Cameron
Partel U.
Jason L.
Name (in order of appearance)
Chase T.
Suzy K.
Jason L.
Sunny L.
Role Scene
Commentator
Cameraman/woman
Writer
Thespian 1
Thespian 2
Thespian 3
Thespian 4
Group of Thespians (5-7)
Suzy
Jason
Sunny
Freshman 1
Freshman 2
Angry Upperclassman
Adshkan (Ad-she-can)
Bobby
Guy
Girl
Random Dude
Mrs. Wicks
Rugby Team (3-5)
A Negative
Nurse (or Murse)
Parent A
Parent B
Orchestra Dork
Band Geek
Random Walk on
Mc Hulk
Crusher
Mobster
Volleyball Girl 1
Volleyball Girl 2
Volleyball Girl 3
Chair
China
Main Submitter
U.S.A, Iraq, North & South
Korea (silent roles) and another country in between
(TOTAL 5-7)
Mr. Roberts
Mrs. Merrit
10/11
8
7
6
4
5
9
All
All
All
1
2
3

Sunny L.
Crew
Kummi
New Teacher
Edward Fan 1
Edward Fan 2
Jacob Fan 1
Jacob Fan 2
Student 1
Student 2
Student 3
Student 4
Jack Sparrow
Edward
Jacob
13
11
12
Set: A podium, table (6 person type), chairs
Costumes: Rugby Uniforms, short skirt (for girl), sparkly something (Edward), wolf costume (Jacob), pirate attire (C.J.S. Fan/himself), nurse coat, beanie (Robbo), paper nurse hat,
Props (or objects that need ‘replacing’): Needle, video camera, papers, 2 sets clipboard & pencil, band instrument, orchestra instrument, Iphone, 2 chairs, 2 laptops (all these could be drawn on A4’s).

(COMMENTATOR comes on stage with WRITER and CAMERAMAN)
Commentator: We have now entered the ISB premises. For thirty years, ISB has been a strong school; too strong- we are here to find the very source of the power and steal it so we too can be as strong.
What makes ISB what it is? Why do they keep crushing us in sport matches?
(2 THESPIANS walk on, fighting, followed from a group of students watching them.)
Commentator: Hey, what’s this? A fight? Maybe from this we can deduce their special powers!
Thespian 1: Shakespeare is like- spaghetti, okay? Nothing and no one beats spaghetti!
Thespian 2: Oh, yeah, to be or not to be? Ooooh! Genius! Like I couldn’t have thought of that one off the top of my head!
Thespian 1: You are a shallow cowardly hind, and you lie! Henry, act four, part one. You don’t have the brains to philosophise like the greatest of writers that have ever lived!
Thespian 2: Neanderthal! Everyone knows that he didn’t write any of that by himself; and yeah I can write that!
Thespian 1: There’s no proof that he didn’t! Thou gleeking onion-eyed haggard! Thou currish (struggles
for words) scurvy-valiant flax-wench!
(T2 gasps)
Thespian 1: that’s right; I said it!
Thespian 2: You bubonic paradox!
(T1 ‘punches’ T2 in the face as many times as we see fit- could add some hair pulling and slapping and
groin kicks.)
Thespian 3: Niiiiiice!
Thespian 4: Very good technique- We’ve totally got this stage combat stuff down!
(Murmurs of agreement, T1 and T2 laugh, clapping from the gathered thespians and cheering)
Thespian 1 (seriously): I wasn’t lying about the flax-wench though.
(T2 grabs T1’s hair and drags them off stage, lots of ‘ow’ and ‘ouch’ heard from T1)
Commentator: Then we went to the cafeteria because maybe their power was in their food… but we were interrupted by the Eurest ninjas so we caught this scene instead…

