Johnny Deer
The outside is full of people who can make you feel desirable because they smile and
flirt, and never see you again, so it’s no bother to them. Johnny sat down right on the curb, where
cars drive only three feet from his own feet. Johnny imagined sticking his foot out just before the
car drove by, to crush his foot right at the ankle. He wondered if it would break right at the ankle
or somewhere else.
A boy came and sat beside him; he took Johnny’s baseball hat and put it on himself. The
stranger boy said: “No, that’s exactly right.” He looked straight into Johnny’s eyes when he said
it.
“I know it is! Isn’t it?” Johnny responded smiling.
The Daisymart variety store clerk ran up the street, his pot belly leaping up and crashing
down with each step. The clerk looked from one side of the street to the other, and back. Johnny
smiled at the clerk, and nodded his head. The clerk caught his breath and started for his little
variety store again.
The stranger boy waited for the clerk to go back inside, before giving Johnny back his hat
and slipping a cigarette in-between his lips. He struck a strike-anywhere match on the road.
Johnny laughed to himself at how shallowly the stranger boy inhaled. He wanted to say, ‘You
know the rush is better if you breathe deep,’ but refrained and thought that it’s better to try and
look like you’re killing yourself, rather than actually doing it.
The stranger boy blew his shallow smoke right into Johnny’s face and said: “Hey, thanks
for that.” He meant for playing along. He didn’t mean anything by the smoke; he was just dumb.
The conversation could have ended there, but Johnny thought he could probably suck a
little more out of the encounter, so he did.
“What did you pick up?”
“Lots of stuff. He’s so stupid he never sees me do it, but this time I guess his soap opera
went to commercial and he decided to look around.”
The stranger hadn’t answered his question, and to switch topics, and agree with what the
boy said about the clerk, would make him look too eager, while to disagree would cause
unnecessary conflict. So Johnny just waited. The boy then jumped into the list.
“I got cigarettes, and Jolly Ranchers, and some rubbers.”
Johnny looked up and nodded, at ‘rubbers’. They lived in a small neighborhood, and so
throwing out the name of a popular girl, would probably end alright.
Johnny selected her name carefully. “Jenna Forester.” She was generically attractive,
likable, and not easy. She and Johnny had gone pretty far the first week of summer, so she was a
good name to bring up. He wouldn’t divulge that last tidbit until it made sense to.
“Dime, I’m happy it’s summer and those legs are out.”
“Shouldn’t have to wait for summer to see some leg, buddy.”
“I’m Raffy.”
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“Johnny.”
“You live here?”
“Sometimes.”
“We blaze up all the time in the underground parking of this place.”
“Call me down, apartment 2A.”
“Hey, I will.”
“Alright then.”
Johnny wouldn’t hear from Raffy again or anything. Sometimes empty promises are full
in themselves just because someone said them. Raffy left. Johnny waited a bit then got up and
walked aimlessly. He didn’t pretend to be going somewhere, ‘cause he had nowhere to go. He
turned into the ice cream place. Leaning over the counter, he charmed Gloria, the 40-something
woman who was working at the front that day.
“Do you need a hand for a bit?”
“I do, but not to take over the ice cream, sweetheart.”
They shared a harmless smile.
“Go on and get a coffee and I’ll hold it down for you, Gloria.”
“You are a good boy, you know that?” The woman took off her apron and handed it to
Johnny. He slipped behind the desk and grabbed a rag to wipe down the counter until the woman
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left. People who had already been served were eating. Then a group of girls that went to his
school came in. The skinny ones ordered ice cream, and the softer ones held their tongues.
“Sit down and I’ll bring it to you,” Johnny told the girls who placed their orders—five
girls and three ice creams. This one girl, Val, one of the softer ones, wasn’t going to eat any. She
was a lot prettier than anyone let her know. Really attractive but super insecure and people used
it against her sometimes. Johnny was one of those people.
He came and leaned over Val to put down the ice creams.
