Life Coach Handbook
Contents:
Section 1:: ReGenesis Rising foundational principles
Section 2:: Expectations and roles as a ReGenesis life
coach
-Volunteer Policies
-Setting boundaries and limits
Section 3:: Things you need to understand about abuse &
foster care
As a Life Coach (Or Mentor –used here interchangeably)
ReGenesis Rising you are helping leave an indelible imprint of
unconditional love on the lives of the Locals (our term for residents
in the ministry. The word means someone deeply rooted in
community and that is our hope for each one.) You are contributing
to the healing and empowerment these youth experience through
this ministry. We are eternally grateful to you for playing a
significant part in their healing and growth.
Foundational principles
Scriptural
God’s heart is with the orphan
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.
-Ps. 27:10
He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the
foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing.
-Deuteronomy 10:18
Followers of God are to act on behalf of the orphan
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look
after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from
being polluted by the world.
-James 1:27
Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless.
-Exodus 22:22
Relational
We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only
the gospel of God but our lives as well -1 Thess. 2:8
In our world of virtual existence physical presence is as rare as it is
valuable. It simply cannot be substituted with anything. As a Life Coach
your consistent, persevering, long-term, and prayerful involvement in the
life of a young person can make all the difference in their life. They need
to know someone believes in them. They need to receive the blessing of a
Godly man or woman saying, “You can succeed. Go for it! And if you fail,
I’ll be here with you.”
It’s likely they will test your sincerity and even try to push you away to
test whether or not you mean what you say. In many ways this is a
defense mechanism developed over a lifetime of moving from foster
family to foster family and not wanting to set themselves up for another
disappointing broken relationship. Don’t give up.
We as the ReGenesis leadership want to safeguard against this in every
way possible. If you cannot make at least a 3 year commitment to a
Local, then we can find another place for you to plug in and serve.
Josh McDowell is quoted as saying, "Truth without relationship leads to
rejection…rules without relationship leads to rebellion." A Life Coach
helps provide the relational connection that helps the Locals make sense
out of life and the structure of the Regenesis program.
Spiritually speaking, these youth might be distant from God because
adults or authority figures in their life hurt them. Your presence in their
life can actually help undo that trauma and allow them to be open to the
idea of a loving God. “Does God love me? I don’t know, but I know my
mentor loves me so maybe it’s possible…”
“Effective ministry is not determined by church programs, it is determined
by presence. Being with kids is how ministry occurs. We can never plan
when significant events occur, we can only plan to be with them, so when
significant events occur, we’re there.”
-Jim Burns
The work of ReGeneis Rising is an extension of God’s love and care for
youth raised in foster care. Therefore love, sometimes tough love, and
relationship are key elements to all requirements and interactions. Love
expresses itself by wanting the best for someone and drawing out the
best from within someone. Our premise is to come alongside the Locals
and help them with what they need to successfully live self-sufficient
lives.
You cannot give away what you do not already
posses.
Nurturing a healthy spiritual walk in your own life provides the
foundation for all the time you spend with your mentee. Focusing on the
life of Christ, the cross, the grace and truth balance seen in scripture, will
serve you well. What’s more is staying focused on Christ reminds us we
are not the ones who can bring about change and growth in the lives of
the youth we spend time with. That job is God’s. Our place is to be
present, consistent, and offer guidance when necessary.
Pray. Then pray more! Beg God to intervene on behalf of the youth you
are working with. Beg Him to bring healing and redemption to the dark
places of their lives. Ask God to deepen relational bonds between you
and your mentee. Listen. Listen to the Holy Spirit speak to you about
your youth. He knows every small detail about their life, and is intimately
concerned with their well-being. Quietly listening for the Spirit’s
prompting can give you insight into how to spend with them.
Expectations and role as a ReGenesis life coach
Regarding Your Assigned Youth…
You are responsible for building a positive personal relationship.
Have realistic goals and expectations*
Have fun together
Give the local voice and choice in deciding on activities. Value their
opinion –after all you are there for them, not the other way around.
Be positive
Allow your youth as much control over what the two of you talk about &
how you talk about it.