(Korean group comes onstage and start talking in Korean (no duh)- the commentator and crew buzz
around them a bit,)
Commentator (To one): An onion! Could we have a word?
(They all stop talking momentarily, look up, look at each other, and resume talking/laughing faster than
before- about anything.)
Cameraman: Could you tell us, perhaps, about the nature of your food?
(Koreans ignore them completely.)
Writer: Or what kind of pencil do you use during your exams? HB? 6H? 7B?
(Koreans ignore them completely.)
Cameraman: (To Sunny,) Could you speak English?
(No response)
Suzy: (looking up) Hunh?
(The three of them look at the crew, amused)
Writer: (to SUZY) DO. YOU. EVEN. SPEAK. ENGLISH?
(Suzy shrugs and keeps talking animatedly in Korean, the commentators look at themselves puzzled.)
Writer: I don’t think they understand us.
(The crew stand there and stare at the Koreans. Jason picks up on the staring and whispers to the other two that they’re being watched- in Korean, of course)
Suzy, Jason, Sunny: (in unison) What are you looking at?!
Commentator: (Moving away from Koreans and moving to the other side of the stage. Lights go down
on Koreans and they exit.) Now we see a pair of diligent Freshmen typing away at their computers during lunch time! What… what hard workers these ISB people are… Could this intense studying be the key to their victory?
Freshy 1: ROFLMAO~ look at that head shot!
Freshy 2: No that’s not how you use a SG552 Commando! If you’re going to stay still like a noob, you might as well switch to a Para and spray bullets.
Commentator: A SG55… what? Are they really working?

Freshy 1: Oh my God, how can you be so bad? You’re not even aiming at the head line! You have absolutely no pro skillz! And who uses a Sig P228? All the pros use Desert Eagle.
Freshy 2: LOL! Look at me own this newbie! Yeah~ look at that uber ownage~
Commentator: Guess not…
(UPPERCLASSMEN walk by with big textbooks in hand and glare at the freshmen, shaking their heads
before walking on)
Freshy 1: C’mon let’s go to the next block or we’re going to be late again.
Commentator: They’re on the move! Maybe if we follow them to class, we might learn a thing or two about how they study.
Freshy 2: Yeah just wait one second, let me call my ayi real quick. I left my laptop at home.
(Takes out a iPhone)
Freshy 1: Is that an iPhone 4? I thought those were uber new and really hard to get?
Freshy 2: Psh, not really. I just got daddy to put some pressure on the Apple people and pay a few extra hundred dollars to get one. He would do anything for me you know.
Freshy 1: Huh, I see…
Freshy 2: Yeah ayi? Bring my laptop to school right now. I need to play CS during Asian Studies with the macbook I bought yesterday. What do you mean which macbook? Obviously the special limited edition
Power Max gold plated 8000 dollar one I bought with my week’s allowance! Gosh how can you be so stupid?
(Turns iPhone off and throws it behind him)
Ok, let’s go.
Freshy 1: WTF aren’t you going to pick up your phone?
Freshy 2: What do you mean? I’ve used it once already. Time to get another one. Geez, get with the times or you’re going to become even more noobified.
Commentator: Is that… a brand new iPhone 4… on the floor?!
(WRITER and CAMERAMAN dive for it- one of them pockets it victorious)
Freshy 1: You know I completely pwned you back then with my SMG skillz. That was just like pure uberness, you know. You prob can’t even kill one bot with haxx LOL!
(Walk off stage laughing and doing random finger movements)

Commentator: So their power doesn’t lie in the food they eat, or how hard working they are…hmm…(like it’s a brilliant idea) let’s see if maybe it’s in their communication skills! We’re now in the hallways of the high school area… Here comes a new student who came from Turkey, Adshkan Yilmaz and his new peer-helper at ISB, Bobby Jerkins from America.
Writer, what would you add?
Writer: (pushes glasses) I’d say according to my studies, these students are well rounded and skilled in many ways, so I wouldn’t have a doubt as to that being the reason behind their “pwning” us…
Commentator: (scandalized) Writer!
Bobby: So, Add—sha—kan? Yeah- too hard. Well I’ll just call you dude from now on.
Adshkan: (with thick accent) Vhy do peeple call each odderr that? It’s so vally veird.
Bobby: (laughs) Dude! Did you grow up in a bubble? Dude, is like, totally slang for ‘friend.
Adshkan: Oh I see! Zen, hey- DOODE.
Commentator: see their superb pronunciation skills? That’s something we lack.
Writer: Hmmph, I’m good at pro-noun-see-a-tion!
Commenatator: SHHHH!!!
Adshkan: So vy is your school so vally vally beeg? I caun’t seem to get arouunnnd to class fast enuff.
Bobby: Well, we have a specially designed school to …ermm….allow students to get to class on time, by taking the elevators and exercising while going to class! Yeah, that’s why.
Adshkan: But the elevators are still so vally vally slow man.
Bobby: yeah, that’s true but still, it’s pretty sweet.
Adshkan: Sveet? Like candies? Vhy is the school “sveet”? (with a smile) Can ve eat the school?!
Bobby: Lol. What, was your last school made of chocolate or something? No- we can’t eat the school, that’s just a phrase which means like “cool”, or “pretty good” or “nice” I guess. Oh man! Look at the time- I gotta go to Junior Study hall, now that is pretty sweet, I can go anywhere I want. Yeah freedom!
Gimme some man. (holds out fist but gets no reaction from ADSHKAN)
Adshkan: (grabs both his hands and shakes it with a big smile on his face) Gud bye to you too my frrriend! (Turns around to leave but Bobby grabs him by the shoulder, a strange look on his face)
Bobby: Hahaha. Dude, no one refuses a pound from me.
Adshkan: A vat?

