Caring Conversations :
How Parents and Adult Children
Can Plan for the Future
Jenny Inker, Executive Director
Chambrel at Williamsburg
Highlights
• What aging will mean to us & our society
• How to be a partner, not a parent
• How to start…and
continue…conversations
• Hoping for the best, planning for the worst
• Additional resources
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A professional and a personal
interest
• Trained Gerontologist (VCU – 2013)
• Executive Director of Chambrel at Williamsburg
• Adult daughter of aging parents
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We are ALL aging
• We are ALL aging from the moment we are
born…and growing and developing our whole
lives.
• However, our society fears aging and
misunderstands it.
• Younger people may mistakenly ‘infantalize’
older adults.
• Older adults may unwisely avoid thinking about
the future.
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Aging: What it will mean to our
society
• 30 million American households are caring for an older
relative. This number will DOUBLE over the next 25
years.
• Caregiving for an older relative will become as common
as childcare.
• Caregivers recently reported an average loss of income
of $555,443 due to the unanticipated consequences of
their caregiving responsibilities.
AARP (2012); MetLife Mature Marketplace (2012)
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There is parenting…and
partnering
• Adult children may become more involved with parents
as they age BUT roles do not reverse.
• Maintaining a sense of self-esteem and autonomy are
very important to older adults.
• Adult children need to be careful not to undermine
parents by assuming they are incompetent.
(Fingerman & Birditt, 2011)
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What parenting looks like
• Paternalism trumps autonomy.
OR
–Autonomy results in risky behavior.
• Negotiation is not necessary.
• You are handling a crisis which is
happening now.
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What parenting sounds like
• “I can’t get them to listen.”
• “They won’t take my advice, even though it’s for
their own good!”
• ”Why are they so stubborn – don’t they know what’s
good for them?”
• “Just leave me alone. I know what I am doing.”
• “No one can tell me what to do.”
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What partnering looks like
• You have a common goal and mutual
interest.
• Values are openly discussed – your
need for autonomy/their desire for
safety.
• You are planning for the FUTURE.
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What partnering sounds like
“I’d like to talk with you about what I want in
the future. Let’s start with what is most
important to me.”
“We’d like to talk with you about what we want
to do if we need more help one day.”
“I understand that this is hard to talk about. It
is upsetting for me too, but it’s important for us
to start thinking about the future.”
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So how do you have ‘the talk’?
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A conversation, not a ‘talk’
• This will be an on-going dialogue – a
conversation that can continue over time.
• Planning those conversations will help.
• Set the TEMPO:
Time
Experience
Motivation
Place, People
Outcome
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Make the time
• Younger people may be
easily distracted by
multiple priorities.
• Older people process
information more slowly.
• Don’t rush these
conversations or allow
distractions.
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Experience
• Try opening the conversational door by referring to someone
else’s experience. “My friend Jan recently talked with her kids
about what she will do when she can’t live alone anymore. I
thought it would be good for us to talk about this too.”
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Motivation
• Are you frustrated? Angry? Annoyed? Scared? This is not the
time to talk! You need to be in the right frame of mind when
you settle down to these conversations.
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Place and People
• Create or find a ‘safe’ space according to how you and your
adult children would define it. The Thanksgiving dinner table
is unlikely to be it! Who should be there? All siblings?
Others?
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Outcome
• Your goal is to establish an open, ongoing
conversation. It is not get an answer now.
• Think of yourself as laying the groundwork so that
your adult children can understand your feelings,
wishes and needs.
• “It’s ok if we talk about this more later. I just
wanted us to start thinking about how we would
handle some of these things.”
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Hope vs. a Plan
• Hope for the best and plan for the worst!
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Your conversations should include…
Your legal documents
• Where are your will, durable power of
attorney, healthcare power of attorney
(advance medical directive) and/or a living
will.
• Remember that people can’t honor your
wishes if they do not know what they are and
how to execute them.
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Your conversations should include
What happens when you need more help?
•
•
•
•
•
•
Will you want to stay at home?
Who will help you?
Do you expect family members to care for you?
Do they know this? Can they?
What happens if you can’t stay at home?
Have you visited senior living communities in your
area?
• How will the decision to move be handled?
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Your conversations should include
Your expectations of your adult children
• How much will they be able to/want to
assist you?
• Will that be financial, physical and/or
emotional assistance?
• How will siblings agree this and share it
out?
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Your conversations should include
Managing money
• Will you want help with this at some point or do
you want to do this on your own?
Long-term care insurance
• Do you have a policy? If so, where is it? What
does it cover? Are you keeping up with
premiums?
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Your conversations should include
When should you give up driving?
• What happens if you are not safe driving?
• What if you don’t agree about this?
• How will you get to doctors’ appointments?
The grocery store? Church?
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Your conversations may include
Your health
• This may be a very private area for you…but many
have found that it helps to have an ‘advocate’ in the
healthcare system.
• Do you have treatable conditions that are going untreated because you think they are ‘normal’ for
aging (depression, UTI)?
• Are you taking medications safely?
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Where can you go for more
information?
Some on-line resources that may help you:
•
AARP’s Prepare to Care Planning Guide for Families
www.aarp.org
•
www.SeniorNavigator.org – a one stop shop online
•
www.N4A.org – to find your local area Agency on
Aging and to understand the national and local aging
networks
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Where can you go for more
information?
The Center for Excellence in Aging and Lifelong Health
3901 Treyburn Drive, Williamsburg, Virginia
Tel 757-220-4751
www.excellenceinaging.org:
- Geriatric assessment clinic focusing on memory loss,
incontinence, fall risk, depression, medication issues
- Driver safety assessments, driver rehabilitation and driver
safety training
- Clinical trials
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Where can you go for more
information?
For support groups and educational events free and
open to the public contact:
Colonial Heritage Community Foundation (CHCF) at
www.chcfonline.org or contact Joan Bender at 757345-6974.
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Name of Presentation | Date of Presentation
Come see us to discover how senior
living can preserve your independence!
Chambrel at Williamsburg
3800 Treyburn Drive
Williamsburg, VA
23185
Tel 757-220-1839
www.chambrel.com
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Good Luck!
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!
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