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Rashelle Butcher
Nikki Mantyla
English 1010-072
4 December 2012
Growing Pains: The Truth about Sibling Rivalry
“Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at”
~ Maya Angelou
As a mother of four boys, it is practically impossible for me to go a full day without one
of them complaining about the other or for a round of wrestling to turn into tears, possibly even a
bruise or two. I’d agree that arguments, on occasion, are bound to become physical as children
grow together. It is quite normal and to be expected. In fact, one would be hard pressed to find
someone who could say they grew up with siblings and managed to achieve adulthood without at
least one fight that became physical. I use to jokingly label this sibling rivalry as growing pains;
little did I know this phrase would take on a literal meaning for me and my family.
For many, the metaphor growing pains may fit the typical sibling arguments that we tend
to think are normal in every family. But, as I’ve been researching this topic, and through my
own family’s experience, it has become apparent to me that for a child who is growing up with a
sibling who persistently torments, bullies, and physically abuses them, this is no longer an
expression—but rather the title of a nightmare they can’t seem to awake from. Too often this
ill-treatment between siblings is dismissed as a rite of passage. Some even feel it will toughen a
child up and prepare them for the adult world. Yet, what happens when these kids, either the one
abused or the abuser, reach adulthood?
For anyone raising a child, it can be intimidating to concede there may be problems
bigger than you can handle alone. As a parent who has a child who has abused his siblings, I
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wanted to remain in denial and believe my boys could work it out among themselves. After all,
wouldn’t I be judged as a weak parent, unable to control my household? Were the boys just
being . . . boys? Would anyone believe that the physical and emotional problems had risen to
the level of abuse? The problem is through the fear and doubt we continue to throw a blanket
over the rising predicament of siblings abusing each other, which, in turn, only allows the cycle
to continue generation after generation.
As a society, we can no longer close our eyes to the fact that abuse between siblings is
taking place, and it’s more prevalent than we may realize. We must be proactive to prevent the
abuse from continuing by assessing our children’s’ interactions with each other and by adopting
a policy of zero tolerance for any kind of physical violence in our family homes. Knowing when
to ask for help is crucial, but there must be resources for parents to seek help without the fear of
being labeled as dysfunctional, dismissed as being over-reactive, or unrealistically scrutinized. I
believe our courage to tackle the problem—before it becomes a crisis—can prevent the cycle
from continuing as our children form adult relationships and begin having families of their own.
When we hear that physical abuse toward a child is taking place in a family, our minds
typically conjure up a picture of parent /child abuse. Rarely do we think the source of battery is
a sibling. As a society, we have zero tolerance for the abuse of a child; however, it seems we
aren’t convinced it rises to the level of abuse when the violence is coming from a sibling. Dr.
John Caffaro of the California School of Professional Psychology states, “Society’s awareness of
sibling assault, and its response, has lagged behind other child abuse issues and concerns”
(Conn-Cafarro p. 604-623). Frankly, we are quick to downplay how commonly it occurs.
Studies have shown 53% of children, ages 3 to 17 years, have committed acts of severe violence
(such as punching, kicking, stabbing or attacking with objects) against a brother or sister,
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whereas only 2.3% of parents have engaged in severe violence toward their children (Strauss &
Gelles p. 5). In my English class alone, 12 out of 18 people raised their hands when asked if
they, as a child, experienced regular, violent, abusive altercations with a sibling (English 1010).
Granted, this wasn’t a formal poll, but it is evident that many of us have experienced such
violence from a sibling. In all probability, the statistics may be higher as most people do not
want to believe that those altercations were abusive. With that being said, and because kids will
get into harmless physical quarrels, it’s no surprise that the lines between rivalry and abuse
become a bit fuzzy. So, how can you determine when normal sibling rivalry crosses over into
maltreatment?
A generation ago, it may not have been so hard to put a time stamp on a time when the
family dynamics suddenly went off course. We weren’t competing with the high demands of a
computer-driven world. Now, however, because life is so fast paced, it’s more important than
ever to make time and take inventory of our family’s relationship bank. Dr. Vernon Wiehe, a
nationally recognized expert on sibling relationships, agrees “it would be easy if one could state
a specific time after which sibling rivalry becomes sibling abuse; however, this is not possible.