Listen more than you talk.
Respect the trust your youth places in you.
*Do not sell the Local short. He or she is likely highly intelligent. On the
other hand there are basic life skills they may not have learned such as
the confidence needed to follow through with responsibilities.
Understand this is common among youth raised in foster care. Be patient
and gracious.
Mentoring requires strength in two different but complementary
behaviors. First, a life coach must lead by guiding interaction with his/her
Local. A life coach invests himself/herself in his/her Local and uplifts
them. Secondly, a life coach must support the Local. Coaching pushes the
local to become his/her best by encouraging development in areas of
expressed need.
A Life Coach:
• Is a loyal friend, confidant, self-esteem booster, and advisor
• Empowers the Local to think and act for them self rather than doing
everything for them.
• Is a teacher, guide, advocate, career counselor, and role model. (With
very few exceptions, if you do something, in the mind of a Local, it then
becomes acceptable for them to do as well)
• Is there to help the Local find life direction.
• Offers encouragement. Notices the victories in the life of the Local and
praises them.
• Points out areas that need improvement in a positive way.
• Uses his/her personal experience to help the Local avoid mistakes and
learn from good decisions.
• Is real about their own success and failures.
• Fosters success in others.
• Is willing to give what he/she knows with no expectation of
reciprocation or remuneration.
As a ReGenesis life coach (mentor) you are the primary relational contact
with the local.
While it is the Local’s responsibility to make and keep appointments with
their budget coach, counselor, house coach etc. it is important that the
Life Coach check with their Local and make sure those obligations are
being met.
It is also critical that the Life Coach understand what is going on in the
many aspects of the Local’s life. For example, with their education: DO
they need help with registering for classes, help with financial aid, would
a tutor be helpful? How are their study habits?
The Life Coach is the accountability for the Local meeting with their
budget coach, volunteer hours, House Coach Inviting to Alpha or Church,
Bible study, working through their life plan etc.
The Life Coach is responsible for writing a brief monthly
synopsis on the Local’s progress, prayer needs and
struggles.
Volunteer Policies
1. Physical contact:
a. Appropriate physical contact is valuable.
i. Hand shake, pat on the back
ii. Physical touch between opposite sexes (i.e. male leader
and female local): should be limited to a side hug.
Never be alone with a local of the opposite sex.
iii. Never assume physical contact is OK, always ask first.
iv. Never physically discipline or use force with the Local.
2. Commitment
a. If you say you’ll show up at a certain time, you must be
there. If you have any kind of conflict, call. They are
counting on you. Many youth have a history of people in their
lives who have let them down. We want to heal that wound.
Don’t be a no show.
3. Confidentiality
a. All information you learn or are told by or about your youth
is confidential.
b. Sharing that information is a violation of your volunteerism
with ReGenesis.
i. However, if a youth tells you something life
threatening, you must report it immediately to
ReGenesis leadership. (Examples: abuse, general
safety)
ii. The youth may ask you to swear or promise not to tell
anyone something. Just tell them you will keep their
confidence unless they share something that would
require you to seek help for. I.e. talk of suicide.
4. Giving gifts
i.
It is the policy of ReGenesis to encourage fair and
equal treatment to all youth involved in the ministry.
ii. Please do not feel obligated to give money if asked.
Let ReGenesis leadership know if there is an immediate
need for food or other financial burden (i.e.: books for
school, clothes for job interview)
iii. Special Occasions: Holidays, birthdays, etc. are fine at
your own discretion. When in doubt, please contact
the ReGenesis leadership to discuss the situation.
5. Have fun.
a. Give some thought to your time together. Doing an activity
or learning a new skill together will go a long way to develop
your relationship and help you earn credibility as a ‘real’
person with strengths and weaknesses. Balance times of
working through the life plan with times of fun activity.
Setting Boundaries and Limits
As a VOLUNTEER it is important that you:
1. Learn to say "no."
a. It is not necessary to give your youth everything he/she asks for
–in fact it can often do more harm than good. While everyone
likes to feel needed, you don’t want to foster unhealthy
dependence or set patterns you can’t keep up.