Commentator: It seems like poor Adshkan doesn’t know what a fist pound is; let’s see what Bobby does to teach him these technical social moves.
Bobby: You’re supposed to pound it, man; with the fist (does motion). Get with the times!
Adshkan: Oooh okay, I’ve got it DOODE.
Bobby: I’m going now- if you get lost just chill, and I’ll come find you eventually. (Exits stage)
Adshkan: (calls after) Okay! I shall see you in ze Eurest fridge, cooling, DOODE!
Commentator: Hmm interesting…It seems like every day, someone learns something new and useful around here. Oh! What is this here?
(GUY and GIRL walk onto stage holding hands)
Commentator: Here we have an adorable couple holding hands and walking. ISB people really seem to get along well with one another… Let’s look into this a bit more…
(Suddenly stopping and looks face to face with GIRL. COMMENTATOR bumps into them and falls back.
GUY and GIRL ignore him)
Guy: You… complete me.
Girl: Please go on. I love it when you talk about how much you love me.
Guy: You know what I think babe? I think God was showing off when he made you ‘cause you’re that amazing.
Girl: Ah~ I feel so faint when I’m in your arms because my head is so full of love… for you…
Guy: Swoon… I’ll catch you.
Random Dude: Excuse me? You’re kind of blocking the way? Can you get out of the way and do whatever you’re doing elsewhere? It’s kinda nasty.
Guy: (Ignores DUDE) Love, like this corridor, is full of obstacles! But I know that with your hand in mine, we can overcome anything! Together! As one!
Random Dude: What in the world… I’ll just go around… What complete creepers…
(Walks out)
Commentator: What… friendly people…
Girl: Yes! Let’s continue to stand here, looking into each other’s eyes and feel the love between us.
(The two begin simply standing and staring at each other, smiling and rarely blinking. MS. WICKS walks
in, sees GIRL’S skirt and acts all surprised.)

Commentator: Oh no, it’s Ms. Wicks, the head honcho around these parts! I better hide! The last thing she needs to suspect us of is espionage!
(MS. WICKS takes out ruler and begins measuring the length of the skirt and begins shaking her head.
Couple ignores her and continues staring. Grabs GIRL’S hand and begins pulling her off the GUY and
dragging her.)
Ms. Wicks: You, little missy, are 2cm short of the dress code limit! The student teacher handbook give to you at the beginning of the year specifically states that all skirts and shorts must at least be 32.73cm but yours is 30.51! Unforgivable! Treason!
Girl: Nooooooo!!! Don’t tear me away from my beloved! You break my heart!
Guy: Dear vice principle! You doom the both of us to the fate of star-crossed lovers! How can you be so cruel!
Ms. Wicks: (clicks fingers) Rugby team. I need you to remove this eyesore of a man immediately. Give him the boot, medium style.
(RUGBY people come running on and drag the guy off. As MS. WICKS, smiling walks off with the crying
GIRL, RUGBY TEAM make stomping noises back stage as GUY pretends to be getting beaten up. After a while, the RUGBY TEAM come back out, huddle and scream. A ball is thrown on stage and the RUGBY
TEAM tackle, blowout, pick up the ball and run off stage.)
Commentator: Next, we decided to go off campus for a bit to find what exactly make these people tick.
Or more specifically; what the heck in is their blood?!
(A- is sitting in chair in a blood drive booth filling out forms)
Nurse: (enters) Are you nearly finished with those forms? The blood drive booth will be closing soon.
A – : Yes, I am. And I can’t believe I get 5 hours of community service per ounce of blood! Are you sure you can’t take more?
Nurse: (Looks at A – funny) Not unless you want to pass out. Now do you know your blood type?
A – : No, but I’m sure it’s A plus. Just like my grades!
Nurse: ok, well I’m required to check it just to be sure.
(A- hums to him/herself and looks around the room patiently. Says ‘sup’ to the commentator who is
standing there rigid, as if part of a wall (chameleon))
Nurse: (returning) Ok well, everything is set if you’ll just sit still. Oh, and for your convenience, your blood type is actually A negative. You were close with your guess.
A – : (recoils from NURSE, shock, laughs nervously) Are you sure? What questions did I get wrong? Can I take a retest? Are you sure you counted right?

