BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! I
LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY…
Topic: A genie has offered to grant your main
character one wish. Unexpectedly, the wish
has some negative consequences for the main
character and/or other characters.
© Mauri Fava 2013
Audience
2



Elementary through middle school
Keep language and theme
appropriate for this audience.
While there can be action, violence
cannot be graphic.
Purpose
3


Your story should entertain but also
deliver an important message.
There is a lesson to be learned from
this story.
Task: Write a ten-paragraph short story
and be sure to include:
4
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Dynamic Character: main character who makes the wish
and changes from the experience.
Static Character: genie who offers the wish.
Clear and consistent point of view: first or third person is
acceptable.
Conflict: what are the negative effects of the wish?
Resolution: how is the conflict resolved? It doesn’t have to
be a happy ending!
Dialogue: this should provide information about
characters and events
Imagery that appeals to the senses: simile, metaphor,
hyperbole, personification, alliteration, onomatopoeia
BRAINSTORM
What are the features of a good short
story?
6
Character: develop a character who the reader can identify with
and be interested in.
Setting: Use imagery to create a strong sense of place and
atmosphere.
Plot: Construct a series of events that include a strong conflict, a
suspenseful rising action, an exciting climax, and a thoughtful
resolution.
Theme: Give the story a sense of purpose and meaning.
Dialogue: Use dialogue to convey information about the
characters and to forward the plot
Point of View: Select the appropriate point of view for your tale.
First person is more intimate but third person is more objective.
What genre will you select for your
story?
7
Science Fiction
Fantasy
Horror
Mystery
Realistic Fiction
Historical Fiction
Romance
Humor
What conflict will you create?
Think Pair Share: What can go wrong?
8

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A lonely young girl wishes to be
wanted.

An overweight girl who is bullied
wishes to be thin.

A boy whose dog has died wishes to
have the pet back.

An unemployed man about to lose his
house wishes for a million bucks.

A young teenage boy wishes he could
have all the chicks.
A singer wishes to become famous.


A child who is fascinated with
dinosaurs wished they still roamed
the earth.
A teen girl wishes her parents would
leave her alone.
A clumsy teen wishes to become
varsity quarterback.
A video addict wishes to become
part of his game.
A young boy with a scientific mind
wishes to visit the future.
A teenage girl wishes she didn’t have
an annoying little brother.
Character+Wish+Consequence
Brainstorm and Share
9

Create a one sentence story
premise that includes a wish and
what goes wrong.
Main Character
10
Who makes the wish?
 What does he or she learn from
the conflict?
 Create a focused character
description that includes only
details relevant to the story.

Guess the wish:
11
Age: 16
Gender: male
Personality trait: insecure
Physical features: short and underweight
Relevant hobbies/interests: basketball
Place in the world: no one respects him
Wish:
To be tall enough to play varsity basketball!
Guess the wish:
12
Age: 75
Gender: female
Personality trait: lonely
Physical features: gray hair, walks with a cane
Relevant hobbies/interests: reading romances
Place in the world: depressed and alone after husband
died and longing for the energy, beauty, and
attention of her youth
Wish:
To be young again!
Who makes this wish? Who is your
main character?
13
Age:
Gender:
Personality:
Physical features:
Relevant hobbies/interests:
Place in the world:
Which point of view will you select
for your story?
14

First person (the “I” voice):


Narrator is one of the characters in the story. We only learn this
narrator’s thoughts and feelings about events. The narration is not
objective and or always reliable, but readers tend to identify more
with this character.
Third person (the “he/she/it” voice):
Omniscient: mystery narrator knows everything and can offer
insight into the thoughts and feelings of all characters.
 Limited: narrator knows everything about one character.


