Welcome to the Roommate Relationship training module
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presentation.
We hope this tool is helpful to you in understanding the
typical university response to a roommate conflict, as well
as how to help your student establish positive roommate
relationships.
This is only one of many resources available to you. For
more personal assistance, please contact your housing and
residence life office directly.
Typical University
Responses to a Roommate
Conflict and How to Help
Your Student
By Jody Donovan, Director of Student Transitions
and Parent & Family Programs, Colorado State University
Brought to you by: Reslife.Net, Ltd. as a part of The Roommate Resource Service
Roommate conflicts are stressful
for your student, for you as a
parent, and also for the university
staff that are involved in helping
your student resolve their conflict.
Roommate Conflicts:
A Primer for Parents & Families
This module will provide information about:
1.
2.
3.
How to help your student minimize roommate
conflicts
How to support your student during a
roommate conflict
Typical college and university responses to
roommate conflicts
Why are Roommate Experiences
Important?
Although living with a stranger may be at
times challenging for your student…it also
provides terrific opportunities to learn and
acquire life long skills that relate to…
Learning to become a good roommate
serves as a basis for becoming a good
friend, co-worker, neighbor and spouse.
Living with roommates teaches your student that within
every relationship, there are always multiple truths and
perceptions of reality...
If your student experiences a
roommate conflict understand that
their perceptions on the conflict can
be very different than the perspective
of their roommate, which is one of
the reasons why roommate conflicts
are often very difficult to resolve.
Consider Bob and Mike, who are new
roommates:

A couple of weeks after move-in Mike goes to brush
his teeth and realizes he is out of toothpaste. Bob’s
toothbrush and toothpaste are nicely stacked in their
usual place on the vanity.
Mike shares a bathroom at
home with other siblings
and everyone shares, no
problem, so he “borrows”
some paste from Bob and
sets the tube back down on
the counter, expecting to
pick up a new tube for
himself later.
That evening…
Bob goes to brush his teeth. He
notices that his toothbrush is not
where he left it and the toothpaste
tube is not rolled up tightly the way
he left it that morning. “Someone
has been using my toothpaste!” “It
had to be Mike, but why would he
touch my stuff?” Bob begins to
wonder what other belongings he has
that Mike is borrowing. “Is Mike to
cheap to buy his own stuff?” “Did he
use my toothbrush too!” Bob is
frustrated but he decides not to ask
Mike. Instead, he moves his
toothbrush and toothpaste to the
shelf inside his closet.
The next morning…
Mike is back to brush his teeth but he never got
the chance to stop and buy a new tube of paste.
He reaches to borrow Bob’s again, but it’s not
there. “Where did it go?” “Why would Bob move
it?” The thought strikes him; did he move it
because I used it yesterday? “That must be it.”
What a cheapskate! Every time he wants to play
my Xbox or watch a movie on my VCR, I don’t
even question it. Mike decides to investigate
further. He opens Bob’s closet door and sees the
toothpaste. “That jerk!” “I’ll show him.” Mike
leaves Bob’s toothpaste alone but goes next door
to see if he can borrow some from one of the
other guys on the corridor. He tells the guys next
door how cheap his roommate is, and how Bob
hid his toothpaste from him. After he brushes his
teeth, he returns to the room and disconnects the
wires for his Xbox and VCR, and places them in
his own closet.
A little later…
Bob comes back from class. He sees Mike
talking to the guys in the next room. They look at
him and laugh, and then duck into their room.
Bob goes into his own room wondering what is
going on. He decides to take a break and watch
the end of the movie he fell asleep watching last
night. He notices Mike has removed the Tape
from the VCR and he picks it up and tries to start
the tape. It does not seem to be working. He
looks to see if it is connected, and notices that
some of the wires are missing. Mike walks in, he
looks annoyed. Bob is still mad at him about the
toothpaste incident so he does not say hello.
Mike does not speak either. The silence makes
both of them more annoyed at one another and so
Bob takes his tape and goes down the hall to
another friend’s room to visit. He sees the guys
next door; they still seem to be laughing about
something.
Over the next few weeks…
The tension in the room has grown pretty heavy. Bob and Mike are both
stompin’ mad, and hardly talk to one another. They both seem to be doing
things to annoy the other and they are both talking to other friends on their
residence hall floor about what a jerk their roommate is. When Bob’s girlfriend
comes to visit for the weekend, Mike is not very friendly to her and after she
leaves, Bob decides he has had enough. Bob calls his parents. He has been
telling them already all the rude things that Mike is doing. He tells them Mike is
using his personal belongings, refusing to share items in the room that they
had agreed to use jointly when they moved in, like the VCR, and that Mike is
spreading nasty stories about him to the other students on the floor. The
situation has become unbearable and Bob asks his parents for help.
If you are Bob’s parents, what
are you going to do?


