t ask for what you want or need.
Don’t feel.
Don’t trust.
Don’t be weak or vulnerable.
God’s New Script for Us
It is good that you exist.
You are loveable.
You are good enough.
You are a joy.
You have nothing left to prove.
Your needs are a delight.
You are allowed to make mistakes.
Applications: Going Back to Go
Forward
3. The Process of Going Back to Go
Forward Never Ends.
Applications: Going Back to Go
Forward
4. New Skills are Needed to Create
Healthy Church Community
Applications: Going Back to Go
Forward
5. Be Aware of Emotional Triggers and
Allergies
An emotional allergy is a reaction to something in the
present that reminds us of something similar to the
past.
• 5a Your Church and Denomination has a
Genogram
6. Differentiation and Personal Integrity
A. Working Definition:
Remaining connected to people and yet not
having your reaction or behavior
determined by them. My primary task, like
Jesus, is to calmly differentiate my “true
self” from the demands and voices around
me, discerning the desires, vision, pace,
and mission the Father has given me.
B. Differentiation Scale
0…….…25……...…50…….….75…..…..100
C. Four Qualities of Differentiation
• Clear sense of self in close proximity to
others
• Self-regulate anxiety and self-soothe
hurts
• Non-reactive to others’ anxieties
• Tolerate discomfort for growth
Applications of Differentiation
1. Good Leadership – Thinking Clearly,
Value Driven
2. Anxiety/Need for “Other Validation” =
No Leadership
Applications of Differentiation
1. Good Leadership – Thinking Clearly, Value
Driven
2. Anxiety/Need for “Other Validation” = No
Leadership
3. Differentiation at Home and at Church
are Closely Related
SESSION 3
CONTEMPLATIVE SPIRITUALITY:
SLOWING DOWN TO BE WITH GOD
Present Day Reality of Many in Our Churches:
• Living off others’ spirituality (no time)
• Life on the run
• Scattered, fragmented, un-centered,
overloaded, distracted
• Mostly head not heart experience of Jesus
• A one-inch-deep spirituality
• Not really praying very much
• Not very intentional in pursuing Jesus
• State of partial inattention
• Exhausted
• Marked by Frenzied Busyness
Activity
Contemplation
(Being w/ God)
Your Life
Contemplation
Activity
(Being w/ God)
Your Life
Protestant Churches
Martin Luther’s
Reformation
Begins
1517
New
Testament
Era
Seven Ecumenical Councils
ONE HOLY CATHOLIC AND APOSTOLIC CHURCH
33
Pentecost
Church of
England
1529
325
1st Ecumenical
Council and
the Nicene
Creed
Orthodox Church
1054
Great Schism
Of East and West
Adapted from
“Becoming Orthodox: A
Journey to the Ancient
Christian Faith,
Gillepsie
2. The Desert Fathers for Today
1. The Daily Office
(Fixed Hour Prayer)
OFFICES (opus) = work of God
-- My work in life first is to seek God.
Ps. 27:4
David
Seven times a day do I praise you. Ps. 119:164
It is good to praise the Lord…
To proclaim your love in the morning,
And your faithfulness at night. Ps. 92:2
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress
And he hears my voice. Ps. 55:17
Daniel
“Daniel went home to his upstairs room where
the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three
times a day he got down on his knees and
prayed, giving thanks to God, just as he had
done before.”
Dan. 6:10
2. Sabbath
= to stop for a 24-hour period each week
Ten Commandments (Ex.20)
1.
2.
3.
4.
You shall have no other gods before me
You shall not make for yourself an idol.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you
shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a
Sabbath to the Lord our God. On it you shall not do any
work,... For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the
earth, the sea and all that is in them, but he rested on the
seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day
and made it holy”
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not give false witness.
10. You shall not covet.
Receive the Gift of Sabbath
Sabbath – ( Hebrew: SHABAT)
• stop
• rest
• delight
• contemplate
for a 24-hour period each week.
4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath:
1. Stop
2. Rest
4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath:
Stopping
Resting from:
•
•
•
•
•
•
work
hurry
multitasking
anxiety/worry
catching up errands
“have to’s” and “shoulds”
4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath:
1. Stop
2. Rest
3. Delight
4 Qualities to Biblical Sabbath:
1. Stop
2. Rest
3. Delight
4. Contemplate
Small Groups
1. What questions am I holding?
2. Decide on a possible 24-hour period each week.
3. Reflect on the following questions:
a. What do I need to stop that relates to my
work—paid and unpaid?
b. What activities create rest and delight for me?
c. How can I structure a Sabbath to help me see
God’s goodness and miracles all around me?
FAQ’s
How do I go about deciding what specific activities are
acceptable and unacceptable on the Sabbath?
Isn’t Jesus our Sabbath-rest? Is this another worksrighteousness?
