EQUIPPING Counselors
TO
EMPOWER Students
Directors of Guidance Conference
September 2012
Presenter:
Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-Intern
Under supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-S, NCC
Welcome
What do you hope to learn today?
What’s Ahead
 Goals of Misbehavior
 Recognizing it and what to do about it
 Internal Motivation
 Encouragement vs. Praise
 Specific Tools
 Limit setting
 Choice giving
 Coping skills
 Wheel of Choice
 Brain Works
Workshop Objectives
 Objective 1 – Participants will learn four goals children have for
misbehavior and how to meet the children’s needs with positive
alternatives.
 Objective 2 – Participants will learn the difference between an internal
and external locus of control, how to create internal motivation, and
the importance of doing so.
 Objective 3 – Participants will learn the difference between
encouragement and praise and be exposed to the latest research on
the importance of the distinction.
Workshop Objectives (Cont.)
 Objective 4 – Participants will learn how to teach positive
coping mechanisms for children and specific activities and
tools to do so.
 Objective 5 – Participants will learn how to teach positive
problem solving skills to children and specific activities and
tools to do so.
 Objective 6 – Participants will be equipped with information
and tools to improve the effectiveness of their counselors in
supporting students and training teachers.
Children’s Goals of Misbehavior
Why do they do that?
What should I do about it?
CHILDREN’S GOALS OF MISBEHAVIOR
1.Gaining attention
2.Gaining power and control
3.Proving inadequacy
4.Getting revenge
Rudolph Dreikurs, “Children the Challenge”
GOAL 1: Getting Attention
CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS
• I only count when I am being
noticed.
• I’m only important if I keep you
busy with me.
• Child bothers others, shows
off, minor mischief, class clown
OR shy, uptight, messy
anxious, or lazy.
GOAL 1: Getting Attention
ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS
• Annoyed, irritated,
exasperated.
• Reminds, coaxes, pleads,
gives attention.
• Temporarily halts child’s
behavior when given
attention.
POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET
CHILD’S GOAL FOR ATTENTION
• Reflect understanding – I care about you and will spend time with
you later
• Redirect by assigning a task so the child can gain useful attention
• Set up routines and regular duties
• Use problem solving skills
• Ignore unwanted behavior when possible
• Touch without words and use of nonverbal signs
GOAL 2: Gaining Power
CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS
• I only count when I am dominating
you or others.
• I only count when you do what I
want you to do.
• “You can’t make me!”
• Argues, contradicts, tantrums,
defiant, dishonest, power
struggles OR forgets, stubborn,
disobedient, lazy.
• Let me help, give me choices.
GOAL 2: Gaining Power
ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS
• Angry, threatened, challenged,
provoked
• Preachy, domineering, engages in
power struggle
• Punishment escalates behavior
because child works harder to be
the boss
POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET
CHILD’S GOAL FOR POWER
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Redirect to positive power by asking for help or assigning task
Offer limited and age appropriate choices
Don’t fight or give in
Don’t engage in a power struggle
Be firm and kind
Whisper
Let routines and rules be the boss
Encourage positive behavior and choices
GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy
CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS
• I can’t do anything right.
• If I try, I will fail, so I won’t try.
• Child gives up, is discouraged,
and isolative.
• If corrected feels nothing or
even worse and stops even
small efforts.
GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy
ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS
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Helpless
Gives up
Does too much for the child
These actions will reinforce
feelings of inadequacy in the
child.
POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET
CHILD’S GOAL FOR INADEQUACY
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Encourage any attempt and celebrate small successes
Break tasks down into small steps
Set up opportunities for success
Teach skills / model
Don’t do it for the child
Build on child’s interests
Stop all criticism
Have faith in child’s abilities
Don’t give up!
GOAL 4: Revenge
CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS
• I need to push others away to
protect myself.
• I am unlikeable.
• People hurt me.
• Malicious, violent, bad loser,
steals, hurts OR pouts,
threatens, withdraws, moody.
• Help me, I am hurting,
acknowledge my feelings, care
about me.
GOAL 4: Revenge
ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS
• Hurt, shocked, angry.
• Wants to get even or withdraw.
