Improving the “Flow”
of Your Writing
Clarifying Complex and Technical Writing
Nisha Shanmugaraj
GCC Assistant Director
Which do you prefer: A or B?
A. People are injuring themselves at home, work and
out in public from slipping and falling. The material of the
shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the
individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like
water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two
materials all contribute to slipping.
Which do you prefer: A or B?
A. People are injuring themselves at home, work and
out in public from slipping and falling. The material of the
shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the
individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like
water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two
materials all contribute to slipping.
B. People are injuring themselves at home, work and
out in public from slipping and falling. Such slipping is
caused by three main factors: the material of the shoe
sole, the material of the floor surface that the individual is
walking across, and a contaminant, like water or oil, that
may decrease friction between the two materials.
This workshop provides an effective strategy
to make your complex writing intelligible
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Sentence Structure: Topic/Stress
The Known-New Contract
Practice Revising
How to Make a GCC Appointment
Subject-Verb Separation
We convey information through content
(word-meaning) and sentence structure
Content (words)
Structure (syntax)
Structure shapes your content
t(time)=15', T(temperature in Celsius)=32°, t=0',
T=25°; t=6', T=29°; t=3', T=27°; t=12', T=32°; t=9';
T=31°
Effort spent deciphering structure is
effort not available for content
t(time)=15', T(temperature in Celsius)=32°, t=0',
T=25°; t=6', T=29°; t=3', T=27°; t=12', T=32°; t=9';
T=31°
A simple structure helps readers focus on content
Content (complex)
Structure (simple)
Sentence Structure:
Topic & Stress Positions
Sentences have a topic and a
stress position
In the present work, the finite-element method
(FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through
single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
The topic position occurs at the
beginning of a sentence
Topic
In the present work, the finite-element method
(FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through
single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
The stress position goes at the end
of a sentence
Topic
In the present work, the finite-element method
(FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through
single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
Stress
The stress position should contain
your most important information
The stress position should
contain your most important
information
In the present work, the finite-element
method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow
through single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
The topic position should hold
contextual information
The topic position should hold
contextual information
In the present work, the finite-element
method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow
through single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
What is the difference between these
sentences?
1. A virus infected our system, but
everything is fine now.
2. Everything is fine now, but a virus
infected our system.
Put information you want to emphasize at the
end of the sentence—in the stress position
1. A virus infected our system, but
everything is fine now.
2. Everything is fine now, but a virus
infected our system.
Put information you want to emphasize at the
end of the sentence—in the stress position
1. There was food, yet the meeting was
boring.
2. The meeting was boring, yet there was
food.
What is the difference between these
sentences?
1. Some studies have analyzed how blood
flow through the human arterial system is
altered by a magnetic field.
1. The way a magnetic field alters blood flow
through the human arterial system has
been analyzed in some studies.
Make sure your stress position is emphasizing
the right information
1. Some studies have analyzed how blood
flow through the human arterial system is
altered by a magnetic field.
1. The way a magnetic field alters blood flow
through the human arterial system has
been analyzed in some studies.
The Known-New Contract
Put new information (especially complex or
technical terms) in the stress position
In the present work, the finite-element method
(FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through
single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
Stress
Use the topic position to link back to
information that is already “known” by readers
Topic
In the present work, the finite-element method
(FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through
single arteries in the presence of an
externally applied magnetic field.
Stress
The topic position holds KNOWN information;
the stress position holds NEW information
Accounts of depression evolved after
psychologists introduced the concepts of defeat
and entrapment. These concepts have since been
implicated in theoretical accounts of anxiety and
suicide. Such theories….
Using the known- new contract
improves flow
People are injuring themselves at home,
work and out in public from slipping and
falling. Such slipping is caused by three
main factors: the material of the shoe
sole, the material of the floor surface that
the individual is walking across, and a
contaminant, like water or oil, that may
decrease friction between the two
materials. While the first two factors have
been the subject of recent commercial
attention…
People are injuring themselves at home,
work and out in public from slipping and
falling. Such slipping is caused by three
main factors: the material of the shoe
sole, the material of the floor surface that
the individual is walking across, and a
contaminant, like water or oil, that may
decrease friction between the two
materials. While the first two factors have
been the subject of recent commercial
attention…
People are injuring themselves at home,
work and out in public from slipping and falling.
Such slipping is caused by three main factors,
the first of which is the material of the shoe
sole. Sole material is…
In addition to the shoe sole material,
slipping is also caused by the material of the
floor surface that the individual is walking
across. Floor surfaces often…
The last cause of slipping is the presence of
a potential contaminant, like water or oil…
What happens when you defy the
known-new contract?
The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation
between the nucleoside bases
2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine
(dC) has been determined by direct
measurement. dG and dC were derivatized at
the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl
groups. Solubilizing the nucleosides in nonaqueous solvents and preventing the ribose
hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds are the
functions of these these groups.
Defying the known-new contract leads
to choppy reading or confusion
The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation
between the nucleoside bases
2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine
(dC) has been determined by direct
measurement. dG and dC were derivatized at
the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl
groups. Solubilizing the nucleosides in nonaqueous solvents and preventing the ribose
hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds are the
functions of these these groups.
