Name:_____________________
Unit 1: Personal Statements
Teacher
E-Mail
Telephone
Office Hours
Ms. Megan Kang
kangm@jrladetroit.com
(949) 293-5028
Thursday 4:10-5:10pm
Be your best self, clearly, concisely, and entertainingly.
Monday
15
Tuesday
16
Wednesday
17
Thursday
18
Friday
19
Personal Statements
Kick Off!
Exemplar Statements
Standing Out From
The Crowd
Prewriting:
brainstorming &
choosing your topic
22
23
24
25
Prewriting: creating
an outline
Drafting: Writing
your Introduction
Drafting: Writing
your Body
Paragraphs
Drafting: Writing
your Conclusion
OUTLINE DUE
(end of class)
29
30
1
Revising: Peer
Reviews cont.
Editing and
Proofreading: type
out final drafts
FINAL DRAFTS DUE
(beginning of class)
2
TOPIC DUE (end
of class)
26
ROUGH DRAFT
DUE (beginning
of class)
Revising: Peer
Review
3
Publishing Day!
The Personal Statement:
In the application process, grades and ACT scores are the most important piece of the puzzle.
However, even with grades and test scores, there are going to be hundreds of students that look
nearly identical to you. You have to find some way to separate yourself from the hordes of other
qualified students. One way to do that is through the college admissions essay.
Broadly, the goal of the admissions essay is to give the admissions team a window to your self. You
want your true self to shine through on the essay, because it’s the university’s only chance to get to
know you. As Harry Bauld, author of On Writing the College Admission Essay says, “The essay can
be your ticket out of the faceless applicant hordes and into First Choice University.”
The best part about the essay is that you have direct control over the writing. And the next best part
is that you don’t have to be an amazing writer – you can till learn to say something simple and
meaningful.
For those interested, Mr. Bauld’s book is an excellent read, full of great advice. For those that just
want a quick guide, this document outlines some key principles that you should use when creating,
and revising, your essay.
2
1) Read Other Good Essays: Malcolm Gladwell, the famous writer who writes for the New
Yorker, and wrote books like Blink, The Tipping Point, and Outliers, is a proponent of
reading before writing. Gladwell was once assigned to write a ‘Talk of the Town’ piece for the
New Yorker, the brief pieces that are at the front of the magazine. All of the ‘Talk of the
Town’ pieces have a similar pace and tone, and Gladwell wanted to make sure he got that
pace and tone right. So, he sat down, and read 100 ‘Talk of the Town’ articles, back to back to
back. Sounds like a good way for us to get started, only with slightly fewer pieces.
Attached to this document are a bunch of sample exemplar college admissions essays. See if
you can pick out the parts that you like, and the areas where the essays are similar to one
another.
2) Open Strong: Admissions officers, the people who will be reading your essays, have very
little time. They have thousands of applications to read, and simply aren’t able to devote a
ton of time to each one. The people reading your admissions essays are mostly young, recent
college grads, and they have a bunch of other responsibilities. For each application, they
may have only a few minutes, total. This is why you have to (1) have the grades and test
scores to get your foot in the door, and (2) write an essay that immediately grabs their
attention.
Author Harry Bauld writes that one of the best essays he’s come across starts with the line, “I
do some of my best thinking in the bathroom.” After reading this opener, you have to read on
– you have no other choice. As you write your essays, this is the first major theme – the
opener can’t be obvious or cliché. You have to grab your audience right off the bat.
3) Informal (but kind of formal) Voice: The tone of your essay should be like you’re
talking to a friend. Not a best friend, but more like an acquaintance that you want to get to
know better. Another way to think about it is like an interesting letter to someone you just
met. Don’t write like you’re trying to impress an adult, or trying to write what ‘they’ want to
hear. They want to hear about you, so write like how you would talk – just a bit more formal.
4) Humor: Some say don’t use humor. But if you’re a funny person, or you see the world
through a humorous lens, then it won’t sound natural if you don’t let your humor out on the
page. Don’t force humor, but if it comes out naturally, then go with it.
5) Topics to Avoid: From conversations with college admissions officers, it seems that you
want to avoid, at all costs, writing the ‘classic’ admission essay. According to Harry Bauld,
these essays fall into a few different categories:
1) The Trip – “Everything was different, but then I got used to it, and this is who I am
now.” The trip essay could be good, but needs to be packed with details and specifics.
2) The Experience – “Through this experience, I learned A, B, and C.” Too formulaic.
3) The Process – Admissions officers warn: if you write about the process of applying,
they may not read the essay.
4) Autobiography – You don’t have enough space.
5) Too many I’s – Don’t say “I” too much.
6) Tell a Story (or stories): So what should you write about? From the essays I’ve read,
literally anything you want. There are a bunch of strategies to get you started, attached to
this document. But regardless of the topic, focus on telling a story, or many stories. You
could use a story to start your essay, end your essay, or a particular story could weave its way
through your essay, like a flashback in a movie. The key thing to remember is that stories
make the piece more memorable, and makes someone want to read on. In addition, a story
lets the events speak for themselves. Which brings me to my last point…
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
3
7) Let the events speak for themselves: You want to tell the admissions committee
everything about yourself. But the best way to do that might be to not tell them anything
about yourself, and let the events speak for themselves. Bauld uses the example of a violinist.
In her essay, she went into great detail about the sound of the strings, and the smell of the
resin. She never had to say “I practiced the violin for four hours a day,” because the reader
could infer how hard she practiced, based on the details provided. Try to do this with your
own essay.
REQUIREMENTS
The following must be included in your writing folder and/or your essay when you turn it in.
Be sure to read carefully and ask questions if you need to:
Requirement
Points
Possible
Prewriting Activity
5
TOPIC Submission - Fri. 9/19
5
OUTLINE Submission - Mon. 9/22
15
1st Draft of Essay - Fri. 9/26
(MUST be double spaced. Handwritten is fine)
Peer Review Sheet - Mon. 9/29
25
Final Draft of Essay - Wed. 10/1
(MUST be typed, double spaced, size 12 font, 1 inch margins)
 Ideas: (clear, focused, interesting, and specific)
40


