Day #8 of 8
Expectations,
Emotions &
Relationship
Success
Roster:
Please verify your
information and check
next to your name.
Handouts:
Please pick up a copy
of today’s handouts.
http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm
1
The Psychology of Love & Loss
Expectations, Emotions &
Relationship Success
Day #8 of 8
The effect of our expectations on our
emotions
How gratitude relieves stress and how a
sense of entitlement increases stress
Characteristics of successful
relationships
(Shelly Gable, Judith Wallerstein, John Gottman)
…but first:
Item #13 on today’s page
Motivating Change in Relationships:
Can Prayer Increase Forgiveness?
Yes.
3
The Plane of Possibility
Emotions,
intentions,
images,
memories,
thoughts
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
The Plane of Possibility
Peaks may
be
triggered
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
The effect of
our expectations
on
our emotions
How our happiness is
affected by
our sense of entitlement
versus
our sense of gratitude
B
=
f(P
x
E)
B = f(P x E)
Behavior = function of
(the Person x the Environment)
Emotion = function of
(the Person’s Expectations x
the Environmental Outcome)
B = f(P x E)
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
My Prior Expectation
B = f(P x E)
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
How our happiness is
affected by
our sense of entitlement
versus
our sense of gratitude
A Sense of
Entitlement
B = f(P x E)
How I
Perceive
The
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
A Sense of
Entitlement
B = f(P x E)
How I
Perceive
The
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed,
Sad
HIGH EXPECTATIONS 1 OF 2
22
HIGH EXPECTATIONS 2 OF 2
23
A Sense of
Gratitude
B = f(P x E)
How I
Perceive
The
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
A Sense of
Gratitude
B = f(P x E)
How I
Perceive
The
Actual
Outcome
Good
“This
actually
ended well!”
Bad
“This
actually
ended
badly!”
My Prior Expectation
Good
“This should end
well!”
Bad
“This should end
badly!”
Perceived Cause
The Person
Good Skill
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Good Luck
Emotion
Emotion
Surprised, Guilt
Happy, Proud,
Grateful
Perceived Cause
The Environment
Bad Luck
Perceived Cause
The Person
Bad Skill
Emotion
Surprised, Angry
Disappointed, Sad
Emotion
Resigned
Depressed
The Plane of Possibility
Peaks
may be
triggered
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Peaks
may be
triggered
Entitled
Grateful Grateful
Entitled
The Plane of Possibility
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Entitled
Grateful Grateful
Entitled
The Plane of Possibility
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Cognitions
Emotions
Overt Behavior
29
Cognitions*Emotions*Overt Behavior
What thoughts do we have, and
how do we feel when
we criticize someone?
How does the other person feel?
Cognitions*Emotions*Overt Behavior
What thoughts do we have, and
how do we feel when
we praise someone or
express our gratitude to them?
How does the other person feel?
Gottman’s Ratio
The proportion of
praise & gratitude comments
relative to
criticism comments
32
Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success
When a relationship is in crisis.
5:1
5 words of praise or gratitude
for every
1 criticism
Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success
When a relationship is not in crisis.
8:1
8 words of praise or gratitude
for every
1 criticism
Let’s take the time to be kind to
ourselves, and to others, and
increase our relationship success.
Our memories are imperfect, but
we can keep Gottman’s ratio in
mind.
8:1
May I be kind enough to
offer this ratio to myself.
Item #6 on today’s page
Don't Let the
Spirit Crushers
Get You Down
By
ROBIN ABCARIAN
Los Angeles Times
September 18, 1994
37
Item #10 on today’s page
Cheerleader Partners
Shelly Gable and her colleagues videotaped
79 couples taking turns discussing positive
and negative events in their lives. Partner
responses were coded as being one of four
types.
38
Types of Partner Response
after hearing about a girlfriend’s promotion.
• Energetic, destructive response
“Are you sure you can handle all that responsibility?”
• Passive, destructive response
Changing the subject.
• Energetic, constructive response
“You really deserve it. You’ve been working hard for
that promotion.”
• Passive, constructive response
“That’s nice, dear.”
39
Participants reported the
highest levels of
relationship satisfaction
when their partners’
responses to their personal
achievements
tended to be energetically
constructive.
Cheerleader Partners
40
Energetically
constructive:
“You really deserve it.
You’ve been working
so hard
for that promotion.”
Cheerleader Partners
41
What’s more,
positive-event support predicted
relationship satisfaction better than
compassionate responses to
disappointing news.
“When you are talking about a
negative event...the best your partner
can do is bring you back to an average
state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.
42
What’s more,
positive-event support predicted
relationship satisfaction better than
compassionate responses to
disappointing news.
“When you are talking about a
negative event...the best your partner
can do is bring you back to an average
state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.
43
GOTTMAN’S RATIO
8:1
Kind Praise:Criticism
44
A “Language” Reminder:
45
CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE
LANGUAGES
♥ Words of Affirmation
♥ Quality Time
♥ Receiving Gifts
♥ Acts of Service
♥ Physical Touch
46
Loneliness
47
Loneliness
ITEM # 27 On Today’s Information Page:
Lynch, J.J. (1977). The broken heart: The medical
consequences of loneliness. New York: Basic Books,
Inc.
48
Loneliness:
Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale
49
Loneliness:
Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
R
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
N
…I am unhappy doing so many things alone
…I have nobody to talk to
…I cannot tolerate being so alone
…I lack companionship
…I feel as if nobody really understands me
…I find myself waiting for people to call or write
…There is no one I can turn to
…I am no longer close to anyone
…My interests and ideas are not shared by those around
…I feel left out
…I feel completely alone
…I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around
…My social relationships are superficial
…I feel starved for company
50
Loneliness
Promotes Inflammation
During Acute Stress
Item # 14 On Today’s Information Page
51
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science
2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Fig. 1. Results from Study 1: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha
(TNF-α) and (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6) as a function of measurement time and loneliness (low = 1
SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science
2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science
2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Fig. 2. Results from Study 2: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha
(TNF-α), (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6), and (c) interleukin-1 beta (IL-1β) as a function of measurement
time and loneliness (low = 1 SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science
2013;0956797612464059
Definitions of Love
“When someone loves you,
the way they say your
name is different. You just
know that your name is
safe in their mouth.”
Billy - age 4
56
Definitions of Love
“You really shouldn't say
'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should
say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica - age 8
57
Being Mindful
…in times of conflict,
maintain a mindful awareness of
your moral center.
Stop the clock for a moment to
acknowledge,
“I love you.”
58
Item #12 on today’s page
It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a
booster shot for romantic relationships
Gratitude Expressed
• The Gratitude Visit
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
William Arthur Ward
The 3 Primary Domains of the Human Experience
 Cognition
Emotion
Overt Behavior
…and a field test
TODAY’S LIST
62
TODAY’S LIST
63
TODAY’S LIST
64
May the open place
in our hearts
serve as an entrance.
Thank you for the beauty
of our days together!
The End.
65