Memory Snapshot Essay
Self Assessment
YOU’LL NEED A HIGHLIGHTER AND A
RED PEN ALONG WITH YOUR ESSAY.
YOUR WORK ON THIS SELF ASSESSMENT
WILL BE PART OF YOUR ROUGH DRAFT
GRADE.
California State Content Standard: Writing 2.1 Write
biographical or autobiographical narratives or short stories:
Segerstrom ESLR: Reflective Communicators
The Revision Process
 What to work on at this point:
 The big picture issues.
 Does my story hold together, or do I need to change major
elements?
 Is my intro attention-grabbing?
 Does my conclusion tie it all together?
 Are my characters believable and realistic?
 What to work on later (during editing)
 Finding the exact best words (look for them here, but don’t get
hung up)
 Revising for sentence variety.
Check the Hook
 Highlight the hook (engaging opening).
 Does it compel the reader’s attention?
 Or does it start with any of the following worn
out phrases?
◦
◦
◦
Once upon a time ...
When I was ten I experienced …
Have you ever witnessed a crime?
 Make a note to return to this for revision.
Hook Improvements
Spice up your hook (engaging opening)
with:
 An anecdote
 A famous quote
 A startling fact
 A vivid description
 A generalization
Some Samples:
 My dog is a lot like me when he is sad. One time he even moped
around the house for days, just wandering through rooms
aimlessly. I felt like this when my grandmother died.
 Anecdote - A short story that illustrates a point with a transition into
your thesis
 A Swedish proverb says, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is
half the sorrow.” Experiencing the joy of my first boyfriend and the
sorrow of our breakup with my best friend, Sarah, by my side was a
great comfort.
 A famous quote - A famous quote with a transition into your thesis
Some Samples:
 In California, the current unemployment rate is 9.5%. That
may seem small, but when one’s mother and father are part of
that 9.5%, the statistic can become overwhelming.
 Startling Fact - A startling fact with transition into your thesis
Changing schools in the middle of the school year can be
unnerving, but it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself
and take on new challenges. Seeing the change in a positive way
was the key to my success when I transferred to Segerstrom
High School last year.
 Generalization - A generalization about the topic with a
transition into your thesis

Thesis:
Background Information and Hint at Significance
 In a Narrative Essay (yes, this is a narrative essay), the thesis should tell
the topic of the story (narrative) you are writing and the reason you are
writing the narrative or the overall message you are sending to your
reader.
 Examples:

Caring for my puppy the first month I had him showed me that I was not

Mourning my grandfather’s death with my family brought us closer
ready for that big of a responsibility.
together and gave us opportunities to care for each other in ways we never
experienced before that point.
 Put [brackets] around the engaging opening and background
information.
 Underline the hint about the significance of the experience.
Checking Your Scenes
 Everything that happens should be in a specific place
and time. Is the order of events clear?
 Number the events in chronological order.
 In the right margin, label the rising action, climax,
falling action, resolution, external conflict, internal
conflict.
 Are there any scenes that seem necessary logically
that are missing?

Make a note to add them.
 Check your pacing/emphasis. Did you spend too
much time describing a minor setting? Do you need
to add detail, gestures, description?
Add Dialogue
 When characters talk to each other, it’s always more
interesting to hear their words rather than a
summary.
 Look for places where characters interact, and add at
least 4 instances of dialogue.
 For example:

Pedro’s dad told him that his mother had died while giving
birth to him.
 Revised:
 “Your mother died for you,” Pedro’s dad spat out while staring
at the window.
Add Thoughtshots
 Use italicized font whenever you are revealing
your inner thoughts and feelings (interior
monologue) throughout your Memory Snapshot
Essay.
 Highlight sentences that contain thoughts or
feelings.
 Add at least 4 examples of thoughtshots.
 For example:
Coach Carter yelled, “Jose, either get your head in the
game or go home!”
“Yes, Coach,” I replied. What a jerk! Doesn’t he know
how hard I’m trying?
Add Gestures and Reactions to Create
a “You are There” Feeling in the Reader
 Gestures are a great way to SHOW rather






than TELL how characters are feeling:
Telling
Poor: Gustav was embarrassed at her
accusation.
Revised: Hearing her accusation, Gustav
Reaction
flushed pink.
Revised: Upon hearing her accusation,
Gustav buried his face in his hands.
Gesture
Revised:
“You stole my superhero tights. Didn’t you?”
Megawoman shouted.
“I, well, no, couldn’t have. You see…” Gustav
Dialogue
trailed off, staring at the ground.
Examine Your Conclusion
 Don’t begin with Finally, In conclusion, or Thus.
These are overused, and out-of-place in a
narrative.
 Your conclusion (paragraph) should:
 Revisit
your hook
 Transition to revisiting your thesis- this should show
how the revisited hook and restated thesis are related.
 Restate your thesis with more insight (explain the
meaning of the experience). What universal theme is
illustrated?
Checking for Transitions
 Transitions are words, phrases, or sentences that lead the
reader from one idea to another.
 For this essay, we will concentrate on transitions in time and
sequence.


Time transitional words:
 after, afterward, at last, before, currently, during, earlier,
immediately, later, meanwhile, now, recently, simultaneously,
subsequently, then
Sequence transitional words:
 first, second, third etc,. next, then, finally
 You must use at least 2 transitional words per body
paragraph.
 Box all of your transition words
Checking for Sentence Variety
 Draw two lines at the end of every
sentence. // Like this. //
 Are most of your sentences three to four
lines long? Or are they three to four words
long?
 Is there variety in your sentence
structures?
 If
not, put a note in the margins to “Break into
multiple sentences” or “Combine sentences.”
Image Grammar
 Your Memory Snapshot Essay should incorporate the use of at
least three examples of Image Grammar
 Painting with participles, painting with absolutes, painting with appositives,
painting with adjectives shifted out of order, painting with action verbs.
 Draw a wavy line under each example of Image
Grammar.
 Check to make sure commas are used to separate the
Image Grammar brushstrokes from the rest of the
sentence.
 Make sure you do not underline or italicize the
brushstrokes.
Checking for RIP Words
 Scan your essay for boring, dead words.
Circle these:
 Different,
really, very, get, amazing, incredible,
nice, big, little, small, said
 You will need to replace these words.
Suggestions:
 different:
can be replaced by unique, startling,
surprising, remarkable, curious
 big: enormous, immense, vast, bulky, massive
Checking Adverbs
 Adverbs are words that modify verbs,
adjectives, or other adverbs.
 Put a box around all adverbs. (Look for –ly
words: quickly, happily, sadly)
 Try to replace the adverbs with stronger
verbs and more powerful adjectives.
 Example:
 Boring:
I walked happily home.
 Better: I skipped home.
Check Sentence Openings
 Circle any sentence that begins with “There
is/are/were”
 Make a note in the margins to rephrase these.
Often these can simply be cut.
 Example:
◦
◦
Weak: There are several people that influenced me
during high school.
Better: Several people influenced me during high
school.
 Scan to see if you have a series of sentences that
begin with the same words,
◦
For example “He,” “She” or “I.”
Check for Contractions
 Cross out all contractions, for example:
 I’m
 there’s
 we’re
 he’d
 Spell out all of these words
 This helps establish an appropriate tone