Organization:
1. Successful Introduction Paragraph (Hooks reader
and clear thesis statement)
2. Successful Body Paragraphs (at least 2)
3. Successful Conclusion Paragraph (Restate thesis and
“clinch” the essay)
Voice: (my paper has personality and original)
Total Points
Points
Received
10
10/40
20/40
10/40
100
Grade
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
4
2014-15 Common Application Essay Prompts
The Common Application will retain the current set of first-year essay prompts for 2014-15, without
any edits or additions. The essay length will continue to be capped at 650 words.
The essay prompts are as follows:
- Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what
lessons did you learn?
- Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would
you make the same decision again?
- Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or
experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
- Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from
childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Getting Started Exercises
It may be that some students haven’t started their essay yet. Or, it could be that they’ve finished it,
but don’t like it, and can’t figure out what to write about. The key is to just start writing – about
almost anything. An essay topic will unearth itself somewhere along the way.
Here are some potential exercises to get going. Students can start with this, no matter how odd they
are. As they write, they could end up seeing how the topic connects back to who they are, and the
values they hold as most important.
Exercises:
The obsession list
 Something that pops in your head for no reason…that ‘disturbs, elates, provokes, annoys,
upsets, inspires, or pulls at you.”
 In three minutes, note one item in each category below. Then, see if you can write more
about that subject, and see where it leads:
 A smell
 A word
 A day of the week
 A daily ritual
 A skill or talent you do not possess
 A particular sound
 A recurring dream
 A one-time dream
 Something about your name
 A place that is too small, secret, or out-of-the-way to have a name (example:
a hollow tree a quarter-mile off the road near the auction house in town)
 A small place that has a name (like a certain neighborhood, or section of a
neighborhood)
 A non-obvious body part (skin, freckles, uncle’s ear hair, thumbs)
 Something a friend once said
 Something you wish you had said but didn’t
 Something you said but wish you hadn’t
 An ongoing or unresolved argument you have with someone in particular
about something trivial
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
5
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An ongoing or unresolved argument about something important (right and
wrong, justice, courage, truth)
Your favorite (or least favorite) swear
Something in the natural world (ginko leaf, sparrow, acorn, quartz)
A building or part of a building
A human-made visual: an ad, a painting, graffiti
An accident
Something you read
A song; a few words from that song
An image from the internet
A piece of dialogue from a movie
An animal or something about an animal
A deficit or weakness in yourself
Someone who scared you when you were young
A metaphor that sticks with you, whether fresh and lively or clichéd
A cliché
Something about money (Washington’s ponytail on the quarter, the color of
the ink on the Euro)
Something about your hair or the hair of others
Something you can’t wait for
A specific, very small moment (lasting no more than a minute) when you knew
what love was
Something about elementary school
Something about food (persimmons, Hunan sauce, jawbreakers)
A fear, small- spiders, multiple choice tests, gefilte fish
A fear, medium – heights, low-flying planes, clowns
A fear, jumbo – the expanding universe
Something you did or saw involving fire
Something very specific and particularly about water (the tug of a trout at the
end of a fishing line)
Something you misunderstood or mispronounced for a long time
A movie, or some moment in a movie
A time you had a hand in killing or saving something
Potential Notebook Exercises
 Write down all your dreams.
 Write a full news story of your first memory. Pick your first memory, and really recount
every single detail. Think about how you picture that memory, the colors and sounds. Then
think about why you remember that event, of all the things that you could have remembered.
How does that memory, the experience, and the details related to that experience, relate to
who you are now?
 Tell the whole story of your first school day or your first-grade year.