Call the university and demand that Mike
be moved?
Call and demand that Bob be moved?
Did this really start over a
simple tube of toothpaste?
Yes…believe it or not, roommate
conflicts start over things like this
all the time…
Roommate conflicts negatively
impact a student’s ability to adjust
to life in the residence hall and
campus, which is why they should
be avoided if at all possible.
The good news is that there are
things that you can do to help your
student maximize success and live
compatibly with a roommate. Let’s
spend some time thinking about
these things…
Supporting the Development
of Positive Roommate
Relationships
The good news is that as a parent
you can support the development
of a positive roommate
relationship for your student.
The best part is…you can help
before the toothpaste is squeezed
out of the tube!
If your university has encouraged
you to review this module prior to
the start of the academic year,
encourage your student to spend
time getting to know their
roommate over the summer
through visits, e-mail, phone calls,
and instant messaging.
Help your student think in terms of the issues that are important to
them in their roommate relationship and their living situation.
It is important that your student process and understand the things
about their roommate relationship that might be “non-negotiable”.
These are things that will never be okay in the relationship verses
things that might be open for negotiation.
A solid understanding of this information will assist your student
when having discussions with their roommate about how they will
live together successfully.
If the academic year has already begun, encourage your student to spend
time with their roommate in and out of the room, discussing backgrounds,
hobbies, likes, dislikes, relationship expectations, as well as their hopes,
dreams, and fears about their college experience.
Through dialogue your student and their roommate will begin to build
common ground for their similarities. A good understanding of similarities
will help the roommates more successfully manage the areas where they
differ.
If Mike and Bob had spent a little more time getting to know one another,
Mike might have known to leave Bob a note when he used his toothpaste,
or Bob might have felt more comfortable confronting Mike about it, without
worrying about rocking the boat.
Keep things in perspective and do not escalate the conflict.
It is very difficult as a parent to receive the news that your
student is having problems with their roommate. You need to
empathize with their situation, while keeping in mind that you
are only getting one side of the story in regards to the conflict
(and there is another parent out there potentially getting an
earful about your student!). As negative as the conflict may
be, there is a silver lining…your student will be challenged to
grow and develop as a result of this experience. Encourage
them in a positive way, but balance this with not escalating the
situation. Encourage them to begin the process of looking at
the situation from the perspective of their roommate.
Listen, Listen, Listen! Ask thoughtful questions to allow
your student to come to their own solutions.
As a parent, it is possible to be too interested in solving
the problems of your student. As opposed to giving
advice on what you would do, encourage your student
to brainstorm potential solutions to their problem, and
help them determine appropriate courses of action that
they can take to resolve the problem.
Be positive and convey your belief that things will be
resolved eventually.
Your student may be highly emotionally charged and upset
by the conflict that they are experiencing. Be a constant
reassuring voice that communicates the eventual resolution
of the conflict. Although a distraction and annoyance, a
roommate conflict is not a life or death situation, although
they can create high levels of stress and anxiety.
Share your own experiences about conflict and how you
successfully navigated differences…
It is good for your student to hear from you about how you
have experienced conflicts (perhaps roommate or other),
and what you did to resolve the conflict. Share your life
experiences if they can help your student with perspective
and gaining information to help resolve the conflict, but
balance this with an understanding that the discussion is
about your student, not you.
Proactively encourage your student to establish a formalized
agreement with their roommate. Most colleges and universities provide