Objective (the “he/she/it” voice):

Narration is limited to describing events and provides no insight
into the thoughts and feelings of characters.
First Person
15
I was so angry at Mom that day. It wasn’t
the first time that I had to sit at home, watching
some lame T.V. show with my little brother, while
all of my friends went to a party. I felt like Mom
was never going to let me grow up. I was
desperate for just a little freedom. Well, I got a
lot more than I bargained for.
Third Person
16
Charlie Robbins loved his video games. He
played every day after school. On the
weekends, he played as much as his mom would
allow. Mario Super Smash Brothers was his
favorite. He loved Mario and sometimes
wondered what it would be like to hang out with
him. So imagine Charlie’s surprise when one day
Mario popped out of the television screen and
said, “What’s up, Dude?
PLOT ELEMENTS
Mini-lesson
Plot
18
Climax
Rising Action
Falling Action
Resolution
Exposition
Exposition
19
The beginning of the narrative which
introduces characters, setting, and conflict.
These quotes are taken from famous
expositions. Can you identify them?


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a
locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings at a single
bound! Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!
It's…
Rising Action
20
The conflict is revealed and developed.
The rising action in “Little Red Riding Hood”
includes:
1. Girl meets wolf
2. Wolf eats Grandmother
3. Wolf disguises himself as Grandmother
4. Red visits Grandmother (who is now really the
wolf)
5. Red questions Grandmother who now
appears oddly different
What is the rising action of “Cinderella”?
Climax
21
The moment of great suspense or the turning
point.
EXAMPLE: In the movie, Jaws, Chief Brody
blows up the shark!
What is the climax of your favorite movie?
Falling Action
22
The series of events which take place after the climax
and lead to the conclusion. The suspense begins to
lessen.
Example: In the climax of the novel and movie, Hunger
Games, Katniss and Peeta are announced as survivors of
the game. During the falling action, the two are collected
by a hovercraft from the arena and hospitalized for their
countless wounds. After several days of recovering, the
pair are interviewed, and sent on the Victory Tour to visit
all the districts.
Resolution
23
The part of the plot where the conflict is over and
the loose ends are all tied up.
Example: In “The Three Little Pigs,” the wolf is
killed and the pigs live happily ever after.
If you could rewrite a resolution, which book or
film would you choose and how would you end it?
Suggested Plot Chart
EXPOSITION: INTRODUCE CHARACTERS,
SETTING, AND CONFLICTLICT
Paragraph 1: introduce main character and
setting.
Paragraph 6: trouble sets in.
Paragraph 2: describe main character and
give background info that relates to wish.
CLIMAX: THE HIGHEST POINT OF TENSION
Paragraph 8: what is the worst that can
happen?
RISING ACTION: THE CONFLICT IS
DEVELOPED
Paragraph 3: catalyst event before the wish (it
should motivate character to make the wish).
Paragraph 4: genie is encountered and wish is
made.
Paragraph 5: life may appear better at first
after the wish.
24
Paragraph 7: the conflict escalates.
FALLING ACTION: WHAT HAPPENS AFTER
THE CLIMAX?
Paragraph 9: what happens after the climax?
RESOLUTION: HOW DOES THE STORY
END?
Paragraph 10: what is the final outcome? How
has the main character been impacted by
events?
Completed Plot Chart
EXPOSITION: INTRODUCE CHARACTERS,
SETTING, AND CONFLICTLICT
Paragraph 1: introduce main character and
setting. Happened last year, wanted some
attention, stranger gave it, it’s a nightmare.
Paragraph 2: describe main character and
give background info that relates to wish.
Seventh grader, dull looks and personality,
needs attention.
RISING ACTION: THE CONFLICT IS
DEVELOPED
Paragraph 3: catalyst event before the wish (it
should motivate character to make the wish).
Jamie is eating alone in cafeteria when
play auditions are announced.
Paragraph 4: genie is encountered and wish is
made New student appears and offers
wish.
Paragraph 5: life may appear better at first
after the wish. Everyone notices Jamie.
25
Paragraph 6: trouble sets in.
Jamie sees wanted posters after school.
Paragraph 7: the conflict escalates.
Television news bulletins feature Jamie.
CLIMAX: THE HIGHEST POINT OF TENSION
Paragraph 8: what is the worst that can
happen? FBI agents burst into Jamie’s home
and arrest her.
FALLING ACTION: WHAT HAPPENS AFTER
THE CLIMAX?
Paragraph 9: what happens after the climax?
Jamie goes to a juvenile detention center
and awaits a trial.
RESOLUTION: HOW DOES THE STORY
END?
Paragraph 10: what is the final outcome? How
has the main character been impacted by
events? Jamie wishes she could go back to
being the girl who was unnoticed. She
realizes that girl was fine and just needed to
take some chances.
THE HOOK
Mini-lesson
How can you hook the reader?
27






