hecol midterm 3

The partner understands core aspects of his/her self (partner gets me)

The partner validates and respects these core aspects of self (validates me)

Partner cares for and is concerned for individuals welfare (care for me)

- A discloses something

- B responds to A (emotional and behavioural response)

- A reacts to B's response (understood, validated, cared for?)

disclosing too much info at once or too soon

dishonest disclosures

factual (not as potent for development of intimacy) and emotional disclosures (create intimacy faster)

Increased self-disclosure predicted greater partner responsiveness and feelings of closeness

gather data on people repeatedly on a daily basis 

Disclose more about their day = feel better and closer to their partner

Listen to initial disclosure (actively) (key response) (active listening: understand the surface level content & make deeper underlying meanings)

Understand the meaning, both surface level and potentially deeper, subtle meanings (“My mom really pissed me off again today.” “That’s been happening a lot lately. Have you always hadtrouble getting along with your parents?”)

Enact a sensitive response (key) (Clarifying questions that allow the partner to expand on their thoughts)

Know when to transition to a different topic

interpretive filters

- lenses through which individuals perceive and make sense of information and experiences. These filters are shaped by various factors, including cultural background, personal experiences, beliefs, and values.

- In communication and interpersonal interactions, people often use interpretive filters to process and understand the messages they receive. These filters can influence how information is interpreted, leading to differences in perception and understanding among individuals.

Distractions

Emotional States (good mood vs bad mood)

Beliefs and Expectations (We can often find what we expect in people...)

differences in style (Influenced by culture, family of origin, etc.)

self protection (Motivated by fear of rejection so you don’t say what you really want to say (pull back and don’t say what we want to say))

The key is to learn your and your partners’ filters (awareness) and adjust communication (accommodation)

- Being a good listener precedes the ability to effectively communicate (Often, if we listen well, difficulty communicating is not an issue)

- listening involves nonverbal and verbal

- active listening

accurately interpreting information and communicating that you accurately interpreted the information

Facial expression

Eye contact

Body movement

Touch

Interpersonal distance

Closer signifies more intimate relationship, typically

Paralanguage – vocal tone, rhythm, rate, pitch, volume, etc.

- non verbal (Let the speaker finish without interrupting, Concentrate on what they are saying – stay in the present moment, Eye Contact, open posture, leaning slightly forward, using gestures to convey interest)

- verbal (Ask open-ended orclarifying questions, Use paraphrasing (reflect back what you hear in a genuine manner), Listen for the purpose of understanding = do not rebut)

learning how to listen

Brought into a lab and communicated with partners = coderes watching

Observer of P2 and Observer of P2

After conversation couples separated and asked about their behavior (self report from P1 and P2) and asked about partners behavior (partner report from P1 and P2)

Self report did not predict observational data

What they said their partner did mapped closer onto their own behavior

Maybe we don’t see reality for what it actually is (perceptions when emotional can really be skewed)

- speaker: Speak for yourself. Don’t mind read!, Don’t go on and on, Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

- listener: Paraphrase what you hear, Don’t rebut. Focus on what the speaker is saying

- both: The speaker has the floor, Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases, Share the floor

Very awkward and unnatural!

However, research shows that “natural” couple communication might not be so great in tough situations.

This tends to work because it is unnatural and forces both people to slow down and pay attention to the process.

Unnatural part of it is why it works (have to pull back and remember the rules, it’s structured = helps slow down)

Works but people don’t use it 

Can be useful bc it puts the focus on the other person instead of me (what is her position? Focus on her = understand her position) (helps you slow down)

- flooding, mind reading, defensiveness, frequency hopping, yes-butting, belligerence

bringing up absolutely everything you can think of when having a discussion

“I know what you are going to say...”

concentrate on defending yourself rather than on what the other person is saying

from topic to topic so quick that no resolution is possible

not understanding, only defending

“What are you going to do about it?”