these forms to residents, and encourage them to fill the form out at the
start of the academic year. The roommate agreement formalizes the
expectations that roommates have for each other, as expectations are
discussed and placed in writing. These roommate agreements hold
students accountable for themselves, each other, and their guests.
This is an important process for proactively establishing positive
roommate relations, and it should be done as early in the semester as
is possible.
Feel free to discuss this process with your school administrator.
More on roommate agreements later…
Direct your student to his or her resident assistant (RA) –
as issues can be addressed more quickly if the RA is
notified right away.
The resident assistant (RA) is a student as well, who has
been specially selected and trained to assist your student
with issues related to on-campus living. The RA is the first
line of intervention in a roommate conflict, and your student
should speak with the RA directly if they are experiencing
problems with their roommate.
More about the RA…
Typical RA Responsibilities
Role
model
Resource
Friend
“Ears
Policy
and referral source
& guide
& eyes” for the professional residence hall staff
enforcer
Community
builder
*RAs are typically one or two years older than their residents, and fulltime students. They cannot solve problems, but they can help
students solve their own problems.
The Importance of Assertive
Communication
When involved in a conflict, roommates can respond
assertively, aggressively, and passively.
It is important to discourage non-assertive and aggressive
behaviors if your student calls to discuss a roommate
conflict with you.
Let’s spend some time exploring these responses in more
detail…
Sometimes students are
passive-aggressive…
Talking to friends and floor-mates
about the problem, rather than with
the roommate
Exaggerating the problem
Being deceptive or “two-faced”
Being manipulative toward the
roommate
Communicating indirectly rather than
directly
Characterized by “steel knuckles
inside a velvet glove”
The telling of stories…
Sometimes students are
aggressive in roommate
conflicts…
Violating each other’s rights
Humiliating each other
Putting each other down
Being abusive emotionally or verbally
Dominating each other
Inflicting deliberate harm on each other
Enhancing oneself at the expense of the
other
Or passive…
Self-denying
Acting as a “doormat”
Being emotionally dishonest with oneself
Being inhibited
Allowing others to choose for oneself
Allowing one’s rights to be violated
It is easy to think that your student would never
respond in the ways I just described…but you
need to be aware of the possibility they might.
Sometimes what students tell their parents is very
different than the reality of the situation, and when
this happens it creates a situation where the
student is telling their parents one thing and
university administrators another.
As a parent, you should encourage your
student to use assertive communication, the
best strategy for effective communication.
Encourage Assertive
Communication
Being Assertive
means…
During roommate conflicts,
it is critical that both
roommates communicate
assertively, stating their
concerns as well as their
suggestions for
collaborating toward a
mutually acceptable
solution.
Making
one’s own choices
Being honest
Taking responsibility for
oneself
Standing up for oneself
Asking for what one wants
Caring about oneself as well
as caring for others
The Roommate Agreement
Process
As part of their standard operating procedures,
many housing programs require students to
establish formalized roommate agreements, that
outline how students will live agreeably together.
This process may be facilitated by the resident
assistant (RA), and usually happens at the very
start of the academic year.
How does the roommate
agreement process work?
The process is facilitated by the floor resident assistant,
typically at the start of the academic year and sometimes
discussed at the first floor meeting
Roommates discuss topics by sharing opinions and
listening to each other’s preferences
Roommates find common ground - the area for agreement
through negotiation
Roommates discuss how they will communicate concerns
to each other regarding unacceptable behavior in the room
Roommates set a trial period and a day/time for revisiting
the agreement to make changes
As part of the roommate agreement process, your
student should discuss the following issues with
their roommate.







