Revising and Fixing Weak Thesis Statements Problem The thesis makes no claim. Problem Example I’m going to write about Darwin’s concerns with evolution in The Origin of Species. The thesis is obviously true or is a statement of fact. The jean industry targets its advertisements to appeal to young adults. The thesis restates conventional wisdom. An important part of one’s college education is learning to better understand others’ points of view. The thesis makes an overly broad claim. Violent revolutions have had both positive and negative results for man. The thesis bases its claim on personal conviction. Sir Thomas More’s Utopia proposes an unworkable set of solutions to society’s problems because, like communist Russia, it suppresses individualism. Solution Solution Example Raise specific issues for the essay Darwin’s concern with survival of to explore. the fittest in The Origin of Species initially leads him to neglect a potentially conflicting aspect of his theory of evolution – survival as a matter of interdependence. Find some avenue of inquiry – a By inventing new terms, such as question about the facts or an “loose fit” and “relaxed fit,” the jean issue raised by them. Make an industry has attempted to assertion with which it would be normalize, even glorify, its product possible for readers to disagree. for an older and fatter generation. Seek to complicate – see more While an important part of one’s than one point of view on – your college education is learning to subject. Avoid conventional better understand others’ points of wisdom unless you can qualify it view, a persistent danger is that the or introduce a fresh perspective students will simply be required to on it. substitute the teacher’s answers for the ones they grew up uncritically believing. Convert broad categories and Although violent revolutions begin generic claims to more specific, to redress long‐standing social more qualified assertions; find inequities, they often do so at the ways to bring out the complexity cost of long‐term economic of your subject. dysfunction and the suffering that attends to it. Try on other points of view Sir Thomas More’s Utopia treats honestly and dispassionately; individualism as a serious but treat your ideas as hypotheses to remediable social problem. His be tested rather than obvious radical treatment of what we might truths. Treat opinions as ideas ­ now call “socialization” attempts to theories about the meaning and redefine the meaning and origin of significance of the subjects that individual identity. are capable of being supported and qualified by evidence. Adapted from: Rosenwasser, David and Jill Stephen. Writing Analytically: Sixth Edition. Boston: Wadsworth, 2012. Revising and Fixing Weak Thesis Statements How to Rephrase Thesis Statements: Specify and Subordinate 1. Specify: Replace overly abstract terms – terms like positive and negative (or similar and different) – with something specific; name something that is positive and something that is negative instead. See example below. Broad Noun + Weak Verb + Vague, Evaluative Modifier economic situation is bad Specific Noun + Active Verb + Specific Modifier (The) tax policies (of threatens to reduce by sacrificing education and the current administration) (the tax burden on health care programs for the middle class) everyone 2. Subordinate: Rank one of the two items in the pairing underneath the other. When you subordinate, you put the most important, pressing, or revealing side of the comparison in what is known as the main clause and the less important side in what is known as the subordinate clause, introducing it with a word like while or although. Try This: Determining What the Thesis Requires You to Do Next Learning to diagnose the strengths and weaknesses of thesis statements will help you assess the claims of others and revise your own. A good question for diagnosing a thesis is What does the thesis require the writer to do next? This question should help you to figure out what the thesis actually wants to claim, which can then direct you to possible rephrasings that would better direct your thinking. Using this question as a prompt, list the strengths and weaknesses of the following two thesis statements, and then rewrite them. In the first statement, just rewrite the last sentence (the other sentences have been included to provide context). 1. Many economists and politicians agree that, along with the Environmental Protection Agency’s newest regulations, a global‐warming treaty could damage the American economy. Because of the great expense that such environmental standards require, domestic industries would financially suffer. Other argue, however, that sever regulatory steps must be taken to prevent global warming, regardless of cost. Despite both legitimate claims, the issue of protecting the environment while still securing our global competitiveness remains critical. 2. Regarding promotion into executive positions, women are continually losing the race because of a corporate view that women are too compassionate to keep up with the competitiveness of a powerful firm. Adapted from: Rosenwasser, David and Jill Stephen. Writing Analytically: Sixth Edition. Boston: Wadsworth, 2012.