1
Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Vicar of Dibley
1.2 – Songs of Praise
Owen Newitt: As long as you wear plastic gloves up to your shoulder, so you can ____
_____________________!
David Horton: And ______________________________, except of course for
____________________! _________________? Hugo?
Hugo Horton: Yeah?
David: __________________?
Hugo: Ah – er, yes! Erm, ______________________ the Council’s gratitude for the
completely anonymous gift of ________________________!
Voices: Oh, very nice! Very nice!
David: I think you might ___ “________________________”!
Rev. Geraldine Granger: Mmm! And ______ “____________________”!
David: ____________________________ that the King James text has infinitely more
dignity than today’s trendy rubbish! The glorious nobility of “______
______________________”!
Letitia Cropley: Oh, ______!
Hugo: Actually “The Word” is quite trendy really, if you watch itGer:
It is - yes, it is!
David: And __________________________, am I alone on Sundays in preferring ___
__________________________ with the malodorous creature sitting in the
next pew?
Jim Trott: No, no, no, no, no, no, no – _____________________!
David: ___________________?
Jim:
Oh, ah, ah, _______________! AhOwen: Er, look, ________________? Some of us have got arms that are urgently
needed up __________________________!
Ger:
David:
Ger:
David:
Ger:
You flirt!
Any other – any other business?
Yes, actually – _________________________!
Farewell “Newsnight”!
Well I’ve had a letter from BBC Religious Programmes, chap called Tristan
Campbell! _____________________________ “Songs of Praise” here at Saint
Barnabas!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
David: Heaven preserve us!
Ger:
Oh, not a “Songs of Praise” fan, then, David?
David: ________! ___________________________________ – they only cover it
because they promised Douglas Hurd they’d look after Thora in her dotage!
Chances are they’ll have Mellors simultaneously shagging the living daylights
out of Lady Chatterley on BBC2 to keep up ____________________!
Let:
______________________________! Some very useful tips!
David: _________________?
Let:
Oh, _____________! Mellors was a gamekeeper – very good at hedge control!
David: _____!
Let:
I thought the sex was jolly good fun as well!
Frank Pickle: _______________________________?
Let:
Oh, better not – we don’t want the Vice Squad raiding us, do we?
David: As I was saying – before ___________________________ by two tragic
victims of experimentation with hormone replacement – I’d like to know ____
_________________ our village church is to “Songs of Praise”!
Ger:
Well, ______________________________, really – it says here it’s to do with
the fact that the present incumbent __________!
David: ________________! ______________________! Let’s just flip over to BBC1
– apparently the vicar’s got a nice pair of knockers!
Ger:
___________________________________, David!
Let:
________________________!
Jim:
______________________!
Ger:
I do share some of your misgivings, David. I mean, _____________________
________________ to Felicity Kendall and the other members of the
impossibly tiny bottom club!
David: Bravo! __________________________! “Songs of Praise” is cheapening and
shallow and ridiculous! Isn’t it?
Hugo: Oh, yes, – it’s _______________!
Let:
_______________!
Frank: __________________!
David: _________! Well let’s have a vote on this, shall we? _________________ of
letting the morons from TV Land into our church?
Frank: I mean, it’s got to be a hoot, hasn’t it? Eh?
Ger:
Let the hordes in! Hah – hello! _______________________?
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Cecil:
Usually, yes! ________________________________________!
I see! Well, welcome to the auditions for our choir! ____________?
__!
I see!
_________________ for the job of the choirmaster!
Oh, I see! _______________?
Oh, yes!
Oh, wow! _______________! Welcome on board, erCecil!
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Cecil!
Can I enquire _______________________?
_____?
_________!
Ah! Nil! Well obviously we are going to have to rethink _______________
________, yes!
Cecil: Cecil!
Alice Tinker: Oh, Alice!
Cecil: ________________________________________!
Ger:
Cecil:
Ger:
Right, well, ________________________!