2. Exercise leadership without giving in and without fighting.
3. Respect a youth's boundaries.
a.
Sometimes we "over help" and by doing this we deny
empowerment for the youth, launching or continuing them in a
pattern of dependency and powerlessness.
4. Develop a list of your own boundaries
a. Ask yourself what you are comfortable with. For example is it okay
for your youth to call you at home, at work? What hours are
acceptable to you?
Communicate these boundaries to your Local. That way there are no
surprises and expectation are communicated upfront.
5. Understand that as a volunteer you will be tested.
a. Understand that your youth may take a long time to warm up to
you. In fact they may be hostile or cold to you. This, again, is a
type of defense mechanism. They may try to push you away to see
if you really mean what you say about how much you care for them.
Don’t let this shake your resolve to be present in their life. And,
don’t take it personally. It’s not you.
If your youth breaks a major rule (for example: throwing dice at you while
playing a game) it is important that you address the issue and not ignore
it. Tell them how it made you feel and that this type of disrespectful
behavior is unacceptable.
Local check in:
You don’t need to hit every one of these areas every time you meet
together, but please refer to this list often to keep these areas on your
radar.
Make this your prayer list.
Additionally, you will want to add things that are specific to the local you
are mentoring. Ie: Last time we met, he mentioned he had a fight with his
girlfriend…
Please make it a habit to journal these things as doing so will remind you
how to pray specifically as well as track the answers to those prayers.
Sharing these journal entries with the Local can help them see how God is
at work in their life in real ways and that you are thinking of them and
engaging in their life even when you are not with them.
It is important for you to have a sense of how they are doing in
the following areas:
• Life plan
o Review this often to chart progress, stay on task and know when
gracious nudges are needed. Acknowledge even small victories.
• Health
o Food
o Medical/dental/vision
o Exercise
o Hygiene
o Mental/emotional health: would it be helpful to refer them to a
professional counselor?
• Relationships
o Parents or guardians
o Boy/girlfriend
o Roommate
o Friendships / good & bad influences in their life
• School
o Classes –victories/struggles
o Do they like their teachers?
o Need help/tutor?
o Planning for future: registration, transfer?
o Financial aid
• Job
o Getting along with boss?
o Relationships with co-workers
o Schedule
• Budget
o Are they meeting with budget coach?
o Any financial struggles?
• House skills
o Anything they need help with? Is everything in the apartment
working?
o Laundry
o Cooking
o Cleanliness –do they need a reminder that there are surprise
visits to check cleanliness?
• Volunteer hours
o Do you have a plan? Have you made arrangements?
• Spiritual growth
o What’s their interest in spiritual matters?
o Questions about God, life, etc.
o Invitation to church, Bible study, Alpha
o Ask how they would like you to pray for them
Asking the right questions
A key consideration in your time with your mentee is that your goal is to
come along side of them and help them think through what their options
are and what the consequences of those options may be as their
decisions play out. Help them think past how they feel in the present
(temporary) to future consequences (long term).
Use of the right questions will guide the local to making decisions rather
than being told what to do. Walking with them through a logical decision
making process can prove very helpful.
For example, if they ask you what you think they should do…
Before answering, ask them things like:
What are your options?
What do you think the outcomes of each of those options will be if
they play out? Do you want to live with that outcome?
What do you think you should do? -Or- What do you need to do to
have the outcome you ultimately want?
By doing this you will be encouraging critical thinking skills,
logic, reasoning, and perhaps most importantly, you’ll be
empowering them to make a decision for themselves.
Additionally, It is common for former foster youth to display selfsabotaging behavior. This is likely a learned defense mechanism that
keeps them from failure by keeping them from trying or caring–be it at a
job or in a relationship.
What to do when there is lack of motivation
When lack of motivation is slowing them down, remember that they
probably didn’t experience normal behavioral models and encouragement
growing up. For a Life Coach, this can mean instead of assigning a task
such as calling to schedule a job interview, it will likely be more effective
if you, the Life Coach, prep them for the call, walk through what the
conversation will be like, and actually be with them while they call. Then
you can debrief with them and encourage the things they did well and/or
offer suggestions of things they could do differently next time.