Meaningful statement
Question or series of questions
Working backwards
Flashback
Cliffhanger
Dialogue
Meaningful Statement
28
Be careful what you wish for; you just might
get it. I learned this the hard way four years
ago when a stranger came into my life and
offered to make my dreams come true. I was at
a really low point in my life, so how could I say
no? I thought that being the most popular kid in
middle school would be like living a dream.
Well, it’s a nightmare! And I’m still living it.
Questions
29
If someone offered you a million dollars,
what would you do? Would you take it?
Well, that’s exactly what got me into this
situation. My dad lost his job and I was tired
of living on macaroni and cheese. So when the
genie asked me to make my wish, of course I
asked for cash. The problem was how I
asked. A million bucks can be taken in two
ways. And this genie had a sick sense of
humor.
Working Backwards
30
I’m sitting in my dark cell, listening to the
screams around me from other cells. I can feel a
draft although I have no window, and I can smell
the toilet that is two feet from my bed. I have
five years to go in here. How did I get here?
All I can say is: be careful what you wish for.
Flashback
31
A spotlight shone on Dorothy and Buster as
they headed to the dance floor, newly crowned,
prom queen and king. Everyone applauded as
the happy pair twirled around the floor.
Dorothy could still feel dizzy remembering that
moment. The only other time she had felt such
joy was on her wedding day. Sixty years later,
Buster had passed and Dorothy was all alone.
And the graceful beauty of her youth was just a
distant memory. Sometimes, Dorothy wished she
could just fling herself back into better years.
Cliffhanger
32
Sarah’s little brother was so annoying. He
always spied on her and her friends. At dinner,
he whined when he didn’t like the food and
sometimes threw tantrums in restaurants. It was
so embarrassing! Sometimes Sarah wished she
didn’t have this annoying little brother.
Sometimes she wished he would just disappear…
Dialogue
33
“I’m sorry, son, but we did everything we
could.” I gripped my mom’s hand tighter as I
heard these words. I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t
believe that everything had been done. I held it
together just long enough to get to the car where
I broke down and cried like a baby. I was still
bawling in my bedroom that night when the
genie appeared.
METAPHOR
Mini-lesson
Play with Metaphor
35
Avoid worn out comparisons:
Cliche:
It was raining cats and dogs.
Fresh:
The rain came down in long
knitting needles.
Create unusual comparisons
36
The sun
=
piece of fruit or body part
Your enemy’s heart
=
a landscape
Dress
=
a sound
A face
=
household appliance or machine
Examples
37
The sun glared at me, a critical eye following me down the street,
making me want to hold my head down to avoid the scrutiny.
His heart was a lifeless desert after the loss of his wife, a barren
hopeless place.
Sarah’s gaudy prom dress shouted across the room at me, its brash
colors screaming all at once for my attention.
I stare at my girlfriend’s face, trying to figure her out, but she is a
wall clock that is too far away to read.
DLO: Describe your character using a metaphor and
try to avoid worn out comparisons. Post it!
ORGANIZATION
Mini-lesson
Organization
39
Details should be ordered logically and
transitions must be present.
Questions to ask yourself:
 Are my details in logical order?
 Are my verb tenses consistent?
 Did I use transitions?
Verb Tense: Keep it consistent!
40
The nurse gave us a room. I had to lie on the
bed in the room to rest my ankle. My mom and I
watched TV for three hours. Then the doctor comes in
and tells us I sprained my ankle. He puts a pad
under running water and squeezes it out.
The nurse gave us a room. I had to lie on the bed in
the room to rest my ankle. My mom and I watched
TV for three hours. Then the doctor came in and told
us I sprained my ankle. He put a pad under running
water and squeezed it out.
Identify the transitions
41
At the stadium, I always have a good
time. After I take my seat, I listen to the crowd
and enjoy the familiar smells of hot dogs and
popcorn. As the players take to the field, I
stand and cheer. When the game begins, I
take out my binoculars because I don’t want to
miss a thing. By the fifth inning, I am starving
and go grab a hot dog from a vendor. At the
bottom of the ninth, I have usually lost my
voice from all of the cheering I do. When the
game is over, I feel sad even when the home
team wins because I don’t want a good day to
end. At home, all I can think about is when I
can go to the next game.
Organize: Tense and transitions
42
At the stadium, I always have a good time. After I take
my seat, I listen to the crowd and enjoy the familiar
smells of hot dogs and popcorn. As the players take
to the field, I stand and cheer. When the game begins,
I take out my binoculars because I don’t want to miss a
thing. By the fifth inning, I am starving and go grab a
hot dog from a vendor. At the bottom of the ninth, I
have usually lost my voice from all of the cheering I do.
When the game is over, I feel sad even when the home
team wins because I don’t want a good day to end. At
home, all I can think about is when I can go to the next
game.
DIALOGUE
Mini-lesson
Dialogue
44
Direct Quotes:
Use quotation marks when you are repeating exactly
what was said:
“Please turn in your short stories by Friday,” Mrs. Jones said.
Indirect Quotes:
Don’t use quotation marks if you are just talking about
what someone said.
Sarah said that she would be here by noon.
He wondered whether Mr. Roberts would say yes.
Direct Quotes
45

