8. IDEAL DEVELOPMENT
a. Kids grow up by being who they are. Parents set firm
but kind limits.
b. In an ideal world, parents have come to terms with
their own scarring. (Similar to Alice Miller --when we
haven't healed our own stuff, we are not able to love
kids as they are. If parents have done that, it creates a
world where the child is safe, recognizes and trusts
feelings, can make mistakes and learn for them, and be
loved even when they blow it.
c. CHILD'S OWN SENSE OF VALUES. In such an
environment, kids develop their own sense of values
and learn what they really care about.
d. RESPONSIBILITY. In healthy development, we each
develop a strong sense of responsibility.
e. End result of healthy development: Being
wholehearted, healthy, "Being captain of one's own
ship."
9. CONFLICT
a. Children need to learn to deal with conflict. Horney
thought parents need a degree of healthy friction. Didn't
see conflict as bad. The child can learn to deal with it by
watching parents.
b. Also, conflicts between parents and children. Mom
and brother want you to do things, there is a TV show
when there's homework to do, etc. So parents have to
be kind but firm.
15. NEUROSIS AND GROWTH
a. The good news from Horney is that we NEVER LOSE
TOUCH WITH THE TRUE SELF, no matter how weird as
kids. Another way to view neurosis is as an attempt at
growth in very difficult circumstances.
b. But unfortunately, WHEN OUR ENERGY IS WRAPPED
UP IN PROTECTION AND IMAGE, IT'S NOT AVAILABLE
FOR GROWTH.
c. The protection is never enough. So we develop other
protections.
(1) We develop blind spots. Don't see what we're doing
(2) Tendency to see conflicts as "out there" rather than
"in here". Detached type will bemoan all the aggressive,
feeling-driven people out there.
16. LATER STAGES OF NEUROSIS, characterized by
a. EXCESSIVE SELF-CONTROL (because I can't afford to
feel my real feelings)
b. A lot of CYNICISM, especially in detached-aggressive
types.
c. FEAR-- of going crazy, of being seen for the louse I
really am, of being found out, etc. Because part of the
person knows their image isn't really who they are.
d. FEAR OF CHANGE. (If I move one more brick out of
place, the whole edifice could crumble).
e. SADISTIC TRENDS. Living at the expense of other
people. A distorted kind of trying to be OK. So hopeless
about their own lives that they turn this outward against
others.
- Straightforward with aggressive types
- Compliant types sort of insinuate their way into your
lifeand kill you with kindness. Convince you that they
can't live without you. A kind of sadism.
Neurosis is a central lie, and then I have to do a whole
lot of stuff to protect the illusion.
19. THERAPY
1. Create an alliance in which I as the therapist value
you as you are and as you're struggling.
2. Tries to examine in detail with the client the
unconscious attempts at solution and safety, as a
searchlight on what form their search for safety has
taken. Also what it costs them. Neurosis costs a lot.
3. Obviously part of the person will labeled in doing this.
She labels this "protection" rather than "resistance".
(This I can buy)
4. Brain work. Through feelings and dreams the person
attempts to recover the true self. The person's energy or
attention shifts from protection, to the dismantling of
protection, reconnection with the true self which is
intrinsically satisfying.
Horney noticed that as this happens, part of the self still
wants to go back. "Repercussions." This is labelled as
attempts at safety.
5. The person uncovers allies.
6. Dreams show that despite neurotic structure, the
person attempts to live what's true. Dreams and feelings
can lead you from your idealized self back to your true
self and then you can get on with your life.