• Punishment and retaliation leads to more hurtful actions and
escalating pushing others away.
POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET
CHILD’S GOAL FOR REVENGE
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Encourage strengths and positive behaviors
Acknowledge hurt feelings
Use reflective listening
Avoid punishment
Build trust
Show you care
THE MOST DIFFICULT CHILD
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Hardest to like – and they know it
Must build a connection with them
Non-verbals account for up to 93% of what we communicate
Notice and comment when he/she makes an improvement – even a small one
Apologize if necessary – “what you do may not be as important as what you
do next”
• Reflect feelings BEFORE taking action – communicate understanding
• Spend time with the child when he/she is being good
• Take a time out if you need one
BREAK OUT SESSION
What is the child’s goal of misbehavior?
How should it be handled?
CAN YOU MOTIVATE?
Motivation: The general desire or willingness of
someone to do something
INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL
MOTIVATION
External
Internal
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Driven by intrinsic factors
(self, pride, goals)
Driven by curiosity and
exploration
Enjoyable
Self motivation
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Driven by extrinsic factors
(parents, teachers)
Rewards, deadlines, threats,
social pressures
Driven to please others, seek
rewards or avoid punishment
http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/eleanor-chin/200901041123
Integrating The Two
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Intrinsic motivation is important to self-motivation
Too much makes us self-indulgent
External motivation is needed to “fit” in the world
Too much decreases motivation
Balance the goal with finding the right path
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Listen – what motivates and excites the child?
Observe – what are the child’s strengths? What do they enjoy?
Reflect – help the child notice these things about him/herself
Encourage rather than praise
Praise vs. Encouragement
What’s wrong with saying “Good job!”
A confusing and difficult concept for some
WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAYING “GOOD JOB”
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Praise after a task then becomes expected
Children learn to “perform” rather than “create”
Praise is evaluative and judgmental
Praise reduces self-reliance and self-control
Encouragement influences success later in life
Encouragement enables self-motivation
Encouragement recognizes effort
Effort, discipline, and emotional strength = critical life skills
http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/encouragement.html
ENCOURAGEMENT VERSUS PRAISE
ENCOURAGEMENT
• Promotes cooperation and
contribution for the good of all
• Focuses on effort and joy
• Child feels “accepted”
• Fosters self-interest,
• Creates triers
• Fosters acceptance of being
imperfect
• Fosters independence
PRAISE
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Promotes rivalry and competition
Focuses on quality of performance
Child feels “judged”
Fosters selfishness
Creates quitters
Fosters fear of failure
Fosters dependence
http://www.thekidcounselor.com/articles/encouragement-vs-praise
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
ENCOURAGEMENT
• Focus on effort and improvement
• You figured it out!
PRAISE
• Describe and show interest
• You decided to . . . I see you are really
thinking about this . . .
• Show confidence
• Sounds like you have a plan . . . You know a
lot about . . . That is tough but I bet you’ll
figure it out
• Focus on contributions
• You made a difference by . . . Would you
help me?
• Notice positive actions
• You didn’t give up . . . That was a kind thing
to do . . . You are determined to get that
done
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You did great!
You are the best student!
You are always on time!
Your picture is so pretty!
I am so proud of you!
You’re a good helper!
Helpful Articles and Videos about Praise VS Encouragement
Articles:

How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise. By Po Bronson
http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/27840/

Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” By Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

If Praising Kids Is Bad, What Should I Do? How I Negotiate the Encouragement Problem. By
Heather Turgeon
www.babble.com/kid/child-development/how-to-praise-kids-encouragement/
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Videos:
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The Myth Of Praise, ABC News. http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8487839
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Michael Jordan “Failure” commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc

Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” commercial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=PH8nTfxwByY
SO WHAT’S A COUNSELOR TO DO?
YOU NOW –
 Understand children have goals for
their misbehavior
 Know why encouragement is better
than praise
 Know why developing an internal locus
of control will reduce the need for
external control
NOW WHAT?