The other girls said ‘thank you’ slowly reaching out to touch Johnny’s arm, and get his
attention. They all noticed how Johnny was really just looking at Val.
“So you’re working here this summer?” one girl asked.
“No, I just help out when I can, I live up the street.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“What are you girls doing today? Swimming?” Johnny reached out to Val’s bikini halter
that was around the back of her neck.
“Yeah we were just there, but now we’re going back to my place,” said the richest one.
Everyone parties at her place.
“Maybe not all of you?” Johnny smiled and leaned his hands on the back of Val’s chair.
Johnny turned and went back behind the counter again. The girls where a little pissed that
Johnny hadn’t been talking about them, and Val was just uncomfortable.
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When they finished they all went up to cash to pay. “No, I got you girls,” he said. The
girls smiled instead of thanking him as they left. As Val passed, Johnny grabbed her by the wrist
and calmly explained, “I’m gonna be outside here at nine tonight.” He let go and she just kept
walking.
The woman who had left the ice cream place to Johnny returned a while later, kissed him
on the cheek and thanked him, handing him a five dollar bill. He accepted it, but when she went
to the back, he put it in the tips jar.
Johnny had nothing to do until nine and it was only three. He went home and tried to fill
his empty house up by turning on the TV and radio. He cleaned the apartment but didn’t tidy it.
He didn’t make his bed, but he scrubbed everything down. He washed his body, but not his hair.
Put on new clothes, but not clothes out of the wash, and brushed his teeth, but then ate some
fruit. He did it all so that he would seem pleasant, but natural. Johnny always thought that
effortless perfection was the best kind. Nine came and he left his house right at the minute so
he’d get there a little bit after the hour. In the dark outside of the ice cream place, Val was
leaning against the wall, still with her bikini on under her clothes.
“It’s a little cold out,” Johnny called over.
“Yeah.”
Johnny took her hand. They walked back towards his place.
“How was going back to Lexia’s?”
“Not so good. Those girls are tough sometimes.”
“Why do you hang out with them then?”
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“It’s hard to leave them; we are really tight even though it’s hard. Besides, who else is
there?”
“No one, but being alone is better than being with a bunch of bitches, don’t you think?”
“Maybe… what did you do this afternoon?”
“Worked for a bit, then met up with Jonah.”
“You went all the way out to his place?”
“No he met me in the middle. Do you want to come in?”
Val nodded and they went into Johnny’s apartment.
When they got in, Johnny went over to the window, pretending he heard something
outside on the street so he wouldn’t have to turn on the light. Val came over to it too. Johnny
pulled away and then came behind Val, putting her between the window and his body. She
turned to face him. Johnny moved her hair from her shoulder, and put his lips on her crooked
neck, then his hands on her tense thighs. He took her by the jaw and kissed her. It was almost
lovely. Johnny thought one step ahead with each move he made. They went over to the couch
and he lay on top of her. His hands went under her shirt, and then took off her bikini top; sand
rolled down the sides of her chest. He sat up and took off his shirt. Val put her timid hands on his
chest. Johnny put his sure hands on hers. He put his fingers on the edge of her shorts. He undid
the button and then slid his hands down. He looked her in her face the whole time. Johnny was
determined to meet his own standard. Word spreads like legs do around here… fast. They
harmonized almost like they had done it before. It was over when Johnny was done.
“Why don’t you hang out with Markus and them?” Val asked quietly
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“They like to stay in one place for too long.”
“It’s true, that’s why Lexia and all of them like Markus so much. All they need is a nice
car to lean against, forget driving it anywhere.”
“Where would you drive it, Val?”
“I’d drive it to Greenland.”
“I don’t know if you can drive to Greenland from here.”
“I should probably do some more research before I go.”
“And if you could drive to Greenland?”
“I’d own a little café or bookstore or something, that’s it.”
“A little ice cream place?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“So that a group of girls who don’t want to drive their trophy cars anywhere can sit in it
and nurse a scoop?”
“I don’t think girls are like that in Greenland.”
