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PREFACE AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Researching and writing this was burdensome to me at first. I agonized over doing it for
days . I put aside the feelings of panic and anxiety and chose to deal with this assignment as a
stepping stone from the very situation that I was in for many years. I struggled with this preface
and acknowledgement as well, until I received a single telephone call. As the pieces fell in place
and I began to type.
First, I thank God for giving me the courage to do this assignment and just as humbly ask
as always, for forgiveness for situations that went out of hand. At the end of the day let me
always recognize oh God, that you, and only you, have total control over my life which I have
willingly submitted to you, through your son Jesus Christ.
I would like to express my sincere thanks to Professor McDougal, (My Psychology
Mentor) for his patient, kind, and nurturing encouragement to take on this challenge as well as
all future challenges.
I now have a better understanding of the countless why’s I have asked myself for a very
long time and with this parcel of new knowledge the healing has begun, however regretful and
painful.
It is my desire that with the publication of this article, dozens of narcissists and more
importantly, current and future Victims of Narcissists may pause, be aware, and more
importantly, refuse to stop being Victims of these Sadists who pretend so cleverly, to love us.
Let us all first learn to love ourselves because ignorance is not always bliss.
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NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY TRAITS
INTRODUCTION
The dictionary defines the term “Narcissism” as the following:

Excessive Love or admiration of oneself

A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy and
unconscious deficits in self-esteem

Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one’s body or self,
especially a fixation on or a repression of an infantile stage of development

