Harrison Potter
Dr. Janet Bland
Essay #4
10 December 2007
Love, Intimacy, and Sex: Distinct Components of a Healthy Relationship
Personal relationships play a central role in every human being’s life.
Psychological, emotional, and physical needs are all met on a daily basis through
interactions with other human beings, which only serves to strengthen these human ties.
Generic human contact, however, is not enough to fully satisfy the needs of an adult
individual. Interpersonal communication and bonding must occur on a deeper, more
personal level in order for a person to feel whole. This usually occurs between lovers
who devote themselves to each other and to creating a home for themselves, perhaps even
having children and raising a family. Such lasting relationships are inevitably incredibly
complicated, intricate social structures: based solely on the word of his or her partner, a
lover will make long-term plans and commitments. In no other realm of life are verbal
commitments held in such high regard, and for good reason. In a world where more than
half of marriages end in divorce, it is clear that the sincerity with which these promises
are made is hard to judge. No one wants to suffer through divorce court a few years
down the line, emotionally racked and suddenly alone. Yet the clearest signs of true
devotion are so subtle as to be often overlooked when making evaluations of such
promises, while visible characteristics of healthy long-term relationships are all too easily
imitated. Thus it is that although long-term relationships are also typically sexual
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relationships, many sexual relationships lack the intimacy and love that are required to
sustain the bond between lovers when they are faced with hardships.
Before delving into the interrelated roles that love, intimacy, and sex play in both
healthy and unhealthy long-term relationships, it is critical to articulate the meaning of
these terms. Sex is a purely physical act in which pleasure is induced through
manipulation of the genitals of at least one participant. In opposition to this potentially
impersonal act, intimacy and love can only exist between two individuals who are
emotionally committed to each other. Intimacy is best defined as any interaction that
involves one party voluntarily putting himself in an uncomfortable, awkward position by
exposing a vulnerability so that the other person can accept him regardless of that alleged
weakness. If this acceptance does not occur, then only a failed attempt at intimacy can be
said to have taken place, as such a rejection does not draw the partners closer together,
but rather pushes them apart. Also, although a series of intimate exchanges can lead to a
feeling of love developing between two individuals, actual love is deeper than mere
intimacy. Only when an individual has consciously made a permanent commitment to
seek first the best interests of his partner, even when those interests conflict with his own,
can a person be said to be in love with his partner.
Illustrations and elaborations of these central concepts abound in Angels in
America. Prior and Louis have been sexually involved and living together for four years
before the start of the play, yet there are several indications of Louis’s emotional
incapacity in their very first scene together. Shortly after the conclusion of the funeral for
Louis’s grandmother, Prior consoles him with a hug, saying “Poor Louis. I’m sorry your
grandmother is dead,” an indication of Prior’s genuine love for Louis (Kushner 25). In
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the very same conversation, however, Louis recalls how his grandmother “was up in that
home for ten years, talking to herself,” yet he “never visited,” which suggests that
although Louis may claim to have loved his grandmother, he didn’t care enough to visit
her even once as she lay slowly dying in such isolation that she was driven to talk to
herself (Kushner 25). Later in the scene, Prior attempts to bring Louis closer to him by
exposing his recently discovered physical vulnerability of being diagnosed with AIDS.
Not only is this an opportunity for intimacy, but given the danger of contracting a deadly
disease that Louis must accept in order to embrace Prior’s newly exposed vulnerability, it
is also clearly an opportunity for Louis to demonstrate that he truly loves Prior. Sadly,
Louis is too selfish to love Prior, and mere hours after he learns of Prior’s illness he
begins to justify abandoning Prior by any means possible, claiming that “he isn’t so good
with death,” as if to suggest that there exist individuals who aren’t bothered in the
slightest by seeing their loved ones die slow, gruesome, early deaths due to unexpected
illness (Kushner 31).
As Prior’s disease progresses, it becomes clear that Louis doesn’t want Prior to
get better because he cares deeply about Prior’s health and happiness, but rather because
he is worried about the guilt he will have to carry around with him if Prior’s condition
worsens to the point that he leaves Prior. Rather than educating himself about Prior’s
disease and becoming involved in the medical treatments, Louis tries to pretend that Prior
is perfectly healthy. When he is presented with evidence that this is not the case, he
panics and tries to exact a pardon from Prior for crimes he has not yet committed, saying
“What if I walked out on this? Would you hate me forever?” (Kushner 46). Louis even
has the gumption to construct aloud in Prior’s presence, from the ground up, a philosophy
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regarding death and judgment solely for the purpose of assuring himself that there would
be no consequences for him should he decide to abandon Prior (Kushner 44-48). It is
clear that although Prior and Louis have had a sexual relationship for several years, they
had not established a lasting partnership because their relationship was not centered in
selfless love and heartfelt intimacy. This leaves Prior to draw upon Belize for emotional
support in his time of need. Although his relationship with Belize is intimate, as is made
clear when he tells Belize not only that he hears a voice, but that “When I hear it, I get
hard,” their relationship is no longer sexual and the love that is shared between them is no
longer romantic, but merely playful and friendly (Kushner 66).