• Specific tools and programs
SPECIFIC TOOLS
• Limit Setting
• Choice Giving
• Healthy Coping Skills
• Wheel of Choice Problem Solving
• Brain Works
LIMIT SETTING
A-C-T
• A – Acknowledge the child’s feeling
• Accept the feeling not the behavior
• C – Communicate the limit
• Simple, calm, and firm
• T – Target alternatives
• What is acceptable
• EXAMPLE:
• A – You are really mad that you can’t have the book right now
• C – But someone else is reading it
• T - You may read the book when we return from lunch or tomorrow,
which do you choose?
CHOICE GIVING
• Using the word “CHOICE” or “CHOOSE” returns
responsibility back to the child
• Choice giving is a great tool to empower children
• Give both parts of the choice – the consequence and the
positive part
• Always follow through
CHOICE GIVING
• A FEW EXAMPLES:
• Suzy, if you choose to put the doll away
now, you may choose to play with it again
today. If you choose to not put the doll
away now, you choose to not play with it
again today.
• Sam, you may choose to sit quietly and
continue listening to the story we are
reading or you may choose to get a puzzle
and sit quietly at your desk.
• Kelly, you may choose to walk to the back of
the line or you may choose to hop to the
back of the line.
COPING SKILLS
 Stress, anger, sadness = poor attention and memory
 Poor coping skills lead to high risk behaviors
 School triggers stress but also a safe place to learn
 Normalizes feelings
 Peer learning
 Kids learn coping skills (+ & -) from parents, peers,
and teachers
COPING SKILLS
Why teach positive coping skills?
 Increases students’ self confidence and self esteem
 Increases internal locus of control (intrinsic motivation)
 Reduces behavior problems in the school
 Teaches positive life skills
Two Programs
 Wheel of Choice program (elementary)
 Brain Works program (pre-teen/adolescent)
WHEEL OF CHOICE PROGRAM
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Based on Positive Discipline in the Classroom
Curriculum based approach with 14 lessons
Teaches life skills
Students can create their own “choices”
Gives students a visual reminder and easy to use tool
Program created by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott
Information presented with permission from Jane Nelson
Positive Discipline Lesson Plans
1. Share and Take Turns
2. Apologize
3. Ask Them To Stop
4. Be a Friend
5. Go to Cool-off Spot
6.Count to Ten
7. Ignore It
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
Mistaken Goal Chart
Put It on the Agenda
Say What You Want
Try Again
“I” Messages
Work it out Together
Ask for Help
Complete program available at www.positivediscipline.com
WHEEL OF CHOICE
WWW.EMPOWERINGPEOPLE.COM
Information presented with permission from author, Jane Nelson
CREATE A WHEEL OF CHOICE
TOGETHER
Horizon School – Newport Beach, CA
Classroom in Horizon School
Brain Works Project
 Many Lesson plan ideas and comprehensive school
program (www.copingskills4kids.net)
 Teach brain knowledge –
 Brain development
 Nearly fully developed by age 12
 Frontal lobe development up to mid 20’s
 Kids eager to learn about themselves
 What happens to the brain when we are upset?
 How can we better manage our emotions?
Brain Works Project
 Handout of Project Example
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Emotional experiences
Loss, rejection, betrayal or humiliation?
How do I feel inside?
How does this experience make me feel about myself?
How did I cope (+ and -)?
What is something positive you’ve learned about
yourself through this upsetting experience?
POSITIVE COPING SKILLS
 Have older students brainstorm
a list of positive coping skills
 Explain that sometimes people
choose negative coping skills
(i.e. drugs, alcohol, self-harm,
aggression, isolation etc.)
 Distribute the list
 Each student can create their
own Wheel of Choice with
coping skills that work best for
them
Additional Resources
Great links from Polk Elementary School Website –
Dearborn Heights, Michigan (see handout)
 http://polkdhsd7.sharpschool.com/staff_directory/p_
b_s_behavior_intervention/tier_1_interventions/teach
_coping_skills
Breakout Session
Create your own Wheel of Choice for Your Personal Coping Skills
PLEASE COMPLETE EVALUATION FORM
Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-Intern
Under supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-S
Child, Adolescent, Adult and Group Counselor
Play Therapist and Parenting Trainer
marcey@tots.pro
Therapy on the Square
114 ½ E Louisiana, Ste. 201
McKinney, TX 75069
972-439-5160 direct
972-886-8375 office