• Capitalization 

• Forgiveness

• Self-expansion 

• Support

The sharing of positive events in one’s life

Powerful because (Allows us to relive the event, See others are pleased with us, Connects the positive event to the relationship)

Communicating personal positive events to close others boost well-being beyond the impact of the event itself, but response of partner is key

Responding in an active-constructive manner is associated with positive effects to occur from capitalization

- “Wow, this is amazing! I am so proud of you and knew that you had it in you! Let’s go celebrate, this is so wonderful.”

Inevitably, we will hurt or let down our partners in some way

Forgiveness is a powerful process

Quite difficult because victims tend to exaggerate and offenders tend to minimize

- Therefore, the victim must “cancel a debt that is larger than the one the perpetrator acknowledges” (let go of hurt)

When forgiveness is not present, partners become excellent accountants of each other’s faults

- Score-keeping (grudges)

Motivation, on an intrapersonal level: The wronged partner wants to be kind to the other person, rather than feel anger and a thirst for vengeance.

Behavior, on an interpersonal level: The wronged partner lets the other know he or she no longer feels anger or a thirst for vengeance.

- Both ingredients need to be present for full forgiveness.

silent forgivenes

hollow forgiveness

let it go (intrapersonal), partner is not mad another partner (interpersonal) (have to have both inter and intra)

The transgression was minor.

The victim has empathy, agreeableness, and a low level of neuroticism.

The transgressor sincerely apologizes.

The relationship contains a high level of commitment and satisfaction. (happy relationships)

forgiving partner for bad behavior encourages them to do it again?

Studies suggest that spouses who are less forgiving (more anger, criticism, and rejection toward the offender) are less likely to re-experience the offense

More negative partner behavior: more forgiveness = less satisfaction

Less negative partner behavior: less forgiveness (can't let it go) = big drop

More negative partner behavior: less forgiveness

- As people learn about each other, they gain knowledge and resources, expanding their sense of self

Self-expansion adds to relationship satisfaction.

Once people know each other well, it is difficult to maintain self-expansion.

Engaging in new and novel activities with one’s partner can foster self-expansion.

A healthy sex life

Sexual satisfaction

bidirectional association

sexual satisfaction predicts relationship satisfaction but not vice versa

sexual desire

Natural part of aging, particularly for men

Frequency/satisfaction peaks in the first year of apartnership and declines thereafter

40% of Canadian women report low sexual desire in the past 6 months

weekly

- men

- women

Marriage

Children 

less

more

has had less past sexual partners (peaks at 2-3)

sexual and relationship satisfaction

weekly or more shows higher relationship satisfaction but doesn't make it much higher

Exception, mutual masturbation and oral sex 

Variety in one’s sexual repertoire is key

men and women

• Responsiveness

• Couples with good communication report higher sexual satisfaction and frequency

why:

Communication allows us to experience intimacy with a partner (or not)

Those couples with better communication are more able to take advantage of opportunities for sex because they feel close to their partner already

• Swinging – committed couples temporarily involving other people in their sex lives

• Open relationship – explicit agreement among committed partners to pursue relationships with other people

• Polyamory – ongoing consensual emotional and sexual relationship with multiple people

• Strengthens partnerships

Biologically throughvasopressin and oxytocin

Boosts relationship satisfaction for 3 days following sex (sexual afterglow)

• Offset vulnerabilities (Neuroticism And Anxious attachment)

• Improves health

Charts from research show there is an ongoing decline of sexual interaction. Close to like the Flynn effect. 

• Time

• Housework (maybe)

• Pornography (Cons)

Unrealistic expectations applied to partner

Reduce commitment

• Perceive more alternatives 

Impacts beliefs about whatis acceptable

Sexual violence 

Extradyadic sex (outside relationship)

things you do and your partner is aware of it: "You are clearly stressed, I'll do the dishes for you."

things you do OUTSIDE the partner's awareness. For example, doing the dishes while your partner is studying and not mentioning it. The partner receives the benefit of not having to do chores while stressed, but doesn't know you did it for them because you thought they were struggling.

