Argument Final Drafts Comments:
Redundancy:
Redundancy (both in sentence, paragraph, and essay form) weakens your argument significantly.
Using repetition in order to fill the space or to reinforce what you have already said in two pages is
not a good strategy. Here are some examples of what I mean:
“ideas and beliefs”
“readings and literature”
“devoting their lives to learning and being educated”
“They will be able to achieve and become successful, achieving their goals.” –Sentence level
redundancy
“He believed that if you read, then I actually made you not think for yourself, but he believed that if you
didn’t read than you would think more for yourself.” –Sentence level redundancy
“We humans are special in our ability to think critically and use reason and logic. Human beings have
more intelligence than any other creature on the face of the earth. Our ingenuity and ability to think
outside the box separates us from all creation…” – Paragraph level redundancy
“Many people think many ways. Many people see things differently. Some people learn different and
some learn the same. Some individuals like lectures while others like to get up and engage in an
activity…Some people think that you have to learn a certain way. However, we are all created different
and learn differently. What learning style works for some may not work for others.” –Paragraph level
redundancy
Intro and Conclusions of the same essay:
“Thinking makes thoughts that make up our choices we make. Reading tells us how to think, which
makes our thoughts not really ours. It is proven that when we think for ourselves, which is stated by
Arthur Schopenhauer a German philosopher, that we stay in the same mood and give us more to think
about. Also when we think for ourselves, we do what please us, stimulating our senses. Another reason
thinking for ourselves is good is because it stretches brain power.”
“Thinking makes thoughts that create our choices we make in everyday life. Reading is a bad way to
help us make our decisions because it forces thought upon us. It is proven that when we think for
ourselves, which is stated by Arthur Schopenhauer a German philosopher, that we are likely to stay in
the same mood and putting us in this state of being will give us more to think about. Also when we
think for ourselves, which is doing what pleases us, will stimulate our senses to an unknown level.
Another reason thinking for ourselves is good is because it stretches are brains to make them much
more powerful than before.”
“Like I said before…” In a two page essay, we won’t forget what you said. Don’t re-state anything.
“As touched on briefly in the previous paragraph”—transition to the second paragraph
In one essay, I read the word “Reading” 21 times in a two page essay. In another, 23 times in a page
and a half. In yet another, the word “book” shows up 19 times. In yet another, the phrase “think for
yourself” was written 11 times.
TYPOS:
Proofread your paper. The sheer amount of typos and left-out words and
misspelled/unpunctuated/uncapitalized words were staggering. NEVER turn in a copy of your rough
draft for your final draft. Just because you have put your thoughts on paper doesn’t mean they are
gloriously perfect and ready for publication. Sentences like these are avoidable:
“Schopenhauer also argues that many people who rely on books and books only in order to learn, the
dumber they are.”
Schopenhauer’s claim is “somewhat true but also undoubtedly false.”
“His claim is false…this completely proves his claim.”
“The hands on experience allow for visual learns to comprehend the knowledge visually in the heads but
also allows them to understand to process the idea behind the knowledge given.”
“The students who applies the knowledge that they learned in school, will be able to use the multiple
different coherent ideas that are following through their heads to be able to understand knowledge to a
much high degree than the student that a typical student who just learns and memorizes out of a book.”
“Not every writer is inspired or able to write solitude or being surrounded in nature.”
“One should not over extent there learning of new things when they don’t know the basic knowledge of
their own culture and background.”
In the concluding paragraph of an essay challenging Schopenhauer’s claims: “Reading does suffocate the
free thought of men…” We need the “not” in order for this to make sense and to accord with the rest
of the essay.
“This type of understanding make the person allows a person to understand matters of a higher degree
because they will be able to apply any previous knowledge form different or the same subject onto a
new subject and eventually it.”
“Schopenhauer last argument of his piece where he argues that while books are great there is a limit to
what they can teach you.”
“Reading inhibits freedom because; the pages bound your limits.”
Bad phrases:
“Reading…can create self-thought and opinions.”