The attribution of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself within
abnormal limits
Most Narcissists are males - approximately 75%. The typical personality traits include
having a grandiose sense of self-importance, exaggeration of accomplishments and demands of
superiority sometimes without any real evidence of achievement.
He lives in a dream world of excessive success, power, beauty, genius or “perfect’ love.
He thinks of himself as “special” or privileged and that he can only be understood by other
special or high-status people. He demands excessive amounts of praise and admiration from
others and feels entitled to automatic deference, compliance or favourable treatment from others.
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WHEN DOES NARCISSISM DEVELOP
When we are struggling with the grandiose, self-entitled narcissists in our lives both
personal and professional; we ask ourselves, “How did this person develop into such a selfabsorbed, un-empathic, deceitful individual?” The answer is not in the stars or genetics. The
personality of the narcissist develops very early in childhood as a result of his interactions with
mother, father or both parents. In many instances the future narcissist is chosen for special
talents, intellectual brilliance, physical attractiveness or a combination of gifts to become the
favored child.
FREUD’S THEORY OF THE BEGINNING OF NARCISSISM
Sigmund Freud, (1905), defined primary narcissism as an “auto erotic stage of self-love
that babies go through in their first year of life “. During this stage they are focused on
themselves and their own needs.
Secondary Narcissism follows this period where the child is not yet able to determine
that the primary caregiver, (usually the mother who ministers to their needs), is in fact separate to
themselves. For example when a child cries, the mother appears to provide soothing comfort.
When the child is hungry, mother feeds child. The child begins to see the mother as an extension
of him; hence she is in fact looking after/ loving him. As such, the child thinks he is omnipotent
and has an inflated perception of parent. It is a magical time.
As the child grows from infancy into toddlerhood to preschool, he is taught to relinquish
his primary dependency when he is ready, through the guidance of his primary caregiver in order
to develop an independent self. Most children are born with senses, namely sight, touch, smell,
hearing and taste which provide us with sensation and perception such as pain, comfort,
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coldness, warmth etc. We all have basic needs for example, searching for food when hungry or
crying when we are in distress. We also have a “genetic endowment” which is known as our
temperament, but we are not born with a “self”. The concept of self is the knowledge that we are
distinct from others and able to determine and manage our feelings and which is developed over
time.
In normal development, a child is loved and nurtured as a unique individual. In the
beginning he is psychologically fused with the mother. In this union his physical and emotional
needs are taken care of with loving consistency. As the child matures, he begins to differentiate
himself from the mother figure and begins to become independent. With the guidance and love
of parents the child learns that he is cherished for himself. At the same time parents teach their
child through example and directly, that he is not the centre of the universe. Similarly, at a very
young age, children learn to be empathic to the concerns and feelings of others. The emotionally
healthy child is spontaneous and joyful. Slowly he learns to separate from his mother and father,
becoming an individual capable of both giving and receiving love.
According to Freud, adult narcissism is a result of the child not moving from self love to
object love or love for separate persons. Not all psychologists agree with Freud’s theory. Lowen
(1951), states, “I don’t believe in the concept of primary narcissism. Instead I view narcissism as
secondary stemming from some disturbance in the child-parent relationship “. Newer research
shows that babies distinguish between themselves and parents as being different at an early stage
and that they are able to perceive that a parent/caregiver will have different needs, impediments,
interests and expectations of their own. This will lead to frustration of the child when his needs
and wants are not met.
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This marks the beginning or budding of the child narcissist who now begins to develop a
grandiose false self, believing that he is perfect, superior and more entitled. The narcissist child
begins to lead his life manipulating others convincing them of his superiority and greatness. The
narcissist, as he is growing and developing from childhood to adolescence and young adulthood
uses his grandiose false self to fuel his no limits attitude and behaviors. Everyone is at his
disposal and must bend to his will. He learns very early how to manipulate and exploit others to
fulfill his wishes and desires. Narcissists have grand visions since they don’t care about the
feelings of others and have very little conscience; they are unrestricted in the pursuit of the goals.
NARCISSIST TYPES
Narcissism is a broad spectrum of behaviors. On a scale of 1 - 10, Healthy Narcissism is a
one, and Pathological Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD) is a 10.
Healthy Narcissism is something we all can use. It's having a healthy self-esteem. It's what
makes us pick ourselves up after experiencing failure and going on towards the next goal. It is
what gives us the ability to help each other, and to love someone - as we already know how to
love ourselves.
Pathological Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an ironic twist of this healthy
state. Outwardly, it appears that these people love themselves too much - to the exclusion of
anyone else. It is as if they are God himself and those around them must recognize their
omnipotence, supreme knowledge, and absolute entitlement and power. Rules don't apply to