Nurse: It’s not a test in the SCHOOL sense… It’s just genetics.
A – : (on verge of tears) So I can’t change it?
Nurse: (looks at A -, walks off)
A – : (hyperventilates) Oh no… oh no, no, no! I can’t get an A negative! Not again! I cannot be the very embodiment of an A minus!!! I’m a FAILURE! I’ll never get into Harvard now; it’s in my blood! (cries)
(PARENT 1 and 2 come into the tent)
Parent 1: Hey. Honey, is everything alright?
A – : (sobs)
Parent 2: Oh, I know what will cheer you up! Your teacher called, and great news, you got the highest score in the class on your test! An A minus!
A – : (Looks up horrified and runs off stage sobbing, PARENTS follow after.)
(COMMENTATOR, WRITER and CAMERAMAN are left behind on stage.)
Commentator: Back at school again. We’ve been trying to track down those stage fighters we saw earlier. Writer here is convinced that they are actually part of ISB’s secret service. I believe we should find them in the P.A hallway. Quick Cameraman! Check the board for any names we can track down!
Cameraman: I can only see… audition stuff. What’s an all-toh <alto>? Sur-prAn-oh!
(BG slowly enters stage, clutching band instrument case (bass guitar, trumpet or something) He looks
around cautiously and then gestures to someone off stage. A girl (OD) with a violin case runs on.)
BG- You’re here!
(They look around quickly and then dump their instruments and hug)
OD- I’ve missed you!
BG- I’ve missed you too, my darling!
(RANDOM WALK ON walks on stage and they leap apart)
OD- Orchestra totally beats band!
BG- You don’t know what you’re talking about! Band obviously has the wider range of emotional….
(RANDOM WALK ON keeps walking and exits stage. BG and OD fly into a hug)
BG- I didn’t mean it at all!

OD- I know, me neither. Our love can never be! An orch dork and a band geek! What would the children be?
BG- (struggling) Band dorks!
OD- It sounds beautiful when you say it!
BG- Let’s go public! We could play a duet at the LMC concert!
OD- But what if they reject us? What if they try to tear us apart?
BG- We can make it work. We can make beautiful music together!
OD- I know… last night was amazing. (pause) That duet you wrote for US was so beautiful! (pause)
Alright, we’ll do it! Who cares if they don’t accept us!
BG- So we’ll play in the LMC concert?
OD- Yes! Yes! A thousand musical notes yes!
(He picks her up and spins her around. They both grab their instrument cases and run off together.
COMMENTATOR and CREW are left onstage, they move to the other side of the stage that has just lit up.)
Commentator: We have now reached the hallways of this ever victorious school, and look! Over there!
It’s the Activities Office…hmm interesting (pauses with shocked expression) Oh. My. Goodness. They have a whole hallway of cabinets dedicated to holding tournament championship trophies! This is fascinating! Seeing that back at the Headquarters we only have a lonely little case of 5 trophies at most… maybe we could steal one?
Camera woman: And look at their athletic students, look at their strong build and how courageous they look in these pictures on the wall! (COMMENTATOR tries to open the “case” and take a trophy) Oh wait, don’t steal just yet! Besides, our suitcases aren’t big enough for those shiny golden trophies (fawns over
them and has expression of fascination) Here come the high school girls from the rugby team, quickly hide!
(RUGBY GIRLS come in looking buff and gruff in striped uniforms, cleats. They also have blue and white face paint smeared on face and arms. They seem to be waiting for the Volleyball girls, with expressions of anger and wanting to beat someone up)
Mc Hulk: Where are those losers from the volleyball team? They said they would meet us here after lunch to “talk”…they are soo not going to just let us wait! Waiting is like for wussies. We can’t wait for people! They wait for us!!! We need speed, agility and to tackle someone NOW. ARRRRGGHHH! (PARTEL)
Crusher: Yeah! It’s time to CRUSH someone!
Rugby Girls: RAWWWRRRRR!!....
Commentator: Woa! This is really getting exciting, let’s keep observing and see what happens. We’ll also maybe discover some of their tactical secrets as well.