- Conflict = Competing goals

Conflict is inevitable. Inevitably, each partner in a relationship, at some point, will have different goals (e.g., wanting to see different movies, wanting to spend the holidays in different places). (want dif things)

More likely when people are highly interdependent and have frequent contact

The presence of conflict does not indicate the quality of your relationship

It could indicate that relationship is getting serious

children

100 couples with children

End of every day a question on phone “did you have a disagreement in any of the following areas = click which areas they had a conflict in = 748 conflicts in 2 weeks (average = conflict every other day) 

Conflict is common

Couples have conflict about everything

Couples were in agreement about conflict

#1 conflict is conflict about children

Watch them doing it (emotions get heated = people can’t accurately report what happened in their conflict)

Most common prompt for observational studies is “think about a conflict of moderate intensity and talk about it = try to work through it)

A major pioneer of this work is John Gottman (math to couple relations, watch couples behavior to understand how couples interact)

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling

Unhappy partners engage in more negative behavior and less positive behavior. (This negative behavior is accompanied by negative affect. (interrupted one another with an angry tone))

Unhappy couple’s interactions are highly predictable (Engage in negative reciprocity , More predictable than happy couples, One partner criticizes the other, the other jumps in and criticizes back, Happy couples were able to pull back after criticism)

Unhappy couples get stuck in cycles of negative reciprocity (Happy couples get out of these patterns much quicker, Happy couples are able to prevent it in the first place and realize that they need to pull back out of that)

One partner wants a change and pushes the other for discussion on the topic; the other partner does not respond (puls back and withdraws)

women

unhappy relationships

2 women: both likely to demand

2 men: more likely to pull back

only when it’s on their topic (they’re just less likely to bring up these topics than women)

Happy couples tend to view each other’s behaviors in a more positive light than unhappy couples do.

Tend to see their partner in light of the glass being half-full

Give each other the benefit of the doubt

Interpret bad behavior of partner positively in a good relationship (more likely to think they had a bad day = cut them some slack)

Unhappy couples tend to be vigilant for negative behaviors and tend to respond in kind.

If you look for the negative behaviors, you most likely will find them. 

Bad relationship = unhappy = on  the lookout for their partner to be unhappy = they will behave the same way in response (partner is rude = you’re rude back)

Couples who handle conflict poorly

But only when humor, interest, and affection are relatively rare 

Positive emotion can override the effects of negative content/skills during conflict

Emotional tone in conflict matters

Direct

- Directly saying to partner “we need to talk about this” = fair well = higher likelihood of solving problems

Negative conflict resolution strategies (hostility, anger)

Couples into lab = blood out during task = had couples engage in conflict discussion (moderate intensity) = blood samples during intervals = analyze for epinephrine = followed up with couples 10 yrs later = some couples were happy/unhappy/divorced = went back to data 

started calm (no rush of adrelalyne) = conflict started (adren increased) = maintained in mid conflict = end of conflict (decreased) = 15 mins after conflict (started to decrease) = got to a place where they resolved some things

started on edge (high adren) = high adren throughout conflict = adren went down 15 mins after

started high = stayed high = nothing was resolved = ended conflict with high adren = 15 mins later with higher adren than when they started

When you feel yourself getting worked up (fight or flight) = you won’t be able to resolve conflict or make progress in conflicts

Have to physiologically calm down

When you become too physiologically aroused (heartbeat over 100 beats per minute = too worked up) it is time for a break (try to calm down physiologically)

You need at least 30 minutes of focused relaxation in order to return to a calm state.

Soothe yourself: relaxation techniques, listen to soft music, yoga, etc.