_______________ – ___________________!
Yes, __________, wasn’t it? Right – well, Alice, if you’d show in the first
contender! _______!
st
1 :
“Lord of all hopefulness, / _______________”!
nd
2 :
“Jesus wants me for a sunbeam / _________________________”!
rd
3 :
“_____________________-”
th
4 :
“-__________________________-”
th
5 :
“-________________________________, / _______________________-”
Gonads: I’m very big in the GONADS!
Ger:
Gon:
Ger:
Cecil:
Gon:
7th:
Ger:
Yes, _______________________________! __________________________?
The Great Otley and Netterton Amateur Dramatic Society! Character tenor!
Ah!
And ________________________?
“_____________________-”
“Oh, my love / My darling / I hunger for your touch - / a long and lonely time-”
Yes! _________!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
8th:
“Ow! You sexy murder-”
Ger:
_________! Owen! _______________!
Owen: Yeah, well, I thought _____________! Er, Mum says ___________________
________! I was just like – what’s the name of that bloke – ____________ –
_________ – _____________ – no testicles!
Ger:
Jimmy Osmond!
Owen: No! ___________ – Jones!
Ger:
I think you’ll find, Owen, that Tom Jones had _________________________
actually! __________, I’d say!
No – Aled Jones!
Oh, yes – definitely testicularly challenged, that one!
And er, ________________________, Owen?
Well, it’s ____________________________ called “Jesu, joy of man’s
desiring”!
Cecil: Oh, ______! ___________________________! It’s really groovy! Fire away!
Owen: “Jesu, _____________________ / ___________Cecil: I think we’ve got a young Pavarotti!
Owen: -love most brightGer:
Yes – _______!
Owen:
Ger:
Cecil:
Owen:
Owen: And ___________________!
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Oh – I’m sorry Hugo didn’t apply! _________________________!
__________________________, aren’t you, Alice?
Oh, no, no, not at all, but not in the ________________, Dirty Den and Angie
___________, no! Er, _______________________________?
Well, it depends _____________________!
________________!
Yeah, _____________ - yeah, yeah! I’ve given up on it recently, though – too
much waxing _____________! And you always get __________________ in
your tum, don’t you?
Alice: _____________! Every time I see Hugo,
____________ a whole cowpat!
Ger:
Enter if __________________________!
David: _______!
Alice: ______________________! Oh, Abyssinia!
Ger:
Yeah!
____________________
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
David: ___________________________ that I’ve put the new Bible onto the lectern,
and dare I say it looks slightly _____________________________________!
You know, “Funky news for modern man”?
Ger:
_____________________, David? I’m waiting for that Tristan __________
“_______________”!
David: Oh, ___________________________, Vicar! He’ll be some sad old soak
___________________ when he directed “Badger Watch”!
Ger:
Yes! You always think people at the BBC _________________________ and
then you remember Nicholas Witchell works there!
David: Besides which ______________________________ they make John Inman
look like Jean-Claude van Damme!
Ger:
Oh! __________________! Oh!
Tristan Campbell: You must be Geraldine!
Ger:
Yes!
Tristan: Tristan!
Ger:
Hi! Come, __________!
Tristan: Thank you!
Ger:
Hah! Do er, __________________!
Tristan: Here?
Ger:
Yeah!
Ger:
Tristan! This is David Horton, ______________________________! David,
this is Tristan!
David: _____________?
Ger:
Have you ever worked with John Inman, Tristan? It’s just that David’s __
___________________!
Tristan: ’Fraid not! Camp comedy’s not quite _____________, butDavid: No – ____________! If you’ll excuse me, I really must be going – there’s some
wrestling on ______________________! Goodnight!
Ger:
______?
Tristan: Yes, thank you! _______________________________________! I’m sure it’s
going to be wonderful!
Ger:
____________?
Tristan: No, that’s great! ___________________________, but er – great!
Ger:
Do er, sit down – __________!
Tristan: Ah! So! How’s it going in the parish? ________________________________?
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Well, David’s a bit hostile, but – _______________!
Yes, you often find it’s the gay Anglo-Catholics who kick up the most fuss!
Yes! ____________________- Yes, yes – you’re right, yes!
___________________ – any ideas about hymns?
Well, somebody did request “____________________________”!
