The Top 10 Rules for Civil
Behavior

Presented by Tim Tucker
Agenda
Theory
 Introduce Dr. Forni
 Paradigm shift
 Call to Action
Application
 Defined
– Notions exercise

Principles
– Assertion exercise


Rules
Discussion
P. M. Forni, Ph.D.


Teaches Italian
literature at Johns
Hopkins University
Studied at the
University of
Venice, the
University of Pavia
(’74) and UCLA
(’81)
Credits


P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The
Twenty-five Rules of Considerate
Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 2002
Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York,
Simon & Schuster, 1980
Paradigm Shift
How Can We Be Better
People?
Tim’s self-help formula
 Some deficit seems obvious
 Usually involves discomfort
 Works against our preferences
 Ends (goals) justify the means
 It’s hard to be successful
 There is always guilt and it’s easy to
quit
Civility As A Paradigm
Shift






Easily overlooked
Awareness as distinguished from effort
Kindness is natural
Like unlearning some of the “isms”
Changed my behavior cognitively,
dedication more important than work
I don’t think I can go back
Call to Action
Why Is Civility Important




I
I
I
I
think
think
think
think
we are all experts in civility
incivility seems inevitable
we can repossess civility
we need to
– For ourselves
– For our students

I am making a call to action
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study




Random sample of 400 Baltimore area
workers with 130 (32.5%) responding
67% felt society had become less civil
in the past year
25% felt the workplace was less civil
than a year ago
83% said it was “very important” to
work in a civil environment
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study
The most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace
Behavior was on the following
 Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s food
 Refusing to work hard on a team project
 Shifting blame to coworker for mistake
 Reading someone else’s mail
 Neglecting to say please/thank you
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study
“Violent Workplace Behavior”
 Pushing a co-worker, heat of argument
 Yelling at a co-worker
 Firing a subordinate, heat of argument
 Harshly criticizing a subordinate in
public
 Using foul language
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study
Responses to Incivility
 Discussed outside of workplace (88%)
 Discussed with co-workers (85%)
 Contemplated changing jobs (70%)
 Felt less commitment to company
(63%)
 Confronted the instigator (44%)
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study
Effects of Incivility
 Quality of life drops
 Quality of service drops
 Quality of product drops
 Stress rises
 People feel rushed
 Accident rates (W/C) rise
The Baltimore Workplace
Civility Study
Cost of Incivility
 Decreased work effort (37%)
 Work loss due to illness (9%)
 Healthcare/EAP (13%)

Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is
good for you.”
Definitions and Notions
Defined


From the Latin civitas, city
Life in the city was to have a
“civilizing” effect
How Civil Are We?


We are experts
It’s a great message even if the
messenger is conflicted
What Does Civility Mean to
You?

List the notions
Some Popular Notions of
Civility









Respect for others
Care
Consideration
Kindness
Fairness
Self-control
Tolerance
Etiquette
Peace









Community Service
Tact
Equality
Sincerity Honesty
Awareness
Trustworthiness
Listening
Compassion
Abiding by rules
Civility is in the Realm of
Ethics
According to Dr. Forni
 Being civil means being constantly
aware of others….”
 Civility is benevolent and thoughtful
relating to others
 Civility includes the well-being of our
communities, and the
 Health of the planet
Examples



Interpersonal
Community
Environment
Interpersonal







Please and Thank you
Lowering our voices
Considering our response
Acknowledging a newcomer to the
conversation
Listening to understand and help
Acknowledging our mistakes
Disagreeing with poise
Community







Welcome a new neighbor
Respect those who differ from us
Refuse to participate in gossip
Raise funds for a neighborhood
Stand on the right of an escalator
Make new coffee after taking last cup
Yield with grace when losing argument
Environment






Proper disposal of pollutants
Proper disposal of trash left by
someone else
Following traffic laws (safety, courtesy)
Kindness to animals
Turning out the lights
Turning off the faucet
Principles and Assertion
Principles





Relationship
Respect
Self-expression
Restraint
Assertion
Appeal To The Best in
People




Building relationships
Consider the feelings of others
Consider the comfort of others
Treat others the best way we know
how
Respect in Action


The “everyday practice” of “respect for
persons.”
“Harmonious and caring relationships
foster a happy life.”
Civility and SelfExpression

“Restraint offers a space between
intention and action and the
opportunity to protect others from
actions or reactions that should exist
only in your imagination.”
Stephanie Dowrick
Restraint


“Sometimes we confuse having fun
with being happy.”
“Restraint is the art of feeling good
later”
– Do I really want to do this?
– Is anybody going to be hurt by this?
– Will I like having done this?
Assertion Message
(Robert Bolton, 1982)





Is it in my space?
Using non-polarized (charged, valueladen) words, describe the behavior
And, tell how it made you feel
(State the cost/impact, if identifiable)
Repeat, if necessary
Assertion Exercises





The driver of a car parked next to you
bumps your door
A presentation runs over
Your boss makes a highly challenging
assignment and you are already busy
Your child bounces in your favorite chair
until it breaks
A group of students are noisy in the halls
when you are giving a tour
Rules





In the texts of all religions
Renaissance ideals
Philosophy works
Self-help books
Forni condenses these into 25 “rules”
“Top 10”
1. Pay Attention

Awareness of surroundings, students
colleagues
What is or could be happening?
How will we make it different?

