Drops of Longing:
Children’s Responses to Violence and Adversity
Allan Wade
Lulea, Sweden, January 18th, 2012
The Prevailing Effects-Based Approach
Children are seen as:
- “exposed to”
- “affected by”
- “subjected to” - “impacted”
- “witness”
The “biopsychosocial” model:
- biological effects: hormones, epigenetics
- psychological effects: emotional, cognitive development
- social effects: social-psychological problems (behaviour)
The purpose is to understand the harm done to children, to develop treatment
and other interventions.
“Resilience” and “strengths-based” approaches are a step forward, but . . .
Questions
How are children affected by violence/adversity?
What are the effects/impacts of violence?
What are the clinical sequale of violence?
What are the short and long term health outcomes?
These effects reside in children’s bodies and brains.
How do we treat these effects?
These questions:
(a) ignore social responses
(b) assume that suffering can be represented as an “effect” or
“impact”
An Alternative View
There is overwhelming evidence that children respond to and resist
violence, from minor affronts to dignity, to extreme and long-term
violence.
Memoirs
Interviews with children
Fiction
Historical texts
Children intervene in violence by one parent against another.
They do not simply “witness”
Psychological and psychiatric models have constructed children as
passive recipients of the world, as receptacles that are filled, as clay that
is molded, as beings that are conditioned – as affected objects more than
responding agents.
If it is difficult to realize that adults respond and resist, it has been even
more challenging to recognize resistance in children.
Other Questions
How do children respond to violence/adversity?
How do children respond before and during assaults?
Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually
How do children respond immediately after and long after?
How do children respond to their parents’ responses?
How do children respond to positive and negative social responses?
Topics
Talking with Children
Hyden and Overlein.
Talking with Former Children
Examples from therapy, interventions
Dissidents’ Memoirs of Childhoods
Taras Shevenko
George Orwell
Malcolm X
Rigoberta Menchu
Carl Rogers
Writing for Children
Astrid Lindgren
Working for Children in Domestic Violence Cases
The Terrible Bind: War and Domestic Violence
Supporting the Parent-Child Bond
Karin:
Carolina: Can I ask in those situations when you were scared and felt like
something was wrong, did you feel like you could do something then?
Karin: No, that was the thing. I was so little and had so many feelings.
Sometimes I could say to daddy, please dad please be quiet, don’t be bothered
by what mummy says. I played along with him for a while and played along
with him and thought this will help and pretended that mummy was the one who
was sick. So I said that if you could only be quiet don’t be bothered by what she
is saying you know she is wrong (pause) so be quiet and go outside and be
angry.
Karin pleaded with her father, protected her mother, played along and pretended
to agree with her father to calm him down, and tried to reason with him by
appealing to his own logic.
Lotta:
Margareta: Have things been okay at home?
Lotta: Yes, but then yesterday mum and dad started fighting about something, but
I just closed my ears.
Margareta: What do you do when you close your ears? Do you use something to
put in your ears?
Lotta: No, I try not to care or try to talk to them about something else. Then I
listen to really loud music so they’ll get angry at me instead.
Lotta responded by ignoring and distracting herself from the “fighting”, then by
changing the topic, and finally by offering herself as the problem.
Resistance to Racism in Childhood
(Kim, 1991)
As a child, I listened to the stories of my mother's childhood. We
were drawn together in our common experience of oppression. I
learned defiance and determination from my mother, my role model.
My mother was a pillar of strength and hope. She had survived
genocide and devastation in the Korean war, and I, her daughter, was
convinced that I too could overcome all adversity. (p. 205)
Kim (cont’d)
Silenced by the dominant white culture, silenced by the white
people, I was told who I was, what I was, and who I should be.
Silenced by my school teachers who taught in a school that was
Eurocentric, monolingual and neo-colonial, I learned to live with
the silences. I closed my mind to their thinking. I learned to
regurgitate the words and their worldview. I learned to be a good
student, reciting what my teachers wanted to hear. I chose to
ignore white people when I heard condescension in their voices.