David?
Yes, __________________, yes! Oh, look – ______________! Absolutely love
that popping sound it makes, don’t you? Ooh!
Tristan: Yes, it is - it is fun, yes!
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
_________, then!
Erm, about the readings – __________________________________________!
Oh! ______?
Well ___________________________!
Of course, yes! Mustn’t hog everything, must I? (Grunts) You’ll be er, _______
_____________, then, will you?
Tristan: Oh, yes – it’s very much __________________________! I’d really love
people to get a glimpse of ____________________ the cassock!
Ger:
I assume you’re talking spiritually there?
Tristan: Yes, _______________________!
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
What else could he have meant? I want to get __________________________?
_________!
Oh, oh, yes! Mm!
I’d really better be going – ______________!
Absolutely! And ______________________________ is just____________!
____________! Yes!
I’ll send someone down to recce the church, if that’s OK, _______________!
Yes – it’s not just OK, it’s okey dokey!
Well _________, Geraldine!
Ger:
Yes - _____________ – no, sorry, ______________! Sorry, you’re welcome to__________________ to- Welcome to- Yeah, yeah – yeah! Oh, God, I did a pig
impression – _________________t!
David: __________________________?
Ruth: ____________!
David: I’m David! David Horton – chairman of the Parish Council! _______________
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
________, isn’t it?
Ruth: Mm!
David: Very fine buttresses! Lovely erm, apse!
Ruth: I’m Ruth – I’m recceing for the lighting!
David: Oh, I see! ____________________________!
Ruth: __________________!
David: _________________!
Ruth: I thought I might start with a shot
__________________!
David:
Ruth:
David:
Ruth:
David:
of
this
old
tombstone!
Ruth:
Mm!
“Here lieth Farah Fiffonf”!
No, “Sarah Sissons” – the f’s are s’s!
Yes! ____________!
__________________! And _______________ – “Jane, fifter of the above”!
“Sister”, one hopes!
Come on, David – _______________________________!
Ger:
Alice:
Trist! Not here! Oh, all right then – ____________________!
_________________?
Ger:
Alice:
Oh, God! God, God!
Sorry – just thought that _________________________ for “Songs of Praise”,
if that’s all right!
Yeah, yeah, sit down! I was just, you know, __________________, _______
______! ________________, you know! Anyway (coughs)
___________________!
Oh, God, _______________________! Still, have a proper practice!
Oh, thanks!
Read on, McDuff!
OK! All right! Right! “Ye are _____________________, and sainted. God shall
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
seal your endeavours until ________________________.”
Yes!
OK. “Therefore ____________________ for his sake, and he shall be your
succour.” ______________?
Sorry?
__________________________!
Yes, I was! I was just thinking about – oh, nothing! ____________________
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
_____________ – succour?
Erm, _________________?
Well, it means _______, ____ –
Right!
Nourishment! Like you, Alice – _________________! And I’ll certainly need it
tomorrow night ____________________________!
And Tristan!
___? ___?
____________!
Oh, him! Him! God, __________________________________! _________
____________ about him licking me up the legs!
What?
Well, I hope he doesn’t expect me ________________________! God, it’s not
___________________________ – __________!
David: Ah! Hugo, what would you think if ever I were to - say – ________________?
Hugo: Oh! Well I, ________________________ – I just don’t seem to be able to get
one off my own bat!
David: No, _______________________________!
Hugo:
Oh, right! Got you! Ah, well, excellent! What, some sort of ________, _____,
___________ sort ofDavid: _______________!
Hugo: No – of course – there are ___________________ who’ve really fought hard
___________________! I mean, the necks are often a bit –
David: Yes, thank you, Hugo! I was in fact thinking of _______________! All I
wanted to say was, that ___________________________, I trust you’ll behave
with due discretion!
Hugo: __________! Yes! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ___________! How are you,
Davey, ________________! Nudge, nudge! Got to be going – busy organising
_____________________________________!
Ruth:
Let:
Ruth:
Let:
______________________!
__________, _______! ___________, I was what you call a corker!
______________________________?
_________!
Play the field! Snog everybody! _______________! I didn’t, and I’ve been
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
regretting it ever since! I do like young Frank, but _____________________!