Ex: Salt shaker


2. Acknowledge Others

We monitor our relationships
The invisibility game dismisses the
presence of others

Ex: Cutting in a line

3. Think The Best





What do we expect?
Goodness
Honesty
Could the young man standing in front
of the large home own it?
Tempered with the realism that your
opinions can change
4. Listen


How much time do we have for each
other?
Value the messenger
– Pay attention

Value the message
– Make sure we understand
Active Listening


Make listening the goal of the moment
Demonstrate your attention
– Eye contact
– Reflection
– Restatement

Co-operative
– Separating priorities
– Critical thinking, concluding questions
6. Speak Kindly







At the heart of civil behavior
Improves the lives around us
Are our words an improvement over
silence?
Permit others to speak in turn
Be aware of your non-verbals
Never yell at anybody
Never use profanities
7. Don’t Speak Ill



“Nobody ever gossips about other
people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand
Russell
“Politics on campus are so fierce
because the stakes are so small.”
George Brelsford, Rowan University
Response: Depart, silence, defend,
challenge
11. Mind Your Body







Remember non-verbal communication
We can offend with our bodies
Is our cologne a problem?
Keep fingers at a safe distance from your
mouth, ears and nose.
Keep your mouth closed when chewing
Never spit
Don’t scratch yourself
13. Keep it Down
(and Rediscover Silence)





Thinking about silence as a choice, not
as a void waiting to be filled
About preserving another’s peace
TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, leaf
blowers, car horns,
Places of worship, libraries,
restaurants, theaters
Campus, office, halls, classrooms
17. Assert Yourself
Expect to be treated in a civil manner
 Saying “no” to someone may be saying
“yes” to yourself
No phrases:
 No, thank you.
 No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.
 No, It’s not what I had in mind.
 No, I’m not comfortable with that.

19. Care for Your Guests





Guests need not earn our hospitality
What is the ethic of care in our
offices?
What expectations do we have of
staff?
How important are the people we
work with?
Guests can feel “at home” when
expected to take care of themselves.
Critical Thinking

Arrival





Is formality suspicious?
What is the state of altruism?
How prevalent is restraint today?
Is achievement at odds with civility?
What happens if we wait for civility?
The Rest of the Rules
5. Be Inclusive
A mindset
 How long have we held our beliefs?
 Choose conversation topics that can
be enjoyed by all
 Summarize for a newcomer
 Welcome a new neighbor
 Develop and demonstrate an interest
in other cultures
8. Accept and Give Praise







A compliment is a gift, accepted with
thanks
Assume that your feelings are
unknown
Pass them along
Word them specifically, with meaning
Make them sincere
Keep them simple
Avoid complimenting appearance
9. Respect Even a Subtle
“No”




“No” can be an answer
“No” is not always explicit
Avoid using our power to get a “yes”
Care enough about others not to make
our problem theirs
10. Respect Others’
Opinions




Tolerate opinions that differ from ours,
give them a fair hearing
Assume that the opinion of others may
differ from our own (politics)
Attacking an opinion may be viewed as
a personal attack
Is our campus a safe place to express
an opinion?
12. Be Agreeable





Have regard for others
Look for possibilities of agreement
Consider that you might be wrong
Admit that you don’t know (or that
you don’t have all the information you
need)
Practice the art of receiving
14. Respect Other People’s
Time






The time of others is as valuable as
yours
Arrive on time, do not hold friends
hostage
Keep telephone calls brief
Use call-waiting sparingly
Respect deadlines
Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting
for the sake of your convenience
15. Respect Other People’s
Space







Where is it? Be aware of their reaction
Keep touching to a minimum
Ask permission before entering
No tailgating
Avoid picking up objects and examining
them in a home or office
Avoid reading faxes, computer screens
Keep your articles off desktops of others
16. Apologize Earnestly

A sincere apology statement
– Identifies what we did
– Acknowledges it was wrong
– Conveys that we understand the effect
– Is not an excuse


It is not a way to explain away
inappropriate behavior
It may not be immediately wellreceived
18. Avoid Personal
Questions



Exercise discretion, hesitate to ask
Religion, politics, money, relationships,
health and appearance are private
We can object when privacy is threatened
– “I prefer not to discuss personal matters.”
– “This is not the time or place for this
discussion.”
– “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.”

Avoid volunteering the same information
20. Be a Considerate
Guest




Leave your host’s space as
undisturbed as possible
Respect your host’s time and workload
Treat your host’s work space like a
home
We are guests when we stay in a hotel
21. Think Twice
Before Asking for Favors
Questions to ask
 Do I need to ask this favor?
 Is the favor ethical?
 Does the favor put a third person at a
disadvantage?
 Would I be comfortable granting the
favor?
 Can I return the favor?
22. Refrain from Idle
Complaints




Avoid chronic complaining
Choose a positive workplace
A civil workplace is good for the
workers
Examine your chronic complaints and
expunge them at the rate of one a
month
23. Accept and Give
Constructive Criticism





Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is
probably not abuse. Can we learn
about ourselves?
Think about what can be learned
instead of building defenses
Provide criticism to help with a
problem, not to humiliate
Use assertion techniques
“Sandwich” the message
24. Respect the
Environment and be Gentle
to Animals

What is your work-space like?
– Free of litter
– Recycling practiced
– Resources conserved

Is there emotional wellness?
– Kindness
– Patience
– Reception
25.Don’t Shift
Responsibility and Blame




About the combination of self-respect
and respect for others
Apologies are made without rationales
Acknowledge the mistake or
inappropriate behavior
Remember the assertion exercise