Rebecca Crust
rebeccacrust104@gmail.com
Queer Foundation Essay Contest 2015
An Investigation in Why LGBTQA Youth Need an Accepting and Supportive Environment
As a queer teen it always baffled me that heterosexual people could hate queer people.
There are no violent anti-hetero hate groups, heterosexuals are more than adequately represented
in television, movies, books, and numerous other entertainment mediums, and they are certainly
not harassed or threatened in public because of their sexuality. I personally could find no logic in
their homophobia. It also astounded me to meet people who said they were comfortable being
around gay people, but refused to support the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer,
asexual,(LGBTQA) community or gay rights. How could they not know what difference a
supportive atmosphere makes? But then I came across a quote- “We hate what we fear and we
fear what we do not understand.” And I realized that most of these people did not realize what
growing up queer really means in our society. They had no experience to create any empathy for
the LGBTQA community.
Queer teens go through so much more stress than hetero teens that an accepting
environment is crucial for their mental health. With this in mind, I set out prove that a positive
environment makes a significant difference by interviewing four queer youth and one
heterosexual friend who actively supports the LGBTQA community, each with different
experiences in how people in their community reacted to their sexuality. I asked each of them
five questions to paint a picture of how their sexuality affected their lives in order to show others
how acceptance by parents and friends can affect the mental health of LGBTQA youth.
My first interview was with my classmate, who I will refer to as S.S. She is a bisexual
woman who was raised by queer parents in a vastly liberal community.
Question one: What is your life like in general (i.e. career goals, passions, hobbies,
favorite things to do with friends)?
“I want to be a neuroscientist and I love to sing and practice archery and go bowling,
plus I play Magic and D&D a lot.”
Question two: What kind of experience did you have when you realized your sexuality?
“I was raised in a queer family so I never really expected to be straight, but it was
around fifth grade that people were really starting to think about dating so it was about that time
when I came out. I told my best friend, who was pretty well-known for being terrible at keeping
secrets, and pretty soon everybody had heard about it. Most people didn't really question it, but
Allison (one of my close friends at the time) came up to me and said, "Are you bi?" with a sort of
disgusted look on her face and I panicked and said no.”
Question three: What stage in the coming out process are you in? How did those people
react and would you go back and do it differently knowing their reactions?
“I mostly answered this in the previous question, but I'm fully out and no one really cares
anymore because most of the people in school have known me and known that I was queer since
seventh grade.”
Question four: Are there any positive/negative experiences that come to mind that were
the result of being part of the LGBTQA community?
“Being a part of the LGBTQA community lead me to going to Camp Ten Trees (a camp
for children of LGBTQA families / LGBTQA youth) and it's one of the most amazing places I've
ever been to. Straight people can be frustrating when they're ignorant and rude but being able to
connect with other queer people about my experiences is one of my favorite things in life!”
Question five: What do you think the future of the LGBTQA community looks like?
“I think the LGBTQ community will continue to grow as more and more people feel
comfortable coming out and as we get more allies!”
S.S. may not be exempt from dealing with ignorance, as she stated, but her accepting
family and community has given her confidence. She has taken a leadership role as the president
of the gay-straight-alliance (GSA) at our high school, and from personal interaction I can attest
to her academic abilities and passion in pursuing her career goals.
My next interview was with my friend J.R., who I have known since first grade. He is a
gay man raised by a homophobic family, but, again, in a vastly liberal community.
Question one: What is your life like in general (i.e. career goals, passions, hobbies,
favorite things to do with friends)?
“It's fine I guess. I don't really know what I want to do for a career but I am starting to
figure it out. I like drawing, painting, and pretty much any kind of art. I just like hanging out
with people in general, even if it's just laying down on the ground, it's better to do it with other
people than just by myself.”
Question two: What kind of experience did you have when you realized your sexuality?
“I honestly felt terrified. Almost everyone I knew, especially the people that I hung
around and that my mom hung around, made being gay a joke and half of the time they made it
seem like a bad thing. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone or they might hate me, especially my friend
that I liked, mostly because he was part of the reason I realized that I'm gay. I knew that a lot of
people wouldn't accept me for it so I just denied it for a while. I tried dating a couple girls just to
try get away from it. But after a few years I just accepted it and now I feel a lot better.”
Question three: What stage in the coming out process are you in? How did those people
react and would you go back and do it differently knowing their reactions?
“I'm out to everyone that I actually see in person except for my family. I would be fine
with coming out to my mom's side of my family if they actually cared about me and gave me
more than three seconds of their attention. I'm not entirely sure how they would react, some of
them might be okay but I do know some of them would hate me, but that wouldn't really be a
problem for me because I hate them. I've never come out to my dad's side of my family because I
know that all of them would hate me. People on that side especially my grandma are really
homophobic. I would tell my grandma and have her out of my life if my mom and I didn't need
the money that she sends on my birthday, Christmas, and before school to buy clothes. If I would
have known that coming out would have gotten rid of a lot of stress I would have come out a lot
earlier. All the people that let me would have let earlier and that would have been much better
than the way it was.”