School became a place where I learned the lessons of survival in a
white racist culture. (1991, p. 207)
Evelyn
I would be crying and pushing his [her father’s] hand away, asking
him to stop…it got to the point where I would not go home if the
car was not parked outside or play outside until my mom or older
sister got home.
I remember sleeping with my clothes on, it was my security for
awhile for when I was approached. By the time they could get my
pants undone and down and undo theirs, I would have my pants up
again.
I would sleep on my stomach and would lay stiff. If my parents
had a drinking party I would lay on the outside of my kid sister’s
covers in bed so no one would hurt her. If they had to get their
rocks off I would rather it be me instead of her.
Everytime they had parties I slept in my clothes and sometimes [I
had] a knife in the door frame or under my pillow.
When I was 15 I started going to the bar. When men started paying
attention to me it felt good but I knew what it was they wanted. I
would accept drinks at first, cocktease them and then tell them to get
lost. They would call me a fucking cock-teasing bitch. I would
reply “Yeah, and a good one”.
After seeing my older sister being beaten to a pulp I told myself I
would never let a man do that to me, so I told my [first] husband to
leave and that was the end of him.
Evelyn concluded:
I am able to voice my opinion rather than stay quiet. I can tell my
husband and others how I feel without feeling guilty. I will always
continue to go forward.
Taras Schevchenko
“I AM THE SON of Gregory [1] Shevchenko, peasant and serf. I was born
on March 9, 1814, in Kerelivka, a village in the county of Zvenihorod,
province of Kiev, upon the estate of a landowner.”
Parents died when he was 8
Taken in by the village “sexton”
This began a period of bondage and abuse by several such local despots
The master's power over children/orphans has practically no limits. They have
to perform all domestic duties and to fulfill every possible whim of the master
and members of his household. You can imagine what the sexton in question, a
wretched drunkard, could demand of me, and the things I had to do with the
self-abasement of a slave. There was nobody in this world who could be
expected to trouble themselves about my unhappy lot.
My sexton treated all his pupils with extreme harshness, and we all hated
him. His unreasonable cruelty made us cunning and revengeful. We used to
deceive him, and did all the mischief we could think of. He was the first
despot I ever met, and my whole life long he filled me with hatred and
contempt for every kind of coercion as practiced by one human being upon
another. My childish heart was wounded by such educational methods a
thousand times a day, and I concluded - as all defenseless people are bound
to conclude when they cannot bear injury any longer - with revenge and
flight.
One day I came upon my teacher in a state of drunken stupor and, turning upon
him his own weapon, the rod, I used it as well as my childish strength
permitted. This was my only chance to get even with him for all his brutality.
Among his earthly possessions this drunken sexton had a little book with
pictures, and although the engravings were of extremely poor workmanship, at
that time they appeared to me as the most precious work of art. I could not
resist temptation. I took the little picture book and ran away by night to the
town of Lysyanka.
Shevchenko runs back to his home village hoping to become a shepherd
because “a shepherd should have at least enough leisure to peruse his
stolen picture book”.
But his master forced him to become a “page boy”. He was able to escape
the role of “minstrel”, which befell other children, but his master ordered
him “to stay silent and motionless until he should order me to hand him his
pipe, which stood quite close to him, or to fill a glass with water.
Because of my stubborn character, I broke my master's order and sang sad
Haidamak songs in a hardly audible voice and secretly copied the pictures
of the Suzdal school decorating the rooms of my master. I drew with a
pencil which I confess, with no feeling of guilty conscience, I stole from the
storekeeper.
As I followed my restless master from one house of call to another, I took
advantage of every opportunity to pilfer as many woodcuts from the walls as
I could. I should add that it was not the collector's craze that made me do
this but the irrepressible desire to paint or, rather, to make copies of every
drawing I had seen.