________________, and not even upstairs outsidies!
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Tristan:
Ger:
Perfectly splendid!
Oh, thanks!
For the big occasions, you can’t beat _____________________, can you?
No!
And ________________! It’s just telly!
That’s right! Don’t worry – ____________! __________________, me! And if
Anne Diamond can do it-
Frank: I’m afraid we’ve run out of seats, Jim, ________________________!
Jim:
What about when _____________________?
Frank: Well we’ll just mime it, I suppose, you know – down, down, down, down,
down, down, down – _______! ______!
Hugo: Group hug?
Alice: Oh – __________?
Hugo: _________!
Alice: Yes – OK! Ooh! Will life be different after this? I mean, _________________
Hugo:
Alice:
Ger:
_____________?
Who knows? ___________________, _________________________!
Gosh, yes! Ooh, __________________?
Well – this is ______________________________________! I did once apply
to go on Mastermind, but they didn’t like __________________ – apparently
there just aren’t enough questions about the Wombles! And also ___________
_____, being _________________________ at the time! When I first decided
to become a vicar, my life was a little bit like Mastermind – people _________
_________ all the time! ___? ____? ___? I know there are still people who
can’t understand why women are ________________________ – people who
are worried that soon there’ll be pantyhose drying on the vestry radiators and
that
_________________________________!
But
you
know,
____________________! Because while they’re worrying about these little
things, they’re forgetting to __________________________! Issues like, well,
how much you help those who need help – how much you love people – and
______________________!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Tristan: _______! Sorry, that was terrific, but we’re going to ___________________!
The flowers got in the way of the camera! And cue!
Ger:
Oh, I see! In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Well
– this is the first time I’ve been on television! ________________ to go on
Mastermind, but they didn’t like my special subject – apparently __________
_______________________ about the Wombles! And er, er, als- er- oh, how
embarrassing!
Tristan: Speak up! _______________________?
Ger:
Er, yes, actually – er, last time we did it there was,
Owen:
Tristan:
Owen:
Tristan:
Owen:
Jim:
______________________________, wasn’t there? A little titter – mini,
mini-laugh!
Problem is, __________________________________, you see!
Yes, I know! Erm, everyone, can you pretend that this is the first time ______
_________________? Try and laugh in the same places that you did
________________!
Well how will we know __________________________?
Well, perhaps ______________________ can hold up a hand and cue you!
Damned if ______________!
_____________!
Tristan: Oh, well, great – well, ______________________________, right? And - take
four, and – Geraldine – cue!
Ger:
In the name of __________, _______, and ______________, Amen. Well –
___________________________________! I did once apply to go on
Mastermind, but they didn’t like my special subject – apparently there just
aren’t enough questions about the Wombles! And er, also, they thought I was a
bit too young – no, not right, no!
Tristan: Perhaps if you just raise your hand _____________________________!
Ger:
_____!
Tristan: ___!
Ger:
_________________________- No, no, no, no!
Tristan: Look, ________________ – ring me when ________________t!
Ger:
Oh – thanks very much! Perhaps if I’m er, beetling down the M40 _________
_____________ the Beeb – introduce me to Uncle Bulgaria!
Tristan: ________! _____________! Bye!
Ger:
Bye! Attention! Attention! ____________________________ developing!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
David: ____________________ – I wouldn’t mind ___________________________
___ about our next corporate video – “______________________________”!
You couldn’t ____________________________?
Ruth: Sure – ______________!
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Tristan! Hi, it’s Geraldine! Ah, ____________! Yeah – well ____________, we
meet up after Evensong, ___________, and reminisce!
_______________________________!
I know! I know! I know! Oh, come on, Geraldine – just do it!
Shall I get- ____________________?
No, no, no! Sit down – just sit down there! Right, right! __________ – right,
__________- No, _____________! _____________!
Just a picking cotton second here!
What, what?
You’ve gone and got a bit of a crush, haven’t you?
