Perfectionism
Dr. Dorothy A. Sisk
World Council for Gifted and Talented
Children
Odense, Denmark
August 9, 2015
Perfectionism
• Perfectionism is a
combination of the desire to be
perfect, the fear of
imperfection, and the sense
that being perfect will bring
acceptance as a person.
• Perfectionistic behaviors
include such things as over
commitment, super sensitivity
to criticism, procrastination and
compulsive attention to detail.
Perfectionistic Thoughts and Feelings
• Unhealthy perfectionistic
thoughts include, “I’m never
good enough,” “I’m only
acceptable if I’m perfect.”
Healthy perfectionistic
thoughts include, “ I can
make this better.”
• Perfectionistic feelings
include dissatisfaction with
yourself, anger, anxiety, and
frustration.
PERFECTIONISM DOES NOT EQUATE SUCCESS:
TALENT, ENERGY AND COMMITMENT DETERMINE
SUCCESS.
• Perfectionism and concern for mistakes can lead
to anxiety that interferes with spontaneity, flow,
and achievement; yet, Silverman said,
“Perfectionism is not a malady, it is a tool for selfdevelopment.”
The origin of perfectionism has several basic
aspects of human nature:
1. Your world of experience is
continuously re-organized and
meaningful in ways that are
unique to you. Perfectionists set
high standards for themselves,
and feel pain if they do not meet
those standards.
2. Emotions guide your behavior.
Perfectionism is an attempt to
reduce the anxiety concerning not
meeting those standards and any
lack of acceptance.
Sense of Well-Being
• Your sense of well-being depends on meaningful
attachment to significant others, including parents
and partners. Perfectionists often think perfection
is the way to be accepted by others.
Perfectionism: Myths and Realities
• Myth #1: I would not be so successful if I were not a
perfectionist.
• Reality: Although some perfectionists are remarkably
successful, what they often fail to realize is their success
was achieved despite, not because of their extra striving.
• Myth #2: Perfectionists get things done, and they do
things right.
• Reality: Perfectionists often have problems with
procrastination, missed deadlines, and low productivity.
• Myth #3: Perfectionists are determined to overcome
obstacles to success.
• Reality: Perfectionistic behaviors increase self-criticism,
writer’s block, blocked performance, social anxiety, and
other barriers to success. These blocks to productivity
and success are a result of the perfectionist’s focus on
the final product. Instead of concentrating on the
process of accomplishing a task, perfectionists focus on
the outcome. A relentless pursuit of an ultimate goal can
seriously hinder their efforts.
• Perfectionism is a selfesteem issue arising from
feelings of inadequacy, guilt
shame and unacceptability.
• Perfectionists are motivated
by the conviction that only
perfection will bring personal
satisfaction. Perfectionism is
a relational issue with the
notion that personal
acceptance depends on
one’s performance.
Perfectionism is a crucible of giftedness.
• Gifted children may, like other children, be
perfectionistic. The zeal, persistence, hard
work, and devotion to mastery that many gifted
children exhibit represent a pursuit of
excellence that perfectionism can interfere with
their learning.
Freeing your Family from Perfectionism
• It is important to challenge your children, and yourself,
to re-evaluate beliefs and change behaviors if needed. It
is important to make clear, though, that you love your
child whatever they do or do not accomplish. They need
to know that mistakes are a part of life and mistakes
form a basis for learning.
DIALOGUE
The road to change is based on the creation of dialogue. The
more you can talk over concerns, and express feelings, the
more likely you will be able to make sense together and find
common solutions.
• Empathy: Attempt to see the world through your child’s eyes in
order to understand what making a mistake means to them,
and what they believe you expect from them.
• Self Reflection: Examine what you may have been
contributing to the problem by your actions or attitudes.
• Encouragement: Point out what you appreciate about your
child and why you love them for being who they are, not just
for what they can achieve.