Familiarize yourself with the document “So what does it mean to have
been abused” and prayerfully ask God to help you understand the
psychological make up of the person you are mentoring.
Know when to refer -don't get in over your head. There are plenty of
people we can consult with and counseling we can access to deal with the
deeper issues going on. Don't hesitate to ask Jeff for help in accessing
these resources.
Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know”
Listening to Youth
Adapted from Olive Crest Community involvement training manual
I Hear You
People tend to think of listening as something passive, or they tend not
to think about it at all. But listening is actually a skill - a valuable skill
that can be practiced and learned.
"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same
time."
-M. Scott Peck
When you talk with the Locals, try to remember to:
• Clear your mind of unnecessary distractions, so you can give them your
undivided attention.
• Make eye contact
• Be aware of your body language. Show that you are actively listening
• Pay attention to your youth's facial expressions, gestures, and body
language. Are they engaged, avoidant etc.?
• Read between the lines for your youth's feelings. Learn to say, "How did
that make you feel?"
• Ask open-ended questions. Do not ask, "How was school today?"
Instead ask, "What did you do in school today?" Then, as appropriate, ask
non-threatening follow-up questions like “What else can you tell me
about that to help me understand?”
• Paraphrase - restate in your own words - what you think your youth
has said. When paraphrasing is accurate, your youth will feel understood.
If it is off the mark, it invites them to clarify and also reminds you to
listen more closely.
• Ask questions when you don't understand.
• Put yourself in your youth's "shoes" and try to understand the world
from his/her perspective.
• Put aside preconceived ideas, and refrain from passing judgment.
• Give your youth the same respect that you desire for yourself when you
are talking to someone.
Recommended reading
Fatherless Generation –John Sowers
When Helping Hurts –Brian Fikkert, Steve Corbett and John Perkins
Changes That Heal –Henry Cloud
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ABUSED
Adapted from “A brief summary of psychological understanding of
abuse”
by Dr. Jerre White PSY.D.
A. Four kinds of abuse
1. Physical abuse
a. What is it?
Physical injury inflicted by other than accidental means.
b. What are the results?
Examples: Harsh discipline, demanding activity, which is
inappropriate to child's age, hitting child, burning child with
cigarette or holding hands or feet in boiling water, spanking
with coat hanger.
Multiple and repetitive physical damage.
External: scaring, shame of body, and loss of mobility. Internal: brain
damage, loss of organ functioning. Psychological damage: Those who
were supposed to protect them were the ones who hurt them therefore
they don’t want to trust because that involves risk/
c. How does the child respond?
Child responds in several seemingly contradictory ways.
1. Withdraw from and be fearful of others, wary of any kind of
physical contact (touch). Feels it is impossible to protect self so
they give up interacting to eliminate the possibility of more
hurt.
2. Is so desperate for any relationship they cling to anyone, despite
the fact that person may hurt them. They appear apathetic and
withdrawn.
3."Identify with the aggressor "taking on behaviors of the abuser
believing that physical strength is the only way to get along or
to get
what they want.
4 Other common behaviors
Hide their injuries by layers of clothes, long sleeves and pants
(even at a hot summer camp), create situations to harm them
self
either through self-mutilation, putting themselves In high risk
situations (climbing, running too fast) or having multiple accidents"
2. Neglect
a. What is it?
The commission or omission of acts which jeopardize the child's
health and welfare.
b. What are the results?
Examples: Dirty/unkempt, locked in a room, no supervision,
hungry,
tired, no doctor, lives in unsanitary conditions (no heat, no
plumbing), prepares own food which may be spoiled or rotten,
no school. Child must care for their self. They do not have a
parent who
functioned like a parent. This may have compromised their
health,
put them at high risk for physical problems, as well as possible
damage to brain functioning.
c. How does the child respond?
Child learns they cannot depend upon others. They become
“parentified” fulfilling the role of a parent for their self, siblings
and even possibly their actual parents. A child with the abilities
of a child is tackling adult responsibilities. To be successful the
child often will lie, beg, steal, lie and/or manipulate. Since they
were not of value to their parents, they see them self as being
worthless. They may freak out if/when they lose control. When
someone else takes control it can be very threatening for them.
