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WRITING SAMPLE
The Effects of Infidelity: Is Divorce a result of Extramarital Affairs?
Shane Moore
HDFS 315Y
Research Proposal
Penn State-York
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Abstract
This paper looks at infidelity and whether infidelity leads to divorce and under what
circumstances. It discusses research that focuses on infidelity and the causes of infidelity. The
references that were used for this paper evaluates personal views and thoughts regarding
infidelity, how to avoid infidelity if possible and what leads up to infidelity which is the 3rd
leading cause of divorce.
Effects of Infidelity
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Roughly 6000 couples daily are joined into holy matrimony. Out of the 6000 that are
married each day at least half of the couples end up in divorce proceedings. There are many
reasons why a couple ends up in divorce proceedings. Lack of communication, irreconcilable
differences, money and or infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg.
The two biggest reasons for
divorce are money and infidelity. The most damaging is infidelity. Depending on who is being
asked, infidelity is the betrayal of all betrayals.
Infidelity breaks the, breaks the trust and breaks
the bond that two people have developed. Is infidelity the cause of divorce or is it just a
symptom of what is actually wrong with the marriage leading into divorce.
What is Marriage?
Amaato, and Previti (2003) suggest that marriage means something different to the
couples entering marriage but the general meaning is the union of two people coming together as
one and every aspect of their lives become one. Marriage can be viewed from multiple
perspectives depending on the individual, but should be comprised of love, respect, trust,
communication and understanding.
What is Infidelity?
Simply put, infidelity is a breach of contract, the marital contract. Marriage vows mean
something different to each and every couple. Depending on the couple or individual the
ultimate meaning of marriage is trust, faithfulness, commitment and loving each other until death
do you part. Infidelity is when one of these, if not all has been broken or neglected and can
cause marital distress.
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Forms of Infidelity
Committing adultery is only one form of infidelity. There is physical, mental, and
emotional infidelity. Physical infidelity is one or both parties have sexual relationships outside
the marriage. This type of infidelity is the most difficult to resolve within the marriage. Mental
infidelity is not letting go of the past so the future and the marriage are the main priority.
Emotional infidelity is when one spends time with another person, giving attention to another
outside of the marriage but not becoming physical. There is a new form of infidelity; cyber
infidelity which is seeing someone over the internet. Sexting is also a form of infidelity.
Depending on the individual all are just as damaging as the next.
Marriage and Leading Causes of Infidelity
According to Blow and Hartnett (2005) most couples face the question of infidelity at
some point in their marriage or committed relationship. How one views infidelity depends on
one's culture, attitudes towards infidelity, values that have been taught from a child to adulthood,
previous relationships and one's own personal fears. Most couples before marriage do not have
the conversation about infidelity out of fear for what they may or may not hear. This is due to
lack of communication from the beginning. According to Doherty(2013) out of the 6000 couples
married daily at least 40%- 50% will end in divorce due to lack of communication. When
couples do not have good premarital communication skills more than likely these skills will not
be in the marriage.
According to Zur (2013) it was once thought infidelity was composed only
of men and suggest that this is no longer true and just as many women commit adultery as men,
but for different reasons. Zur (2013) also suggest that infidelity is not the cause of divorce and
that once infidelity has been committed that it can be worked through. More women than men
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are more likely to commit adultery as a last resort and some studies suggest that women take
infidelity more seriously than men.
Blow, Hartnett (2005) suggest that the causes of infidelity are hard to pin point because
of the many different variations of infidelity. Blow, Hartnett (2013) also suggest that there are
many reasons why infidelity exists in a marriage. The lack of communication, incompatibility,
conflict, growing in different directions, mental illness, work, and forgetting why they fell in
love in the first place; assuming this is the reason the marriage took place to begin with. In most
cases infidelity does not just happen; it is a combination of things that lead to infidelity. There is
no cause for infidelity is a choice. Markman, Rhoades, Stanley, Ragan, and Whitton (2007)
suggest that non communication is the biggest factor and that the negatives in the marriage
outweigh the positives in the marriage. They are not indicating that there are more negatives
than positives, but simply that the focus is on the negatives more than the positives leading to a
stressed marriage. According to Balderrama-Durbin and Rhoades(2010), 22%-25% of men
commit some form of infidelity compared to 11%-15% of women and out of this range of men
and women the reason for the infidelity was problems within the marriage. Unhappy couples are
likely to engage in the blaming game such as criticism, name calling, not accepting responsibility
for anything that goes wrong in the marriage and contempt for the other person. By this stage
the infidelity has already taken place and the couples now enter the stage which is known as
demand and withdrawal behavior where the wife usually demands change from her husband and
the husband withdraws from the wife. Excellent premarital communications, trust, respect and
good conflict resolution leads to a good marriage.