 Write dialogue: (a) conversation you had or (b) conversations you overheard.
 Describe your best friend to your worst enemy.
Look Around. It’s Stranger than Fiction
 The stuff that happens every day, can often be stranger than what someone could dream up.
 “There’s a guy every week who plays an upright piano under the arch in Washington Square
Park. It has bright green keys and all the guts of it are exposed. When he finishes, he rolls it
away over the cement.”
 Write these sorts of observations in your notebooks.
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
6
Rambling
 “In ten minutes, write 250 words about everything you’re thinking. Keep your reader –
friend, brother, teacher – in mind, and write fast, without stopping, and don’t worry about
shifting topics or ideas.”
 If you get stuck, write about what you see.
 If good, show it to your reader.
 “We went to Boston (family) to see the bar mitzvah of a friend of ours. It was
pretty interesting – first one I’ve ever been to. No chopped liver sculptures or
anything. I sort of missed the eighth grade rush at school, arriving a wee bit
late. We saw the Renoir exhibit in Boston. Lots of lovely long-haired ladies
and blue-eyed children. He’s amazing with faces – he paints people I could
stare at for hours. But when he sits a girl on a chair, it looks like she’s floating
a millionth of an inch above it. He just can’t seem to get people to sit right in
their armchairs. I’ve never seen so many people in a museum. In class today
we talked about an essay I hadn’t read. Actually, I read the wrong one. We
were talking about hedgehogs and foxes and I read about Tolstoy and the
Enlightenment.”
 As you can see, this is fragmented and disjointed. The writer goes from talking
about a bar mitzvah, to 8th grade (right around when bar mitzvahs occur) to
talking about a Renoir exhibit to talking about those painting, back to the
museum, back to school, and the specifics of school.
 But, the rambling has great energy, and much of the information could be
turned into a college essay.
Rambling 2
 Try writing for ten minutes, writing on one topic – detours are okay, but try and stay in the
same direction, and don’t stop.
o “Mr. Thompson carried a light tan leather briefcase with a slightly battered flap and
he’d shuffle around in it until he got his papers organized, then he would snap shut
the top and we’d see a pile of old yellow faded papers that looked as though they were
from around the period that he was discussing. Then his wrist-breaking lectures
began. It’s strange the way Mr. Thompson used and handled chalk. He always carried
a bunch of colors to draw Greek battle plans with, and each one had a shiny chalk
holder because he said he didn’t want the chalk to dry out his fingers or make them
purple or green. When Mr. Thompson was missing a holder he would never switch
them because it would waste too much time. Instead he held the bare chalk with the
tips of his fingers, with his pinky raised in the air. It looked like he was waiting for a
bird to perch on it.”
 It’s rough, but with great details – “wrist-breaking lectures”
o
“Buses were late this afternoon again. Our bus didn’t show at 5: 40. 6: 00 still
nothing. 6: 30 Mr. Johnson comes out, tells us well, you see, the buses got stuck,
another hour or two, etc. etc. Meanwhile it’s Faculty-Trustee dinner night. So Gill and
I saunter over and find Coach and Clayton. Mrs. Morris brought us some stuffed
mushrooms. Mr. Glasser said, “Hey, no problem, join the party! Here, have something
to drink.” My respect for him rose rapidly. 7: 34 the bus finally arrives. 7: 53 around
180th Street, a guy starts running after us shouting, “Yo, yo, you’re on fire, yo, you’re
on fire!!” Lance decides this a good enough reason to run around the bus screaming at
the top of his fat little lungs. Bus driver stops, gets everyone off the bus, tries to see
where the fire is. Decides he better call the company, but lo and behold, buses have no
two-way radios. So he jumps on the bus and drives away, presumably to the nearest
telephone, leaving forty of us standing in a rather conspicuous group on the corner.
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
7
Gill and I say Bleep this, take a few 9th graders with us and bum a ride on the city bus.
Got home at 8: 45. Mom was throwing fits.
 You’ll find yourself salvaging chunks of the essay, and then creating the
beginnings of the foundation to the college essay.
Free Association
You can do this exercise with a group.
1) Pick an ordinary object
2) In one minute, write as many words as you can that this word brings to mind. Try it with a