3. Emotional abuse
a. What is it?
Interactions which are detrimental to the child's mental health
and
social development which Includes the area of emotional, social, physical
and intellectual support.
Examples: A parent telling a child they are stupid, that nothing a child
does is good enough, or that they will be left at the store if they don't
mind; calling them a nickname such as "Dopey;" creating an
environment of fear; withholding love; disinterested in child's life and
problems; and placing unreasonable or impossible expectations
upon child.
B. What are the results?
This results in emotional damage, which is often not directly
visible to
others. They come to believe the way their parents treated them
is
what they deserve. Hence they also see them self as having no
value.
c. How does the child respond?
Results less tangible and obvious than with other forms of abuse.
The child may be withdrawn, depressed, apathetic, and have little
communication. The behaviors serve as a protection against more
emotional abuse. The child may be withdrawn, depressed, apathetic, and
communicate little. These behaviors serve as a protection against more
emotional abuse. The child may also exaggerate their fears in an effort
to convince others their life is truly bad.
Youth with this form of abuse may pester you for attention and affection.
Since they are not capable of controlling their emotional life (internal
world), they attempt to have control elsewhere. They may insist things go
their way or become overly rigid.
4. Sexual abuse
a. What is it?
Sexual abuse is any act where a person (any age) is using
someone under 18 for sexual gratification. Sexual abuse may be the most
prevalent (although it is not the most reported),
Examples: Sexy talk, exposure of genitalia, touching, observing
a child shower, penetration, and photographing a child nude.
B. what are the results?
Physical problems such as: sexually transmitted diseases, damage to
body due to penetration, and bruises.
Emotional damage such as: seeing self as "damaged," think it is alright to
be used by others, inability to have appropriate boundaries, and a belief
that all relationships are sexual.
Sexual results include: Age-inappropriate understanding of
sexual behavior. Ie: hiding or flaunting their body. Sexualized at
an early age: if that’s what someone did to me then that’ show I
behave with others. It is possible they get the mindset of
“that’s all I’m good for or that’s just the way my life is supposed
to consist of.
C. How does the child respond?
The child may compulsively and Indiscreetly masturbate, focus on
sexual matters or genitalia, exhibit seductive behaviors with adults, peers
and inanimate objects. They may have a pseudo, sexual maturity or a
display young, innocent, and regressive behavior.
These children often have problems with going to the bathroom
in appropriate times and places. They are highly self-conscious
of their body and may wear a lot of clothes to hide it. Their
Internal distress is too much for them to process so they
develop acting out behaviors such as getting into trouble,
hurting self and others and temper tantrums. Since the one
person who was supposed to be their trusted protector (parent)
Is the person who abused them, they find it extremely difficult,
If not impossible to trust other people.
When the abuse is reported:
Their social life is radically altered. They are monitored.
Common occurrences campers may have gone through after a report
was made:
Separation from parents, family and all that Is familiar and known
• Medical examinations and procedures • Police Interview
• Possible court appearance In Juvenile and/or Criminal Court •
Involvement of a social worker
• Therapy • Placement In a foster home
C. Prevalence and incidence
1. How much abuse occurs?
Nearly 1 million children abused each year — 2,450
children/day. By 18,1 in 4 females and 1 In 6 males are molested.
2. Results of abuse per year
Four children die per day, many more are permanently
disabled or seriously injured.
3. Who is abused?
Boys and girls are equally likely to be abused, though girls are
sexually abused more than boys, and boys are physically abused more
than girls.
All races, ethnicities, and SES are abused.
4. Who abuses?
50% Natural parent
32% Step, foster or adoptive parent 18% Other
Note: Over 80% of abuse Is committed by a parent or parental figure,
the person a child should be able to trust more than anyone else in
their life.
5. Ca/Orange County
California has 95,000 registered sex offenders
Approximately 3,000 live In Orange County.
I. Theological
a. God’s plan
i. We must begin at what God's plan is for each child.