Here is one way to revise the first sentence
We have directly measured the enthalpy of
hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside
bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and
2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were derivatized
at the 5' and 3’ hydroxyls…
Previous version:
The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation
between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine
(dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC) has been
determined by direct measurement.
Let’s revise the last sentence of the excerpt
We have directly measured the enthalpy of
hydrogen bond formation between the
nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and
2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were
derivatized at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with
triisopropylsilyl groups. Solubilizing the
nucleosides in non-aqueous solvents and
preventing the ribose hydroxyls from forming
hydrogen bonds are the functions of these
these groups.
Here is one way to revise the last sentence
We have directly measured the enthalpy of
hydrogen bond formation between the
nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and
2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were
derivatized at at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with
triisopropylsilyl groups. These groups serve
both to solubilize the nucleosides in nonaqueous solvents and to prevent the ribose
hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds.
I’m worried this principle might
make my writing seem too
simplistic.
This also seems like it will take
longer…
The source of this problem is writer
based prose
Writer based
prose
Reader
based
prose
QUESTIONS?
Practice Revising
Revise this excerpt using the known-new contract
The 5-year plan does not indicate a clearly
defined commitment to long-range
environment research. For instance, the
development of techniques rather than the
identification and definition of important
long-range issues is the subject of the plan
where it does address long-range research.
The 5-year plan does not indicate a clearly
defined commitment to long-range
environment research. When the plan does
address long-range research, it focuses on
the development of techniques rather than
the identification and definition of important
long-range issues.
Revise this excerpt using the known-new contract
The discrete-dipole approximation (DDA) for
scattering calculations, including the
relationship between the DDA and other
methods, is reviewed. Computational
considerations, i.e., the use of complexconjugate gradient and fast-Fourier-transform
algorithms, of DDA are compared and
discussed against other methods. We test the
accuracy of the DDA by using the DDA to
compute scattering and absorption by isolated,
homogeneous spheres.
We review the discrete-dipole approximation
(DDA) for scattering calculations, including the
relationship between the DDA and other
methods. Our comparison of DDA and other
methods focuses on contrasting computational
considerations, i.e., the use of complexconjugate gradient and fast-Fourier-transform
algorithms. In addition to a computational
comparison, we also test DDA’s accuracy. We
gauge accuracy by using DDA to compute
scattering and absorption by isolated,
homogeneous spheres.
Transition words can also be used
in tandem with known-new
ADDITION
• Furthermore
• In addition
• Moreover
• In fact
CAUSE-EFFECT
• Consequently
• Hence
• Therefore
• Thus
EXAMPLE
• As an
illustration
• For example
• For instance
• Specifically
CONTRAST
• In contrast
• Conversely
• However
• On the other hand
Further Reading on “Flow”
• The Science of Scientific Writing
George D. Gopen and Judith A. Swan
• Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace
Joseph M. Williams
• Rhetorical Grammar: Grammatical Choices,
Rhetorical Effects
Martha J. Kolln and Loretta S. Gray
• The Craft of Research
Wayne C. Booth, Gregory G. Colomb and
Joseph M. Williams
QUESTIONS?
Make an appointment at the
Global Communication Center
Email
gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu
Website
www.cmu.edu/gcc
The GCC supports CMU students on any
academic or professional communication project
Written
Oral
Visual
A GCC tutor can assist you at any point:
brainstorming, writing, revising and rehearsing
GCC tutors are trained to work with grad and
undergrad students in the sciences and humanities
The GCC is located on the first floor
of Hunt Library
Summer Hours:
Monday-Thursday 10:00-5:00
*subject to change
Schedule your appointment at
cmu.edu/gcc
White slots = available
Make an appointment at the
Global Communication Center
Email
gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu
Website
www.cmu.edu/gcc
Subject-Verb Separation
Read the following sentence
Recently, however, immunoprecipitation
experiments with antibodies to purified,
rotenone-sensitive NADH-ubiquinone
oxido-reductase [hereafter referred to as
respiratory chain NADH dehydrogenase or
complex I] from bovine heart, as well as
enzyme fractionation studies, have
indicated that six human URF's (that is,
URF1, URF2, URF3, URF4, URF4L, and
URF5, hereafter referred to as ND1, ND2,
ND3, ND4, ND4L and ND5) encode
subunits of complex I.
Subject-verb separation can also place
a burden on your reader
Recently, however, immunoprecipitation
experiments with antibodies to purified,
rotenone-sensitive NADH-ubiquinone oxidoreductase [hereafter referred to as respiratory
chain NADH dehydrogenase or complex I]
from bovine heart, as well as enzyme
fractionation studies, have indicated that six
human URF's (that is, URF1, URF2, URF3,
URF4, URF4L, and URF5, hereafter referred
to as ND1, ND2, ND3, ND4, ND4L and ND5)
encode subunits of complex I.
Minimizing subject-verb separation
can clarify your sentences
Precipitation in the form
of crystalline water ice,
consisting of snowflakes
that fall from clouds, is
called snow.
Snow is precipitation in
the form of crystalline
water ice that consists
of snowflakes that fall
from clouds.
A variety of measures to
quantify happiness,
some more effective and
accurate than others,
were used.
A variety of measures
were used to quantify
happiness, some more
effective and accurate
than others.
Make an appointment at the
Global Communication Center
Email
gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu
Website
www.cmu.edu/gcc