bicycle or a favorite hat.
3) Write fast for fifteen minutes about the object. You can praise it, attack it, or defend it. You’ll
likely find some material on which you can build your essay, by exploring what you already
know.
Grousing
 John Updike wrote an essay for the New Yorker called “Beer Can,” in which he lamented the
fact that the beer can had changed over the years. In the old days, the beer can used to be
opened by using a tool that poked a hole in the top. Now, the beer can has a pop-top
contraption, like a soda can. Obviously, John Updike liked the old way.
 In fifteen minutes, write about something that has changed for worse during your life.
Describe the way it used to be and compare it to the present. If you want, begin with
“Consider the…” In a different piece, write about something that has changed for the better.
o John Updike’s ‘Beer Can’: “This seems to be an era of gratuitous inventions and
negative improvements. Consider the beer can. It was beautiful – as beautiful as the
clothespin, as inevitable as the wine bottle, as dignified and reassuring as the fire
hydrant. A tranquil cylinder of delightfully resonant metal, it could be opened in an
instant, requiring only the application of a handy gadget freely dispensed by every
grocer. Who can forget the small, symmetrical thrill of those two triangular punctures,
the dainty pfff, the little crest of suds that foamed eagerly in the exultation of release?
Now we are given, instead, a top beetling with an ugly, shmoo-shaped tab, which,
after fiercely resisting the tugging, bleeding fingers of the thirsty man, threatens his
lips with a dangerous and hideous hole. However, we have discovered a way to thwart
Progress, usually so unthwartable. Turn the beer can upside down and open the
bottom. The bottom is still the way the top used to be. True, this operation gives the
beer an unsettling jolt, and the sight of a consistently inverted beer can might make
people edgy, not to say queasy. But the latter difficulty could be eliminated if
manufacturers would design cans that looked the same whichever end was up, like
playing cards. What we need is Progress with an escape hatch.”
Boring for Fun
 Write for 10 minutes about the most boring thing you do during the course of a day. Be as
detailed as possible, and do it in a lively fashion.
Ranting
 Write from anger for ten minutes – either one topic of jumping around.
Somewhere, in all these exercises, your essay may be waiting to be unearthed. Harry Bauld
frequently says that writer’s block doesn’t actually exist. Instead, he says, just start writing. Rather
than worrying if something sounds right or not, just get your thoughts out on the page. First, you
need to write – no matter how badly. Then, go back and edit later.
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
REASON B
MORE INFORMATION
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REASON A
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THESIS STATEMENT
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
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MORE INFORMATION
REASON C
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Step 1: PRE-WRITING
9
THESIS STATEMENTS
What is a thesis statement?
The essential recipe for thesis statements!
Thesis Statement = Declaration + 3 Reasons
EXAMPLE
Declaration: Drunk-driving laws should be stricter in New Mexico.
Reasons Why:
A. Drunk-driving causes many accidents.
B. Strict laws might prevent people from drinking and driving.
C. Larger fines could earn money for programs to educate people about drunk driving.
Thesis Statement: Drunk-driving laws should be stricter in New Mexico because drunk-driving
causes many accidents, strict laws might prevent people from drinking and driving, and larger
fines could earn money for programs to educate people about drunk driving.
Your Thesis Statement!
Declaration:
Reasons Why:
A.
B.
C.
Thesis Statement:
____________________________________________________________________
(Declaration)
because_______________________________________________________________,
(Reason A)
_________________________________________________________________, and
(Reason B)
____________________________________________________________________.
(Reason C)
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
10
WRITING AN INTRODUCTION
STEP 1: THE HOOK – If you want people to read your essay, you have to grab the reader’s
attention! Experiment with different ways of “hooking” your audience by trying out at least 2 of the
4 techniques below.