One day during our stay in Vilna, my master and his wife went to a ball of
the local nobility to celebrate the name day of His Majesty Tsar Nikolai
Pavlovich. The servants were asleep and the house was wrapped in
complete darkness. In my solitary room I lit a candle, uncovered my stolen
treasures and having selected from among them the picture "Cossack
Platov," I began to copy.
In the spring of 1832 I completed my eighteenth year, still a lackey but as such
a complete failure and a disappointment to my master. This might have been
the reason why he, finally, gave in to my unceasing requests and allowed me to
learn how to paint.
I was hired out for a period of four years to an ornamental painter and decorator
in St. Petersburg, who combined within himself the talents and the habits of
both the hard-drinking sexton and the other sacristan, the practitioner of
palmistry.
Although I did not learn anything in the daytime, I could spend the moonlight
Spring nights in the St. Petersburg Summer Garden and make drawings of the
statues which embellished that creation of Peter the Great.
It was there that I made the acquaintance of the artist lvan Maximovich
Soshenko, a fellow countryman who has been like a brother to this day.
Upon his advice, I began to try my hand at watercolor studies from nature.
During my early and feeble attempts I had a model in toe person of Ivan
Nechiporenko, another fellow countryman and friend of mine and also one of
my master's servants. One day the master discovered one of my paintings in
Nechiporenko's hands, and he liked it so much that he employed me to paint
portraits of his mistress. Now and then he even rewarded me with a ruble.
As to my literary work, I will say only that it had its beginning on those
moonless white nights. For a long time my strict Ukrainian muse,
distorted by experiences in school, in the ante-chambers of manors and in
various city quarters, kept away from me. However, when the breath of
freedom returned to my senses the purity of my childhood passed under
the roof of my father's poor home, the blessed Ukrainian muse came and
embraced me in a foreign land.
I must confess that this short story of my life cost me more than I would
have expected. How many years wasted, one after another! And what have
I, through all my efforts, redeemed from destiny? I have survived, that is,
preserved my bare life and, with that, this dreadful insight into my past. It is
dreadful, all the more dreadful for me, as my own brothers and sisters - I was
not strong enough to mention this in my story - have remained serfs to the
present day.
On March 22, 1845, the Council of the Academy of Arts granted
Shevchenko the title of an artist.
In captivity, alone there is no one
With whom to join your heart.
Alone, I’m searching for someone
To talk to.
I’m searching for God, but I find only
That God forbid I say it.
This is what the years and cruel fate
Have done to me; add to this
That my precious youth
Has passed in clouds, that there isn’t
Even a single event
That’s worth recalling.
But you have to comfort your soul,
For it so wants, so pleads at least
For a word of peace.
You can’t hear,
It’s as though the snow in the field is
Drifting over a still warm corpse.
(1848)
Malcolm X
“Tell me why I’m wrong.”
“A man who stands for nothing
will fall for anything. ”
Malcolm X
Malcolm X was one of the top students in his class, and the only
black student. One day his teacher, whom he liked, asked him if
he had been thinking about a career. Malcolm replied, "Well,
yes, sir . . . I'd like to be a lawyer".
“Mr. Ostrowski looked surprised, I remember, and leaned back in
his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. He kind of halfsmiled and said, 'Malcolm, one of life's first needs is for us to be
realistic. Don't misunderstand me, now. We all like you, you
know that. But you've got to be realistic about being a nigger. A
lawyer - that's no realistic goal for a nigger. You need to think
about something you can be. You're good with your hands making things.” (p. 36)
Malcolm X cont’d
Malcolm immediately recognized his teacher's comments as
racist and responded accordingly.
“It was then that I began to change—inside. I drew away from
white people. I came to class, and I answered when called
upon. It became a physical strain simply to sit in Mr.
