Parenting Article No. 74
COMMON PARENTING TRAPS
Most parents want the best for their children and try hard to “do the right thing” –
whatever that may be. Unfortunately there are a number of behaviours or “traps” which
parents fall into and if these behaviours become a habit they may impact on the
relationship between the parent and the child. There are 8 basic traps which parents may
fall into. The age of the child and realistic expectations of their behaviour influence the
likelihood of the parent falling into a particular trap and impact it has.
1) Criticism: Some parents only comment on their children’s
“bad” or negative behaviour and fail to let their children know
when they are happy with their behaviour. They continually try to
correct their child’s behaviour by criticism, complaining or
nagging and often label the child in negative ways (e.g. ‘lazy’,
‘good for nothing’,).
Too much freedom with little or no supervision can cause
problems for the child and their families as children who are not
monitored are at greater risk of falling under the influence of antisocial peers, and becoming involved in risk-taking behaviours and
juvenile crime.
Continual criticism may not only lower the child’s self esteem but
also make the child reluctant to try and do anything new or
different for fear of failure.
5) “You are doing it on purpose”: This is a thinking trap parents
get caught in by assuming that their child is doing something
deliberately to annoy them. Believe it or not it is rare that the
reason a child is behaving that way is to deliberately to upset their
parents.
2) Escalation: Escalation is when a negative behaviour
continually (e.g. Nagging, tantrums, yelling, hitting etc) persists
and/or worsens until the person has got their way. Both parents
and children use this negative behaviour to try and control and
change the other’s behaviour.
When a child ignores a request the parent may resort to repeating
the request - getting louder and more aggressive each time and it
is not until the parent has become very angry - and maybe
threatens - that the child does what is requested. Similarly it is
often all too easy for parents to give into their child rather than to
deal with whining, tantrums, arguing etc that are getting louder
and louder.
At the time it may seem that using behaviour such as nagging,
yelling or threatening is an effective way to get things done but if
used too enough, they can become a habit. This can lead parents
and children to stop wanting to spend time together (except when
arguing or fighting), for parents to stop asking their children to do
things, or for children to avoid or lie to their parents.
3) “You will do it because I say so” Some parents do not provide
their child with an explanation or an opportunity to discuss about
what their being asked to do. Such parents want instant and
unquestioning obedience from their child. Setting fair and
reasonable rules is important, but expecting children – especially
older children to obey immediately or without questioning can get
in the way of them becoming independent.
This trap can lead to older children becoming more rebellious and
disruptive, lead to conflict and unhappiness or the child accepting
what their parent says but doing what they want when the parent
is not around.
4) Out of sight out of mind: To some parents preferring not to
know where their child is or what they are doing means they can
avoid an unpleasant conversation or potential difference of
opinions. Parents of teenagers often fall into this trap by lowering
the level of supervision, monitoring and involvement too soon.
Thinking “he/she is doing this to upset me” is unhelpful because
it can lead to parents to become more angry and upset, and less
able to deal with problems in a calm and reasonable way.
6) Overprotection: Parents should not try to protect their
children from all failures, disappointments/losses, or the
consequences of the child’s own bad behaviour.
If parents are over protective it makes it hard for the child to learn
how to deal with/manage their feelings or to take responsibility
for their own actions. When parents frequently bail their child out
of problems they caused themselves, they can unintentionally
give the message that you can do what you want and there will
always be someone to protect you from the natural consequences
of your behaviour.
7) Taking it personally: As children grow and develop, they
become more independent. This means that they may be
interested in different things from their parents, have different
views, and may no longer see their parents as perfect. Parents
should not take this personally or as a rejection. Children can
have a difference of opinion with their parents and still love them.
Parents shouldn’t blame themselves for their child’s behaviour or
think that they can be a perfect parent. They cannot directly
control other influences on their child’s behaviour e.g. school
peers and media. The best the parent can do is to help the child
develop the kinds of life skills that will assist them in making
wise judgments and good decisions.
8) The martyr: Some parents are overly focused on their
children’s needs and fail to look after their own. Everyone needs
time to rest, to spend with friends/partners and doing things that
are important to them. By meeting these needs in themselves
helps parents to be better able to care for their children and
families. If they don’t they can become exhausted and burnt out.
This also includes when parents allow their own rights to be
trampled on by their children. Parents have a right to expect
reasonable behaviour from their children.
Ref: ABCD Parenting Young Adolescents Program
For a complete list of Regional Parenting Service articles go to the City of Greater Geelong website
www.geelongaustralia.com.au/community/family/services/article/8cbc84b53070368.aspx