“literature books”
“To take this into hands,” – used as a transition
“Alike Benjamin Franklin,”-- transition
“Non-fiction focuses on the agreed facts of the people.”
Reading “dulls people down.”
“If someone were to only read Schopenhauer’s assessment about thinkers and readers, then it is very
unlikely that they will understand what just passed through their doorstep.”
“Facts are a must in any situation, but who had those thoughts in the beginning? The people with
original thoughts did.”
“I believe having an equal balance between reading books and discovering things for you to create a
natural creativity would be beneficial.”
“A specific statement that Schopenhauer made clear is false.”
“…Reading can cause one to become misconstrued…”
“When Schopenhauer makes the dots click I agree with him for the most part and I also think that a man
who has the knowledge and power, but doesn’t is a useless man for society.”
Filler sentences:
Don’t write the dates someone you are writing about lived—this is not relevant whatsoever to your
argument and can be regarded as filler.
“Books have been regarded since their invention as infinite sources of knowledge…”
“Anyone in the world can access the information, no travel necessary.”
“Since the inception of the human conscious…”
“The thing is, is that his theory on the matter isn’t the best.”
“Thinking makes thoughts that make up our choices we make.”
“One can become very smart by memorizing the textual facts and truths.”
“There are billions of people on this planet.”
“Reading, being very important to many people, has been a big part of learning for a very long time.”
“If you are a reader you will most definitely understand.”
“Guiding something is to hold its hand through a process and provide definite direction.”
“Learning is one of the most important aspects of life.”
“Thinking, by itself, is of the utmost importance to human minds.”
“Without reading, people couldn’t learn how to write, no writing no written communication.”
“For centuries, we have known that we, mankind, have progressed in a millennia along with much
advancement in technology and education.”
“If they are able to think and come up with ideas and read also, it adds extra thought into what he needs
to accomplish.”
“In many instances, authors will emphasize their opinions through their works.”
“Reading and the ability to think for oneself are very important parts of life.”
“For ages people have been enlightened through books.”
“Books and other objects that hold knowledge have been around for centuries.”
“Thinking and reading could be similar but they aren’t.”
“Thomas Jefferson…wrote and signed the Declaration of Independence at the age of thirty-three …” –
How is Jefferson’s age relevant to the argument or the topic being discussed?
“A planet without thoughts would be…different.”
“Men aren’t the exception just because they are wired differently than women.” This essay does not
mention women again, which is great because it’s extremely irrelevant.
Awkward Phrasing:
“From books, to scripts, to even walls, reading has been around for thousands and thousands of years.”
“Many books are used for many purposes such as educational and occupational, as well as to cite
sources.”
“Reading can make you think of ideas, which you never would have thought of without.”
“This can help you then become to make your own observations and thinking about things in the world
and in life.”
Us “reading robs the mind of all elasticity.”
“Their mind’s still has much to give.”
“Past experiences induce memories and thoughts that sharpen minds to learn from prior ideas.”
“Books bring about flexibility, not marginalizing flexibility by introducing numerous ideas, thoughts, and
stories that could never have been experienced in a lifetime.”
“Reading can be very influential to man in a way that stirs up new ideas thought by themselves.”
“Happy stories bring happy thoughts, and sad stories bring sad thoughts but not always do stories even
affect us.”
“There are plenty of cultural books and language books that help you to become known of different
things in the world.”
“Without reading, thinking can become more primitive and eventually incompetent.”
“Shopenhaur argues that thinking for oneself can be more beneficial to increasing knowledge, however,
reading other sources can stimulate the mind, meaning both elements together could enhance it all
around.”
“Schopenhauer’s argument would be considered invalid to those who would like to believe they have
made something of themselves because they would argue that it is sheer dumb luck or hard work and
dedication, which helped them, become successful.”
“… furthermore, adversity can be applied in several different formations that work off the basis of an
individual.”
“Situations from many people in society can contribute to this factor of the scenario.”