God intended that all children would be valued, loved,
nurtured, trained and allowed to grow into their
potential. While none of us have had a perfect
childhood, those who have been abused have had a
life, which is significantly altered from God's plan.
b. Relationship with God
i. 2. Our relationship with God is impacted by (1) what
we know about God (cognitive, what we are taught)
and (2) how we experience Him.
ii. What we know about God
1. Our knowledge about God comes from religious
education we receive from our family, friends,
church, and society. For one who has grown up
in a Christian environment they have likely been
taught about God's attributes of love, strength,
wisdom, justice, etc.
2. Family influence
a. This emotionally based understanding of
God is significantly impacted
by our family history and experiences. Our
experience of God resembles the
relationship with our parents, for instance,
if parents
saw us of value, our God image likely is that I am important to God; if
parents saw us always at fault, our God image likely Is that God is critical
and will find me guilty; and, if parents abused, our God image likely is
that God will also use me for his pleasure, not meet my needs, nor
consider my wishes.
**We as Christians provide the question mark that asks, "Could things be
different?" and open up the possibility in someone's mind to something
other than what is; something hopeful. When we are living Biblically
another human being can experience a new understanding of God. When
we are present in someone’s life, loving, or forgiving -someone else can
begin to grasp a God who is present and is Himself love, forgiveness.
That is the power of the Gospel writing a better story.**
Locals:
Even if our locals have been involved with a church fellowship or
other Christians, it is quite possible that due to their abuse they are not
able to experience God as loving and accepting. The result may be that
they express frustration and anger at God and they may be unwilling to
talk about God. Conversely, other locals may be excited to hear you share
about a God that they have not yet experienced as loving and caring.
Remembering that the Local's experience was highly impacted by how
their parents/guardians have treated them should also encourage you.
First, it will help you tolerate their extreme or confusing reactions
regarding God. Secondly, whether or not you have an opportunity to talk
to your locals directly about God, the ways you interact with them in love
and respect, will allow them to entertain the new possibilities that
perhaps God could also do the same. The result of their relationship with
you may continue to Impact their life long after living with ReGenesis.
Psychological
1. Attachment (How relationships occur)
"Attachment" Is the psychological term for bonding between parent/child.
It is the tendency to seek closeness with another and feel secure. It Is
from this basis that one's self-image develops.
Attachment teaches life's basics psychological tasks such as: ability to
regulate emotion (to control/not control), be able to share yourself with
others emotionally, to understand emotions, what experiences are
allowed into awareness (will the child allow themselves to remember
good, positive times and/or traumatic times) and to what degree
relationships are meaningful.
a. About 60% of the population has an attachment, which
has at least a secure component. Abuse by definition is
destructive to attachment
2. Secure attachment
Secure attachments results in mutuality (beneficial for both child and
parent, comfort, safety and pleasure for both caregiver and child in a
relationship. A child learns they can depend on parents to meet physical
and emotional needs. Any abuse greatly damages attachment. Our locals
will not likely have had secure attachments with their parents. However,
secure attachments can be developed later in life and YOU can be a
reparative part of that process.
Insecure attachment
insecure attachment develops when a primary caregiver does not
consistently respond to a child's needs in ways that are affectionate,
warm, and sensitive. There are three kinds of Insecure Attachment:
Anxious-Ambivalent, Anxious-Avoidant and Disorganized. The
1. Anxiety, ambivalence, avoidance and disorganization terms
refer to the child's responses to the parents
2. Anxious-Avoidant attachment
Parents emotionally reject the child who then has internal
pain and chaos but no-parent to show how to deal with it.
Hence, they have anxiety and fear. To avoid further hurt, they
avoid further relationships.
a. As seen in a foster child:
Campers may dismiss or avoid relationships/activities ("I don't need...")
and lack the ability for intimacy, to invest emotion in relationships, or to
share thoughts/feelings. Foster kids with this response may cause
problems, but remember that these problematic responses were the only
way they could protect them self. ("If I don't get Involved, then I won't be
hurt.") This is a protective mechanism.
