Chapter8- Revising Your
Rough Draft
9622097A Roger
9610801A Patrick
Josh
9610905A Rita
8a Principles of Revision
• Revision is partly a psychological and
partly a mechanical process.
• Psychological: The kind of adaptation of
language and grammar to fit a particular
audience.
8a Principles of Revision
• Example:
• Every teacher wants his students to get
good grades.
• (The problem of the pronoun→ sexist)
• Suggestion
• All teachers want their students to get
good grades.
8a Principles of Revision
• Mechanical: The revision of the big and
little miscues and mistakes.
• The kind of errors:
• 1. Grammatical errors
• 2. The details of paragraphs are tedious.
• 3. The contents which are too weak should
find more data to support.
8a-1 Rereading your writing
• All revision is based on rereading
• The time of rereading your text should be
at least three times.
8a-2 Revising the paper from
biggest to smallest
• Many instructors ask students to work their
revision from the biggest to smallest.
• It can make the act of revision methodical.
• You can not only find the bigger mistakes
and ignore the smaller mistakes (such as
the misspelled words).
8b Revising the opening paragraph
• Check your opening paragraph to see
whether your beginning is sprightly
enough to attract your reader.
• Check the thesis to be sure that it is not
muddled or vague
8b-1 Revising the introduction
• The opening paragraph contains an
introduction and a thesis.
• Introduction→ the initial sentences of the
opening paragraph.
• Thesis→ the final sentence of the opening
paragraph.
8b-1 Revising the introduction
• A. Use a quotation
• 1. It can plunge into your thesis immediately.
• 2. The quotation can be a well-known saying
or any comment which is related to your
thesis.
• 3. The quotation need to be suitable and can
lead naturally to your thesis.
• B. Ask a question
• It can let you to lead your readers to the
direction you want to go.
• C. Present an illustration
• 1. To use the anecdotes or examples are
the popular openings.
• 2. These kinds of openings are the truth,
so it is also easy to convince the readers.
8b-2 Check that your paragraphs
follow the sequence of topics in the
thesis
• The sequence of the paragraph should
follow the points of your thesis statement.
• The order also needs to consider that the
same kind of points need to write
continuous; otherwise, the readers will be
confused.
• Example:
• Although drugs do effectively lower
cholesterol and reduce the risk of heart
attack or stroke (1), many serious side
effects that include headache (2) and
muscle pain (3), severe allergic reactions
that effect breathing (4) and even
permanent damage to the liver (5) and
inflammation of the pancreas (6).
• Original order: 1>2>3>4>5>6
• To let readers read easily: 1>2>3>6>5>4
• The sequences of the example:
• 1. An introduction to cholesterol-reducing
drugs that lower the risk of heart attack
and stroke.
• 2. Headache as a side effect
• 3. Muscle pain as a side effect
• 4. Pancreatic inflammation as a side effect
• 5. Liver damage as a side effect
• 6. Allergic reactions that affect breathing.
8b-3 Revising the body paragraphs
• It’s better that the information be
organized in tidbits of shorter paragraphs.
8b-4 Check paragraph transitions
• They must be linked to one another by
more than simple sequence, but by the
locomotion of common theme, idea, or
argument.
8c Revising sentences for variety
and style
• Variety is easy to recognize and define
• Style is not easy to pinpoint.
• Learn to juxtapose short and long
sentences.
• Ex: The name “Christopher” means
nothing. Felice paid no attention. She
ignored the call. But because the speaker,
who turned out to be an elderly gentleman,
was gracious in his comments about the
tragedy of war, she listened.
• Learn to subordinate
• Ex:
– Coordinate
I arrived at Yankee Stadium, and the first inning
was already under way
– Subordinate
The first inning was already under way when I
arrived at Yankee Stadium.
• Learn to use parallel constructions.
• Ex:
– Not parallel
The king stood on the balcony. Then he
decided to wave at the crowed. Later he also shook
hands with the foreign minister.
– Parallel
The king stood on the balcony, wave at the crowed, and
shook hands with the foreign minister.
8c-1Revise sentences to use the
active voice
• Verbs have two voices-active and passive.
• The passive voice makes a writer seem
objective is a myth.
• The passive voice often used to shield the
person responsible for an action.
– Ex: Two laws protecting illegal aliens were
passed.
8C-2
REVISE TO USE AN APPROPRIATE POINT OF VIEW
• Research papers consist mainly of
information found in other places that you
incorporate in your writing.
• Points of View
• -The first person point of view:
Suitable only for personal writing.
• -The third point of view:
In attempt to keep the writing
objective.
EXAMPLES
• First person point of view:
In my research I found out that I would do
better in reading by applying note-taking
techniques.
• Third (objective) point of view:
Research indicates that by applying notetaking techniques would enhance reading
proficiency by 45%.
QUESTION & DOUBT
• Q: Should you ever use the first-person
point of view in your research paper, and if
so, when?
• If your instructor bans any but the thirdperson point of view, then you have no
choice but to follow.
• If not specified, Ask.
• Safe rule to follow: Use the first-person
point of view only in personal comments or
in discussions.
8C-3 REVISE SEXIST LANGUAGE
• In your writing, watch for language that
reflects the value and biases of a male
dominated society.