TECHNIQUE #1: THE QUESTION – Ask a question about your topic. Make sure you
choose a question that will make your reader want to keep reading to find out the answer.
Here is an example of a question from an introduction to a paper about increased passing
time: Can you imagine having just three minutes between classes to visit your locker, use
the restroom, see a friend, and walk to a class located on the other side of the school?

TECHNIQUE #2: THE STORY – Tell a short story relating to your topic. Your story
should be brief and connected to your topic, and it should create an emotional response in
your reader – it could make your reader feel angry, happy, sad, or excited, for example. For a
paper on increased passing time, you might write:
Just the other day, a student at Thoreau Middle School had a problem. P.E. was ending,
and the student knew she had to use the restroom, go to her locker, and make it to her class
on the other side of the school – all in three minutes of passing time between classes! The
student ran to arrive on time, but she still came in the door thirty seconds late. That
afternoon, she found herself in lunch detention.

TECHNIQUE #3: THE BOLD STATEMENT OR STATISTIC – Write a dramatic
statement or an attention-grabbing statistic relevant to your topic. Here is an example of a
bold statement for an introduction for a paper on increased passing time:
Everyday, students at Thoreau Middle School face the unfairness of a three-minute passing
period that does not allow them to meet their basic needs.

TECHNIQUE #4: THE QUOTATION – Find a quotation that fits your topic. It could be
from a famous person, an expert, or someone involved in the situation (a student, a teacher,
the principal, a family member). For example, a paper on increased passing time might use
this quotation:
“Three minutes of passing time seems way too short for students who are at school for more
than seven and a half hours every day,” says Thoreau Middle School language arts teacher
Christy Martenson.
WRITE A HOOK FOR YOUR PERSUASIVE ESSAY USING ONE OF THE HOOK TECHNIQUES
ABOVE: TECHNIQUE #________
_____________________________________________________________________
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_____________________________________________________________________
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"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
11
STEP 2: EXPLAIN – After you “hook” your reader, you need to explain your topic using both facts
and your own opinions.
In the space below, write at least 5 ideas that will help you explain your topic.
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STEP 3: THESIS STATEMENT – The final part of your introduction needs to lay out your
argument with strength and confidence. This is where your thesis statement comes in! The last
sentence of your introduction should be your thesis statement.
Write your thesis statement here:
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
12
WRITING A CONCLUSION
A Conclusion Formula – only three simple ingredients!
Declaration + Reasons Why + Something to Think About
Ingredient 1: Declaration
 should begin with a transition that signals that you are wrapping up your argument
o in conclusion
o as you can see
o therefore
o clearly
o finally
o in summary
 should restate your argument or main point
Ingredient 2: Reasons Why
 each of your reasons should begin with a transition that signals the order of your reasons:
o first, first of all, firstly, to begin with
o second, second of all, secondly, next
o third, third of all, thirdly, finally, lastly
 should restate your reasons using different words than the introduction and the body
Ingredient 3: Something to Think About
 should leave your reader with something to wonder about
o a connection to your real life
o a brief statement of why your argument is important
o a prediction of what the future might be like if your advice is taken
o a prediction of what the future might be like if you advice is not taken
o a suggestion for the first step the reader should take to take action on your topic
Your Turn Writing A Conclusion!
Step 1: Write your declaration here:
________________________________________________________________
(transition)
(declaration)
________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Write your three reasons here:
________________________________________________________________
(transition)
(reason A)
_______________________________________________________________
(transition)
(reason B)
________________________________________________________________
(transition)
(reason C)
Step 3: Write something to think about here:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire
13
WRITING A ROUGH DRAFT
Write your rough draft on a separate piece of paper. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, and
perfect sentences – we can fix that in the revising and editing phases. When you are writing a rough
draft, you should make sure to get all of your ideas down on paper in a way that’s organized and easy
to understand.
Your rough draft should have five paragraphs:
1. Your Introduction: Go back to pages 6 and 7 and combine the three steps into one paragraph.
Your introduction should include:

Step 1: a hook

Step 2: your explanation of the issue

Step 3: your thesis statement
2. Body Paragraph 1: The first body paragraph should have your reason A from your thesis
and its supporting details.
3. Body Paragraph 2: The second body paragraph should have reason B from your thesis and
its supporting details.
4. Body Paragraph 3: The third body paragraph should have reason C from your thesis and
its supporting details.
5. Your Conclusion: Go back to page 8 and combine the three steps into one paragraph.
Your conclusion should include:

Step 1: your declaration

Step 2: your three reasons

Step 3: something to think about
"Reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it." —Paulo Freire