(VOLLEYBALL GIRLS enter; they are wearing white / blue uniform tees with knee pads and spandex shorts and look smaller, and a lot less domineering then Rugby Girls)
Mobster: Oh there you are you bunch of cowards. So you losers finally came…what do you want from us other than stealing our “teammates” to switch to your team?
Volleyball Girl #1: Well you know we are just as good as you are- no, in fact we are much better; we are the actual champions for China Cup! In your face suckers! (They growl at each other a bit) But let’s get to the point; I’m not going to waste valuable practice time for you.
Volley ball Girl #2: We came here for one reason and one reason only. We want to put you up to the ultimate challenge. We challenge you to trade sports with us for a while, maybe just a few minutes to get a feel of how difficult it is to play volleyball.
Crusher: And if we lose?
Volleyball Girl #2: You mean, when you lose; you’ll be wearing a T-shirt saying ‘VOLLEY BALL ROCKS!
RUGBY TOTALLY SUCKS’ for a whole week; no washing. (Maliciously) But it’s not like you wash in the first place anyways.
Mc Hulk: As if you can fit all those words on that T-shirt. You guys are so pathetic. Mobster, Crusher!
Huddle!
(They huddle and whisper amongst themselves as Volleyball girls yawn and look at their fingernails)
McHulk: Alright we’ll take the offer. When do we start?
Volleyball Girl 2: When do you think? Now!
Mobster: Alright let’s do this!!
(VOLLEYBALL GIRL grabs ball from sidelines)
Volleyball #2: (Slowly, as if the other girls are dumb) So… here’s… a volleyball. VOLLEYBALL. Just try to pass the ball first-if you can, you must hit it directly with your fingers, as a set, or forearms as a bump.
The ball isn’t supposed to touch the ground and you can’t hold it after receiving it. Let’s just try to get that first okay? (To the other VOLLEYBALL GIRL) Next we’ll make em’ embarrass themselves by teaching them how to spike! HA!
Crusher: Alright already, we’ve got this and it’s not like we’re dumbnuts.
Mobster: McHulk, you get over there and I’ll try to pass this softie lil’ ball to you, (to self) I’m sure it’s not that hard I mean all you’ve got to do is hold it throw it and…and…(tries a few times but misses the
ball completely when bumping) how do you hit this thing!?
Commentator: It seems like “Mobster” from the Rugby team is having a dilemma. What will she do to stop looking like fool? And what the heck is the meaning behind these rather… peculiar nicknames? Are they the source to ISB’s reigning victory?
Writer: Perhaps it is so.

Commentator: Yes. Or maybe they’re just that good.
(Both shrug)
Crusher: (Struggles with ball but finally manages to fling the ball to MOBSTER who catches the ball) HAH!
I caught it. IN YOUR FACES!! What up now losers? Total Pwnage
Volleyball Girl #2: Dude, you’re not supposed to catch it. You have to pass it on the go.
McHulk: You know what? This is stupid- It’s RUGBY TIME!
Rugby Girls: RAWRRRRRRRRRRR!
Volleyball girl 1: No way, we dragons are too sophisticated for your little mucky, snotty little games. We have too much class.
Mobster: No! You’re such a wuss! We dragons, unlike you guys, are warriors, and our honor is determined by the blood on our hands and the number of concussions we’ve received. And given.
Crusher: Wait… aren’t we all dragons? I mean… like… we’re one team right… from the same school?
McHulk: Heey…come to think of it you’re actually right Crusher!
Volleyball girl 3: (dumbly) yeah... we’re all like- dragons!
Crusher: Wait- Are we friends now?
Volleyball girl 2: Totally!
McHulk: Good. (takes out a Rugby ball) But the bet is still on!
(starts teaching them how to play meanwhile…)
Commentator: I guess that’s that. Everyone is happy- but us…We can’t even find out why they’re so good here! Perhaps teamwork? Oh, I don’t know. Writer? Cameraman? Time to pack up, let’s hit the
M.U.N conference! Perhaps we may worm the information diplomatically out of them, hunh?
Commentator: Oh what’s going on here?
(MUN DELEGATES are seated with placards, while the CHAIR is sitting in the front. All look very serious and solemn.)
Chair: (monotone) House please come to order. The next topic to be debated is the question of exploitation of local farms by multi-national corporations. Will the main submitter please approach the podium and read out the operative clauses.
Commentator: In English, they’re starting.
(MAIN SUBMITTER approaches podium, mouths words.)