them. They have an unrealistic and overblown sense of self, often without the credentials to
match, as well as fantasies of unlimited power, success, and/or brilliance. They are
interpersonally exploitive and have absolutely no understanding of empathy or compassion.
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They are neither kind nor benevolent gods. And those who live with them end up paying the
price.
We are all way too familiar with Overt Narcissists: those abusive husbands who send
thousands of battered women to the emergency room each year. They feel it is their God-given
right to beat, abuse, and otherwise treat their partner in whatever method they deem necessary
and no one can tell them otherwise.
Then there is the Verbally Abusive and Controlling Narcissist - the one who uses
emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He tells his victim who she can see, what time she
needs to be home, and when she can go to bed. Or in the case of Jamie, whose husband makes
her recite every day, "I'm only worth 29 cents - the price of a bullet," he erodes her self-worth to
nothing to keep her under his control.
While there is a range of narcissistic behaviors lying between level 1 and 10 on this scale,
one doesn't need to have full-blown NPD to do incredible damage to those in the inner circle.
While victims of Narcissists are generally codependents, most have no idea how they got in this
situation, because in the early stages of the relationship the Narcissistic person can be the most
charming, Academy Award winning actor or actress of the century.
THE NARCISSIST ADULT
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There is an old saying in the world of psychology, “The devil does not look ugly or
frightening. If he did people would not find him attractive. Therefore the devil must be a
handsome man “. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck………………Very few narcissistic
individuals have been diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Narcissists
do not seek help so very few haven’t been assessed clinically. On the other hand members of
their families have sought help to cope with them.
Narcissists are extremely resistant to change and tend to get worse the older they get.
Most narcissists are physically aggressive or are sadistic. The adult narcissist is verbally,
mentally, emotionally and in most cases sexually abusive. Although nearly everyone has
narcissists traits, it is possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited without being a narcissistic.
Essentially saying to a narcissist, “have a heart”, doesn’t work. In fact it usually makes things
worse.
It is important to emphasize the importance of a narcissistic’s lack of empathy. It
colours everything about them. Some psychologists believe that their neurological problems
affect their cognitive functioning. Most narcissists are educated professionals with high IQ’s
with ordinary middle class backgrounds and schooling. But their thought process is not only
illogical but wired. You have to know a narcissistic very well to understand their behavior. For
instance, they always fill their gaps, which make up visible life with bits of behaviors, tastes,
opinions etc.
Narcissism is not caused in adulthood. There is nothing one adult can do to another that
will cause narcissism. The adult psyche is far too established and functional to be destroyed in
the way one with narcissism has his psyche destroyed. Case in point, the study of the Jewish
people the concentration camps. The true cause of narcissism is not fully understood but it
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agreed upon that it does start in early childhood usually before the age of five. Adult narcissists
usually come from homes where one or both parents have severely neglected, ignored or abused
the child.
THE NARCISSISTIC AND HIS SPOUSE
Self-flagellation or the act of self-punishment is characteristic of those whose spouse is a
narcissist. Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination and thus self-punishment
typify the relationship between the narcissist and his dependent mate or partner. The narcissist
deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt. The narcissist transforms life with him into a
constant trial. A failure by a spouse indicates guilt and the narcissist frequently labels someone
else’s efforts as failures. He strives to shift the responsibility for his failures to his spouse/victim
to maximize the opportunity to chastise and castigate her. The narcissist’s sense of superiority
legitimizes his sadistic attacks on his victims. Many victims, when they recognize their
situations abandon and dismantle the relationship. Regrettably others choose to believe in the
healing power of love or some other nonsense. It is nonsense because love has no therapeutic
power. It is by far the most powerful weapon in the healing arsenals. It is nonsense because it is
wasted on a human shell.
The narcissist is truly incapable of loving. His emotional apparatus is ruined by years of
deprivation, abuse, misuse and disuse. The narcissist is a mental tormentor. The narcissist’s
partner feels guilty or responsible and may seek to change what time and circumstances created.
She unconsciously strives to please, appease, to be or not, to be, to barely survive in pain and
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fear. She longs to release herself from the chains of guilt and fear and from the throes of this
depilating relationship.
He relishes in criticizing his spouse, berating her, obsessing over her, in essence
suffocating her. He verbally, emotionally abuses her. He degrades her by having her perform
sexual acts which she considers abhorring. Narcissists ‘love’ their spouses or significant others
as long as they continue to provide them with attention. Inevitably they regard others as mere
sources or functions, lacking empathy and emotional maturity. The narcissist’s love for his
spouse is pathological but the precise locus of the pathology depends on the narcissist’s stability
or instability.
