Bullying:
Continuing Acts of Terrorism
FACTS
• 60% of middle school students say that they have
been bullied while 16% of staff believe that students
are bullied.
• 160,000 students stay home from school every day
due to bullying.
• A bully is 6 times more likely to be incarcerated by
the age of 24.
• A bully is 5 times more likely to have a serious
criminal record when he grows up.
• 20% of high school students say they have seriously
considered suicide within the last 12 months.
• In schools where there are bullying programs,
bullying is reduced by 50%
•
Source. Bullying, Bullying in Schools by James Burns, 3/2011
Light of our Lives
His sister’s mentor
Daniel turns 3!
Fun camping
Preparing Christmas
cookies
Little Scout
MIDDLE SCHOOL
• Incidents of bullying begin.
• Parents have several meetings, emails, phone
calls with school officials.
• Daniel himself reports to school officials.
• Bullying intensifies.
• Daniel confides that he’s now being called a
“snitch”, “loser”, “you’d be better off dead”.
• Begs us not to complain to school anymore.
• We do anyway, without his knowledge. “It will be
taken care of.”
Love of Sailing
Chargers Birthday Party
Enjoying Hawaii
Absorbing wonders
of Italy
Relaxing in Cancun
Skiing in Mammoth
Taking the helm in Toronto
TaekwonDo Black
Belt
Enjoying Puerto Vallarta
Proud of my young man
Disney Cruise
Caught a big one!
Confirmation in Christ
HIGH SCHOOL
• Bullying continues non stop. Verbal as well as
physical. He begins getting thrown into trash
cans.
• Daniel stops confiding in parents.
• Begins to show mild signs of depression.
• Parents have suspicions and called the school
officials. “I think he’s being bullied.”
• School administrators promise to keep an eye
on things.
• Still active in sports and social events.
• Good core group of friends, no drugs, alcohol,
good grades.
ACTIVE, STRONG, MARTIAL ARTS BLACK BELT, HONOR ROLL
STUDENT, BOY SCOUT, ABOVE ALL, A PEACE ACTIVIST.
HIS FINAL YEAR
• Daniel tells us he is having thoughts of
suicide. Breaks into tears. “Mom, I don’t
want to die.”
• We are shocked.
• Emergency room doctors perform full
psychiatric evaluation.
• “Nothing to worry about. Only
ideations.”
• At his request, Daniel begins to see a
therapist regularly. We research the best
experts available.
THERAPISTS MISSED SIGNS
• Mom’s written intake notes to therapist:
“Daniel entered Middle School and was mercilessly
picked on. Harassed on playground. Turned kids in
to school administration and then was ostracized.
Regrets having turned them in. Says he has become
known as a snitch.”
• Email Daniel sent to his therapist:
“School is a war zone. Kill or be killed. Make fun of
or be made fun of. People talk crap to me and mess
with me because they know I won’t do anything about
it. I would if I could but I can’t.”
• Kids talk that way; he has too much going for him.
• Therapists look to family for source of issues.
No One Got It
• After his death, therapist writes in final notes
that Daniel did share with him a history of
being bullied.
• Same doctor that Daniel wrote the emails to
months before he died stating “People talk crap
to me all the time and I don’t know what to do
to stop it. I am a failure. School is a war
zone. Kill or be killed. I should just end my
life now.”
• Yet, during legal proceedings, therapists stated
that they were not told about the bullying.
• They just missed it.
AT SCHOOL
• Last week of his life, bullying escalated. Teacher
sent one bully to the principal’s office. Bully’s
parents notified. Daniel’s parents were not.
• Friday morning, a final altercation. Daniel finally
throws his first punch.
• He ends his life within hours of that altercation.
• Was used against him after his death. The
school officials pointed out, “Your son pulled the
first punch.”
• How do we define “first”?
THE WORLD AT HIS FEET…
HEADLINES – CAN THIS REALLY BE OUR
LIVES?
