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Mi Mi Shi Htun
Instructor: Teddy Chocos
Seminar 126G
4/3/2013
There are multiple relationships in the world and we come in contact with each type step
by step as we get older. Whether it is good or bad, the very first and unbreakable relationship that
we all have is the relationship between parents and children. Every parent has his or her own
perspective of being a parent; they could be restrict, controlling every aspects of the child’s life,
or neglect and be absent in the children’s lives. There are also abusive parents who would assault
and criticize on children’s behavior and actions. What impacts does it have on the child when the
parents have inappropriate expectations? How would an absence of parents in the child’s life
affect his later stages of life?
It could be said that being a parent is the most complex and difficult job in the world;
there are no exact rules to control the children, nor there are any instructions to determine the
exact role a parent should play in the child’s growth; it depends on the personal view and social
circumstances such as culture and tradition of how a parent should be. Maintaining a positive and
close relationship is very important for the development of the children’s personality and identity.
Parents should not be too restrict or loosen on the things that are happening in their children’s
lives.
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There is no perfection in the world; so as the parents. They are not perfect, sometimes
they miss parent-teacher meetings, and sometimes they forget what they have promised to their
children and so on, but that doesn’t mean they are bad parents. Parents tend to shape their
children’s social behavior from the moment they learn to talk. In some cultures, parents are
believed to have expectations since the pregnancy period. In some cases, parents hate their
children the because of the incidences even before they were born. There are different types of
parents in the world; authoritarian parents who are very strict on the children and have a high
demand of obedience, there are parents who are nurturing, caring and reliable, and there are
parents who abuse or neglect their children.
E. B. White was an American writer who started his professional career by writing in
New Yorker magazine in 1920s and had published numerous books. In “Once More to the Lake”,
he wrote about the childhood memories he had with his father when they used to visit the lake in
Maine. By reflecting those memories and that everything seems to remain the same, “the small
waves were the same, the boat was the same boat, the same color green and the ribs broken in the
same places”, “the years were a mirage and there had been no years” except the noisier boats that
disturb the peaceful nature of the lake, he found a great joy yet he has to struggle with the
position he is in; being a son and a father himself.
White didn’t write about the interactions between him and the son and show how much
he cares about his son. However, readers can feel the love and caring he had received from his
own father. He portrayed detailed descriptions of the things around the lake and the unforgettable
memories suggest that he must received unconditional love from his father. Having state that, he
must have been a good father himself. He wanted his son to have all those wonderful memories
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he once had with his father. The fear of death he had when he was looking at his son by the
lakeside. "I watched him, his hard little body, skinny and bare, saw him wince slightly as he
pulled up around his vitals the small, soggy, icy garment. As he buckled the swollen belt
suddenly my groin felt the chill of death." He felt the chill of death even though his son was not
in danger; this shows how much he is concerned about his little boy.
Some parents have “unrealistic parental expectations” when they set expectations that are
clearly beyond the child’s capability. “The resulting frustration caused by the child’s noncompliance is believed to function as a contributory if not necessary cause of child abuse”.
Physical violation of parents is not the only term that is used to describe child abuse; it is also the
pressures they insert on the children of their dreams regardless of the child’s competence.
Parents who control their children are those who think their children are socially immature than
others in the society. Their desire to get involved with their children’s lives is beyond the role of
the parent; they want their kids to do everything they wish they had done.
Amy Tan was a Chinese descendant who was born in Oakland, California and a great
writer who is famous for her work on mother-daughter. Being born in an Asian family and living
in the Western culture, Tan had to overcome many difficulties concerning the traditional
characterization of a daughter’s role and the expectancy of her mother. Compare to Western
culture, Asian parents have more rules and regulations, and they tend force their children in their
direction. Moreover, Tan’s mother, who “believed you could be anything you wanted to be in
America” (Tan, Two Kinds. 77), incorporated even more expectations on Tan. She took Tan to a
beauty training school, she would have plentiful of tests for her every night after dinner, she
would read out some stories to Tan in order to make her feel like she has to be successful like
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those characters in the stories, to be a genius. The mother again forced her to take piano lesson
after she heard a girl play it on the “The Ed Sullivan Show”. Later in the story when she was
talking to lady who has a daughter the same age as Tan, there was a sense of competition of
whose daughter is better than the other. The question remains, was the mother forcing her to take
piano lessons and all these other stuff for Tan’s own good? Or was it because of her pride?
When Tan refused to take any further instructions from her mother, she said “Only two
kinds of daughter, those who are obedient and those who follow their own mind. Only one kind
of daughter can live in this house. Obedient daughter”. There is no communication between the
mother and daughter. She never listens to Tan or gives her a chance to express herself and what
she wants to be. Tan’s mother controls all the choices and makes decisions on behalf of her
daughter regardless of Tan’s willingness to participate. Therefore, controlling parents could also
be considered as abusing parents although they don’t have physical violations. “The
inappropriately high expectations, however, might result in active abuse.” (Twentyman, Plotkin,
501). It is the mental abuse that children suffer when parents force the children to pursue their
unreached dreams.
It is understandable when parents miss little things in their children’s lives. However,
neglecting the whole process of child’s development is not acceptable. Raymond Carver was an
American short story writer and a poet, he wrote about the misfortunes about his father’s life in
1984. From the description Carver gave of his father, he was a drunkard who changed his jobs
over and over, who had no responsibility for his family. It is obvious that his father didn’t
participate in his childhood development since he was always drunk and moving from place to
place.
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Like White, Carver didn’t mention about the detailed relation between him and his
parents. He was just talking about the past mistakes that his father made and the absent of the
dad position in his life. However, the father did make a comeback after several years of
neglecting the family and Carver forgives him for what he had done because he also sees himself
in his father. The parent-child relationship is the bonding that could never be broken even though
if parents are absent in their child’s life.
Parents play a major role in children’s lives; they should be involved in their child’s
growth in a positive sense, even the insignificant or small things can give warmth to a child.
Imagine how our society would turn out to be without the proper care from our parents.
Consequently, the bond between parent and child need to be strong. In spite of controlling,
abusing, or neglecting their children, parents should control and remind themselves of where to
get involved or when to give children space for growth.
Parents could control the choices that they want their kids to make in order to glue them into
the right path. However, they should let the children decide within the choices they have given to
them. Parents need to be a role-model for their children, have intimate relationship with them
and actively participating but not over-controlling their children’s lives. They should give
attention when needed, accept and be satisfied with the way the children are and respect their
decisions.
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