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Defining Disorder Defying Perfection
Breakfast
There were days my little sister told us that she had already eaten at her friend’s
house and she wasn’t hungry. I knew she had been loosing weight, but I didn’t give it
much thought; people are always loosing and gaining weight. The single thing that I
noticed the most was that she was miserable.
I remember it was Christmas—my family’s favorite holiday. The “happiest time
of the year.” But not this year. Instead of waking up filled with excitement to open
presents, I woke up to the sounds of hysterical crying. I rushed into my sister’s room to
find that my parents were already there. When we asked her what was wrong she would
only say, “I’m so fat and ugly.”
For the past year or so she had been constantly saying things like, “I hate you,
stop lying to me, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I going to kill myself.” Any form of disagreement and
she just cried louder.
Half and hour of this and I might have just brushed it off as her being a teenager.
But, it lasted hours. She refused to eat Christmas dinner with us until she ran her daily
three miles. That was when my parents told me they had taken her to a therapist and that
she had anorexia.
I had known something was wrong, but I did not want to admit it. I had hoped it
was a phase she would go through and get over. I remember not wanting to believe it. I
went to her room to talk to her, but she was taking a shower. As I waited for her, I sat
down on her bed. My hands were dry so I reached for her jar of Burt’s Bees hand lotion
to use.
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But when I opened it, it was full of razor heads.
In recent years, there has been a massive increase in eating disorders—especially
in teenagers. But what are eating disorders exactly? I know of anorexia, bulimia, and
obesity. But if I refuse to eat any fatty food because I want to loose weight is it an eating
disorder? What if I don’t eat green vegetables because I don’t like the taste? Once, when
I was little, I bit into a blueberry and found half of a worm inside—I didn’t eat
blueberries for years afterwards. Is this a form of an eating disorder?
According to the National Eating Disorders Association, “Eating disorders -- such
as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder -- include extreme emotions, attitudes,
and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional
and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and
males.” (National Eating Disorders Association, 2005) They neatly separate eating
disorders into four categories: anorexia nervosa (characterized by self-starvation and
excessive weight loss), bulimia nervosa (characterized by secretive cycle of binge eating
followed by purging), binge eating disorder (characterized primarily by periods of
uncontrolled, impulsive, or continuous eating beyond the point of feeling comfortably
full), and other eating disorders (can include some combination of the signs and
symptoms of all three disorders). (National Eating Disorders Association, 2005)
Then, there is disordered eating. (Yes, it is different from an eating disorder.)
Disordered eating includes the behaviors seen in eating disorders such as anorexia and
bulimia, chronic restrained eating, compulsive eating and habitual dieting. It includes
irregular eating patterns and physical hunger is often ignored. (NEDIC, 2011)
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Truthfully, I don’t think it’s possible to give one correct definition of an eating
disorder. There are so many different types in addition to the fact that everyone has their
own unique circumstances.
My family went to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders, and she
explained to us what an eating disorder was. Therapists need definitions. Most of their
patients or rather, the families of the patients, want to be told what exactly they are
dealing with, in order to learn how to make things better.
I’m not a therapist. I’m just trying to better understand my sister. I want to
understand how life is different and hard for her, so that I can try to make it easier. For
this purpose, I need a definition.
Because the only experience I have had with eating disorders has been from living
with my sister, my definition might be different than those of “experts.” I also previously
equated ‘eating disorder’ with ‘anorexia’, but I understand now that there are hugely
varying types. Because of this, my current definition differs from my initial definition.
Now, I would define an eating disorder as an obsession with food and a relationship with
food that controls your life.
Control. Control is powerful and cunning. If my sister were to give a definition of
her eating disorder when it initially began, I think she would say that it was her taking
total control of her body. My parents no longer told her what to eat and how to exercise.
My sister believed that she was in control; that she was the one who chose not to eat and
decided when to exercise. But the food was controlling her. She was always thinking
about it. If she were hungry she would exercise to eliminate the hunger so that she
wouldn’t eat. If she did eat, she would have to exercise accordingly to make sure she
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burned off every calorie. She couldn’t even listen to the weather report without thinking
about wearing a lighter jacket because “shivering burns calories.”
Lunch
When I was little, my father used to tell my sisters, and I “Don’t eat too much—
you’ll get a stomach ache,” and other sayings to that accord. My parents taught me about
food. Since they fed me for most of my life, it would seem likely that they have thus
influenced my diet the most. However, I think that cultural society and media has been
most influential in shaping my perception of food.
Culture and media are a large part of most human’s lives. They are also large
factors contributing to eating disorders. The United States has very specific ideals for
body image. However, outside of America, eating disorders are not as common due to the
variations of beauty ideals. (Merry and Pumariega, “Eating Disorders: Culture and Eating
Disorders”)
In different cultures, food is used in greeting people you have not seen for a long
time. For example, in South Korea, when greeting people you have not seen for a long
time it is common to say, “Oh, you’ve gained weight” or, “oh, you’ve lost weight.”
Neither is meant in a malicious way, just a form of greeting.