Commentator:(yawns) Excuse me. This is actually very intense—in a very succinct way. The delegates are sharing their brilliant ideas actively with note-passing; oh, North Korea just passed a note to South
Korea! A possible declaration of nuclear war?! Let’s see what they are conspiring. (Looks over SOUTH
KOREA’s shoulder, reads the note) “I like your shirt, but I would like it better on my hotel room floor…”
Interesting. At least for me, I see some hope of a “united” Korea…hopefully under consent. Anyways!
This time I see some intimate notes passed between USA and Iraq! Let’s hope for some proper diplomatic action this time. (Moves over) USA says: “Are you a Pikachu? ‘Cause you’re electrifying.” O! kay…Moving on. Uh Oh! After the extensive speeches by the main and second submitters of this resolution, a brave delegate of China has stood up to bash this resolution! Let’s hear him out.
China: Honorable chair and esteemed delegates, the delegate of china beseeches all member nations to vote against this resolution, for it is like Paris Hilton’s evening dress; it is full of holes and very transparent in its inappropriateness.
Commentator: Alright… I definitely had enough of this!
Commentator: Another very strange thing about the International School of Beijing is that students get short school days every Wednesday. For some reason, as we walk around the hallway at this hour, students seem to be all happy and relieved about going home an hour earlier. But it seems quite ironic, since all they get to do at home with that extra hour is sit and do their homework, which is even worse than being at school. If the school were to respect the ISB students and reduce their level of stress, perhaps extending school to 4:30 on Wednesdays while guaranteeing no homework on Wednesday nights seems to be a better solution. Now, we are here, in front of the teacher’s meeting room, to find out about what the teachers do in secret on Wednesdays, while all the students are let out early.
(MERRITT energetically walks towards the door of the meeting room, but is interrupted by the commentator.)
Commentator: Hi, Ms. Merritt.
Ms. Merritt: Hell-o!
Commentator: Hello, do you mind telling us about this “faculty meeting”?
Merritt: (takes off glasses and squints) I’m obliged to retain information concerning the English department, but since I teach IB History, English, Economics, TOK, and a caboodle of other humanities subject, I’ll let the information slip. The teachers divide up into their subject areas and fight mind battles against groups from other subject areas. Yayy! (Does her clapping jumping dance)
Commentator: So which would you say is your biggest rival subject?
Merritt: I would love to talk, lemmings, however my new Edward Cullen poster just came and I must rearrange my collection of miniature ponies. I suggest you ask Mr. Roberts. Seeeee Yaaaah!
(MERRITT exits. Mr. ROBBO is seen walking towards the door where the CAMERAMAN, WRITER, and
COMMENTATOR are standing at.)
Commentator: Hi, Mr. Roberts,

Roberts: Magnificent pal, what do you want?
Commentator: We are from this—like—organization—
Roberts: Stop saying like.
Commentator: We just want to conduct a kind of—
Roberts: Stop saying kind of.
Commentator: We’d just like to interview you for a couple of minutes—
Roberts: I’ve go’ no time for that, I go’a attend a mee’ing in about 4 seconds. Go ahead and beat your drum.
Commentator: Sorry, could you speak English please?
Roberts: Hurry up!
Commentator: Okay. So what’s like the—
Roberts: Stop saying like.
Commentator: What’s the main kind of purpose of this—
Roberts: Stop saying kind of.
Commentator: What. Is. The. Purpose. Of. Your. Meeting.
Roberts: To meet. Next question?
Commentator: Uh… okay. Well, umm…
Roberts: That’s an excellent sentence by the way.
Commentator: What?
Roberts: I’m running out of time hurry up.
( waits a moment) Com'on. say som'in stupid so I can have a laugh.
Commentator: Oh- uh- okay. Who is—no, like, no I mean not like. Could you tell us what happens in this faculty meeting for the next two hours?
Roberts: We discuss crap. Right, troopers, game over. Cya la’er.
Commentator: No, Mr. Roberts, we have three more questions to go—
Roberts: No, I’m late now, because of all of your mindless crap. Stop wasting my time. Now I’m in beef and bubble.
Commentator: Beef and bubble? What’s that?