“Thinking for yourself is great, but without the facts that you will read your thoughts cannot be taken as
the truth.”
“With the vast amounts of subjects literature people will be expanding their minds to many cultures and
ideas that they might not be able to view in their society.”
“This can be paralleled to the adult world too, not only as verbatim as the previous example because
there are some snooty people out there who fit the descriptions perfectly…”
“Applying knowledge is very significant consequences by choice that spawns from reading.”
“He conflicts how our mind have a natural instinct, but we also need knowledge.”
“Not many existent men, that don’t want to think, come to mind.”
“…he writes about the application of books must be done, or said knowledge of books is useless…"
FACT CHECK
“Reading to some people is a nuisance but it’s what almost everyone in the world has to deal with every
day until the day they die.”
“In preparation of writing the constitution, Benjamin Franklin read many political books.” – Madison
would have been a better choice. Though Franklin was present for the signing, he was not active in
creating the constitution.
“While he believes men that read a lot aren’t critical thinkers, even attributing a quote from the pope, it
isn’t the case.”- Schopenhauer is quoting Alexander Pope, a famous writer, not the head of the
papacy.
“Schopenhauer, in his article, quoted Dunciad who was a pope…by Dunciad’s view on things….” Dunciad
is a book written by Alexander Pope. Do the research if you are unsure. Google it.
“By pure thought and no prior information (Newton) came up with an idea that is fundamental to us
each and every day.” Newton was exceedingly educated, having gone to Trinity College, Cambridge,
and an expensive private school. He wrote many books based on his knowledge and even went on to
become a fellow and a professor at Trinity and then a member of Parliament for Cambridge before he
was knighted.
“Schopenhauer formulated his theory in the mid 1800s, meaning this was the rationalist/modernist
period.” Nope. We can’t tell just by the prompt when he wrote this, but this idea is far more
Romantic/Transcendental than Rationalist or Modernist, which are on the end of the spectrum from
each other anyway.
Fallacies:
Straw Man—“Those who read are far more stupid than those who learn things for themselves.”
“Reading is for the dumb.”
Hypothesis Contrary to Fact—“If James Madison hadn’t ‘studied about ancient and modern
confederacies,’ then we wouldn’t have had a free, and independent country.”—This hasn’t happened so
we can’t draw any supportable conclusions from this premise.
Another: “If people had not read (The Jungle), everyone would still eat diseased cows or worse.”
Hasty Generalization—“Schopenhauer seems to be obsessed”—How do you know from one small
excerpt without a context that he is obsessed with anything?
Dicto Simpliciter- “I agree with the fact that a man who follows his own impulses and is free spirited will
be a phenomenal writer.”
Another- “Those thoughts start out as the author’s, but later we begin to reason with these thoughts
and they become our own.”
Another- “All people know the phrase ‘knowledge is power.’”
Begging the Question-- One essay I read just kept stating how “positive” reading was for the mind. The
“positive effects” were mentioned over and over but there weren’t any concrete reasons or examples
presented to support the argument.
Non Sequitur-- “This is enforced by the kids who are the ones playing outside, getting dirty, making tree
forts are the one who will accept new information; on the other hand, the ones with their nose in books
tend to think they are above the others and will reject the information of others.”
Another- “People, such as Aristotle, for example, who think usually, do many great things; therefore,
thinkers are doers.
Appeal to Authority- “(Schopenhauer) was a very well qualified man having graduated from three
different universities of prestige, therefore the man had a pretty good idea what he was talking about
when it came to philosophy.”
Other Stuff
MLA format is important. Let me show you a template you can use on Word for your essays and your
Works Cited. Also, I’m going to show you how to put in page numbers and make hanging indents for
future reference.
To “prove” or “disprove” something requires factual, indisputable evidence. Opinions cannot be
disproved.
“His argument can be proven true and false depending on who the audience is.”
“Naturally,” “definitely,” and “obviously” should be used sparingly. They usually aren’t necessary,
and more often, the point you are labeling as natural or obvious isn’t to a dissenting voice.
