Psychology of Personal Effectiveness
All You Need To Know About How
To Live Happily & Effectively
Timothy W. Starkey, Ph.D., ABAP
Miami Dade College
Psy CLP1006
Hialeah Campus
Room 1214
M/W/F
8:00-10:15 AM
May 7- June 16 (2007)
305-279-0758 (Home)
or
305-338-1615 (Cell)
Chapter 10. Communication Skills
Hours 1:00 to 5:00 PM
On Mondays & Wednesdays
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Midterm Exams
• Frankly, the grades weren’t quite as good as I’d expected them to be.
• Most of you thought the exam was “easy” and I tend to agree with you. The
“objective” questions were either right or wrong, but I tried to give you the
benefit of the doubt and grade the SAQs very leniently.
• The class average as 73.8%
• The high grade was 95% and the Low grade was 53%
• “As” were from 85% up; “Bs” were from 70% to 84%; “Cs” were from 58%
to 69%; “Ds” were scores less than 58%.
• There were 3 “As”, 2 “Bs”, 3 “Cs”, and 2 “Ds”. There were no “Fs”.
• My general impression was that too many of you didn’t do enough studying
for this exam, especially the SAQs. Anybody who got less than 25 points (out
of the 32 possible) simply didn’t study the SAQs enough.
• Any questions about the exam?
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WWW.FACTS.ORG
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Go to WWW .FACTS .ORG
Select “Career Planning”
Select “Career Portfolio for College Students”
Choose the “Tutorial” if you need a little help getting started; choose
“Create/Edit” if you want to plunge right in.
• Don’t spend a lot of time on it: just do it and print it out.
• It’s worth 10% of your final grade; if it looks like you put even a little
effort into it, it will receive a 9 or a 10 for sure.
• Don’t forget to hand it in on time; this is an easy 10 points… don’t
mess it up by being late!
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How To Be A Good Conversationalist
• Keep your message interesting ~ avoid rattling on too long
• Show your sense of humor ~ even laugh at yourself if you get
the chance
• Show an interest in the other person ~ ask questions
• Avoid monopolizing the conversation ~ don’t interrupt
• Stay focused on the topic at hand ~ avoid tangents
• Offer sincere compliments when appropriate ~ although
insincere ones usually work pretty well too
• Avoid annoying mannerisms, like fidgeting or saying “dude”
12,000 times
• Talk fairly rapidly ~ don’t drag it out too much or your audience
will go to sleep on you
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Making A Good First Impression for A Job Interview
• Stay away from controversial subjects (e.g. politics, religion)
• Jokes are OK, but don’t tell one that could offend anyone
• Face the interviewer squarely, lean forward, stand upright, and
keep good eye contact
• Keep you arms open, don’t touch your face, and resist shifting
your weight back and forth between your legs
• Pay attention to what the interviewer is telling you
• Study up on the company the night before you go for the interview
• Be prepared to answer “why should I hire you?” and “what can
you add to our company?”
• Thank the interviewer for his time, shake hands on your way out,
and ask when you might hear whether you’ve been hired or not
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Assertiveness Skills
• Self assertion involves standing up for your personal rights and
expressing your ideas, needs, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest,
and appropriate ways without violating other people’s rights.
• When you’re being “self assertive”, the basic message that you’re
communicating is “this is what I think, this is what I believe, this is
what I feel, this is how I view the situation”
• This is said without dominating, degrading, or humiliating other
people.
• Assertion involves respect for others, but not deference.
• Deference is acting in a subservient manner as though the other
person is right just because they’re in a higher position, wealthier,
more powerful etc. than you.
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Evolution at Work on the Fairways
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Differences Between Passivity,
Aggressiveness, and Assertion
• Passivity involves violating your own rights by failing to express
honest feelings, needs, thoughts, and beliefs (and thereby
allowing other people to take advantage of you).
• Aggression involves directly standing up for your personal rights
and expressing your thoughts, feelings, needs, and beliefs too, but
in ways that can be inappropriate or insulting. Aggression is often
used in family disputes as a means of intimidating other family
members into doing without protest whatever is demanded (just
ask any woman who has gone out with or been married to
someone who is aggressive toward women).