Academic goals
Roommate relationship
expectations
Studying in the room
Socializing in the room
Use of space in the room
Sleeping & waking rituals
Sharing purchased food &
supplies







Cleanliness of the room
Music tastes
Financial responsibilities
Privacy within the room
Guests in the room
Sharing belongings
Time spent together
After the roommate agreement
is established…

Encourage your student to communicate any concerns that they
may be having with their roommate right away. Even if problems are
minor, they need to be addressed right away to keep them from
escalating. Consider how differently Mike and Bob’s situation might
have been if they had talked about it that first day.

Encourage your student to use the 5-year rule: in 5 years, will this
really matter? If not, encourage your student to let it go. This may
seem contradictory, but it works! Decide what is important and
focus on that. Even if something seems small, it can be a source of
irritation that grows over time. Or, perhaps it can be ignored and
forgotten, if put in perspective. For both Mike and Bob, if either of
them could have let the matter go after the first slight, without taking
further steps against their roommate, the problem would most likely
have passed and not escalated.
When conflict happens…
Let’s start out with a definition of
conflict…
Conflict is a condition that exists when two
or more people express incompatible ideas
or have goals that are not mutually
supportive.
Although your student experiences
a degree of stress when involved
with conflict...it is a daily reality that
is experienced at home, at work,
while driving, while with friends,
with family, and with oneself.
Sources of Conflict
Differences over perceptions of reality
 Differences over facts
 Differences over goals
 Differences over methods
 Differences over values
 Communication: misunderstandings,
nonverbal & verbal
 Personal behavior or idiosyncrasies

There are important rights that need to be
acknowledged in a roommate conflict. If involved
in a conflict, your student, and their roommate,
has the following rights…





The right to ask for what one wants
The right to change one’s mind
The right to say “no” without feeling guilty
The right to be listened to and to be taken seriously
The right to be treated with respect
Housing staff walk a fine line in
working to balance the rights of both
roommates.
As a parent you feel concerned when
your student is involved in a conflict,
and it may be easy to become
emotionally involved in both your
perceptions on the conflict and your
desired outcome.
Keep in mind that both your student
and their roommate will have rights,
and that the housing staff who are
working to resolve the conflict will be
working to maintain the rights of all
parties concerned.
Negotiating Through Conflict
There are several strategies one can employ to
successfully deal with conflict.
The following is a strategy used by numerous
housing professionals across the nation and can
be adapted for use in nearly any conflict situation.
Interest Based
Negotiation for Resolving
Conflict
Separate the people from the problem
By focusing on the issues rather than each other, roommates
can work through their disagreement without damaging their
relationship. Encourage them to think of each other as
partners in negotiation, agreeing to some ground rules prior
to beginning, and respecting one another by asking for a time
out if emotions get hot.
Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Focus on interests, not positions
A “position is something you have decided upon. Your interests are what
caused you to so decide,” according to Fisher and Ury, authors of Getting
to Yes (1991, p. 42). Usually at least one person loses when people
focus on positions rather than interests (and often both lose!).
Encourage roommates to identify their interests and work to understand each
other’s motivations clearly. If they look forward to desired solutions rather than
focusing on past events, they are more apt to create multiple solutions that
benefit both parties.
Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Invent Options for Mutual Gain
This is the brainstorming phase for roommates and it is
important to remember that evaluation comes later. By
focusing on shared interests, they can avoid win-lose options.
Creativity is rewarded as roommates make proposals that
may be appealing to the other person and hold limited
negative impacts for oneself.
Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Use Objective Criteria for Evaluation
If the solutions are not balanced, it may be helpful to seek
objective criteria from a mutually agreed upon expert or
source (a policy or law, the resident assistant, etc.).
Encourage your student to make the agreement specific
and measurable, to keep an open mind, and be
reasonable when considering options.
Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Tips for Dealing with
Conflicts
Recognize that this is your student’s problem, not your
problem to solve—students learn assertiveness,
communication,
and problem
solving skills
if they work
Negotiating
Through
Conflict
through the problem rather than being “rescued”!
As a parent you may want to help your student by solving the
problem for them. Hopefully you’ve sent your student to
college for them to learn and grow as a person by learning
life skills in addition to their academic learning.
Conflict is an inevitable occurrence in life and to be
successful your student needs to know how to navigate it
successfully once it occurs.
Help yourNegotiating
student understand
that
Through
there are multiple perceptions of
reality and all may contain elements
of the “truth”.
Encourage them to be open to the
perspective of their roommate,
negotiation and compromise, and
working towards a fair, successful,
and equitable resolution to the
conflict.
Conflict
Old woman? Young Girl?
What do you see?
Negotiating Through Conflict
Help your student acknowledge his or her own role in the
conflict.
It is highly unlikely that your student will be a totally
innocent victim in the roommate conflict. It usually takes
