Relationships = Weather
• fair & warm
• stormy & cold
• polluted
• clear & healthy
Key to Positive Relationships
What are the features of satisfying
personal relationships?
 Investment
 Commitment
 Trust
 Self-disclosure
 Comfort with Relational Dialectics
 Autonomy/Connection
 Novelty/Prediction
 Openness/Closedness
Negotiating Dialectical Tensions
 Four Ways:
1. Neutralization-negotiate a balance b/t
needs
2. Selection-give priority to one over the other
3. Separation-assign each to other spheres of
interaction
4. Reframing-redefine contradictory needs
not in opposition
What makes communication
climates positive or negative?
 The degree to which people feel valued by one another
 Confirming Communication=messages conveying value
 Disconfirming Communication=messages conveying
lack of regard
Levels of Message
Confirm & Disconfirm
Disconfirm
Impervious
Interrupt
Irrelevant
Tangential
Impersonal
Ambiguous
Incongruous
Least Value
Disagree
Confirm
Aggressive
Complain
Argumentative
Recognize
Acknowledge
Endorse
Most Value
Disconfirming Messages-7 types
 Impervious: no acknowledgement of other’s message
 Interrupting: speak before other finishes
 Irrelevant: comment unrelated to what other just said
 Tangential: “take-away”-shift to different topic
 Impersonal: cliché
 Ambiguous: more than one meaning
 Incongruous: contradicting messages
Disagreeing Messages“You’re wrong”
 Aggressive: most destructive, attacks other’s self-
concept-name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting,
yelling, badgering
 Complaining: desire to note dissatisfaction/not argue
 Argumentativeness: defending while attacking
Confirming Messages
 Recognition: most fundamental-return hellos, return
an email or phone message
 Acknowledgment: interested in ideas & feelings of
others-stronger form of confirm-Listening most
common-asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting
 Endorsement: agreeing with other/find other’s ideas
important, communicating the highest form of
valuing-also, praising & complimenting
Defensiveness-Face-Threatening
 Distorting Critical Information
 Rationalization
 Compensation
 Regression
 Avoiding Dissonant Information
 Physical avoidance
 Repression
 Apathy
 Displacement
Gibb’s Categories-Useful Tools
 Evaluation vs Description
 Judgments, “you” language vs description of behavior
using “I” language
-You don’t know what you’re talking about!
vs
-I don’t understand how you came up with that idea.
-Those jokes are disgusting!
vs
-When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really
embarrassed.
More Gibb
 Control vs Problem-Orientation
 Imposing a solution with little regard of other vs
 Finding a solution that satisfies both
There’s only one way to handle this problem…
vs
Looks like we have a problem. Let’s work out a solution
we can both live with.
More Gibb
 Strategy vs Spontaneity
 Hiding ulterior motives vs being honest w/o
manipulation
Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week.
vs
I’d like to go out to dinner more often.
More Gibb
 Neutrality vs Empathy
 Indifference vs accepting/putting self in other’s place
That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly.
vs
Ouch—looks like this didn’t turn out the way you
expected.
More Gibb
 Superiority vs Equality
 I am better than you messages vs others have worth
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
vs
I see it a different way.
More Gibb
 Certainty vs Provisionalism
 Dogmatism, I’m right vs changeable/reasonable
That will never work.
vs
I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.
Five Guidelines for creating healthy
climates
1.
Actively build confirming climates
2. Accept & confirm others
3. Affirm & assert yourself
4. Respect diversity in relationships
5. Responding Constructively/
Non-defensively to Criticism
 Seek more information
 Ask for specifics
 Guess about specifics
 Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas
 Ask what the critic wants
 Ask what else is wrong
 Agree with the facts/what’s true
 Agree with the critic’s perception
Using Descriptive Language
This paper is poorly done
vs
This paper does not include relevant background
information.
You’re lazy.
2. I hate the way you dominate conversations with me.
3. Stop obsessing about the problem.
4. You’re too involved.
1.
Communicating Assertively
I guess your preference for going to the party is more
important than my studying.
2. I don’t need your permission to go out. I’ll do what I
please.
3. I suppose I could work extra next week if you really
need a loan.
4. I don’t like it when you spend time with Tim. Either
stop seeing him, or we’re through.
1.