Presented by:
Sara Ann Cameron B.F.A. (Hon), D.T. A.T.I.
Bereavement Services Coordinator
169 Front Street South, Orillia, ON, L3V 4S8
Phone: 705.325.0505
Fax: 705.325.7328
www.nsmhpcn.ca
Sara Cameron BFA, DTATI
Bereavement Services Coordinator
 Client care
 Design and implement
programs/commemorative events
 Provide education and resources to the
community
Inge Stothers RN, CHPCN (c)
Palliative Care Nurse Consultant
 Focus on supporting primary care providers
and residents and families in LTC (Orillia &
South Muskoka) and Retirement Homes
(South Muskoka)
So What Do the Terms Mean?
 Bereavement: the state of being “torn
apart”- something is irreversibly changed
and a new world begins
 Grief: A natural response to loss. The
internal process of integrating a loss into
one’s life- establishing a new normal
 Mourning: Grief gone public- the external
acknowledgement of grief (i.e: wearing
black, rituals/ceremonies, etc.)
Anticipatory Grief
 Kubler- Ross was actually describing the common
emotions experienced by someone who is dying
 There is a point in life when we realize we are mortal and
that we will die one day
The Invisible Wound
Everyone Who Loves, Grieves
“Grief is Love Transformed”
~Sameet Kumar (2005)
“Your experience of grief will be unique.
No one can tell you what the process will
be or how long it will take. Grief takes as
long as it takes”
~Fred Nelson, Canadian Virtual Hospice
The Grief Process
Much gratitude Kubler-Ross for what you’ve shown us!
We have grown so much in our understanding
from your pioneer theory!
Understanding the Place of the
5-Stage Theory…
 Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
 Descriptive NOT prescriptive!!!
 There is no one way
 Grief is not a linear progression where you somehow
“arrive” at “acceptance” and then it’s over…
 Grief is an oscillation process where you learn to
integrate your loss into your life
 You do have to allow yourself to grieve
Grief is a Journey, Not a Goal!
 Grief has been described as a labryith…you must move
inward, before you move outward…
 Though it seems that there are twists and turns and deadends, you are always moving forward…
Acknowledging the New World
 We must be gentle with ourselves as we develop a
new normal
 A new world without the physical presence of your
loved one or the way life used to be
 We cannot expect things to go back to the way they
were before, because they will never be the same
 We must relearn the world around us!!!
In my personal as well as professional experience,
everyone is changed by the experience of grief
~Alan Wolfelt
Why Does it Hurt So Much?
 Humans have the natural capacity to connect
at the soul level
 Bereavement literally translates to being “torn
apart”- this is what happens to our soul
 We may understand this as a “broken heart”
 With time and WORK, the pain will lessen
 Allow yourself to grieve, and for times not to
grieve
Fixing vs. Companioning
 “You should….” vs. “Can you tell me about your
experience with this loss?”
 Rather than give advice, just listen
 ‘Com’ translates to ‘with’, ‘pan’ to ‘bread’, so
to companion is to “break bread with an
equal”
Create an Image of Companion
So Why is Bereavement
Support Important?
 We all have good intention when we say
something to someone who is
grieving…but it is important to consider
how it sounds from their perspective
Understanding the Power and Meaning of Words….
What Not to Say…
 I know how you feel
 You should be grateful you
 You need to get over it
had a long life together
 At least they had a long
life
 You’re loved one wouldn’t
want you to…(experience
some emotion)
 You have to move on
 Don’t cry
 You have to be strong
 God can only give you as
much as you can handle
 It is God’s will
 They are in a better place
Using Our Words…What to Say…
 I am so sorry you are
experiencing this
 This must be so difficult for
you right now
 How are things for you in this
moment? How have things
been for you today?
 Wow, what an incredible
person that touched so many
lives
 I can tell you love them very




much…can you tell me about
them?
The pain doesn’t ever fully go
away, but it will lessen over
time as you let yourself grieve
You are entitled to grieve
You don’t get over a loss, you
get through it
Just be with them, silent,
present, let them express
their emotions
Some Other Things
to Keep in Mind…
 Mention their loved one by name
 Don’t be afraid to say that they died
The Concept
of the
Continued Relationship
Some people come into our lives
and quickly go. Some stay for a
while and leave footprints on our
hearts. And we are never, ever the
same
~Flavia Weedn
Silly Freud….
 It was Freud who got us all thinking that we
must break ties with our loved one and “move
on” investing our energy only on people living
physically in the world
 It was only at the end of his own life that he
realized and admitted that some losses are
irreconcilable
 The earlier concept still lingers in our ways of
thinking today…but we are starting to
acknowledge the continued relationship
Being Comfortable
with the Uncomfortable
 Silence is necessary sometimes.
 It helps us to:
-process
- reflect
- integrate something new
- give a chance to just be/companion someone
 Ground yourself, pay attention to breath
Learning & Teaching
Compassion
How Do You Draw in Support?
 Let them know what resources are available in the
community
 Invite them to initiate dialogue and ask for what they
need
 Let them know if things change, they can call anytime
Rituals and Commemorative Events
 Putting on a light
 Create a memory page
 Lighting a candle
 Create a collage of things
 Smudging/blessing a room
 Release a balloon with a

message
 Create a memory quilt or
memory bear
 Write about how their life
touched you/memories



that remind you of them
Open a window
Say a prayer
Write a condolence card
Start a sharing circle
Other Ways to Honour the Dead…
 Build a library
 Tee off once a year in their
 Name a wing
honour
Donate to their favourite
cause for their birthday
Fund a scholarship
Buy some bricks
Start a charity
 Plant a tree, or bulbs that
come up every year
 Name a star
 Adopt an animal
 Stitch a quilt




And…
 Record a song
 Observe a moment of
silence
 Paint them
 Learn something from
their death
Taking Care of Yourself
 Remember the importance of breath
 Eat well
 Exercise
 Cool glass of water
 Hot shower or bath
 Treat yourself to a relaxation massage, facial or
pedicure
 Call a friend
 Allow yourself to express emotion
Be gentle with yourself
Butterfly Story
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He
sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body
through that little hole….So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a
pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly
then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings…the
butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and
shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the
restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through
…so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the
cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we went
through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be
as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
~Author Unknown
Let’s Take a Moment
to Breath…
References
Hospice Victoria
Select slides borrowed from Cori Johnson and Sue Martin
Kumar, S. M. Grieving mindfully: A compassionate and spiritual
guide to coping with loss. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning reconstruction and the
experience of loss. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological
Association.
References (con’t)
Neimeyer, R. A. (2014). Techniques of grief therapy: Creative
practices for counselling the bereaved. Presented at Marquis
Gardens, Hamilton, Ont.
Taylor, K. (2014). Well-intentioned people say dumb things.
Presented at Sharon-Hope United Church, Sharon, Ont.
Wolfelt, A. D. (2006). Companioning the bereaved: A soulful
guide for caregivers. Fort Collins, CO. Companion Press.
Contact Info
For any further information or inquires, please contact:
Hospice Orillia
www.hospiceorillia.ca
Phone: 705.325.0505