What we are looking for here is a pattern of behavior between or among siblings.” He
recommends we identify behavior: “is it hitting, slapping, or pushing – physical acts? Is it namecalling, teasing or making derogatory comments – emotional acts? Analyze the behavior and
specifically identify it.” (Wiehe “What Parents Need to Know” p.15). Of course, not every act
that is examined will diagnose that your child is an abuser, but one needs to willing ensure the
act does not become problematic.
Additionally, it is important to stress that there are two sides—a giver and receiver. One
common mistake parents make is limiting the focus solely to the actor and not analyzing the
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recipient. The University of Michigan Health System says “parents should be concerned if one
child is always the victim and one is always the aggressor. One child avoids their siblings . . .
[changes in] behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares. A child act[ing] out abuse
in play” (University of Michigan ¶9). These all can be warning signs that your children’s’
sibling relationship is in jeopardy.
The University of Michigan Health Systems site also provides direction for parents when
rivalry occurs:
Whenever violence occurs between children, separate them [then] after a cooling
off period, bring all the kids involved into a family meeting. Gather information
on facts and feelings. State the problem as you understand it. Help the kids work
together to set a positive goal. Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the
victim—while at the same time, not playing favorites . Make your expectations
and the family rules very clear.(¶10).
Consistency, follow through, and involvement in our children’s’ lives can be the foundation for a
zero tolerance for violence policy in our homes. We must model the behaviors we expect from
our children. A good exercise is to allow your (age appropriate) child to witness your behavior
during a disagreement: let’s say during a pricing error at the grocery store. How do you interact
with the other person? Are you calm or are you easily angered? It is important to exhibit the
behavior you require of your children. Show them that problems can be resolved without
becoming physical. As easy as that sounds, we all know it doesn’t always work. What should
we do if the unwanted physical aggression continues or worsens?
When my son (we will call him Sam, now age 15) was 11 years old, the normal sibling
rivalry I thought the boys were exhibiting became harder for me to justify as boys being boys.
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The patterns of name calling, teasing, and belittling seemed to be constant. The torture of his
emotional abuse turned physical and became un-relenting. As parents, we must understand what
the ramifications are if this behavior is left to continue. We cannot allow our pride to prevent us
from seeking help. A film maker, Gary Prusaitis, interviewed Dr. Wiehe in an effort to find out
if the struggles he (Prusaitis) was having as an adult could be a result of the vicious treatment by
his brother. Dr. Wiehe stated “ most definitely!” Wiehe reports he conducted a study “of 150
people who were seeking help for drug/alcohol addition, depression, poor interpersonal
relationships, low self-esteem, just to name a few. . . the results of the study made me aware of
the serious consequences of sibling rivalry that gets out of control and becomes sibling abuse.”
(Wiehe “Interview” by Prusaitis, film).
Although my family was already going to therapy, and I was implementing consistent
rules and consequences, the emotional health (in addition to the physical well-being) of my
children had been compromised. The Ah-ha moment was when I innocently approached my
youngest son, put my hand on his neck and squeezed while telling him, “I love you.” He jumped
and turned around as if I had stabbed him. The look in his eyes almost dropped me to my knees.
He said, “Don’t do that! Sam does that to me when he hurts me!” I tried to convince him that I
was just trying to show him affection, but the innocent gesture was no longer welcome. At 9
years old, my son was afraid in his own home.
Not long after that interaction, another altercation between my boys led me to contact law
enforcement in the hope Sam would realize his actions had legal implications. My hope was
short-lived, however, because the police didn’t feel any criminal act was being committed. I was
puzzled by this because the legal qualifications for child abuse in Utah are “any [emphasis
added] person who inflicts upon a child physical injury…”, and the results of the physical injury
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range from “a bruise or other contusion of the skin” to more serious injuries such as “fracture of
any bone or bones” (UCA 76-5-109 ¶2, ¶i, ¶A). My son was physically hurting his brothers,
leaving more than just bruises, so why the hesitation? It became apparent we were on our own
as my son’s occasional punch-you-in-your-arm-because-you-annoy-me actions were quickly
turning into a dark place of pain, torture, and hopelessness for my entire family.