1.The comma or punctuation mark always goes WITHIN the
quotes, never outside.
"You need to study more," my teacher said.
“Why can’t you come tonight?” he asked.
2. The dialogue tag, when following a quote, should begin in
lower case.
"Is the test on Monday?" he asked.
“I don’t want to go to the dentist!” she cried.
Direct Quotes continued
46
3. If the information following the quote is not a dialogue tag,
the dialogue should end with a period, and the information
following should be punctuated as a complete sentence.
"I have something to tell you." Sally pulled her friend away from the
lunch table.
“Your dog ate your homework?” Mr. Smith studied me with
suspicion.
4. If a dialogue tag interrupts a sentence of dialogue, the second
portion of the dialogue should be in lower case.
"I don’t care,” Jessie lied, “if I fail the test.”
“Sally,” he said, “the movie starts at eight.”
Direct Quotes Continued
47
5. If you want to insert a dialogue tag between two sentences, you would
write:
“I don’t want meatloaf for dinner again,” he complained. “I want pizza.”
“I can’t go to the game on Saturday,” Josh revealed. “I’m grounded this
weekend.”
6. When writing dialogue, a new paragraph is created every time a new
person speaks.

Jeremy asked, “Did you make the team?”

“No,” I admitted.
“Me either,” Jeremy said.
“I don’t care,” I lied.
“Me neither,” Jeremy lied.