EXAMPLES OF BLOGS AFTER
DANIEL’S DEATH:
THE KIDS ALWAYS KNOW…
• He was getting picked on at school…some kid
threatened to beat him up. And yes, I went to school with
this kid.
• I went to middle school with him and kids did pick on him
and I was always nice to him. I feel bad I couldn’t have
tried and helped him hang out or something.
• That day of Daniel’s death saddens me. What makes it
worse is that I have to see the people who put him over
the edge every day.
Hours After His Death
• Shortly after his death, kids began coming to our
house to tell us he had been being bullied. They
told us a bullying investigation had been started
at the school.
• Friends stated Daniel was picked on consistently,
since Middle School and into High School.
Some kids had reported it to the teachers but
nothing changed.
• Friends stated Daniel was picked on because he
never fought back. He was too nice. Daniel
would try to befriend the bullies but it never
worked.
THINGS WE’VE LEARNED
• Bullying is not a class issue. Affects kids regardless of race,
color, creed, national origin or sexual orientation.
• Experts tell us it is the sensitive kids who get singled out for
bullying; the easy targets.*
• Daniel was an easy target. He didn’t believe in violence.
The bullies knew he wouldn’t strike back.
• Bullying is insidious. Verbal attacks can be much more
damaging than physical attacks. It wears the victim down
slowly to the point of no return.
• Today, children do not have the same protection on school
grounds as adults do in the workplace.
• School resources are scarce. Many schools do not have
anti-bullying programs in place.
Source: Dr. Mark Dombeck, The Long Term Effects of Bullying
BULLYING TOUGHENS YOU UP,
RIGHT? NOT HARDLY…
• Studies prove that repeated bullying results in
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(CPTSD).
• Resulting symptoms include depression,
anxiety, lack of self esteem, loss of sleep,
fatigue, feelings of detachment, fear, panic
attacks, suicidal thoughts and acts – all of
Daniel’s symptoms.
• The bullied person often thinks they are
going mad. They are not: PTSD is a psychiatric
injury; it is not a mental illness.
AFFECTS EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT
CHILDREN MOST
• The injured person experiencing PTSD cannot bring
themselves to believe that the bully cannot and will
not see the effect their behavior is having; they cling
naively to the mistaken belief that the bully will
recognize their wrong doing and apologize.
• The injured person is often articulate but prevented
from articulation from being traumatized. This is one
reason why kids “don’t tell, or don’t want to tell.”
• So bullying is the perfect crime. The victim doesn’t
want to tell.
Source: Bully Online: Stress Injury to Trauma, PTSD
DIFFICULTIES PURSUING A LEGAL CASE
• Psychological issues caused by the bullying is actually
used as a defense by the perpetrators.
• While it is proven that bullying leads to depression and
self-loathing, linking the psychological damage to the
bullying post-mortem is almost an impossibility.
• We were warned that attorneys would look for
anything in our family unit to blame the suicide on,
(i.e. prior marriages, alcohol, prescription drugs, history
of depression, etc.) Our lives would be ripped open.
Expenses would be driven up to make getting all the way
to trial too high a risk for family.
• The few cases even brought to court often are
dismissed due to lack of evidence. At best, settle out of
court for very little damages.
LEGAL CASE
• To hold bullies legally accountable, you need to prove
that your child was bullied.
• To hold schools legally accountable, you need to meet
three benchmarks:
– Your child was bullied.
– Teachers knew about the bullying.
– Teachers did not do “enough” to address the bullying.
Last two are difficult to prove with the third being very
subjective. Easily defended by attorneys.
SCHOOLS ARE A BUSINESS
• Respond to what their customers want.
• Parents demand academic excellence but not moral
or emotional intelligence.
• Unless required by law, schools apply very limited
resources the way their customer base demands.
• Schools know bullying lawsuits are rarely successful.
Yet they have bullies’ families threatening to sue
them if they take action against their child.
• Squeakiest wheel gets the grease.