Writer: Trouble!
Roberts: Good lad. Right, disappear, teddy bears.
(ROBBO exits.)
Writer: Is he the most intimidating teacher at ISB?
Commentator: Apparently he is also the coach of ISB girl’s rugby team…
Writer: No wonder he looks so…
Commentator: What?
Writer: Sexxyyy…
Commentator: Uhhh—MOVING ON, Instead of asking questions to random teachers, we should instead attempt an infiltration into the room.
Scene: MERRIT, ROBBO, KUMI, and NEW TEACHER are gathered around a table in a dark room. One is grading test papers, the others playing poker, or a card game of the like. Teachers must continue playing throughout the scene COMMENTATOR, CAMERAMAN and WRITER sneak in from one side.
Commentator: (quietly) We have infiltrated our way into a faculty meeting, one of the many that goes on every Wednesday here at ISB, hoping to find something out about the teachers.
Kumi: I see your 50, and raise you another 50.
Robbo: Check
Merritt: (throws cards onto table) Fold.
Writer: Are they playing… poker? Isn’t this supposed to be a time to plan how to better collaborate and enrich the minds of these young students?
Commentator: Well, at least one teacher is working hard. Let’s see what (s)he is working on.
(NEW TEACHER puts down pen, clears throat. Other teachers continue playing. Clears throat again.
ROBBO looks up.)
Robbo: Can we help you?
New Teacher: Yeah, aren’t we supposed to be using this time do to work? To plan out our lessons? Not to play card games?
(Other teachers laugh as if sharing an inside joke.)

Kumi: (condescendingly) Ah, newbie, you know so little about what being an ISB teacher involves. You see, if you do things the right way, you don’t have to ever work at these meetings.
New teacher: I don’t quite understand what you mean…
Merritt: I’ll explain. There are three things that we could accomplish.
Robbo: We could plan our lessons.
Kumi: Or we could set up tests and exams.
Merritt: Or grade tests, homework …the like.
New teacher: And you choose not to do these things because…?
Robbo: Right, that takes up way too much of our time, so we’ve come up with an easier method, one that counters the moral guideline of ISB teachers.
Kumi: You see, while the students might have Six Pillars that they base their lives on, we teachers have one and only one, and that is this; to make life as horrible as possible for those beneath us!
(New Teacher looks horrified.)
Merritt: Wait, you haven’t heard the best part. (Claps hands) Tell her the best part.
Kumi: The best part is how we use this Pillar to get around doing work we’re supposed to do. Instead of planning for lessons, we decide to talk for an hour and a half about something that may or may not have to do with what we’re actually studying. If we drift off topic for a couple of lessons, all the better! Worse grades all around!
Robbo: Instead of setting up tests and exams, we go through a couple of checklists. We put the basic information that we actually taught in there, and then we see what we never got around to. I never taught my kids about the idiosyncratic climate within Hamlet, and how it may have affected Ophelia’s death, so I’m basing a 7 page written commentary on it!
Merrit: Then, we discuss and note when other teachers have their assessments, and schedule them on the same day.
New Teacher: It makes sense I suppose, but how are they supposed to study?
Merrit: Is that our problem?
Robbo: And as for grading papers, all you need is a coin. I never bother reading answers, I just flip a coin.
Heads, they’re a leg-end. Tails; then it’s bad news teddy bears!
New Teacher: And you do this for every class?
Robbo: Of course! I haven’t done more than 3 hours of work all year. Leaves more time for Rugby and
Cricket.

New Teacher: I guess you’re right. (Throws pen that was using to grade with behind him/her) Deal me in the next hand.
(Much clapping, congratulations from other teachers for turning to the dark side. Deals NEW TEACHER
a hand.)
New Teacher: (Rests feet on table) I think I’m going to like working here.
(COMMENTATOR, CAMERAMAN and WRITER have been in the corner, looking progressively more horrified.)
Cameraman: These teachers are pure evil! Let’s get out of here before they find us and pull our toenails out or something!
(COMMENTATOR, CAMERAMAN and WRITER sneak out.)
Scene: Stage is empty; EDWARD FAN 1 and EDWARD FAN 2 (E.F 1 & E.F 2) come on stage discussing something inaudible to the audience. Everything seems normal until you finally hear them speak.
E.F 1: So, how did it go? (whisper) I’m not seeing any changes yet!
E.F. 2: He agreed to bite me.
E.F 1: (excited) And?
E.F 2: (whine) I didn’t turn!
E.F 1: THAT SCUMBAG!
E.F 2: Exactly; I dumped him right after.
E.F 1: Hey, at least we did the mitosis lab Biology today; that wasn’t a complete waste of time. I am so glad Mrs. Fournier played us that excerpt from the movie! It helped me so much.
E.F 2: (exasperatedly) I know; I’ll just have to start my search all over again. Gosh- why are vampires all running away from me? I mean did you see Jason come in late today? Totally avoided the perfectly empty seat beside me; but I cut my finger on my paper five minutes before. I think he’s a vampire; I almost asked him if he would drink my blood. I’m so in love!
E.F 1: You two would be so twilight ! But don’t forget to turn me once he does- or hook me up with one of his vampire friends.
E.F 2: Of course! We totally made a pact- can we stop for a minute? I am so thirsty I swear that if I don’t find something to drink soon I’ll drink my own blood.
(They stop and E.F 2 takes out a water bottle while E.F 1’s Iphone beeps.)

