Managing Conflict Well
Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center
www.bukallife.org
What is conflict?
Define:
Hidwaan
Alitan
Di Pagkakasundo
Di Pannakatunusan
<Focus is on issues rather than behavior
in relationships>
Think about it…
It is hardly possible to live
without conflict unless we live
by our lonely self, and
eventually die of boredom.
“Wilson,” co-star in Castaway
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“No man is an island entire of itself; every
man is a piece of the continent, a part of
the main; “ -John Donne
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Psalm 133:1
“How good and pleasant
it is when brothers live
together in unity”
What is a Group?
All groups include
2 or more
INTERDEPENDENT individuals who
INFLUENCE one another through
SOCIAL INTERACTION.
What is an Aggregate?
Any gathering of people.
How might one differentiate between a
group and an aggregate?
Uniqueness of Groups
Interaction-- both activities and
interpersonal relations.
Structure-- roles, norms, interpersonal
relations.
Cohesion-- unity of the group.
Social and Collective Identity-recognition of being a member of a
group.
Goals-- reasons for formation and
continued existence of group.
Name the Group
Review
Model of Group Development
(McBride)
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Forsyth 5 Stages of Group
Development
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Forming Stage
Getting acquainted
How will the group function
Developing norms
Clarifying expectations
Is it (the group) safe?
Storming
Evidence of problems:
-Criticismal idea
-Poor attendance
-Hostility
-Polarization
-Coalition formation (cliques)
Storming Stage
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Conflict
Common as harmony
Key ingredient for creative cohesion
Assists groups to clarify goals
Provides a means of venting personal
hostilities
Why do we get into conflict?
Reason #1: Social Dilemma
<“unenlightened” self-interest>
[GAME]
#2 Personal Conflict
#3. Substantive Conflict
4. Procedural Conflict
5. Competition
Groups can avoid traps leading to
unresolved disagreements through
face-to-face communication
Setting Group Goals is more
advantageous than individual
goals.
It is better to find resolution to a
conflict than winning and end up
losing altogether
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7 Core Beliefs
#1 Conflict is normal in a close
relationship.
#2. Healthy relationships
cannot be built on a 50-50
philosophy
#3. A commitment to honesty
is essential
#4. High stress usually lowers
our tolerance to conflict.
#5. Spiritual resources are vital
to managing conflicts
#6. Methods of managing conflict are
normally different from one culture to
the next.
#7. Disagreements can be an
opportunity to build one
another up.
“Dos” in Conflict Management
Take it to the Lord first
Deal with conflicts ASAP
Keep to the present
Concentrate on one issue
Use “I” statements
Establish and observe “belt lines”
Express feelings appropriately
“Don’ts” in Conflict Management
Don’t attack each other’s character
Don’t “mind read”
Don’t make prophecies
Don’t counterattack
Don’t try to win
Don’t seek revenge
Don’t dump your problem on other people.
Suggested Strategy
#1. Ask yourself some questions
---Is this disagreement something that I can let
go of?
---Is this an important or trivial issue?
---Is the problem primarily… me?
---Am I willing to be honest and caring?
---Am I ready to explore options for a mutually
agreeable solution?
#2. Bring up the issue
<Note: Timing is crucial!!>
#3. Explain the conflict
State exactly what the person does and
the effects.
Focus on “Tender” feelings, versus
“Crusty” feelings.
#4. Propose a tentative
solution
Tentative attempt to find a
MUTUALLY satisfactory
solution.
Seek regular feedback.
#5. The Other Person
Responds
Three different responses:
1. May agree with your ideas.
2. May disagree completely.
3. May suggest one or more other
options, ideas, modifications.
Seek a verbal agreement
If agreement, go to step 7
If no agreement go to step 6
(Intermission to calm down and rethink
things). Then go back to step 5.
7. Deal with anger issues
If needed, ask for and grant forgiveness.
Granted, not demanded
Process
Demonstrated with actions
#8. Review the conflict
Review alone
Review together