No, I haven’t!
Yes, youWell, ________________- Ooh, Alice – blimey, blimey – there’s juice loose
about this house! Well, I mean, it’s all so right, isn’t it? __________, _____
_____, ____________________________, ___________, _____________ –
and I love McVitie’s biscuits! I’ve got a really spooky feeling here!
________________________ depends on this phone call! Hello?
David: Geraldine?
Ger:
David!
David: Yes! Erm, _______________________ – I wondered if ________________ for
that Tristan bloke? Wanted to speak to the er, lighting bod – Ruth, __________
________ – about some damage to the chapel. Seem to have ______________
__________!
Ger:
________________ – I’ll look for it! Mm – I wonder where that number could
be? _______________________? Mm, I’m such a butterbrain, aren’t I? Oh!
Here it is, _____________________, David! It’s ____________, __________
_____, ________________!
David: Er, no, no, sorry – _________________________!
Ger:
Yeah – ________________________!
David: Well ____________________________________ – that’s – _____________!
Ger:
_________________________! Yep!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Alice:
Ger:
_____________________, then?
________________________________ – yeah, yeah!
Ger:
Hah! ____________________________, isn’t it? He’s taken, I’m git woman!
La di dah! It’s ________________________ of the priesthood! If a bloke’s
_______________________, the vicarage is hardly his first port of call!
I suppose not! ___________!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Yeah, local disco, ________________! ______________, take a raspberry
sponge! Oh, well – let’s do the tea rotas, eh? There’s more to life than ____
___________!
______________! Could have behaved like the moron from Mars on “Songs of
Praise”, like I did!
Yes, ____________! God, that was a cock up! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! _
________________ – sorry! No, no – they’ll edit it out – _____________!
Are you sure?
Absolutely! ________, ___________!
Frank:
Jim:
Frank:
All:
David:
Settle down, everyone! ______________!
There! _____________!
_________!
“Immortal, invisible, God only wise / In light inaccessible hid from our eyesWell, ________________________, I suppose you might as well ___________
____________!
Choir: … “_______________________, I feel it in my toes / I feel it in my toes! /
Love is all around meGer:
Oh, fab choice!
Cecil: I think it works!
Choir: _____________________ / and so _________________ / I love you, JesusGer:
You must, you must, give me ________________________! ______________
________!
Choir: By the way that I feel: / There’s no beginning, / There is no end - / On Jesus’
love ______________! / Yes, ______________!
Frank: You next, Vicar! ___________________!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Jim:
Let:
Ger:
This is your sermon, Vicar!
Yes!
I did once apply to go on Mastermind, buy they didn’t like my special subject –
apparently __________________________________ about the Wombles!
Jim:
_________________________________!
Let:
Ooh, here comes Alice!
David: Oh, _______________________!
Alice: Oh, no – ____________!
Ger:
Oh, shush, shush, shush, everyone, shush! _____________, you’ll see!
Alice:
___________________ from the sixth chapter of the Song of Solomon,
beginning at the second verse.
“______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_____________”
Original words:
“Ye are the salt of the earth, and sainted. God shall seal your endeavours until
ye sit on his right hand. Therefore fight the good fight for his sake and he shall
be thy succour.”
Ger:
Alice:
Succour! Succour! He shall be thy succour!
Thy succour!
Ger:
You see! _________________________ – would they, David?
David: No, no, _____________! Not if they were _______________________!
***
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
So two nuns _____________________ in Transylvania.
Ooh!
Yeah, and _______________ a great big, scary vampire jumps out ________
________________!
Oh, no!
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Dibley1.2 Songs of Praise
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Yeah. So one nun says to the other, “___________________!” So she winds
down the window and leans out and says, “__________________, you toothy
git!”
Oh, oh, ____________________, because I thought she meant, “Show him
your
crucifix!”,
whereas
in
fact
she
meant,
“Show
him
___________________________!”
Yes – it is quite _________________, yes!
I am stupid!
No! ________________________!
Alice:
Oh, it’s funny, actually, yes!
Ger:
Alice: