Assertiveness
Assertiveness and Styles of
Behaviour
Assertive
•Respecting yourself and others
equally
•Standing up for what you
believe in & not damaging others
•Win win situations
•Being clear and blame free
Passive
•Always avoiding conflict
•Not asking for what you want
•Not saying ‘no’ when you want to
•Building up resentment
•Not speaking up ito your beliefs
Aggressive
•Aiming to get your own way at
all costs
•Showing a lack of respect
•Communicating by shouting,
swearing and other aggressive
speech
Indirectly Aggressive
•Sarcasm, shaming, put downs
•Sulking
•Silence v sorting out problem
•Looking for people to blame
•Not accepting responsibility
Why Don’t We Use Assertiveness?

The stress barrier


Most people feel less able to cope when the stress
response is activated
To cope with stress:
 You can deal with the situation itself e.g. by
being assertive
 You can re-evaluate your appraisal e.g. Are you
making too much of the situation? B=S+D
 Deal with the body itself – use a relaxation
technique
 Build stress related resistance (exercise, get
enough sleep, less coffee, improve work-life
balance etc)
3
Why Don’t We Use Assertiveness?

The social barrier

Others do not always appreciate assertiveness due
to
 history
 Don’t blame them
 control
 Expect resistance
 boundaries
 Expect it to get worse before it gets better
 gender
 Check you own barriers (e.g. I was raised to
be raised to be nice, you are not as important
as a man)
4
Why Don’t We Use Assertiveness?

The belief barrier



We react not to the ‘actual situation’ but on our
interpretation of events e.g. Regarding a pending
marriage:

“marriage is good for people”,

“all relationships in tears”,

“she will spend all her time with him now”
We develop beliefs:

by them being taught to us (e.g. you are stupid)

by example of others (e.g. fear of flying)

through experience (e.g. three divorces)
Becoming aware is the key to dismantling/altering
unhelpful behaviour
5
Assertion Skills:
Four Part Messages
In
future......
How do you
intend to move
forward
6
When ......
What actually
happened
ACTION
PLANNING
FACTS
ANALYSIS
FEELINGS
Because ....
I felt ......
What is the impact
How did it make
you feel
Assertion Skills:
Four Part Messages example

Describe the actual offending issue/ behaviour objectively

When you are frequently late for meetings..

Describe how it makes you feel primarily

I feel frustrated

Describe the consequences on your life

Because my time is wasted while I wait for you.

In future

I request that you let us know at least half an
hour in advance if you are likely to be late
7
Assertion Skills:
A 6 Step Process

Preparation: appropriate formulation, ongoing concern, base
of trust, likely to get needs met

Sending the Assertion Message: go directly to it, be aware of
your body language

Being Silent: expect defensiveness, enables solutions

Reflectively Listening to the Defensive Response: reduces
defensiveness, may change our stance, they may speak in
extremes

Recycling the Process: reassert multiple times, increase the
affect (tone, body..)

Focusing on the Solution: make sure it meets your needs,
paraphrase back, say thanks
Handling Defensive
Responses
Handling hostile responses

Accept that it may be work in progress

What’s there to lose?
Dealing with questions

Don’t answer questions when asserting. Reflectively
listen instead (e.g. converting it into a statement).
Sidestepping debates (apparently objectively)

Is a win/lose approach. Don’t engage. Reflect.
Coping with tears

Empathise but gently and firmly reassert.
Overcoming withdrawal

Provide silence. “I take your silence to mean…”
9
WHY DON’T WE USE
ASSERTIVENESS?

The stress barrier


Most people feel less able to cope when the stress
response is activated
To cope with stress:
 You can deal with the situation itself e.g. by
being assertive
 You can re-evaluate your appraisal e.g. Are you
making too much of the situation? B=S+D
 Deal with the body itself – use a relaxation
technique
 Build stress related resistance (exercise, get
enough sleep, less coffee, improve work-life
balance etc)
10
WHY DON’T WE USE
ASSERTIVENESS?

The social barrier

Others do not always appreciate assertiveness due
to
 history
 Don’t blame them
 control
 Expect resistance
 boundaries
 Expect it to get worse before it gets better
 gender
 Check you own barriers (e.g. I was raised to
be raised to be nice, you are not as important
as a man)
11
WHY DON’T WE USE
ASSERTIVENESS?

The belief barrier



We react not to the ‘actual situation’ but on our
interpretation of events e.g. Regarding a pending
marriage:

“marriage is good for people”,

“all relationships in tears”,

“she will spend all her time with him now”
We develop beliefs:

by them being taught to us (e.g. you are stupid)

by example of others (e.g. fear of flying)

through experience (e.g. three divorces)
Becoming aware is the key to dismantling/altering
unhelpful behaviour
12