CODEPENDENCY OF SPOUSE TO NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND
As reported by the American Psychological Society in 2009, an influx of middle aged
women began to appear in various out- patient facilities with no particular physical disease
process, yet a variety of physical and/or emotional complaints, including, weight loss or gain,
phobias, insomnia, depression, anxiety, broken bones, lacerations, and bruises. Some reported
overwhelming feelings of emptiness or doom. Others often talked about suicidal thoughts if not
actual suicidal attempts.
These patients were frequently nervous, with guilt-ridden anxious demeanors. Some
appeared restless, worried, and/or demonstrated fake laughter that seemed to hide something
else. In extreme cases they described sudden outbursts of rage with accompanying violence.
They may have even been the victims of domestic violence by their spouses.
Who were these patients and how did they get this way? While there may be many
situations with similar symptoms, it is important to recognize these women may have been
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"Victims of Narcissists" While narcissism itself has been a diagnosis in the DSM - IV
Psychiatry's Complete Reference, little to nothing has been written as medical literature with
regards to those who live with the narcissist - and the torturous lives they live.
THE NARCISSISTIC FEMALE
In the manifestation of their narcissism, the small percentage of female versus male
narcissists, tend to differ. They emphasize different things. They transform different elements of
their personalities and of their lives into the cornerstones of their disorder. They both conform to
cultural stereotypes, gender roles, and social expectations.
Women, for instance, concentrate on their bodies an may frequently have eating disorders:
for example, Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. They flaunt and exploit their physical
charms, their sexuality, and their socially and culturally determined "femininity". In its extreme
form this is known as HPD or the Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Many female narcissists secure their Narcissistic Supply (tools that fuel their narcissist
ways) through their more traditional gender roles: the home, children, suitable careers, their
husbands ("the wife of..."), their feminine traits, their role in society, etc. It is no wonder than
narcissists - both men and women - are chauvinists. They depend to a great extent on the
opinions of people around them. Narcissists cannot afford to seriously alienate those who believe
that they are who they unconsciously pretend to be or their public persona. They feed off this.
The very proper and on-going functioning of their Ego depends on the goodwill and the
collaboration of their human environment.
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While Narcissistic men are likely to emphasize intellect, power, aggression, money, or
social status, women are likely to emphasize body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine "traits",
homemaking, children and childrearing - even as they seek their masochistic punishment.
Another difference is in the way they react to treatment. Women are more likely to resort to
therapy because they are more likely to admit to their psychological problems. But while men
may be less inclined to disclose or to expose their problems to others (the macho-man factor) - it
does not necessarily imply that they are less prone to admit it to themselves. Women are also
more likely to ask for help than men. Yet, the prime rule of narcissism must never be forgotten:
the narcissist uses anything available to obtain his (or her) Narcissistic Supply. Children happen
to be more around the female narcissist because women are still the primary caregivers and the
ones who give birth. It is easier for a woman to think of her children as extensions of herself
because they once indeed were her physical extensions and because her on-going interaction
with them is both more intensive and more extensive.
This means that some male narcissists are more likely to regard their children as
nuisances, than as a source of rewarding Narcissist Supply - especially as children grow older
and become autonomous. Devoid of the diversity of alternatives available to men - the
narcissistic woman fights to maintain her most reliable source of supply: her children. Through
insidious indoctrination, guilt formation, emotional extortion, deprivation and other
psychological mechanisms, she tries to induce in them dependence, which cannot be easily
unraveled.
But, there is no psychodynamic difference between children as sources of narcissistic
supply and money, intellect, or any other Source of Narcissistic Supply. So, there is no
psychodynamic difference between male and female narcissists. The only difference is in their
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choices of sources of narcissistic supply. Some famous female narcissists include Imelda ‘steel
butterfly” Marcos, wife of Philippines Dictator, Ferdinand Marcos, Eva Perone, one time First
Lady of Argentina and Pamela Churchill Harriman, daughter-in-law of Winston Churchill. The
common traits of these and other female narcissists include abuse of power and using their
physical attributes for their personal gain and attention with strong emphasis of social
acceptance.
There are mental disorders, which afflict a specific sex more often. This has to do with
hormonal or other physiological dispositions, with social and cultural conditioning through the
socialization process, and with role assignment through the gender differentiation process. None
of these seem to be strongly correlated to the formation of malignant narcissism.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as compared tothe Borderline or the Histrionic
Personality Disorders, which afflict women more than men) seems to conform to masculine
social roles and to the prevailing cultures of capitalism. Ambition, achievements, hierarchy,
ruthlessness, drive are both social values and narcissistic male traits.
CASE STUDY – THE COURTSHIP OF A NARCISISTIC ADULT MALE