Dialogue tags
48
Retire: said, asked
Brainstorm a list of more specific and interesting
dialogue tags
STYLE
Mini-lesson
Style
50
Your writing should show variety in language and
sentence length. Your voice and tone should be
appropriate for the audience.
Questions to ask yourself:
 Did I use precise and descriptive language?
 Did I use variety in my word choice and sentence
length?
 Is my expression clear and concise?
Avoid short, choppy sentences!
51
Use adjectives, adverbs, and prepositional phrases
to develop your simple sentences:
Example:
The child cried.
At the edge of the playground, the lonely child cried
softly into her teddy bear.
You try it: The man laughed.
Avoid short, choppy sentences!
52
Combine details.
The dog barked. The mailman was frightened. He
dropped the mail on the porch. He ran for his life.
When the dog barked, the frightened mailman
dropped the mail on the porch and ran for his life.
Are there shorty, choppy sentences in your story
that you could combine?
Use powerful and precise language!
53
The man walked into the room and starting talking.
The teacher hurried into the classroom and started lecturing.
The police officer burst into the suspect’s home and started
interrogating.
The demon clown crept into the bedroom and started
whispering.
You try it: My sister ate her dinner and left the table.
Be clear and concise!
54
Avoid run-ons.
Fix it!
I don’t want to do homework do you I didn’t
think so.
Be clear and concise!
55
Don’t overuse pronouns.
Which pronouns would you replace?
What nouns can replace these pronouns?
He ran into the street to grab the ball and it
almost hit him. Luckily, his dad was watching, so he
snatched him just before it struck.
SAMPLE STORY
Paragraph 1: Introduction
57
Be careful what you wish for because you
just might get it. I learned this the hard way last
year when a stranger came into my life and
offered to make my dreams come true. Now
that I am living my dream, it seems much more
like a nightmare. All I wanted was to get some
attention. Well I got it alright.
Paragraph 2: Character Description/Background
58
It all happened last year. I was in seventh
grade at Springdale Middle School and not exactly
making a name for myself. With my dull looks and
even duller personality, hardly anyone even knew
who I was. I walked the halls like an invisible ghost.
Even the teachers forgot my name half the time.
“You’re Jamie, right?” I daydreamed every day
about what it would be like to be noticed, what it
would be like to actually be wanted.
Paragraph 3: Catalyst Event Before the Wish
59
So it was just another typical day for me at
Springdale Middle School when my fantasy
became a reality. As usual, I was sitting alone at
my lunch table, my face buried in a book. At least
I was a good student. I looked up to see Mr.
Smith, the drama teacher, at the microphone. He
was announcing that the school play tryouts would
take place that day after school. Not that I would
ever have had the guts to try out. I couldn’t even
work up the courage to talk to the person next to
me in class. I went back to reading.
Paragraph 4: The Genie Appears/ Wish is Made
60
“Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?” I looked up
from my book and noticed this kid had sat down
across from me. I had never seen him before.
Was he on another other team? Was he new?
All I could tell was that he was cute. He had
blond hair falling over his sky blue eyes. He
smiled at me, flashing these ultra white teeth. No
one ever did this, smile at me, so I didn’t even
know how to react. He repeated his question.
Dialogue
61
“Doesn’t it sound like fun? The play, I mean.”
“If you have the guts to try out, I guess.”
“And you don’t?” he asked.
“No way!” I exclaimed. “They wouldn’t want me.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Cause no one ever does.” Okay, I just met this kid and I was
already acting like such a loser.