Eventually, the law was forced to step in, but only after one life-threatening attack
involving me as well as his brothers. I pled with the courts to have the State assume custody of
my child and provide him with intense treatment, treatment I didn’t have the financial resources
to provide. You could imagine my shock when I was told the State only intended to provide the
least restrictive help and offered additional counseling—interventions I had already provided for
my child since he was five years old. Fortunately, after I begged the court “not to wait until I
was back with a tragic story of death”, the court agreed my family was in crisis and ordered the
State to provide the help I so desperately sought for my son, for my family. But should it have
been this hard?
Prior to the State providing in-patient services, I attempted to secure in-patient treatment
for my son by myself. I was met with limited options. The costs were exorbitant and facilities
would not help us because the violence wasn’t that serious.
Dr. Finklehor, an advocate for children of abuse, was quoted in the New York Times
saying, “If I were to hit my wife, no would have trouble seeing that as an assault or a criminal
act. [But] when a child does the same thing to a sibling, the exact same act will be construed as a
squabble, a fight or an altercation” (Finklehor N.Y.Times ¶4).
It is common knowledge that for victims of domestic violence, resources (typically free
of charge) are available. Conversely, there are few alternatives when dealing with siblings who
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hurt each other. Basically, you are left with the options of family counseling. Many of the
facilities I interviewed didn’t see the problem as being between the siblings, but rather with me
as a parent. For instance, within a few months of my son’s admission into an in-patient center, I
became interrogated by the casework and the therapist regarding my parenting skills. I am the
first to admit I have made many mistakes in my life—who hasn’t? But it seemed the goal was to
find a problem with the parent, rather than addressing the issue of the anger and rage my son had.
I’m not saying that professionals should not maintain vigilance for possible parental neglect, but
it is rare that a parent seeks help when they are the sole perpetrator of the abuse. Keep in mind, I
had been the one to get my son into therapy as soon as I recognized the beginnings of his
uncontrollable anger.
Parents seeking help may be met with skepticism, reluctance, and accusations. However,
persistence will prevail. Programs will be developed for families who are suffering though this,
but only if we are brave enough to open ourselves up. When we take this risk, society must not
judge, but have empathy for a family in crisis, a family doing everything it can in order to
survive and thrive. The family will then be engaged in the processes of learning new ways to
deal with conflict and create their own policy of zero tolerance for physical violence in their
homes.
My hope is by sharing my story we can uncover the topic of sibling abuse and begin
developing reasonable cost programs with open access to parents, programs with professionals
who will not automatically assume the parent is at fault, and will not ignore all of the children
who need help. We can create a movement where a child can be protected from abuse,
regardless of who the abuser is. The phrase growing pains can then simply be the ache in your
child’s legs as he grows overnight.
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Works Cited
Cafarro, John PhD. California School of Professional Psychology. “Sibling Violence” 2011
p. 604-623. Web. 30 Oct 2012
< https://www.pal-tech.com/.../2703_Caffaro,_J.-Sibling_Violence.html>
English 1010-072. Fall 2012. Salt Lake Community College. Survey. 13 Nov 2012
Finkelhor, David PhD. “Beyond Rivalry: A Hidden World of Sibling Violence.”
New York Times 28 Feb. 2006 Para 4. Web 30 Oct. 2012
www.nytimes.com/2006/02/28/health/sibl.html
Utah Code Annotated (UCA)76-5-109 Para 2, i, & A Amended 2011 General Session.
Web. 20Nov 2012
University of Michigan Health System. Sibling Rivalry: Your Child. “Sibling Abuse” 2010 Oct
Para 9 Web. 28 Nov 2012 http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibabuse.htm
--- Sibling Rivalry 2010 Oct Para 10 Web. 28 Nov 2012
<http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm>
Wiehe, Vernon PhD. What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse 2002 March.
p. 15. Print.
---Interviewed by Prusaitis, Gary. 18 Oct. 2011. You Tube. Web. 23 Nov. 2012
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08IADJsMq94