Joe and Harper also have several obstacles preventing them from enjoying a
lasting and fruitful long-term relationship. Although they are married and seem to
express genuine concern for one another at times, Joe’s homosexuality keeps Harper
from receiving any sexual gratification. She feels rejected and undesirable in spite of the
fact that it is no fault of her own that Joe does not find women sexually attractive. They
cannot be completely open and honest with one another because they both have secrets
that they do not trust each other with keeping. Joe does not want to admit to Harper that
he is a homosexual who needs to come to terms with that reality by communicating
openly with his wife any more than Harper wants to admit to Joe that she is addicted to
Valium and needs her husband’s love and support in order to break her addiction. They
distrust each other, and although there is a spark of love that shines forth in their
interactions from time to time, such as when Harper belts out “Bastard. You fell out of
love with me,” and Joe responds with a sincere “That isn’t true,” whatever mutual love
they once shared could not sustain their relationship indefinitely when the wellspring of
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attraction from which their love initially flowed was never replenished through sex and
full-disclosure intimacy (Kushner 151).
These patterns of deeply established relationships going awry due to lack of sex
and intimacy or of relationships falling apart because they were never firmly grounded in
a genuine mutual love run throughout both literature and reality. In Middlesex, Lefty and
Desdemona have a very loving, playful, and genuinely caring early marriage. It is not
until Desdemona decides to avoid having sex with Lefty whenever possible that their
“unusually close and egalitarian marriage” begins to deteriorate as their former intimacy
fades (Eugenides 130). Throughout the rest of their lives they are never quite as close
again, but they continue to love and support each other, even through hard times, such as
when Lefty gambles away all of their savings and they are forced to have a yard sale.
Phil Petrie further articulates the difficulties that can arise in long-term relationships by
discussing an incident in which a husband and wife try to discuss the difficult problem of
finding medical coverage before the wife gives birth to their coming child. Lack of
communication is a barrier to intimacy in this case, and although there is no lack of love
between the couple, an inability to express that love through intimate conversation and
personal contact could easily keep that love from being recognized. Petrie articulates the
difficulty of the situation from the male perspective, stating that “As men we find that we
are too careful, too private, not open and willing to explore. We find it difficult to open
up even to those we care about the most” (225). Even individuals who are enjoying a
healthy, functional relationship that will last a lifetime must tackle the daily challenges of
maintaining that personal bond by addressing the issues of sex, intimacy, and love.
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Sex, love, and intimacy are intricately related concepts that are central to the
development of the lasting personal relationships that develop between lovers. There is
no shortage of challenges to overcome in maintaining a healthy relationship. Whereas
Prior and Louis cannot hold their relationship together through times of great stress
because their sex and occasional intimacy cannot make up for their lack of genuine love,
Harper and Joe have a marriage that is falling apart not for lack of love, but for lack of
sex and casual intimacy to restore and rejuvenate that love. It is as if Prior and Louis are
attempting to build a mansion out of nothing but mortar, whereas Joe and Harper are
trying to do the same thing but by using only bricks: neither house will stand for long,
just as neither relationship will be able to weather any serious conflict. The bricks of Joe
and Harper’s mansion are crumbling down, eroded by the sands of time with no way to
repair the damage and no will to rebuild, and without the necessary solid building
materials, Prior and Louis never had a particularly strong relationship to begin with.
Both of these cases are representative of the complexity and difficulty of establishing and
maintaining a lasting personal relationship. Love, intimacy, and sex are all essential
components of a healthy long-term relationship, and although they are related concepts,
they also have distinct meanings and expressions. Only by constantly addressing the
needs of a given relationship in these key areas can an existing bond between two lovers
be sustained indefinitely as a lifelong union of souls.
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Works Cited
Eugenides, Jeffrey. Middlesex. New York: Picador, 2002.
Kushner, Tony. Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes. New York:
Theatre Communications Group, 1995.
Petrie, Phil W. “Real Men Don’t Cry… and Other ‘Uncool’ Myths.” Reconstructing
Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Ed. Estelle Disch. New York: McGraw Hill,
2006. 221-226.