WE ARE ALL AT RISK
• It is impossible to attempt to profile which
kids are at risk.
• Daniel did not fall into any of the high risk
categories.
• One child’s death affects an entire
community permanently.
• No one is immune…no one escapes.
SOCIETAL CHANGE NEEDED
• Therapists, Schools, Parents, Kids, Legal System,
Legislation
• Currently, no required professional training for
psychologists in the assessment and identification of
intervention strategies for bullying among children.
• No required training or coursework for educators on
the topic of bullying.
• No required anti-bullying programs for schools (only
encouraged.)
• Definition of bullying – let’s make it same as
harassment definition for adults in the workplace.
• Parents – let’s teach our children emotional
intelligence. It starts at home.
COOL 2 BE KIND
• After Daniel’s death, his friends began their own antibullying club called Cool 2 Be Kind (C2BK) at San
Clemente High School.
• Offers peer to peer support, offers teens safe havens
to eat their lunches away from the threat of bullying.
• Provides kids forum to voice their concerns where
they know they will be heard.
• C2BK received the Ambassadors of Peace Award by
the Orange County Anti-Violence Coalition as well as
a Commendation by the Mayor of San Clemente.
Kids are determined to bring action
out of their pain and start C2Bk.
C2Bk leaders bring Blue Ribbon Week
to San Clemente.
Dances held in Daniel’s memory to
raise awareness.
C2Bk kids speak at assemblies.
Daniel’s sister Victoria insists on attending the same High
School. “Mom, this school is not different than any other.
This problem is everywhere. And I won’t let the bullies affect
my life more than they already have. I’m going to that high
school and I’m going to make a difference through Cool 2 Be
Kind.” In their third year of operations, Victoria is bestowed
an Honorary Leadership Role in C2BK.
Red Ribbon Week Parade
Homecoming Parade.
Lobbying for legislative changes.
Victoria speaks at community
events.
C2Bk kids receive State Senate
Commendation
C2Bk kids receive Award of
Recognition from OC
Supervisor’s Office
C2Bk leaders receive
Commendation from Mayor of
San Clemente
2 months before he died, Daniel wrote to
DeAngelo Hall Foundation asking to
serve in one of their events as his goal
was to stop teen violence. Two years
after his death, the C2BK club is
awarded the Ambassadors Of Peace
award by the OC Anti-Violence Coalition.
A hallway where Daniel was bullied, two
years after his death.
QUOTES DANIEL KEPT ON
BEDROOM WALL
gotta make a change. It’s time for us as a
people to start makin’ some changes. Let’s change
the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and
let’s change the way we treat each other. You see,
the old way wasn’t working, so it’s on us to do what
we gotta do, to survive.” - 2 Pac
• “We
• “People have been messing with me my whole life. I
learned a long time ago there’s no sense getting all
riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard
time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it
should.” - Harold and Kumar
WE BURY OUR CHILD :
NOT IN THE NAME OF WAR, OR FAMINE, OR DISEASE
BUT FOR SENSELESS ACTS OF CRUELTY IN AMERICA
“IT’S TIME FOR US AS A PEOPLE
TO START MAKING SOME
CHANGES”
For more information, contact National Association of
People Against Bullying (NAPAB) www.napab.org.
NAPAB’S MISSION: To raise awareness and provide
education for the prevention of bullying, and to provide
critical resources to parents and children who are
currently experiencing this tragedy.
To learn more about Daniel’s story, go to RIP Daniel
Mendez facebook page.
Contact Anna Mendez at 949.212.2246 or
anna@napab.org for more information or if you are
interested in being a part of the grass roots efforts with
NAPAB.
Sources and References:
Dr. Mark Dombeck, The Long Term Effects of Bullying
Christi O’Connor, Founder of YouthVoice / Monster March
Bully Online: Stress Injury to Trauma, PTSD
Artist’s rendition of Daniel on cover by Joseph Adolfe