3. Anxious avoidant attachment
Parents are Inconsistent and insensitive which left the child feeling
ambivalent about relationships: Simultaneously needing/ wanting and
NOT needing/wanting relationship. They are "stuck" not being able to
commit either way. Anxiety results.
Possible manifestations
Clingy and demanding, preoccupied, resists attempts to be calmed
and soothed if emotionally escalated (in fact they may become more
agitated if you attempt to soothe them). They fear new environments
(camp), are wary of new peers, counselors and staff, and often reluctant
to join in the activities. Their assumption is that you could not genuinely
care for them. However, due to their ambivalence they may also be
distraught when relationship ends.
4. Disorganized attachment
i. Parents respond in threatening, inappropriate,
bizarre, ways which left the child confused,
disoriented, afraid and with no way to find
solutions.
b. As seen in the lives of many kids in foster care:
This characterizes many of our campers. They will
seem as disorganized, with nothing quite "fitting."
Behaviors are undirected or misdirected. They are
often "Parentified" (taking on roles of a parent)
because there was no one else in their life to do so.
Hence they may not know how to have fun and just be
a child-
2.Development
All the issues and actions have deep meaning for them as a response
to the chaos they have grown up with. We must ask “what is the issue
behind the behavior?”
There are specific developmental stages that all go through. Abuse side
tracks, delays or arrests development. When development is arrested the
child is seen as "stuck" at stage. It is common that development is
stopped when abuse occurs. Physical and cognitive development is less
impacted while emotional, sexual and interpersonal development is
greatly Impacted. Therefore, while a child may look and talk like a ten
year old, they may behave and respond like a five year old.
a.
Cognitive
-Outside of significant trauma to head or lack of nutrition,
cognitive development not impacted by abuse. However, due
to the energy needed to internally cope with the abuse, the
child simply may not have the emotional energy to utilize their
cognitive abilities.
b. Physical
-In spite of abuse, the child grows. Except in rare instances of
extremely severe abuse, physical development is minimally
impacted.
c.
Emotional
-Abuse strongly impacts one's emotional development. It Is
common for the emotional development to be "stuck" and that
split between chronological and emotional age is often easily
seen. For instance, if a child was first abused at five, they would
continue to grow physically/ cognitively, but their emotional
capacity continues as most five year olds. A 10 year old foster
kid might look and talk like a ten year old, but only want to play
with baby dolls and stick close to you.
d. Sexual
-Sexual abuse destroys normal sexual development.
Through abuse, the child is taught it is "normal" way to
interact is through sex. This leads to sexualized behaviors,
comments, ideas, and dress. Intimacy and relationship is
now equated with sexuality. It is common for a child to
appear "pseudo" sexual, dressing, acting and
communicating in a much older way. For instance, a 10
year old may be seductive like an adult and you feel
sexualized energy in your interactions.
e.
Interpersonal
-By school age a child normally values friendships as being mutually
beneficial. . However, abuse teaches people are to be feared, to be used
and exist for the benefit of others. Abused children have significant
problems in relationships. It may be the assumption of your mentee that
you are getting involved in their life to benefit you, not them. That
combined with their inability to trust often leads to significant
interpersonal problems.
Youth may compensate by looking out only for them selves, being
"manipulative" (that is the only way they have been able to get
attention/care or have their needs met), "read" others and make
assumptions (though often wrongly) and they work the system.
Caution: Some Locals will seemingly bond with you, but do not mistake
that for trust. Re-building trust is an extremely long process. Your love
is irreplaceable but will not fix any longstanding trust issues, however, it
will impact them and over time have a effect. Remember this process is
about the journey not necessarily the destination.
II.
Making a difference
A. How abuse is connected with behaviors
There is a reason why kids act the way they do. They are
not just trying to be difficult. Try to think about the
underlying needs and reasons for the behavior.
B. A big question: If abuse occurred years ago, why is it still
affecting the child now? In many ways, the answer is logical:
What we are taught, we learn. The abuser is a powerful
teacher and the lessons are deeply embedded within the
psyche of the child. In order to survive the abuse and the
resulting relationship with the abuser, the child develops
coping skills. These skills often are an effective way to
respond to the abusive situations; therefore it is healthy that
the child becomes invested in them. The child is protecting
them self.