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• Assertiveness, passivity, and aggression can be thought of as
different points on the same continuum or scale. Passivity and
aggression are the endpoints; assertiveness is the midpoint.
• Sometimes an individual is aggressive in some situations, but
passive in others. Perceived weakness brings out the bully in
them, while perceived strength brings out passivity.
• Another form of aggression is “passive-aggression”; this is an
indirect type of aggression that masquerades as compliance but is
really intended to resist or sabotage. For example, a new boss
comes in a belittling and insulting way to his employees, and
before long production goes down, company office supplies start
disappearing by the truckload, and the company “rumor mill”
starts spreading malicious gossip about the boss.
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Why Some People Don’t Act Assertively
• Fear of loss of approval from others or of getting an angry response
• Failing to distinguish between assertiveness and aggression ~ this is
particularly a problem for women in our culture, because they are
so often brought up to inhibit self expression (e.g. we give women
the double message that they “should be strong and stand up for
themselves”, and then we call them “too mannish or bitchy”).
• Mistaking nonassertion (passiveness) for politeness and
consideration
• Mistaking passivity for being helpful because you believe
“agreeing” (when you really don’t) will help the other person or the
team
• Aggression is often an outgrowth of earlier feelings of
powerlessness, hence a person behaves aggressively in order not to
be too easily controlled or manipulated.
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Speaking of Aggression…
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• Sometimes people have a maladaptive belief that aggression is
justified and this is only way they can get through to people.
• Aggressive outbursts sometimes result from feelings of anger or
hurt that have built up to a boiling point over a long time. This can
especially happen if a person fails to express himself with
appropriate assertiveness before the feelings reach the flash point.
• Failure to accept your personal rights is another cause of not acting
assertively when it is called for.
• At what times do you become assertive, and at what other times do
you become passive or aggressive?
• How many of you have become “passive-aggressive” in response
to someone else’s controlling or bossy behavior?
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Assertive Bill of Rights
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It’s Role Play Time!
• Three months ago Person A loaned Person B $500 to help him
through a period of unemployment. Six weeks ago, Person B got
a good job with very good pay. So far, though, Person B hasn’t
repaid a dime of the money, and avoids the subject in
conversation. How is Person A going to get his money back?
• Person A and Person B both work for the same boss doing similar
work. Person A is often asked to do extra projects, even if it takes
up his weekend, because the boss says “you’re better at
numbers”. Person A didn’t complain because he felt that when
raises were given in a few months, he would be rewarded for his
hard work and loyalty. Person B has been spending his weekends
dating the boss’ rather homely daughter. When the raises came
out, Person B got the big raise, and Person A was advised to “try a
little harder next time!” What should Person A say to whom?
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Differentiating Communication Styles
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Ways To Avoid Being Manipulated Into Buying
Something You Don’t Want and Don’t Need
• Remember: you always have the right to say “no”. It is not your
job or your duty to always please other people in your life
(especially salespeople)
• Beware the “low ball technique”. If you don’t want to buy it by
the time the salesperson has added in all the extra unexpected
fees, then DON’T. Just stop talking and start walking out of
there, and don’t look back.
• Just because an item is “scarce” or at a low price, it isn’t
necessarily a good buy… especially if you don’t really need it.
• Don’t fall for the “door in the face” technique, where the person
soliciting starts out by making a huge request, and then “settles”
for a smaller amount. Don’t give ‘em one thin dime!
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• Don’t be a sucker for the overly friendly salesperson who makes
you feel like you and he are long lost buddies, and then puts the
bite on you to buy his most expensive item.
• Don’t fall for the “and that’s not all” technique. Television
marketers have refined this one into a comedy form that’s often
very funny. But the bottom line is that if you don’t need or want
the thing in the first place, you don’t want or need it with all the
junk he’s piling on top.
• Finally, it has been said “ a fool and his money are soon parted”.
The mystery is how they ever got together in the first place.
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End of Chapter 10
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