The early days of the dating are fast, furious, and vastly romantic. Oftentimes marriage
proposals come within a few weeks. The "victim" sees the narcissist as the "Perfect Partner".
She's never met someone so wonderful in her lifetime and falls head-over-heels in love. The two
go on to live happily ever after - or so she thinks - until the "real" partner surfaces. The once
wonderful Dr. Jekyll turns into the dangerous Mr. Hyde who quickly instills fear, anxiety,
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uncertainty, and total confusion to the relationship. The change can be quick and powerful or
slow and insidious. She begins to believe herself to be unworthy and agonizes and silently
believes what her spouse has instilled in her.
Who else could possible want such a worthless
woman as she? With that belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many
brief attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day after day is
emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly.
Yet almost worse is the "Stealth Narcissist," so sinister and silent in his ability to drive his
partner crazy that she doesn't suspect anything bad is happening until it's too late. He is the
master of the little digs - "Honey, why on earth would you cook eggs in butter? NO ONE does it
that way. What's wrong with you?" Or, "If you'd only do what I say then we'd both be happy."
He issues the "silent treatment" when he is slighted, punishing his family by ignoring them
for hours, leaving them wondering what they did "wrong" to make him act this way. He may
"forget" birthday or Christmas presents, year after year. He may show up hours late and his
partner is just supposed to understand, with no explanation even offered. He may have another
woman on the side and feel quite entitled to do so.
Yet, to those outside his inner kingdom he looks like a saint. He probably is president of
the Rotary, volunteers at a food bank, and contributes regularly to charity - all to attain the image
of being the admired Superman of his community.
No matter which type of narcissist he is, the end result is the same - a slow, insidious,
breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until there's next to nothing left, at which point,
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the narcissist will frequently throw his partner out in order to look for someone new and full of
life to make his next target. Leaving his victim an emotional wreck wondering what she did to
destroy their once "perfect" relationship.
The Narcissist himself rarely changes. After all, if you believe you're God-like, you must be
perfect. Why should you change your behavior for anyone else? Yet the biggest secret is that
deep inside, he loathes himself, and is desperate that no one find out who the "real" person is
inside his tough, outer shell.
Victims are not only spouses. They can be coworkers, employees, children, or friends of
narcissists. When the narcissist is the victim's mother, it's a difficult spot to be in, as most
children (even grown children) find it almost impossible to leave the relationship. And the abuse
continues for years.
However, when the narcissist is your boss, coworker, or friend, it may be wise for the
victim to seek a new situation elsewhere to best avoid an emotional roller coaster ride that could
lead to extreme health issues down the road.
People with narcissist tendencies have errors in thinking which prevents them from seeing
things as they really are from both sides of the picture. Not wanting to feel bad inside they build
defenses such as denial, repression and a strong need to always be right. When the person has
severe traits, they can increase in self-esteem similarly, when they get what they want feel no
remorse or justify using others. Most get a feeling of superiority when they get their way or
make others feel bad. The core of this, is underlying bullying.
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When hurting others becomes a hook into feeling self satisfaction, the narcissism takes a
nasty turn. There is a cost to this false sense of self-esteem. People who bully and abuse others
end up being lonely because others do not want to be around them. People with narcissistic
behavior cannot handle criticism in any way and feel that they are being made to look and feel
that they are wrong.
They are super sensitive to criticism and either attack the other person or leave the scene.
Thus blaming the person who gives criticism helps the narcissist defenses, as he avoids feeling
guilt, shame and depression, but it also keeps them from taking responsibility of learning from
their mistakes and ultimately growing up. They pout, give the silent treatment or hold grudges.
The combination of these defenses that distort reality often set them up for failure in
relationships.
When the narcissistic traits are too severe and causes havoc in the lives of others, there is
disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder happens. This is when a person’s outlook becomes so
distorted to the extent that they do not see reality as it is and cannot see the true emotional needs
of others. These people are takers of the world leaving pain and destruction in their wake.
Without empathy for people, narcissists irrationally justify and rationalize their hurtful and
unlawful behaviours. Many sex offenders are narcissists. Some famous males narcissists
include Adolph Hitler, Jim Jones, David Koresh, Charles Manson, Stallin and Sadam Hussain,
just to name a few. All of these men had a tremendous influence over their fanciers. They
created a personality cult around themselves and with their blazing speeches elevated their
admirers, filled their hearts with enthusiasm, instilled in their minds a new zest for life. They
gave them hope! They promised them the moon, but alas invariably brought them to their doom.
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CHARACTERISTICS OF THE NARCISSIST PARENT
The motto of a narcissistic parent is do as I say and not as I do. The following are
characteristics of a narcissistic parent:

Turns every conversation to himself

Expects you to meet his emotional needs

Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you

Constantly berates or criticizes you and knows what is best for you

Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior

Expects you to jump at his every need

Is highly involved in his hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring yours

Has a high need for attention

Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant and boisterous

Is close-minded about own mistakes. Cannot handle criticism and gets angry to
shut it off

Becomes angry when his needs are not met. Has tantrums or intimidates

Has the attitude “anything you can do I can do better”

Acts in a seductive manner and is overly charming

Expects you to always admire him
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
Isn’t satisfied unless he has the biggest or the best

Seeks status; spends money to impress others

Forgets what you have done yet keeps reminding you that you owe him

Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants

Does not obey the law. Sees himself above the law

Does not expect to be penalized for failure

Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express your
feelings

Tells you how you should feel or not feel

Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions

Is more interested in his concerns and interests than yours

Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own

Wants to control what you do and tries to micromanage you

Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your
own

Has poor insight and cannot see the impact his selfish behavior has on you

Has shallow emotions and interests

Exploits others with lies and manipulation
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
Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
HELP FOR VICTIMS
How can one help those with Narcissism Victim Syndrome? First, by asking questions to
determine what is going on in their environment. Health care professionals already know the
effect that stress has on so many of us, but the added stress of living with a narcissist is rarely
understood or recognized by the victims themselves. Knowledge is power and by asking the right
questions about their situation, one might be able to help them begin to better recognize their
problem and seek help.
They need help in recognizing that they need to quit being victims, quit blaming themselves
for all that's wrong in their relationships, gain knowledge of this disorder, and regain their
personal power. Help in seeking counseling from a therapist knowledgeable about narcissism, in
order to rebuild their shattered self-esteem and stop looking and acting like a caged animal.
They need help in finding hope, before years of stifling their anger due to this abusive
treatment, leads them to venting in unhealthy ways, sometimes leading to domestic violence and
police intervention. Help them to stop looking like the sick one in the relationship and to start
down the road of being a survivor and no longer a victim. Help them escape symptoms of
depression that may, in some cases, lead to suicide.
Counselors have to teach victims all about the "Narcissism Victim Syndrome". One may
just light a glimmer of hope for someone who's just barely hanging on for dear life.
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CONCLUSION
Society today rewards narcissists handsomely. If they are high level narcissists with
charm, and magnetism, intellect and drive they often move up to the heady circles of power in
business, politics, entertainment and other professions. Beneath all the success and material
trappings, the narcissist harbours feelings of emptiness. He must continually seek narcissistic
supplies – adulation, praise, a charmed circle of admirers to fill the void. This psychological
hole in him cannot be healed except with professional help. The narcissist is incapable of
empathy or intimacy. Surrounded by adoring followers he is always psychologically alone.
Despite his success in the world and the appearance of independence, the narcissist remains
psychologically fused with the mother or main character frozen in early childhood.
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Bibliography
Richard M. Gross, The Study of Psychology
Sigmund Freud, Theories of Development of Personalities
Dr. Sam Vaknin, PH.D, World Authority on Narcissism
www.survivorsofnarcissism.com
,
Sunday 14th February, 2010
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