Dr. Miller and Dr. Pumariega are professors in the department of psychiatry at the
James H. Quillen College of Medicine, East Tennessee State University. They have
found that, “Anorexia nervosa has been described as a possible "culture-bound
syndrome," with roots in Western cultural values and conflicts (Prince, 1983)…Historical
and cross-cultural experiences suggest that cultural change, itself, may be associated with
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increased vulnerability to eating disorders, especially when values about physical
aesthetics are involved.” Culture shift itself can lead to an increase in eating disorders.
Eula Biss, a writer, said, “The distinction between test results that are normal or
abnormal is often determined by how far the results differ from the mean…” (Biss, 177)
These days, numbers or categories distinguish everything. Someone has to ‘fit’ into one
or the other. What happens when you can’t fit? Differing from the mean is considered
abnormal. Being abnormal can lead to bullying and depression. My sister was depressed.
Depression and eating disorders often go hand-in-hand; depression causes eating
disorders and eating disorders cause depression. It is not healthy to constantly be striving
for normality. People become fixated on perfection both physically and with regards to
food.
These problems exist for pets as well. Sitting in the room waiting for the vet, I
look at the informational posters on the wall. There is a sign displaying ‘how to tell if
your pet is healthy and is eating well.’ It is broken down into only three categories.
Underweight. Healthy. Overweight.
Do animals think about dieting? Do they stress-eat? No. They follow their natural
instincts. They listen to their bodies, and don’t get tangled in the psychological web of
food and health.
When you walk into a spider web, even hours later you still feel the wisps and
strands clinging no matter how hard you try to shake them off. Tiny, gossamer threads
connecting you to the one thing that is tearing you away from everyone and everything
you care about. My sister is still caught and is struggling to get out of the web.
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My father was a police officer for twenty-five years. He was always trying to
protect my sisters and I. But, in the end he couldn’t protect us from ourselves.
Dinner
Over the past year and a half, my sister has gained back the weight she lost. But,
she now faces the opposite problem: binge eating. When she eats, she doesn’t know when
to stop. It is extremely difficult for her to have a normal, healthy relationship with food
because she hasn’t had one for so long.
The therapist and nutritionist tell my sister to eat until she is full. But how does
anyone really know when that is? Only my sister would truly know. Or would she? Your
sense of fullness is mostly mental. You could tell yourself that you are full, and make
yourself believe it.
Hunger. The first few hours are fine. Then hour four. Concentration starts to fade.
Hour five. Stomach is unhappy. Hour six. The feeling starts to become unbearable. All
thoughts on food. Hour seven. Have to ignore it. Distractions erase feeling. And with
hunger, if your mind is strong enough, you can eliminate the feeling completely.
Hunger can be both good and bad. It can be uncomfortable, dreaded, and ignored;
but if accepted and listened to it can be satisfying, energizing, and motivating.
Types of hunger. The hunger of stress. The hunger of pain. The hunger of
loneliness. The hunger of depression. The hunger of love. The hunger of happiness. The
hunger of relaxation. The hunger of boredom. The hunger for knowledge. The hunger for
acceptance. The hunger for food.
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Before anorexia, my sister was relaxed and carefree. Even now, after a
nutritionist, a therapist, and a trip to the hospital, she constantly worries about meals. If
she goes a day where she eats a substantial amount of food, but doesn’t get to exercise,
she gets upset. Mentally, walls go up. She can’t talk to me about it. I don’t understand.
But, I am trying to understand. This attempt itself is making all the difference. At
first I thought it would be better to let her figure it out for herself and quietly look out or
her; she likes being independent. But, now I think I should be more active in supporting
her. I do feel like I understand my sister better. I recognize what she is dealing with, and
can try to help her more effectively than before. Even though my perception of food has
changed, it is still confused. There is so much to consider, and an overwhelming amount
of it is subjective.
Now, My father tells my sisters and I, “Make sure you eat enough, you need your
energy.” It’s the opposite of what he used to say. But, it’s actually exactly the same.
He means ‘I love you, so love yourself and take care of yourself.’
My sister has her up and down days. Even though it’s hard, she keeps fighting. She wants
to be “normal” again. She keeps going, day by day.
After dinner, you go to sleep. The day is over. Then, you wake up and it’s a new
day. Even if you messed up yesterday, you have a chance to make it up; redo it. You can
change or adjust your lifestyle and mindset before its too late.
Time for breakfast.
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Works Cited
Biss, Eula. “The Pain Scale.” Ways of Reading: An Anthology for
Writers. Eds. David Bartholomae and Anthony Petrosky. 9th ed. New York:
Bedford/St. Martin’s, 2011. 171-182. Print.
Miller, Merry N., M.D., and A. Pumariega, M.D. "Eating Disorders: Culture and Eating
Disorders." HealthyPlace.com. N.p., 2000. Web. 28 Sept. 2012.
<http://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/articles/eating-disorders-cultureand-eating-disorders/>.
"National Eating Disorders Association." National Eating Disorders Association.
Http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/, n.d. Web. 22 Oct. 2012.
<http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/>.
"NEDIC. Information for Eating Disorders and Weight Preoccupation." National Eating
Disorder Information Centre. N.p., 2011. Web. 23 Oct. 2012.
<http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/definitions.shtml>.