“Too bad. My name is Sean, by the way.”
“Are you new?”
“You could say that. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” I replied.
Dialogue continued
62
“So, you really don’t think that anyone wants you?”
“Can’t you tell? Do you see anyone at my lunch table?”
“I guess not,” he admitted. “So tell me. If you could have
anything—anything in the world-- that’s what you’d want? To
be wanted?”
“Doesn’t everyone want to be wanted?”
“I suppose. Anyway,” he said, standing up. “I have to go. I
think I’m supposed to get a tour or something. It was nice
meeting you. Really.”
Before this new kid, Sean, turned to leave, he handed me a card. I
read it as he walked out of the cafeteria. It said, “Your wish is my
command.” Strange, I thought. Did the new kid think he was some
kind of genie? Was he mental?
Paragraph 5: After the Wish
63
The bell rang soon after Sean left the cafeteria. I
got up to put my tray away and moved on to my
locker. The strangest thing happened at my locker. A
group of girls—popular girls who barely knew my
name—came up to me and started chatting with me.
It was like we were friends. Then in math class, my
homework buddy asked me if I had a boyfriend. He
even asked for my cell number. And Mr. Smith, the
math teacher, suddenly knew my name. “Jamie,
would you please collect the homework for me?” he
asked. Maybe that new kid, Sean, had some magic
going for him after all.
Paragraph 6: Trouble Sets In
64
As I walked from class to class that afternoon, I was
surprised by all the attention I was suddenly getting. It
came from everywhere—both the kids and teachers.
Even the principal pulled me out of homeroom to talk to
me. But after school, things took an ugly turn. As I
walked home, I noticed that there were these FBI posters
plastered all over the place. They were on trees,
mailboxes, and telephone poles. Curious, I stopped to
look at one posted on a tree. And there I was; there was
a picture of me under the big bold letters: WANTED.
Paragraph 7: Conflict Escalates
65
The poster said that I was wanted for armed
robbery and there was a reward offered to anyone
who had information on my whereabouts. I ripped the
poster off of the tree and ran home. When I got inside
my door, I ran to the television and turned on the news.
There was an emergency bulletin announcing the search
was on for WANTED armed robber, Jamie Simmons.
That was me. The FBI wanted me!
Paragraph 8: Climax
66
I thought back to the strange kid at the lunch table.
Maybe he was a genie after all. It was obvious that he
wasn’t very good at his job though. Who would wish to
be WANTED by the FBI? Before I could think any more
about this, I heard a bang on the door. “FBI!” someone
shouted. I was terrified, but I had no choice but to
answer. They were threatening to break down the front
door. As I opened the door, an officer burst into my
house and told me to get down on the floor. He knelt
down and put handcuffs on me. He didn’t seem to care
that I was crying like a baby, scared out of my mind.
“Jamie Simmons? You are wanted by the FBI!” he
announced.
Paragraph 9: Falling Action
67
I was arrested that day and put in a juvenile
detention center. My mom got me a lawyer, and I am
hoping that the truth will come out at my trial next
month. I told the lawyer to search for Sean, the
genie who ruined my life. I don’t think he believes me
about this though. He looks at me like I’m crazy. And
so does my mom.
Paragraph 10: Resolution
68
I’ve been in juvie for almost a year now, and I’ve
had a lot of time to think. If I could go back to being
the girl who sits alone at lunch, unnoticed, I would. That
girl was just fine. She just needed to take a chance, put
herself out there a little more. But I can’t go back to
being that girl. Sean made sure of that. All I can say is
be careful what you wish for because you just might get
it.
Revision Checklist
69