“I think most people are like that, Val.”
That night Johnny was sweet, but just enough so that he didn’t do anything wrong, or
make her think he wanted to be with her again. Not that he did or didn’t; he didn’t really care.
He made her feel like she was special but also made her know that she was disposable.
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Some days in the summer Johnny just stayed home and sat on the edge of the tub looking
at his legs. Then he looked in the mirror at his face, deciding what he needed to change. His body
was nothing more than a tool to him. He felt like attractive people have more room to mess up,
and can take more risks. So he’d work his muscles till they felt like they’d rip apart and tan on
the roof of his apartment. He’d do that just for the one day he’d go to the beach, and he’d know it
was worth it. He would do it all alone, going to the beach too.
He couldn’t see any adventures to ride from the boardwalk, the day he went to the beach,
so he took his shirtless self to the sand and lay down like he was cooling from a run. He wore
sneakers to support the story. He saw single men in the water with their dogs, and he wished he
had a dog, just so no one would wonder why he was always alone. He spotted his next project: a
girl with narrow hips, and long limbs, and white skin, and dark hair. She had her back to him,
and was knee-deep in the water; her friends were wrestling and flirting and talking a lot about
nothing. She was smiling, but kept more eye contact with the horizon then she did with her
friends.
Johnny took off his sneakers and socks and lined them up. He put a toe in the water, and
acted like it was unbearably cold. The girl turned to Johnny. Once he caught her eye, he held it
half a second long. The girl smiled to herself, because Johnny was acting so dramatic. Johnny
yelled over. “It’s bad, admit it.”
The girl took a moment to decide whether or not to engage. “I’m holding up,” she said
facing away from him.
Johnny stepped into the water and walked in a line parallel to the girl. He looked around
and saw a group of boys that went to his school higher up on the beach. They were boys who
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reached out to Johnny many times, but who Johnny had always delicately placed on hold for
when he’d need them. When the girl in the water was looking, Johnny made eye contact with one
of the boys from school and nodded his head.
“I think your nose is burning, tough stuff,” Johnny said looking at the horizon. The girl
looked down embarrassed and touched her nose.
She turned to head back to the beach and tried to gather her pride.
“Thanks, Princess,” she said.
Johnny splashed some water on his chest then headed back too. He smiled and laughed to
himself about the name, and continued onto to the boardwalk, stopping to talk to the boys from
school.
Johnny gave a hand shake to a couple of them.
“Johnny, what have you been doing this summer, man?”
“Visiting Jonah, making some money, not too much trouble.”
“Val isn’t trouble?”
“Figure that out for yourself.”
“I will, man. Hey, everybody is blazing in the square tonight; come and bring Jonah,
man.”
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“If I’m free, bud. Hey, there are some girls down there that need some more sunscreen,
be a sweetheart and help them out?” Johnny walked up the boardwalk, and once he was far
enough away he put his sneakers back on.
The sand clung to his feet and the bottom of his shorts stuck to his knees. Johnny
imagined his own eyes at that moment. In his mind they weren’t sparkly, or enchanting, they
were bug-like and repulsive. He looked at his sneakers so nobody would see his eyes. Johnny
went home. He didn’t detour. No matter how many devices he played, the hosts, the characters,
the guests, they were not talking to him. No one was talking to him. He stood up sweating and
stamped his feet trying to draw his panic away from his heart. He looked through his phone over
and over. Each name he read, he thought of them as ‘friend’. But none of them were friends.
Johnny didn’t know what a friend was. The panic constricted his beating organs like they were
wrapped in rubber bands. His blood collected between each imaginary elastic. Johnny could say
‘hello’ to a thousand people, and they could all say ‘hello’ back. But there would be nothing else
to be said. There would never be more than ‘hello’. He chose one of his contacts. He pressed
call. It rang. And it rang. Jonah hadn’t set up voicemail so it would just keep ringing. Johnny
knew that. Johnny hung up.
Word Count: 2484
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