Chapter Six
Communication: Enriching Your
Sexuality
Agenda
 Review Importance of Communication
 Discuss Gender Differences in
Communication
 Describe Effective Communication
 Discuss Influence of Communication on
Sexuality
Class Exercise: Sex Instruction
 How did you find out about sex? What were you
told? What was your reaction? Was the information
accurate?
 Are you comfortable talking about sexuality? Was
you family comfortable discussing the subject?
 What did your parents tell you about sex? Were you
ever aware of your parents sexual activity?
 How would you tell a child about sex? When would
you begin to talk to them about sexuality?
 How does the way we learn about sex as children
influence the way we respond sexually as adults?
Importance of
Communication to Human
Sexuality
The Importance of Communication
 Good communication is related to happier,
more satisfied couples and increases the
probability the relationship will last
 Communication cultivates emotional intimacy,
understanding, love
 Relationship problems often due to poor
communication, creating anger & frustration
Poor communication skills
Lack of self-disclosure
Poor listening skills
Variables Associated with Communication
 It takes some learning to communicate
 Research suggests that women and men
communicate differently
 Types of communication: More than words
Aspects of Communication
 Communication with others involves three
goals:
“get the job done” – send the message
“relational goal” – maintain a relationship
“identity management goal” – portray our
self image
Class Exercise: College Students’
Communiction about Sexuality
 Research suggests that college-aged couples
find it easier to “do it” rather than to talk about
“doing it”?
What are the implications for
contraception?
What are the implications for sexual
satisfaction?
What are the implications for sexuality
education?
Gender Differences in
Communication
Gender Difference in Communication
 Conversations with the opposite sex are
typically harder than with same sex groups
 Genderlects – fundamental differences in how
men and women communicate
Men see a hierarchical world with need to
maintain status; may interpret comments
as challenges to defend; “report-talk”
Women: a relational world to connect in
and avoid isolation; “rapport-talk”
Continued …
Gender Difference in Communication
 Each believes the other sex interrupts more
 Men are more likely to interrupt
 Men tend to speak one at a time, and another
comment is considered an interruption
When men interrupt they expect to be the
primary speaker
 Women use overlapping talk, where another
interjects but does not take over in the
conversation
Continued …
Gender Difference in Communication
 Women and men differ in their topics of
discussion
 Male-typical talk: slang, money, business,
time, space, quantity, destructive actions,
motion, objects, hostile verbs
 Female-typical talk: supportive, polite,
expressive, home, family, feelings,
evaluations, interpretations, psychological
states
Continued …
Gender Difference in Communication
 Women tend to soften opinionated
statements through the use of (not in all
cultures):
Tag questions
Disclaimers
Question statements
Hedge words
Explanations for Gender Differences in
Communication
 Biological
 Psychological
 Social roles
 Cross-cultural communication – grow up in
different subcultures and learn different
communication rules; begins in same-sex
play groups
 Cultural orientations, gender, & modes of
communication are interconnected
Types of Communication: More Than
Words
 Nonverbal communication
comprises the bulk of our communication
is expressed in various cultural forms
adds to verbal communication
Can be less threatening than verbal, but
also more likely to be misunderstood
 Women are better at deciphering nonverbal
communication, and use more eye contact,
head nods, smiles, and touches than men
Types of Communication: More Than
Words
 Computer mediated communication
Women are more expressive, use
emoticons
Allows focus on emotional intimacy, rather
than physical attraction
Online intimacy problematic if they become
compulsive in their use of the internet
Online infidelity typically with people happy
in a relationship; due to personality traits
Class Exercise: Overcoming Gender
Differences When Discussing Sexuality
 Do you think that conversations between men and
women are more difficult than same-sex
conversations?
 Research suggests that when women in a
heterosexual relationship process a problem, their
partners often try to solve the problem rather than
just listen. This seems to create conflict.
What can men do to listen better?
What can women do to help?
 Research suggests that married women are more
likely to identify another woman as their best friend
while men are more likely to identify their wife as their
best friend. What are the implications for intimacy?
Effective Communication
Giving/Receiving Feedback
Communicating More Effectively
 Make sure you and your partner have the
time and energy to communicate well before
you begin a conversation
 Limit the use of tag questions, they can
indicate uncertainty and be misunderstood
 Pay attention to your and your partner’s
nonverbal cues
Communicating More Effectively
 Self-disclosure deepens intimacy and feelings
of love as you share and grow as a couple
It is critical in a healthy relationship
Women tend to self-disclose more
Too much disclosure too soon is risky
 Asking for what you need
Many people are insecure about sex
Honesty is essential to avoid unhappiness
Learning to Make Requests
 Taking Responsibility for Our Own Pleasure:
The best way for us to get our needs met
is to speak up with our requests.
Two individuals willing to communicate
their desires and take responsibility for
their own pleasure create an excellent
framework for effective, fulfilling sexual
sharing.
Making Requests Specific
Using "I" Language
The Fine Art of Listening
 Nondefensive listening – without being
defensive, focus attention on your partner’s
concerns
 Active listening – nonverbal communication
that assures your partner you are attentive
Eye contact, head nods, “um hum”
 Know your partner’s buttons and avoid
pushing them
The Fine Art of Listening
 When your partner is finished, summarize
and validate their thoughts
 Take caution in interpreting a message that
may not be perceived correctly, but altered
due to mood state or the state of your
relationship with the person
 Women listen for details, men listen for the
bottom line and/or what action is required to
resolve a situation
Enriching Your Sexuality
Constructive Criticism
Talking with Your Partner about Sex
I Like You and I Like Myself
What Makes a Good Lover?
Delivering Criticism
 Be Aware of Your Motivation
 Choose the Right Time and Place
 Temper Criticism with Praise
 Nurture Small Steps Toward Change
 Avoid "Why" Questions
 Express Anger Appropriately
 Limit Criticism to One Complaint per
Discussion
Receiving Criticism
 Empathize with Your Partner and Paraphrase
the Criticism
 Acknowledge a Criticism and Find Something
to Agree With
 Ask Clarifying Questions
 Express Your Feelings
 Focus on Future Changes You Can Make
Talking with Your Partner about Sex
 Most couples initiate and consent to sex
nonverbally
 It is difficult to talk about sex
 Each person’s desires are unique and need
to be communicated
 Good lovers know how to communicate and
listen
I Like You and I Like Myself
 You need to feel good about yourself in order
to be sexually healthy
 The media creates the “ideal body”
 Self-esteem is related to emotional and
mental health
 Having self-acceptance, autonomy, selfefficacy, and resilience will aid in maintaining
good sexual relationships
What Makes a Good Lover?
 Sensitivity to their partner’s needs
 Able to communicate own desires
 Patient
 Caring
 Confident
 Keep in mind that men and women can have
different views of the same sexual behaviors
and techniques
Class Exercise: “War of the Roses”
 How does communication influence intimacy?
 Identify examples of gender differences in
communication.