Is the point of view consistent?
Five sentences with good details?
Character description focused?
Are the tenses past and past perfect (did, was, should
have)?
Good transitions to show change of place and time?
Are events logically connected and in order?
Descriptive? Is there imagery to help the reader visualize?
Are sentences varied in language and length?
REVISION
Mini-lesson
71
Focus: first reading
•
•
Point of view
Character description:
•
Is it focused?
Is the point of view consistent?
72
I always wanted to learn how to surf. Finally, I
got my chance last summer when my family and I want
to California. I took a surf lesson in San Diego.
When the lesson began, he was a little scared. The
teacher was nice enough, but the ocean looked rough,
and he couldn’t imagine surfing in it. Little did I know
that by the end of the day, I would be a surfing king!
Character description focused?
73
Mrs. Olsen has four children, two dogs, and
three cats. She has blond hair, green eyes, and is tall
for a woman. Her husband travels for work quite a
bit, so poor Mrs. Olsen spends most days trying to
juggle everyone and everything. She likes to play to
tennis when time allows. Some days, she just wants to
drop everything and run away. Mrs. Olsen loves her
family, but there are times when she feels completely
overwhelmed by them all.
74
Organization: second reading
•
•
•
Spatial and sequential transitions
Details in logical order
Tense consistency
Good transitions? Logical order?
75
Water was everywhere. Our gym teacher entered the
locker room in a panic. Joey ran to get Mr. Winters. He was
not happy to see a flood coming from the showers. Everyone
and everything was soaked. When I opened my ham and
cheese sandwich, even it was soggy. I got a hamburger
instead. Mom wasn’t thrilled that I bought lunch.
Water was everywhere. Joey ran to get Mr. Winters.
Our gym teacher entered the locker room in a panic. He was
not happy to see a flood coming from the showers. Everyone
and everything was soaked. Later on in the cafeteria, I
opened my ham and cheese sandwich to discover that even it
was soggy. I went to the lunch counter and got a hamburger
instead. After school, Mom wasn’t thrilled that I bought lunch.
Are the tenses consistent?
76
The lioness crept closer to the herd, hiding in the
tall grass. She tried to stay downwind so the zebra
wouldn’t catch her scent and run, but the wind
suddenly shifted and the herd was off. The lioness
springs into action, racing after a small colt that lags
behind her mother. The mighty predator comes within
inches of her young prey when suddenly she slipped
in the wet grass. That was all it took for the lucky colt
to dart away to safety.
77
Content: third reading
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Five to to six well-developed sentences in
each paragraph
One dynamic character who changes in
some way
Dialogue: at least two lines of dialogue
Plot includes conflict, climax, and resolution
Five sentences with good details?
78
My room is super messy. There are thumb
tacks all over. There are clothes all over the floor.
Trash is everywhere. It is hard to walk in my room.
My room is super messy. The floor is littered with
thumb tacks, so you have to watch where you walk. My
mom always yells at me about the piles of dirty clothes
all over the floor. Since I like to draw and have no trash
can, there are scraps of paper tossed everywhere. It’s
hard to walk into the minefield that is my bedroom without
tripping over something.
Dynamic character
79
Matt used to think that war was a game and the
players were having fun. He thought that nothing would be
more exciting than to experience a real life battle. But he
had been so naïve. His ideas about war had been drawn
from the experiences of playing video games on Saturday
afternoons with a bag of Cheetos by his side. Now Matt
understood what war really meant: it was pain, it was loss, it
was tragedy. And he wanted nothing more to do with it. But
this realization came at a huge price. With his brother fallen
in battle and his mother stricken with grief, his heart was filled
with regret. If he could go back in time and relive his moment
with the genie, he would make a very different wish. But there
was no going back. Matt had grown up enough to know this.
Style: fourth reading
80
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Descriptive writing including the use of imagery
Appropriate and varied word choice
Variety of simple, compound, and complex
sentences
Clear and concise expression
Is the writing descriptive?
81
I love my beach house. It’s right on the beach, so
the view is really good. Plus, I have my own room and it is
pretty big. I love to stare out of the living room window
at the sun, the blue ocean, and the gulls flying overhead.
I love my beach house. It’s in a prime location right
on the beach, just ten feet from the foamy surf. Looking
out the living room window, I have an amazing view of the
rolling waves and the gull-filled sky overhead. Plus, I
have a huge bedroom to myself with vaulted ceiling, a
queen-sized bed, and enough space that even I can’t
clutter it all up.
Look for imagery in describing
characters, setting, and events
82
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I used to an open book but now I am like a jail, all of
my thoughts and feelings locked away.
Grief beat against the walls of my heart like a trapped
bird until I burst into loud hot tears.
A mole sat on my teacher’s face like a swollen tic, and I
was actually frightened that it would leap off of her
and attack me.
The opposing team was like a mad herd of two ton
elephants coming at me; the ground shook as they all
stampeded toward the guy with the ball, me.
Walking down the seventh grade hallway is like sticking
your hand into a wasp’s nest and who would be crazy
enough to do that?
Are sentences varied in language and
length?
83
I love to fishing with my uncle. I went fishing with my Uncle
Bill last weekend. He has a boat at the shore. I love being on his
boat. I always catch something. I caught two fish this trip. I
cleaned them. Then I cooked them right on the boat. I have
always loved fishing.
I love fishing with my uncle. Last weekend, my Uncle Bill
and I went down to Ocean City and we took his boat out for the
day. His cabin cruiser has always been a lucky ride for me, so I
knew I would catch something. This time, I caught two healthysized bass. Before we even docked, my uncle and I cleaned and
cooked the fish. I can still smell the salty air and taste the sweet,
tender meat of bass right off the hook. Ever since my first time
with Uncle Bill three years back, I have loved our fishing trips.
84
Conventions: Fifth reading
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Complete sentences
Appropriate punctuation
Correct spelling
Appropriate capitalization
Double-spaced
Use proofreading marks:
85
The dream of being on honor roll. Was it even
still possible. I had worked so hard at the beginning
of the Marking Period now I was hardly working at
all. “Do you even try”? mom asks all the time. What
can I say. I dont try I have forgotten how. In
september I had all A’s and B’s. Now…
Rules
86
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Take your peer’s draft and move back to your own seat.
Check off items on the checklist as you review your peer’s
story.
Make some notes neatly on their draft for revision; use
proofreading marks for editing.
Record push and a pull.
Wait patiently for others to finish the process.
When I give the signal, meet with your peer to discuss
suggestions.
Be prepared to discuss suggestions you offered and were
given.