INS Feedback E11 April 2105
Step 1:
Review what is written and write Q1, Q2, Q3, Q4, Q5 above the answers
One incident only per paragraph
Check that there are phrases that clearly indicate the question (stems); if I cannot tell which question
you are answering, communication decreases. Remember this is a long piece and the transitions are
what will keep your reader on track; it is an organizational challenge; use parallel structure to your
advantage.
Exercise for homework: http://www.srjcwritingcenter.com/clearsentcs/parallel/parallel.html
DTS - Topic sentence connection
At the beginning of the story, protagonist Ned Stark is given an offer he is incapable of refusing. The
great Robert Baratheon makes Ned Stark the Hand of the king, and reluctantly he accepts.
In the novel, The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, protagonist Jay
Gatsby experiences three critical moments of internal and external
conflict: When he thought he was so destitute that he changed his
name and went away from home, when he thinks he is not good
enough for Daisy, so that he want to cheat her, and when he quarrel
with Tom.
 Tense consistency
 Parallelism
 Complex list
In the novel, The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, protagonist Jay
Gatsby experiences three critical moments of internal and external
conflict: when he thinks he is so destitute that he changes his name and
goes away from home; when he thinks he is not good enough for Daisy,
so that he wants to cheat her; and when he quarrels with Tom.
Near the beginning of the story, the narrator recalled Gatsby’s
words about his previous life experience and his family background.
Here, the character is interesting …
The first critical conflict occurs when Gatsby consciously decides
to change who he is by changing his name: “He changed it at the age of
seventeen, and at the specific moment that witnessed the beginning of
his career – when he saw Dan Cody’s yacht drop anchor over the
insidious flat on Lake Superior” (Fitzgerald 128). Gatsby is so unhappy
with his impoverished life that he makes a complete break with his
past, even to the extent of changing his name; he wants a life of luxury
and this is his first step towards it.
_________________________________________________________
In John Green’s novel, Looking for Alaska, protagonist Pudge faces
three critical moments of conflict: when Pudge decides to go to Culver
Creek Boarding School to find a “great perhaps,” when Pudge falls in
love with Alaska Young the moment he lays eyes on her and when he
wakes up to find out Alaska was in a car accident.
Near the beginning of the story, Pudge is feeling the need for a
fresh start as he is not satisfied with his life: “That’s why I am going. So I
don’t have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps (Green
4).” His decision to leave for boarding school makes for an extreme life
change.
Yes: author, title, character all named in DTS; written in present tense;
gets right to the quotation that shows the conflict
 Add a transition phrase to match DTS: The first critical moment of
conflict for Pudge occurs near the beginning of the story when…
 Zoom in on the conflict itself, not just the decision. What was the
conflict within the character; what is he worried about?
Next BP
A second critical moment of conflict occurs for Pudge when…
Next BP
A third and final moment of critical internal and external moment of
conflict occurs for Pudge when he…
and particularly impressive; however, he is believable, and he is
relevant in terms of world events and personal experience. When he
told about his impoverished family background and his personal
experience about how he changed his name to the narrator. The
character is interesting in this scene because, when the narrator
introduced about Gatsby that “James Gatz – that was really, or at least
legally, his name. He changed it at the age of seventeen and at the
specific moment that witnessed the beginning of his career – when he
saw Dan Cody’s yacht drop anchor over the insidious flat on Lake
Superior. (Fitzgerald 128)” he began to invite the readers interest and
his motivation seem fascinating, especially when reader realized “I
suppose he’s had the name ready for a long time, even then.
State quote clarify
At the beginning of the story, Katniss shows how she cares about
others. While Prim’s name was called, she was shocked “trying to
remember how to breathe, unable to speak, totally stunned as the
name bounces around the inside of my skull (Collins 21).” she cares
about her sister so much that she can even feel the name bounced
around the inside of her skull.
At the beginning of the story, Katniss shows how she cares about
others. While Prim’s name is called, she was shocked, “trying to
remember how to breathe, unable to speak, totally stunned as the
name bounces around the inside of [her] skull” (Collins 21). She cares
about her sister so much that she can even feel the name bounce
around the inside of her skull.
No hanging quotations
“I volunteer as tribute! (Collins 22)” she said that without hesitation,
even when she knows how cruel the game is; even when she knows she
might die in the game.
Not only is she shocked when she hears Prim’s name, but she also takes
action: “I volunteer as tribute!” she says without hesitation, even when
she knows how cruel the game is. This further shows how much she
cares about others, especially her sister, Prim; Katniss knows she
herself might die in the game.