two to have a disagreement, so help your student reflect
on their behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions that may
have contributed to the conflict. They don’t have to take full
responsibility, but it may be helpful for them to identify
areas for change that may lead to a resolution.
Help yourNegotiating
student brainstorm
options for Conflict
resolution because
Through
sometimes it is hard to think about multiple solutions when
they are too closely involved.
Coming to a successful resolution of a conflict requires
compromise on the parts of all concerned. It is helpful to go
into a roommate problem negotiation with many ideas
verses few, and it will allow for more dialogue and options
for meeting the needs of both your student and their
roommate.
Typical University
Responses to a Roommate
Conflict
Roommate conflicts are best handled at the lowest
possible level—the RA, or the residence hall
director, who could be a bachelors or masters
degree level staff member who has overall
supervisory responsibility for your student’s
residence hall and supervising the building RAs.
If you hear from your student and call the
President’s Office, the situation is immediately
escalated and becomes more difficult to resolve.
Roommate Conflicts within
the first two weeks…
Unless the situation involves a health or safety
issue, most colleges and universities are
unwilling to split up roommates in the first two
weeks, or perhaps longer depending on their
policies.
This allows for roommates to get beyond
superficial first impressions and unfounded
biases to learn how to get along with people who
are different from them.
When a roommate conflict
is reported…
The RA will first spend time
visiting with each roommate
individually to assess the
situation and hear the varying
perspectives regarding the
roommate conflict. The RA will
often share this information with
their supervisor, the residence
hall director to discuss next
steps.
Very few roommate
conflicts occur between
an “evil” student and an
“angelic” student…more
frequently, both parties
share some role in the
conflict. The RA seeks to
learn this information
from both roommates.
Completing the
Roommate Agreement
If the roommates have not completed a
roommate agreement, the RA may suggest
that they discuss their specific roommate
problem in the context of completing a
roommate agreement listing common areas
for disagreement between roommates. The
RA may then facilitate a discussion about the
roommate agreement, seeking long-term
resolution.
Revisiting the
Roommate Agreement
If the roommates have
already completed the
roommate agreement,
the RA will facilitate a
discussion regarding
whether the agreement
is still valid, areas for
revision, and sources of
current conflicts as well
as possible resolutions.
This is the time for
assertive communication!
Students will have an
opportunity to share their
“stories” and to brainstorm
options for resolution. It is
crucial for students to be
honest, direct, and flexible
during this time to reach a
mutually agreeable solution,
and you need to encourage
your student to do this.
The Value of the 3rd Alternative
Rather than viewing the solution as
benefiting either one roommate or the
other, it is helpful to think about the 3rd
alternative—a mutually beneficial solution.
A new roommate
agreement is reached
The RA will document the various areas
that have been discussed, as well as the
solutions to the problems. Roommates will
sign the agreement acknowledging their
willingness to abide by, as well as hold
each other accountable for, the agreement.
A date to revisit the agreement is
established. Copies of the agreement are
given to each roommate and kept on file for
future reference.
If the new agreement
is breached…
When the RA is informed that the
agreement is not working
between the roommates, he or
she may try to facilitate another
conversation, or may ask the
residence hall director for
assistance in mediating the
ongoing roommate dispute.
Hall Director Intervention
If the roommate conflict rises to the level of the
residence hall director, a new option for
resolution exists…splitting up the roommate pair
through a room change.
The hall director will often hold a roommate
mediation session with the roommate pair to
assess the potential for resolution prior to
suggesting a room change.
About Room
Changes
Splitting up may be the
best solution, however,
it is often difficult to
determine who should
move to the new room
and who shall remain in
the current room. In
most roommate
conflicts, no one is
willing to move…
Options to determine who
moves…
The best option is for the roommates to
decide themselves!
However, when that fails, the
following options exist…



Deposit dates (earliest gets to stay)
Flipping a coin, drawing straws,
picking a number
Deciding who is most desperate to
get out of the situation
If a decision cannot be made, in some
instances both roommates will be
required to move.
After the decision has been made
More than likely, two options exist here depending on housing policy.
Students may be provided with a list of students looking for potential
roommates in their residence hall as well as throughout the residence
hall “system”
Or…
Students will be given a new room assignment by the housing office.
Students are then given a
specific time period during
which they are to complete the
move. This can range from a
weekend to a few weeks.
This can be a very stressful time!
Parents and families can support their students
during this time by:


Helping them move to their new room
Helping them put this experience into
perspective—they will move many times
throughout their lives…rarely with such few
belongings!
Avoiding another roommate conflict
The RA and residence hall director most
likely will work with both roommates to
reflect on what happened and what could
have been done differently to avoid the
need to move rooms. It is important for
students to learn from this experience so
as not to repeat it with their new
roommate/s.
In Conclusion….
…are respectful to one another.
…do not have to be best friends, they
just need to be friendly!