How do I cease from the work of parenting?
What do I about my children who aren’t interested in
Sabbath?
What about sports and extra-curricular activities your
children may be involved in?
What do I do about my tendency to perfectionism?
Developing Your Own Personal
Rule of Life
“RULE” of LIFE
from Greek word “TRELLIS”
a framework or structure to help enable us
continually to pay attention to God
RULE OF LIFE
RULE OF LIFE
PRAYER
e.g. Sabbath
Church
Retreats
Offices (Major and Minor Offices)
THE BLIZZARD…..
PRAYER
•
•
•
•
•
•
Scripture
Silence and Solitude
Daily Office
Study
REST
Sabbath
Simplicity
Play and Recreation
ACTIVITY
Service and Mission
Care for the Physical Body
•
•
•
RELATIONSHIPS
Emotional Health
Family
Community (companions for your journey)
•
•
•
Complete the following….
As a result of our time together, I am
beginning to realize….
D. Final Applications
1. Pastoral Staff Rule of Life
2. New Life Fellowship Rule of Life
3. Adjusting to Make Space for God,
Ourselves and Our Marriages
SESSION 4
EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY SKILLS
TO CREATE NEW CULTURE
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Components
CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SPIRITUALITY
FORMATION
(SLOW DOWN
TO BE WITH GOD)
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
LEADERSHIP
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SKILLS
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
MARRIAGES
(AND SEXUALITY)
Stop Mind Reading
1. Reflect on something you suspect the other
person thinks or feels but hasn’t told you,
2. Ask permission: “Do I have permission to
read your mind?”
3. “I think you think….” “Is this correct?”
4. Listener responds
5. Closure
Expectations for a Pastor
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
Preach great sermons every Sunday
Be a great administrator
Visit the sick and needy
Should know about every person’s hardship in church
Have a great marriage and children who love Jesus
Competent in handling money, pastoring, teaching, counseling,
administration, buildings, etc.
Be a visionary leader
Identifies, equips, and leads a growing staff in a growing church
Be perfect (e.g., strong but tender)
Live on less money than the rest of the church
Never get depressed or angry or struggle with doubts.
Be accessible a lot
Have spouse that is super-supportive
Return every phone call and e-mail
Attend members’ families’ important events (funerals, parties, etc.)
Problem
1. Unrealistic
2. Unconscious
3. Unspoken
4. Un “agreed upon”
Expectations Must Be:
1. Realistic
2. Conscious
3. Spoken
4. “Agreed upon”
Expectations are Only Valid When They Have Been
Mutually Agreed Upon
SESSION 5
EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY LEADERSHIP
Emotionally Healthy Leadership
A. Dual Relationships
B. Hiring/Firing
C. Strategic Planning and Waiting on God
D. Preaching/Teaching and Integrity
Emotionally Healthy Leadership
E. Leadership and the Marriage Vow
F. Social Media and Remaining Rooted in the
Ancient Church
G. The Gift of Limits
H. Growing Beyond our Tradition to Learn from
Others in the Family
Protestant Churches
Martin Luther’s
Reformation
Begins
1517
New
Testament
Era
Seven Ecumenical Councils
ONE HOLY CATHOLIC AND APOSTOLIC CHURCH
33
Pentecost
Church of
England
1529
325
1st Ecumenical
Council and
the Nicene
Creed
Orthodox Church
1054
Great Schism
Of East and West
Adapted from
“Becoming Orthodox: A
Journey to the Ancient
Christian Faith,
Gillepsie
The Critical Issue of Integrity
Critical Issues
Your Integrity
1. With God
2. With Yourself
3. With Your Marriage (if applicable)
The Critical Issue of Integrity
Critical Issues
Your Integrity
1. With God
2. With Yourself
3. With Your Marriage (if applicable)
4. With Your Leadership
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Components
CONTEMPLATIVE EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SPIRITUALITY
FORMATION
(SLOW DOWN
TO BE WITH GOD)
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
LEADERSHIP
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
SKILLS
EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY
MARRIAGES
(AND SEXUALITY)
Next Steps
1. Begin the Journey and Engage the Message
2. Process with Others in Small Group
(DVD and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Workbook)
3. Invite the Wider Church to Begin the Journey
(Church-Wide Initiative)
4. Visit the website - further resources:
www.emotionallyhealthy.org
Join the mailing list/blog
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Pastor/Leader Life Cycle
Begin the
Journey
Read EHC, EHS I Quit
Deeper
Integration of
EHS/ Rule of Life
into the Church
(Begin the Journey)
Church-wide
Initiative
Emotionally Healthy
Spirituality
Small Group w/
Leaders
Slower
Healthier Life/
New Skills
RULE OF LIFE
RULE OF LIFE
PRAYER
Sabbath
Church
Retreats
Offices (Major and Minor Offices)
MAJOR OFFICE