Question four: Are there any positive/negative experiences that come to mind that were
the result of being part of the LGBTQA community?
“Negatively, a lot of my friends and I are rejected by family and friends. Positively, I
actually get to be myself and let myself be happy.”
Question five: What do you think the future of the LGBTQA community looks like?
“I see things only moving forward. I see more people being accepted and being treated
like normal people. Hopefully not just the discrimination from outside but also inside the
community ends.”
J.R.’s interview paints a picture of how rejection by his family stresses him, but it also
shows how being accepted by friends and himself have made him happier. His personality has
caused him to not want to plan out his future, but by knowing him on a personal level I know he
is certainly right to be optimistic.
The next interviewee was my friend A.A., who I met tenth grade after she moved to
Seattle from Colorado. She is a lesbian woman raised in a homophobic family, who lived in very
conservative and homophobic communities until she was sixteen years old.
Question one: What is your life like in general (i.e. career goals, passions, hobbies,
favorite things to do with friends)?
“I believe I live a pretty normal life. I’m just your typical ambitious teenager. I love
physics and astronomy, and that passion translated into me wanting to go into aerospace
engineering. In the short term I hope to get accepted to MIT. In the long term I’m hoping to
become a professor.”
Question two: What kind of experience did you have when you realized your sexuality?
“I don’t know when I really discovered my sexuality. Ever since preschool, I would
always blush when a girl spoke to me. So even at four, I knew I wasn’t “normal.” Growing up in
a pretty republican town, I honestly had no idea there was anything else than dating boys. I even
went out of my way to feel for boys the way my female friends did. That led to a lot of lying to
myself, and a lot of sleeping around. Moving to Washington, I remember the culture shock of not
feeling like a “faggot” when I flirted with a girl. And I finally accepted myself around two years
ago. So, basically in preschool I guess I realized I was different from those in my small
community. But I was in middle school before I realized my sexuality, and by that point, I had
seen so many homosexuals in the local high schools being bullied into killing themselves that I
basically remained in denial for years.”
Question three: What stage in the coming out process are you in? How did those people
react and would you go back and do it differently knowing their reactions?
“I came out all the way to my parents and my friends. But there are some members of my
family that I will never be able to fully come out to, namely my grandparents. If my grandmother
heard she had a lesbian granddaughter, she would probably try to get me to “pray my gay
away.” When I came out to my mom, she laughed in my face, and she has, by far, been the
person encouraging me to continue having sex with males. I don’t think there’s any way that
reaction could have changed. But when I came out to my dad, he hugged me and told me I was
still his baby girl, so that was a positive reaction that I wouldn’t change.”
Question four: Are there any positive/negative experiences that come to mind that were
the result of being part of the LGBTQA community?
“There are so many negative things that come with the territory of being an “out”
woman. First of all, there are all the negative stereotypes of being a lesbian. Being a gay female
means that people feel they have the right to tell you you’re not “butch enough” and therefore
unable to really feel sexually attracted to the same gender. Then there’s the issue of ignorance.
People assume that I’m unable to separate romantic and friendly feelings for girls, and so
homophobes will distance themselves in order to make sure I don’t “feel for them.” Then, for
every LGBTQA person who has lived in a predominantly republican area, I’m sure they can
relate to the internal struggle of coming out at all. In my case, I overcompensated by having
sexual relationships with an unhealthy amount of people, and I still feel the effects of lying to
myself now. For myself personally, I have had to deal with keeping my sexuality a secret from
most of my family. I also deal with my sister hating me because it’s “unnatural” to date girls. In
terms of positivity though, being able to stand up and smile while my mother mocks my sexuality
has made me so much more confident.”
Question five: What do you think the future of the LGBTQA community looks like?
“Well, I want to be able to get married in any one of the 50 states in the future. And after
that, I see a gay in the White House, we’re already in the Senate.”
I can say with confidence that A.A. has faced the most stress out of my friends in the
LGBTQA community because of the environment she was raised in. But now that she lives in a
community that treats her kindly and accepts her while being aware of her sexuality she thrives
as a leader (being the head of the math team and an active member of the Mu Alpha Theta
mathematics society) and reduces her stress by being able to vent about her struggles.
My last two interviews were with my supportive heterosexual friend, K.J., and her gay
older brother, C.J. I interviewed K.J. first to get her impression on her relationship with her
brother and to know her experience as an activist for gay rights.
Question one: What is your life in general like (i.e. career goals, passions, hobbies,
favorite things to do with friends)?
“I am generally a creative person. I like to sew, crochet, knit, and especially draw. I also
love working with computers! When I'm not drafting patterns or doodling. I'm researching new
programming languages to earn. As I move into college next year, I hope to focus my education
on computer science and hopefully major in this field. I live pretty care free and love to have
fun.”