C. Some of the coping skills needed to be safe from an abuser
might be to not get emotionally involved, to allow the
abuser to get physically close since it is better to face the
abuse than to face the anger of the abuser, and not to trust
anybody -- especially the abuser.
D. The problem lies in the fact that these ways of coping and
protecting one's self become so over-learned thev are no
longer limited to interactions with the abuser, but become
the way they cope with ALL situations and interact with all
people (abusive or not). What was once protective Is now
problematic as the child treats everyone as if they were
going to also be abusive.
E. Trust
-The ability to trust one's world is greatly impacted by early
years. Abuse obliterates trust which leads to general
suspiciousness and lack of confidence. Campers may not have
the capacity to understand you truly are there for them and not
an ulterior reason.
F. Boundaries
a. A "boundary" Is where one's personal space begins
and ends. It is easy to understand when a physical
boundary is broken (someone touching you without
your permission, penetrating into your body, standing
too close to you, or hugging you for too long or for too
tight). It is not as easy to understand when an
emotional boundary is broken (when someone else's
emotions become a part of you, you feel as if someone
is controlling you, and someone treats you in a way
which is demeaning).
b. Abuse and boundaries
For abuse to have occurred, boundaries have
been broken. The child now no longer
understands what appropriate levels of
interaction, sense of self, and intimacy are. They
have a difficult time developing a sense of who
they are, what is theirs, and what they can keep
as "off limits" to other people. Conversely, they
also have a difficult time knowing who you are,
what is yours and what of yours is "off limits" to
them.
This may be seen with Locals breaking YOUR
boundaries as well as the boundaries of other
Locals. They may want to know personal
information, sit too close to you, want to be
touching you all of the time, and Interacting with
them may give you a feeling they have "jumped
inside of you."
By now it is clear that the effects of abuse permeates into all aspects of a
child's life. It is also clear that much of an abused child's behavior is the
result of the damage due to the abuse. Hopefully by you now
understanding some of the causes behind problematic behaviors (shall
we say "Irritating" behaviors?) will help you to have increased patience
and most importantly, inform your responses to them.
Some children have healed to the point where they have begun to change
their maladaptive coping skills and are learning what it means to have
appropriate boundaries.
While you should not ignore any bad behavior, you will be better
equipped to deal with it if you can first take a minute to understand the
reasons for the behavior. Since the reasons are likely linked back to
abuse or other issues of their past, most all acting out can be seen as an
expression of internal pain.
Responses such as "I can see you are very upset" are much more
healing and effective than "You are breaking a rule by throwing the
dinner plate." The thrown dinner plate needs to be addressed, but it is
only after they feel you understand their pain, will they be able to look at
that issue. You will not be able to identify directly with what they are
feeling (imagine a painful time you have been through. It doesn’t help to
have someone say “I know exactly what you’re going through” that simply
isn’t true however emotions like pain, brokenness, and disappointment to
one degree or another are common. Just acknowledge that you can’t
fully understand their emotional state –but you want to. Asking them to
help you understand may help. Deal with the pain first then move to
dealing with the behavior.
With all of this being said, it is important not to expect problems just
because they are typical of abused children. While everything that has
been presented are common and normal responses to abuse,
that does not mean they will be manifested in every youth.
III.
Guarantees
a. God Blesses
i. There are very few guarantees in life. And obviously,
there are not many guarantees we can make about
working with youth. But, there are several...
ii. God will bless your commitment and effort. God is
faithful and will accept the offering you are giving him,
that of yourself. Humbly acknowledge your
dependence on Jesus entering in and bringing
redemption and hope.
b. You will be changed
During your time as a mentor you will be stretched and pushed
(if not catapulted) out of your comfort zone. You may see, hear about,
and experience situations that you had not even imagined could happen.
Again, cling to the assurance that God loves you and the individual you
are ministering to. He wants wholeness, healing, and closeness with both
of you.
c. The Local will be changed.
You may or may not see these results, but we can trust
that God will be faithful in using the camp experience
to be meaningful and profound in the lives of the
youth.