Relationships = Weather
• fair & warm
• stormy & cold
• polluted
• clear & healthy
Key to Positive Relationships
What are the features of satisfying
personal relationships?
 Investment
 Commitment
 Trust
 Self-disclosure
 Comfort with Relational Dialectics
 Autonomy/Connection
 Novelty/Prediction
 Openness/Closedness
Negotiating Dialectical Tensions
 Four Ways:
1. Neutralization-negotiate a balance b/t
needs
2. Selection-give priority to one over the other
3. Separation-assign each to other spheres of
interaction
4. Reframing-redefine contradictory needs
not in opposition
What makes communication
climates positive or negative?
 The degree to which people feel valued by one another
 Confirming Communication=messages conveying value
 Disconfirming Communication=messages conveying
lack of regard
Levels of Message
Confirm & Disconfirm
Disconfirm
Impervious
Interrupt
Irrelevant
Tangential
Impersonal
Ambiguous
Incongruous
Least Value
Disagree
Confirm
Aggressive
Complain
Argumentative
Recognize
Acknowledge
Endorse
Most Value
Disconfirming Messages-7 types
 Impervious: no acknowledgement of other’s message
 Interrupting: speak before other finishes
 Irrelevant: comment unrelated to what other just said
 Tangential: “take-away”-shift to different topic
 Impersonal: cliché
 Ambiguous: more than one meaning
 Incongruous: contradicting messages
Disagreeing Messages“You’re wrong”
 Aggressive: most destructive, attacks other’s self-
concept-name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting,
yelling, badgering
 Complaining: desire to note dissatisfaction/not argue
 Argumentativeness: defending while attacking
Confirming Messages
 Recognition: most fundamental-return hellos, return
an email or phone message
 Acknowledgment: interested in ideas & feelings of
others-stronger form of confirm-Listening most
common-asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting
 Endorsement: agreeing with other/find other’s ideas
important, communicating the highest form of
valuing-also, praising & complimenting
Defensiveness-Face-Threatening
 Distorting Critical Information
 Rationalization
 Compensation
 Regression
 Avoiding Dissonant Information
 Physical avoidance
 Repression
 Apathy
 Displacement
Gibb’s Categories-Useful Tools
 Evaluation vs Description
 Judgments, “you” language vs description of behavior
using “I” language
-You don’t know what you’re talking about!
vs
-I don’t understand how you came up with that idea.
-Those jokes are disgusting!
vs
-When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really
embarrassed.
More Gibb
 Control vs Problem-Orientation
 Imposing a solution with little regard of other vs
 Finding a solution that satisfies both
There’s only one way to handle this problem…
vs
Looks like we have a problem. Let’s work out a solution
we can both live with.
More Gibb
 Strategy vs Spontaneity
 Hiding ulterior motives vs being honest w/o
manipulation
Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week.
vs
I’d like to go out to dinner more often.
More Gibb
 Neutrality vs Empathy
 Indifference vs accepting/putting self in other’s place
That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly.
vs
Ouch—looks like this didn’t turn out the way you
expected.
More Gibb
 Superiority vs Equality
 I am better than you messages vs others have worth
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
vs
I see it a different way.
More Gibb
 Certainty vs Provisionalism
 Dogmatism, I’m right vs changeable/reasonable
That will never work.
vs
I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.
Saving Face
 ASSERTIVE MESSAGE FORMAT
 Behavioral description-should be objective-just the facts

“Chris has acted differently over the last week. I cannot
remember her laughing once since the dinner party. She hasn’t
dropped by my place like she usually does, hasn’t suggested we
play tennis and has not returned by phone calls.”
 Interpretation-meaning you have attached to behavior
 “Something must be bothering Chris. It’s probably her family.
She’ll probably just feel worse if I keep pestering her.”
 “Chris is probably mad at me. It’s probably because I kidded
her about losing so often at tennis. I’d better leave her alone
until she cools off.”
More Assertive Message Format
 Feeling statement-this adds a new dimension to message
 “When you laugh at me, I think you find my comments
foolish, and I feel embarrassed.”
 Remember not to use counterfeit phrasing-I feel you’re wrong
or I feel like leaving…
 Intention statement-where you stand, requests and
future action

“When I didn’t hear from you last night, I thought you were
mad at me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’m
still worried. I’d like to know whether your are angry.”
Responding Non-Defensively to
Criticism
 Seek more information
 Ask for specifics
 Guess about specifics
 Paraphrase
 Ask what the critic wants
 Agree with the critic
 Agree with the facts
 Agree with the critic’s perception
Four Guidelines for creating
healthy climates
1.
Actively build confirming climates
2. Accept & confirm others
3. Affirm & assert yourself
4. Respect diversity in relationships
Using Descriptive Language
This paper is poorly done
vs
This paper does not include relevant background
information.
How might the following be directed at you?
1. You’re lazy.
2. I hate the way you dominate conversations with me.
3. Stop obsessing about the problem.
4. You’re too involved.
Communicating Assertively
I guess your preference for going to the party is more
important than my studying.
2. I don’t need your permission to go out. I’ll do what I
please.
3. I suppose I could work extra next week if you really
need a loan.
4. I don’t like it when you spend time with Tim. Either
stop seeing him, or we’re through.
1.