Disengage from the conflict, do not ruminate over it

People don't like to disengage bc they think it wont get brought up again = should talk to partner and ask when to talk about it again after a break is taken (set alarm so it doesn’t just get dismissed)

• Start with Problem Talk before moving to Problem Solving

Identify exactly what the problem is 

You may be angry that your partner left a sink full of dishes, but the actual problem may be broader

Your partner may not be contributing enough around the house and you feel disrespected by being treated like the maid

Speaker-Listener technique helps unearth the broader issue 

Perpetual Problems - these are differences that will always be present and you will deal with over and over again (69% of all problems) (One partner wants sex more frequently, One partner doesn’t do his or her share of chores, Differences in religious beliefs, Different parenting styles)

Solvable Problems – things that pop up throughout relationships that are able to have a resolution.

Soften Your Startup (start of well) (don’t start with an explosion) (make a complaint but leave off the criticism of your partner, focus on yourself) 

In both good and bad relationships, women tend to bring up issues far more often than men do.

87% of the time

Softening your startup is essential because conflictstypically end the same way they began!

So, you have a lot of power in simply being very intentional about the way that you initiate problem solving

Start problem solving when there is a high likelihood of doing it well

When well rested and calm

NEVER during or after drinking

These are the equivalents to putting the brakes on when things start heading the direction you don’t want.

Put the brakes on it, regroup and try again = avoid disaster bc you can reorient the direction the convo is going

• Works more often in happy relationships.

• Use them when emotions start to escalate.

“Wow. That came out really wrong.”

“Can I take that back.”

“I really blew that one. I am so sorry.”

• If these don’t work and things escalate, take that time-out. 

If repair attempts fail = take a time out (break and come back later)

infidelity

The violation of a shared agreement between (two) people to share their emotional and sexual lives with each other exclusively

Most people agree that intercourse or oral sex or behaviors that lead to that (shower together) would be infidelity

Sexting, dating profile, browsing other peoples dating profiles sometimes = cheating (pretty severe)

Having close emotional support from another potential partner/movies in the dark/sharing secrets = unfaithful but not as severe

porn/masturbating alone/finding someone else attractive (some people think thats cheating but not that bad)

Very difficult topic to study (reviled socially = people wouldn’t be honest)

Estimates vary from study to study, but it is safe to conclude infidelity is not rare

Perhaps because there is a genetic basis, half of the variation in infidelity explained by genes (need more thrill? To get more feel good = more risks) (not impressive = not deterministic (thrill doesn't mean they’re gonna cheat))

Results from 50 studies and 90,0000 respondents suggest about 25-30% of people report EVER having been unfaithful

• Hurt, betrayal, shock, rage, shame.... (when experiencing = feel a mix of emotions)

Myriad of emotions

Anger is more common with sexual infidelity and sadness more common with emotional

The impact is reduced if the offender freely confesses rather than being caught (caught = worse)

Men are more upset by sexual infidelity

Women are more upset by emotional infidelity 

Evolutionary basis for this pattern

- Once someone has cheated, their odds are more than two times greater they will cheat again (over 200% higher = whether they stay in relationship or start new relationship)

- need professional treatment

• Step 1: Crisis Control 

Don’t make it worse

Don’t punish (contain anger/negativity & try to limit damage)

• Step 2: Understand how it happen

Both partners have to take responsibility for their role

Ultimate responsibility is on person who did it but partner had a role in it in some way

Empower victim?

Most damaging long term is the victim carries it through their lives?

• Step 3: Determine whether the partnership will continue of not

Both people gaining perspective so that they can make a fully informed decision on relationship?

men

equal rates between men and women but maybe women perpetrate more?

Has the goal of controlling and intimidating the partner

Most commonly engaged in by males against females

Best predicted by personality traits and background of the aggressor:

- People who use coercive controlling violence in one relationship are likely to engage in it in other relationships.

The victim may ultimately engage in violent resistance.

resisting or opposing violence. It can take various forms, such as advocating for nonviolent solutions to conflicts, engaging in peaceful protests, or promoting social and systemic changes to reduce the prevalence of violence.

Conflict interaction that gets out of hand and turns physical

Males and females equally likely to engage in it: 

situational factors, rather than personality.

People may engage in situational couple violence in one romanticrelationship but not in others.

Being victimized and alcohol are the biggest indicators

intimate partner violence