Ostrowski's class. . . . Where 'nigger' had slipped off my back
before, wherever I heard it now, I stopped and looked at
whoever said it. And they looked surprised that I did. . . . In a
few more weeks, it was that way, too, at the restaurant where I
worked washing dishes, and at the [foster home].” (p. 37)
George
Orwell
A Hanging
Shooting an Elephant
How the Poor Die
Such, Such Were the Joys
“Such, Such Were the Joys”
How, in a context of violence and constant surveillance, does
a child build a barrier between himself and his tormentors,
behind which he can create some form of safety, belonging
and autonomy?
Simon
“Summoning the perpetrator . . . “
George Orwell
A Hanging
Politics and the English
Language
Shooting an Elephant
How the Poor Die
1984
Such, Such Were the Joys
Orwell: “Such, Such Were the Joys”
How, in a context of violence and constant surveillance, does
a child build a barrier between himself and his tormentors,
behind which he can create some sense of freedom, some
form of safety and social connection?
Malcolm X
“Tell me why I’m wrong.”
“A man who stands for nothing
will fall for anything. ”
Malcolm X
Malcolm X was one of the top students in his class, and the only
black student. One day his teacher, whom he liked, asked him if
he had been thinking about a career. Malcolm replied, "Well,
yes, sir . . . I'd like to be a lawyer".
“Mr. Ostrowski looked surprised, I remember, and leaned back in
his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. He kind of halfsmiled and said, 'Malcolm, one of life's first needs is for us to be
realistic. Don't misunderstand me, now. We all like you, you
know that. But you've got to be realistic about being a nigger. A
lawyer - that's no realistic goal for a nigger. You need to think
about something you can be. You're good with your hands making things.” (p. 36)
Malcolm X cont’d
Malcolm immediately recognized his teacher's comments as
racist and responded accordingly.
“It was then that I began to change—inside. I drew away from
white people. I came to class, and I answered when called
upon. It became a physical strain simply to sit in Mr.
Ostrowski's class. . . . Where 'nigger' had slipped off my back
before, wherever I heard it now, I stopped and looked at
whoever said it. And they looked surprised that I did. . . . In a
few more weeks, it was that way, too, at the restaurant where I
worked washing dishes, and at the [foster home].” (p. 37)
Vaclav Havel
Vaclav Havel
Something of that early self-awareness probably stayed with me:
My bourgeois background . . . awakened (or, more exactly,
strengthened) within me something like a social emotion, an
antagonism toward undeserved privileges, toward unjust social
barriers, toward any kind of so-called higher standing predetermined
by birth or by anything else, toward any humiliation of human
dignity. (p. 7)
I've always understood my mission to be to speak the truth . . . to
warn rather than hand out prescriptions for change (p. 8) . . . to
nourish the plurality of social association from below. (p. 21).
Carl Rogers
Carl Rogers, the famous counsellor, was once asked if he would like
to share his accomplishments with his parents. He replied:
“My mother was a person you never told anything to. I would never
have thought of telling anything significant to my mother, because I
know that she would have a judgment about it and it probably would
be negative”.
Rogers referred to person-centred counselling - based on nonjudgment, unconditional positive regard, and careful listening – as
“the reciprocal” of his mother’s approach.
Rigoberta
Menchu
Rigoberta Menchu
“I was five when she was doing this work and I looked after my
little brother. I wasn't earning yet. I used to watch my mother,
who often had the food ready at three o'clock in the morning for
the workers who started work early, and at eleven she had the
food for the midday meal ready. At seven in the evening she had
to run around again making food for her group. In between
times, she worked picking coffee to supplement what she earned.
Watching her made me feel useless and weak because I couldn't
do anything to help her except look after my brother. That's when
my consciousness was born. It's true. My mother didn't like the
idea of me working, of earning my own money, but I did. I
wanted to work, more than anything to help her, both
economically and physically.” (1984, p. 34)
Astrid
Lindgren
Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Ephraimsdaughter
Longstocking
Pippilotta Viktualia Rullgardina Krusmynta Efraimsdotter Långstrump
Who is Pippi?