Example: A doctor should treat his patients
patiently.
This sentence made a sexist assumption: that every
doctor is a man.
Fixes:
1.Doctors should treat their patients patiently.
2. A doctor should treat his or her patients patiently.
THON
• A proposed gender neutral third-person
singular pronoun.
• This particular word solves the problem of
the usage of him and he, while referring to
someone unknown who could very well be
female.
• Example:
• Instead of: I saw him wearing a thong.
• Now you can write: I saw thon wearing a
thong.
8D REVISING WORDS: DICTION
• Words choice and usage comes under the
heading of diction.
• Incorrect idea: Bigger word is always better.
• Use words for their exactness, appropriateness
and accuracy than for their size. In any case,
the final decision should be based on the target
audience .
• "They're humid, pre-possessing homosapiens
with full-sized aortic pumps?“ (Big words
version)
8D-1 REVISE DICTION FOR ACCURACY
AND EXACTNESS
• The best writing is concise and to the point.
• Know your topic well, so you would be exact
in writing your article.
• Use the appropriate vocabulary for the
subject.
Inexact: AIDMA is often used in marketing, and
by following the five steps of AIDMA you
would succeed.
Exact: AIDMA is often used in marketing,
AIDMA is a acronym consist of five steps
Attention, Interest, Desire, Memory and
Action. By following these steps you would
become a successful salesman.
CONCISE OR NOT?
• Use as many words as you need to make
your point- no more, no less.
• Example: please turn to
Not concise: Pg135
Concise: Pg136
8d-2 Revise the Overuse of Phrases for
Subjects Instead of Single Nouns
●To simplify the subject
●Bureaucratic → concise(short and
clear)
Example:
1.Phrase subject: Their fixed idea of racism is brought
about by their long history of isolation.
Simplified subject and introductory sentence: Racism
derives from their isolated history.
Or: Their isolated history leads to racism.
Example in the text book:
2.Phrase subject: The ratification of the agreement by
the board requires a vote of a majority.
Simplified subject and introductory sentence: To ratify
the agreement, the board needs a majority vote.
Or: The board needs a majority vote to ratify the
agreement.
8d-3 Revise Redundant Expressions
What are redundant expressions?
Redundant expressions are unnecessary words used
to repeat what has already been said.
Example:
The US nation will announce a target plan for reducing
greenhouse gas carbon dioxide emissions before next
month's UN climate summit conference, according to a White
House official officer.
The “US” is a “nation”, “target” equals to “plan”, “summit”
a kind of “ conference”, “official” an “ officer”, and “carbon
dioxide” a “ greenhouse gas” is clear from common
knowledge and context of the sentence.
Revised version:
The US will announce a target for reducing greenhouse gas
emissions before next month's UN climate summit, according
to a White House official
Example in the text book:
During that time period the park area was populated
with Indians who were sullen in appearance and made
a living by working with silver metal.
Revise:
During that time the park was populated with Indians
who looked sullen and made a living by working with
silver.
8d-4 Revise Meaningless Words and Phrases
Meaningless words and phrases are fillers, blurring a
style.
Revising meaningless words and phrases clarifies your
idea.
Example in the text book:
The problem of world hunger is by and large a matter of
business and politics. Basically the two become virtually
entwined until for all intents and purposes they cannot be
addressed separately in any given city or country.
Revised version:
The problem of world hunger is a matter of business and
politics. The two become entwined until they cannot be
addressed separately in any city or country.
8d-5 Revise Snobbish Diction
Snobbish diction consists of words used not to clarify
but to impress.
Replacing snobbish diction with more common
equivalents( words/phrases) results in a sharper and less
pompous style.
Example in the text book:
A person desirous of an interview must be cognizant of the fact
that the interview may have dozens of other candidates to
evaluate. A smart candidate endeavors to utilize the time wisely,
facilitating the interviewer in ascertaining the candidate’s
qualification.
Revised version:
A person wanting an interview must be aware that the interviewer
may have dozens of other candidates to evaluate. A smart
candidate ties to use the time wisely, helping the interviewer find
out the candidate’s qualification.
8e Rules for Writers. Not.
1.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2.Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5.Avoid cliches like the plague.( They’re old hat.)
6.Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7.Be more or less specific.
8.Parenthetical remarks(however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9.Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10.No sentence fragments.
11.Contractions are not necessary and should not be used.
12.Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13.Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it’s highly superfluous.
14.One should NEVER generalize.
15.Don not use no double negatives.
16.Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17.One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18.Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19.The passive voice should NEVER be used.
20.Eliminate commas. That are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21.Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22.DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasizes!!!
23.Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
24.Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
25.Use the apostrophe in its proper place and omit it when it’s not
needed.
26.If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
27.Puns are for children, not groan readers.
28.Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
29. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
30. Who needs rhetorical questions?
31.Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
32.Do not put statements in the negative form.
33.A writer must not shift your point of view.
34.Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
35.Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
36.If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb
is.
37.Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
38.Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
39.Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with
singular nouns in their writing.
40.Always pick on the correct idiom.
41.The adverb always follows the verb.
42.Be careful to use the rite homonym.
43.Proofread carefully to see if you leave any words out.