Question two: How did you realize/find out your brother's sexuality?
“I remember one night back when my brother was in high school when I overheard him
discussing it with my mother. That was the first time he had explicitly told my mother. I recall
feeling a bit of shock, mainly because it was such a big secret that I had never really thought
about before. Even though I lived with him all my life, I never really considered his sexuality.”
Question three: Do you think this (having a queer family member) has made an impact on
your home/school/career life?
“In a way, I believe it has helped open my mind to the many different sexualities people
identify with. Growing up, I was never extremely close to my brother, but we had a solid
relationship. When I realized he identified as homosexual, it helped me understand the fact
people can have many different preferences, but it doesn't change the fact that they are still a
person. Currently I have several friends who identify as something other than heterosexual and
I'm glad that I have no problem accepting them as they are.”
Question four: Are there any examples of experiences you have had because of your
brother/friends' relation to the LGBTQA community?
“I've definitely learned a lot about the LGBTQA community through the experiences of
my brother and friends. It has helped me understand their struggles with equality and
acceptance and has exposed me to many different ways of living! I always feel grateful to have
been able to learn through these experiences. Whether it is related to my relations with members
of the LGBTQA community or just from how I was raised but I believe my open-mindedness
when it comes to different people is a great part of my personality.”
Question five: What do you think the future of the LGBTQA community looks like?
“Watching the progression as several states in the United States started to legalize samesex marriage definitely filled me with more hope for our future. As with all kinds of
discrimination, it will be a long process to reach a point where everyone can feel completely
accepted. But there is a lot of change happening right now and all for the better. More and more
people are understanding the different ways people live their lives which will help them see that
being different isn't bad!”
K.J.’s brother, C.J., graduated high school a couple years ago but still visits his family
regularly. He is a very charismatic individual and I was delighted to interview him while he was
in town.
Question one: What is your life like in general (career goals, passions, hobbies, favorite
things to do with friends)?
“I am working towards becoming a professional performer and producer. I’ve always
been very interested in art, more specifically music and film. It’s my dream to be a film director
and musician. I enjoy making music, analyzing films, learning choreography, and acting.”
Question two: What kind of experience did you have when you realized your sexuality?
“It’s one of those things where you feel like you’ve always known you were different. I
have been attracted to men since I can remember. However, I guess my first intimate experience
was with another man so I must have realized then. It became clearer when I started dating and
having sex that even though women are intriguing and sexy in their own way I will always desire
commitment with a man.”
Question three: What stage in the coming out process are you in? How did those people
react and would you go back and do it differently knowing their reactions?
“I would say that I am at the mid-way line of the coming out process. With that said I am
very comfortable talking about my sexuality, however there are many aspects built from when I
was hiding my sexuality that I continue to do and struggle with. It’s like mind control. When you
are used to be having a certain way I believe it takes you years to unlearn it. What I mean is that
I get very uncomfortable and anxious in familiar situations.”
Question four: Are there any positive/negative experiences that come to mind that were
the result of being part of the LGBTQA community?
“Definitely! The positives are being exposed to a world that is not mainstream. Being gay
makes me feel the need to strive for big things and speak up for what is right. Lots of people find
your points of view really interesting and I think that shows how silenced the gay community is
in our country.
“I think the lack of diverse resources and support for our young gay boys when I think of
the negatives. When you grow up without an understanding or historical knowledge of
homosexuality it makes you feel lost and out of control. You don’t know where you come from or
why. You learn from the stereotypes associated with “gay,” and find answers in very superficial
perspective of homosexuality that is created from movies and pornography.”
Question five: What do you think the future of the LGBTQA community looks like?
“I see homosexuality becoming more mainstream and normal. I see us holding more
important positions. I see great things ahead of us. As homosexuality is exposed more through
television and what not people will become more interested in what we have to say and things
will change for the better.”
As C.J. so artfully stated, being exposed to knowledge of the LGBTQA community really
makes a difference in the mental health of queer youth. Using A.A.’s experience as an example,
she had no idea that homosexuality existed growing up and therefore participated in risky
activities as a result of feeling confused about her identity. The trend that queer youth take part in
risky behaviors more so than heterosexual youth has been proven by multiple studies and is
derived from the stress they experience in not being accepted.
I urge anyone who is still on the fence about their personal beliefs in homosexuality to
support the LGBTQA community. I urge those who hate homosexuals to please think of queer
individuals for what they are: people who deserve the same rights as everyone else. These
interviews prove that the LGBTQA community is made up of regular people with goals for the
future and hobbies and career paths. All we want is an environment where we can talk about our
personal lives, or walk down the street, or enjoy ourselves without having our personal identity
attacked or ridiculed – something nearly every heterosexual already has. We’re here, we’re
queer, and we will not be silenced.