An orphan. Alone.
Does not attend school. Cannot read or do arithmetic.
“Guineas and Lockes”
Treasure Chest of Gold and Villa Villekula
Striking, bold looks
A profound sense of justice and fair play
Great physical strength
Loves animals
Immense loyalty and bravery
Fun-loving
Pippi gives Mr. Blomsterlund a lesson & whistles a tune.
Pippi entertains two burglars.
Pippi plays tag with the nice policemen.
Pippi draws at school . . . on the floor.
Pippi pulls Tommy and Annika to shore.
Mio, My Son
Bosse, 9, is in foster care with foster parents who dislike boys and
are psychologically abusive.
He creates a “fantasy” world where the King of “Faraway Land” is
his natural father, and is renamed “Mio” (my son).
The “fantasy” directly counters the specific aspects of the abuse
and includes characters who provided positive social responses.
Friend, water cart horse, grocery store lady.
An evil knight, Kato, is stealing children, so Mio must fight him to
protect his father and his people.
Mio
With the golden apple,
sees the bottle of
Stockholm Ale, which he
opens to discover the
genie.
Mio and friend in
Faraway Land
Considerations for Children Who Have Endured Violence
• Abusive fathers often try to turn children against their mothers
It becomes wrong to like, love, listen to, Mom
• Children fear one or both parents will die
• Children want to help one or both parents, siblings
• Aggressive youth, overburdened with responsibility.
• History of negative or ineffective social responses
• Stigmatized with other labels, programs
• Feel they are to blame, bad, disloyal, messed up, helpless
• May become distressed/act out with closeness
Similarities for Children Between Wife-Assault and War
Adapted from Fr. Ignacio Martin-Baro, “Toward a Liberation Psychology”
•
•
•
•
•
•
The violence is foreseeable, predictable
Violence is enabled by complex social systems
Authorities, social systems are ineffective and untrustworthy
Adults who would protect are violated or violent
Personal development in abnormal conditions
Forced choice: Implications for identity
It is pointless to suggest that the trauma resides in an individual or to focus
on individual treatment.
Our response must be collective and relational, aimed at restoring
relationships in a context of safety and dignity.
Renee-Claude
Carrier
Activist, A.-D.
Yukon Women’s
Transition House
Kayaker, Climber
Home Builder
Montagnais Nation
Supporting the Mother-Child Bond
Renee-Claude Carriere
“Working with children together with their mothers just
naturally seemed like the right thing to do. For a time, there
was push to take kids aside, to interview them and to do
programming with them apart from their mothers. Working in a
transition home, I saw that as not productive. I was not
comfortable with that way of working. Many of the women I
had worked with had had their children apprehended. For many
of our First Nations clients in particular, if I was to take their
children aside, I could be seen as a threat.”
Renee-Claude Carriere
“Where I feel we begin to break the cycle of violence is where we
help children see their mother as a good mother, as a mother who
protected them. I try to change the messages the children hear.
Children hear their mothers get blamed and so they are very
confused. The more I could hang out and talk, the more I could
point out, “You know, your Mom’s not lazy” and “Look how hard
she works”, the better it is for the children. Its often very small
and subtle comments. Children see that their mother does work
hard, “is not stupid, and does love me.”
“In the first 24 hours after children come to Kaushee’s Place,
they’re busy being peacemakers. They want no trouble. They
want Mom to go home because Dad might be upset. Our job is
to make sure they understand “you’re not going home, Dad is
going to be okay, everyone is going to be okay - you’re safe.”
Their fear is not about being traumatized. It’s about them
trying to respond to the violence they think is going to come as
a result of coming to the transition house”.
Renee-Claude Carriere
Good things
. . . and a response-based shed.
Worries
Dreams
Gloria and Cindy
Dennis
Thank you so much for your kind attention and commitment to this
work.
Happy trails!!
allanwade@shaw.ca
George Sand