E.F 1: (after taking out phone): Oh no! It’s sunny out in Forks!
E.F 2: (frowns) Poor Cullens! I think we should write them a letter. There’s less sun here, and they could transfer to ISB- unless they sparkle in the pollution too…
(E.F 2 keeps drinking as E.F 1 keeps pressing buttons on the Iphone. JACOB FAN 1 and JACOB FAN2 (J.F 1
& J.F 2) emerge with papers stuck onto their shirts that read ‘team Jacob’ in big block letters. They are obsessing over the latest Jacob Black merchandise.)
J.F 1: (in the middle of a conversation already) I mean; the cutout is just about my height and so totally hot; I have plans for it to be my date to prom.
J.F 2: OMG! I was thinking of taking my dog as my date! He’s a Siberian husky and looks just like Jacob in his werewolf form *swoons*
J.F 1: OMG!! Totally- that is so twilight! (Looks over to E.F 1 &2) OMG you are so ecofriendly. Jacob would totally love you for that; that is so twilight!
E.F 2: Uh, no, Edward would. See- Edward themed. (shows bottle)
(E.F 1 quickly tapes a paper that says TEAM EDWARD on the Edward fan shirts to prove point. J.F 1 & 2 leap back in disgust and assume almost animalistic poses. EDWARD FANS hiss obnoxiously, showing their teeth.)
J.F 1: (growls) Edward fans!
E.F 2: (Hiss) Jacob fans!
(They lunge at each other; lots of hair pulling and slapping, as well as a lot of EDWARD SUCKS & JACOB
SUCKS and other twilight related insults, but nothing more formidable then that. Make it as cheesy as you want; we’re aiming for bad 70ies special effects here. *like the movie!*. A group of students (a posse) go onstage and witness the fight. Student 1 approaches them.)
S1: (breaking up the fight) Guys! Guys! Stop- the moon festival is not a time to be fighting; it is a time of harmony. I’m sure we can all settle this over some *new* moon cakes!
E.F 1: Like I’d share a moon cake with that slobbery bad breathed dog lover!
J.F 1: Cutesy vampire pansy!
S2: (gasps) How dare you!
S3: (scoffs) What- you’re an Edward fan? Ew- get away from me. TEAM JACOB!
S4: (defending S2) like (she or he) would want to spend the rest of her life with a fur ball!
(They all fall into incoherent arguing, TEAM JACOB stage left and TEAM EDWARD stage right- put multiple levels while they’re arguing (some people crouching etc…) and use lots of arm movements.
Think more of a mirror image of both teams onstage (like they’re both kind of similar). CUE PIRATES OF
THE CARRABIAN MUSIC) One solitary JACK SPARROW (or something like that- team pirate or ninja would be good too) fan comes out in full pirate attire, waving a pirate flag. The arguers stop in mid-sentence and watch the J.S.F come center stage, waving the flag.)
J.S.F: (Proudly) YARRR! TEAM CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!! YO-HO!!!

(The twihards look at each other, and then all rip off their team EDWARD & JACOB papers from their shirts and follow J.S.F offstage, cheering TEAM CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW! TEAM CAPTAIN JACK
SPARROW! TEAM JACK SPARROW! And also many ‘yarrr’s are heard. Chanting fades out, and Edward and Jacob walk onstage.)
Edward: (sulkily)Hey! Where are all my fans!?!
Jacob howls at the sky.
Blackout.
(
( Lights go up on other side of the stage
Moment of silence)
Writer: Well that’s that
Commentator: "What's what?"
)
Writer: ISB is just that awesome.
Cameraman: Yeah, there is a secret or something. One which, sadly, we'll never figured out.
Writer: No, we found out something amazing: it’s in the air they breathe in, it’s the pollution!
Commentator: Are you serious? All ISB people: the teacher, students, miscellaneous couples, sports teams, grade-obsessed nerds, have- (
Blackout )
Pauses dramatically)
Cameraman: What? What is it?
Commentator: It’s-
(
Bows.