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Does infidelity lead to divorce?
Infidelity is the 3rd largest reason for divorce and according to Whisman, Gordon and
Chatav (2007) infidelity is the most damaging and the hardest form of betrayal to overcome and
that sexual infidelity is a huge problem for most married couples and committed relationships.
Personal views, individual differences and even different personalities can lead to infidelity.
According to Doherty (2013) at least 10%-15% of married woman and 20%-25% of married men
admit to having extra marital affairs and this nearly doubles the chance of divorce.
Effects of Infidelity
According to Doherty (2013) there are three stages of infidelity, suspected infidelity,
confirmed infidelity, and healing and recovery. Infidelity does not have to end the marriage, but
rather the underlying issues that lead to the infidelity. Doherty (2013) states that at least 63% of
married couples would not forgive their spouse for infidelity, meaning the marriage would not
survive. If you cannot forgive your spouse for infidelity; than a couple cannot begin to work on
the issues that led to the infidelity in the first place. In order for the marriage to survive infidelity
there are meaningful steps that must take place to heal the marriage. After infidelity is
recognized in the relationship there are several stages that couples go through, bouts of shock,
then the hurt comes and then the anger. Obsessions start to control one's mind along with fear,
mistrust, hopelessness and powerlessness; these feelings are all felt by the betrayed because they
have no control over anything that has taken place. The betrayer may feel a sign of relief,
shamefulness, fear and anger, anger over the end of and problems within the marriage that they
cannot get passed, while others want to try whatever it takes to correct and heal the marriage.
Doherty (2013) suggests that the best way to deal with infidelity is to internalize it, meaning
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accept it, process it, forgive and move on. But, that is easier said than done. The couples are then
left with seeking professional help and because seeking professional help is the best option.
Every thought, every communication and every feeling needs to be positive and constructive at
this point. Learning what caused the problems in the marriage that lead to the infidelity is the
best and is the starting point. Most betrayed do not want to hear that they had some fault, not in
the infidelity but in the breakdown of the marriage. In order to stop this cycle and the break
down in the marriage Raithwaite, Lambert, Finchman and Pasley (2010) suggest that relationship
education is in order and designed to help couples become productive, positive and stable within
the marriage and as individuals. Blow,Hartnett (2005) suggest that during therapy different
avenues should be explored; ones social economic status, personal and religious views, and
educational background. Studying all these different factors helps the therapist devise a plan of
action for the couples. Blow, Hartnett (2005) also suggest that infidelity is preventable in most
cases if the issues can be addressed premarital or during the early stages when conflicts can not
be resolved.
Conclusion
Infidelity has been in existence since biblical times and in the last 50 years or so has
become more prevalent. But infidelity is not actually what causes marriages to end. There are
most always under lying factors that leads up to infidelity. Infidelity is still a conscious act on
the part of the betrayer and can almost always be avoided. The betrayed never causes the act of
infidelity rather lack of communication, personal differences, lack of respect and lack of trust,
insecurities, and differences of opinions leads to infidelity.
References
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Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2012). The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a
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Amato, P. R. and Hohmann-Marriott, B. (2007). A Comparison of High- and Low-Distress
Marriages That End in Divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3): 621–638. doi:
10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00396.x
Balderrama-Durbin, C., Allen, E. S., & Rhoades, G. K. (2012). Demand and withdraw behaviors
in couples with a history of infidelity. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(1), 11-17. doi:
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Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships ii: A substantive review.
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*Braithwaite, S. R., Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., & Pasley, K. (2010). Does college-based
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http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson3.pdf
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Markman, H. J., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Ragan, E. P., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). The
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Whisman, M. A., & Snyder, D. K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of american
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http://www.zurinstitute.com/infidelity.html#phases