• Dialogue sends a message to your children that
they are important to you, and you can work
together to solve problems, and that you respect
their ability to do that. With this acceptance, your
children will gain the courage to use their
perfectionism as positive energy.
The road to change is based on the creation of
positive dialogue
• Empathy: The intention to see the world through your
child’s eyes in order to understand what making a mistake
means to them, and what the frustrations are about.
• Self Reflection: An honest consideration of what we
ourselves may have been contributing, intentionally or not,
to the problem by our actions or attitudes. As one example:
Has praise and attention been offered only by outstanding
performance, or is there recognition and affirmation for
effort and persistence?
• Encouragement: The consistent effort to point out what
you appreciate and like about your children as who they
are, and not simply for what they can achieve.
Learn to Recognize Perfectionism
• Do you have trouble meeting your own
standards?
• Do you often feel frustrated,
depressed, anxious, or upset while
trying to meet your standards?
• Have you been told that your
standards are too high?
• Do your standards get in the way? For
example, do they make it difficult for
you to meet deadlines, finish a task,
trust others, or do anything
spontaneously?
Examples of Perfectionistic Feelings
• Black-and-white thinking- “Anything less
than perfection is unworthy,” “If I need help
from others, then I am weak.”
• Catastrophic thinking- “If I make a mistake
in front of my coworkers, I won’t be able to
survive the humiliation,” “I can’t handle
having someone being upset with me.”
• Probability overestimation- “Although I
spent all night preparing for a presentation, I
know I won’t do well.”
• Should statements- “I should never make
mistakes,” “I should never come across as
nervous or anxious,” “I should always be able
to predict problems before they occur.”
Examples of Perfectionistic Behavior
• Chronic procrastination and difficulty
completing tasks, or giving up easily.
• Overly cautious and thorough in
tasks.
• Excessive checking.
• Constantly trying to improve things by
re-doing them.
• Agonizing over small details.
• Making elaborate “to do” lists.
• Avoiding trying new things and risking
making mistakes.
Changing Perfectionistic Thinking
• Students with perfectionism are often
very critical of themselves, and one
effective way to overcome perfectionism
is to replace critical or perfectionistic
thoughts with more realistic and helpful
goals and objectives.
• Practice these helpful statements
regularly. Even if you do not believe
them right away, repetition will turn
positive realistic thoughts into a habit,
and push out more negative self-talk.
Some Examples of Positive Realistic
Statements
• “Nobody is perfect”
• “All I can do is my best!”
• “Making a mistake does not mean I’m
stupid or a failure. It means that I am
like everyone else- human. Everyone
makes mistakes!”
• “It’s okay not to be pleasant all the
time. Everyone has a bad day now
and then.”
• “It’s okay if some people don’t like me.
No one is liked by everyone!”
Examples of Perspective Taking
• How might someone else view this situation? Most people
probably would not think they are lazy if they do not exercise 2
hours everyday. Kelly, my best friend, only has time to work
out for 1 hour, 2 to 3 times a week, and feels pretty good
about it.
• Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able
to work out 2 hours every day is understandable, given a busy
schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean
I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
• What might I tell a close friend who is having similar
thoughts? It is okay to only workout for 1 hour per day or
even less. Working out regularly, say 2 to 3 times a week, is
good enough!
Looking at the Big Picture
• People with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in
details and spend a lot of time worrying about “the little
things”. One helpful strategy to worry less about details
is to ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, how can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next
week? Next year?
Compromising
•One helpful tool for dealing with black-andwhite thinking is compromising.
Compromising involves being more flexible
or even adjusting your very “high
standards.”
Do You Have Any
Questions?
Perfectionists are Capable of Ecstatic Heights
• “The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is
stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something
difficult and worthwhile. Optimal experience is thus something that
we can make happen…such experiences are not necessarily pleasant
at the time they occur, yet these experiences may have been the best
moments of one’s life.” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990, pp.5-6.
References
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York, NY: Harper & Row.
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