Be specific. “Things” is not a valid descriptor.
“There are things that have an impact on people’s thoughts everywhere, but that’s just the way things
are; there’s no controlling it.”
Don’t just tear apart your opponent’s argument; make sure you assert your own in the process. Give
reasons and examples.
“Take that Schopenhauer.” – commentary after a quote from “The Benefits of Reading.”
Don’t call people “humans” in an essay unless it’s truly to distinguish us from animals for the topic. It
is a given that humans are reading this essay and that the argument is directed toward and only
pertains to a human audience.
You must put things in quotes if you are quoting verbatim from the prompt.
Schopenhauer argues that reading robs the mind of its elasticity.
Don’t use the first name of the author. It’s too informal. You don’t know him. Use his last name only.
“Arthur and I disagree.”
“In this passage written by Arthur…”
Use literary present tense at all times unless you are referencing a historical event.
“We humans,” “Since the dawn of time,” etc. are too grand and are self-evident. Don’t use them.
“I believe that reading and getting informed is what makes you smart and opens your mind to the road
of success.”
“Looking at a bright screen and straining one’s eyes feeds the dullness that a human craves nowadays.”
Go over the prompt. Make sure you understand the directions and what is being presented.
Schopenhauer does not make the argument that reading makes you stupid or that reading a book is a
bad idea. Where in the prompt does it say this?
One essay I read was flabbergasted that Schopenhauer would suggest that we take away literacy
entirely. They went into detail about how terrible the world would be if we relied on word of mouth
to transmit information. This is a misunderstanding of Schopenhauer’s argument.
Another one I read believed Schopenhauer was advocating reading and believed it “enlightened the
world.” This is also a gross misunderstanding of his argument.
“Schopenhauer explains his stance on human nature, saying Men are stupid and lazy by nature.”
Informality—“You” or “We” don’t belong in academic essays. Also, if your paper sounds more like
you talking in a face-to-face conversation than a scholarly argument, you probably need to revise it.
Also, exclamation points are not warranted in an academic essay.
“Yes, that’s right…”
“Now we see here…”
“As you can see…”
“Let’s face it…”
Qualifying is awesome, but you never want to appear wishy-washy or confused or uninformed.
Always ultimately take a stance.
Make sure you at least acknowledge your engagement with the author’s ideas. Some essays I read
didn’t even mention Schopenhauer at all.
Absolutes are a bad idea. Claims are more likely to be false because you don’t allow for exceptions or
dissenting opinions.
Where is our “so what” factor? Many of you wrote essays that don’t connect the topic/your
argument to modern problems, or to the contemporary reader, or to current events. Why should I
read your essay? Why should I care? Make it important for me to understand your argument and
agree with you (or at least consider your argument).
Don’t title your paper “Argument Essay” or “Final Draft,” or, heaven forbid, “Argument Rough Draft.”
Don’t say “I defend,” “I qualify,” “I challenge,” “I agree or disagree…” Just do it. It detracts from the
point of your essay itself. Don’t describe your rhetorical techniques; just do them.
“Along with my positive argument is the counter argument describing reading’s social effects.”
Also, try not to draw attention to the fact that you are writing an essay for a test. “The prompt says”
or “The previous statement…” Pretend that you are publishing your opinion in a newspaper or a
credible online website.
“Without Benjamin Franklin’s thoughts of change and advancement, we wouldn’t have light when it was
dark and I certainly would not be typing this paper.”
Grammar:
Semi-Colon Usage- These should be used sparingly. But if you’re going to use them, know how. They
connect two independent clauses (think sentences that could stand alone) which are connected in
content. For instance, I love semi-colons; when I was younger my favorite authors used semi-colons
abundantly. If you don’t have two independent clauses, use a colon instead. I love semi-colons: but
why use it here?
Comma usage. Oh LORD.
Affect/Effect- Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. Usually.
It’s/Its
Your/you’re
They’re/their/there
Two/too/to
Who vs. whom