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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Vicar of Dibley
1.3 – Community Spirit
Owen Newitt: … unavoidably delayed…
David Horton: Right! I call this meeting of the Dibley Parish Council to order! Item one,
________________________?
Jim Trott: No, no, no, no, no, no, no – yes!
David: Yes – Jim?
No, no, no, no, no – yes! I, I’m sorry I missed the bridge evening yesterday!
No, ____________________________________, Jim!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no – _________!
No, I mean apologies mean you only have to _______________________
____!
Jim:
_____________! But, but, but ___________________________, and then
_______________________ for not being here next time!
David: _________! ________! Mindless vandalism!
Voice: Ah yes!
David: As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village!
Jim:
David:
Jim:
David:
Voices: Oh, yes!
Letitia Cropley: Oh yes, I saw that! I don’t think you’re a prat, Mr Horton!
David: _________________!
Owen: Yes – some bugger’s scrawled, “________________________” on the scout
hut wall!
David: We also seem to have acquired a village pus office! __________________,
Frank?
Frank Pickle: Yes – “_____________________”!
David: Well let’s just ________________________, shall we? Especially the little
bastard who’s tampered with the sign for the Tuck Shop!
Frank: Oh, yes!
Owen: I don’t know about that!
David: Right! _________!
Jim:
(Laughs) Tuck Shop!
Rev Geraldine Granger: ______________, everyone! Just been reading ______
__________________ about Saint John’s Gospel! Apparently it was written by
someone called Susan! Amazing! ___________!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
David: I’m sorry to report that ___________________________, which Frank
arranged, ______________! However that was an exception – ____________
________ for its community spirit, and we will have ample opportunity to
demonstrate that again at the autumn fair, ___________________________ –
and I’m confident that we can equal last year’s record of _______________
______________!
Voices: Hear, hear! Yes!
Ger:
___________________?
David: I beg your pardon?
Ger:
My (?) bronze would cost more than that!
David: Well no, it’s not Live Aid – we did just dip below the ___________________
____ last time round!
Owen: The woman’s right – ____________________________________! I propose
that we all bung in forty quid now and ______________________!
Ger:
No, no!
Let:
_________________________________________!
Owen: ___________________________ what a bloody pain in the arse this is!
(Sounds of agreement)
Ger:
No, no, no, no – look, I’m all in favour of the fair – I just think we need it to
David:
Ger:
Voices:
Ger:
David:
Frank:
Ger:
______________!
And does Sir Geraldine Geldof ______________ how to raise our first mil?
Well, ______________________. The crucial thing is ____________!
Hear, hear!
And if you start off with a pompous nobody you’re doomed! I think you were
scuppered last year, yeah, by a ___________________, yeah? __________
___________________?
_________!
“David, ________________”!
The awful truth, David, is, we’d probably pull a bigger crowd with _______
______!
Jim:
Churchill!
Let:
Oh, yes! Winston Churchill! ________________!
Jim:
Yes!
Ger:
__________________________________________!
Hugo Horton: Yes! _________! ______________, Topcat!
Ger:
Yeah! Like a television personality!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Let:
Jim:
Ger:
David:
Ger:
Hugo:
Oh! You mean, Michael Fish?
Nice one!
Well, perhaps David is __________________ after all!
Oh, no – no, you have made it quite clear that ____________________! I’m
sure that Mr Fish or _____________________, _______________________
_______________ will be happy to oblige! Right, if there is no other business,
______________________! Goodnight!
Oh dear!
What about Jack from House of Elliott? He, he’s pretty cool!
Ger:
Yeah! I was thinking more of Daniel Day Lewis! Although maybe ___
__________________________________, eh?
Frank: You could try Ed the Duck! He’s pretty charismatic!
Ger:
Yes!
David:
Hugo:
David:
Hugo:
David:
What I have given __________________________!
Yes! You gave them dysentery last year when that slurry fell in the river!
__________________________! _________________________!
The David Horton cup!
A bench for the green!
Hugo:
David:
Hugo:
David:
______________________!
A hut for the scouts!
_____________ – dedicated to David Horton!
And _________________________? _______! I even provided the land for the
bowling club! A crucial village amenity! And ________________________
______?
_____, _________? Still, this big celebrity’s pretty exciting, isn’t it? ________
______________? Mel Gibson? Kevin Costner? Princess Diana?
Hugo:
Ger:
So Babs just isn’t available at all? And what about the other Beverley Sisters?
No. Sorry? Babs’s daughter could do it? No, no, no! _________________
_______! _______________? Chiropodist! Well, ________________________
______, does it? I’m sure she’d be lovely! Can you excuse me a moment? ____
___________? I’m getting excited by ________________________ of a
Beverley Sister! No, no, no, no, no! Hello again! Obviously I’m going to have
consult with my committee on that and _______________! Yeah! Out of
interest, ________________________? Uh huh! And that’s for the full
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
massage? Excellent! Lovely! Thank you very much! Bye bye! Oh!
Alice Tinker: Afternoon, Vicar!
Ger:
Oh, hello!
Alice: ____________________________________?
Ger:
Not as such, no!
Alice: Don’t worry – _____________ – an angel told me __________________
_________!
Ger:
Alice, sweetheart, _________________ that Prince Charles was going to marry
Sinead O’Connor, didn’t it? I think that might be _____________________!
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
But I am going to help, so hard!
Oh?
Look!
Oh!
________________________________! Right! Now, this one’s an elephant –
well, _________________! Here!
Yes! ______________________!
And ________________________!
Right! __________________________________, do they?
No – well, they wouldn’t, ’cause _____________________________!
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Right!
You can tell by the ears, you see!
Yes, ______________________, hasn’t it?
That’s its trunk, silly!
Ah! Now ________________________, with a proper trunk and everything!
That’s a giraffe – _______________!
What have you stuffed it with? Foam?
No, pasta!
_____?
Yes, and _________________, you know, so it’s all nice and sloshy, because-
Ger:
But _______________________ and everything – _______!
Alice – listen! _________________________________ your Epistles properly,
have you? Because in Saint Paul’s letter to the Ephesians he distinctly says,
“My brothers, ____________________________: first, love the Lord, and
second, __________________________________”! No, no, look, come on,
come on! ________________ - why don’t we just sell these, and ________
____________________! Let’s say that they’re mysterious creatures from
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
another planet or something!
Hey, er, and we could ______________________!
Yeah!
___________________!
Yes – ______!
Alice: I’ll put the kettle on!
David: ______________, Vicar!
Ger:
Hello, David! _________________! Come in! And Hugo! You’re looking
virtually edible in _______________________!
Hugo: It’s old, really!
David: I didn’t know flirting was on the syllabus at theological colleges!
Ger:
Oh, yes! _____________________!
David: _____________________________ in the village newsletter – __________
____________, I hope?
Ger:
Well, yes, actually! Look, I had three of the Nolans in the palm of my handDavid: Oh, dear! I am mortified! _____________________! The thought of Michael
Fish! Michael Fish! The Fishter – _____________________!
Hugo:
Alice:
Hugo:
Alice:
Hugo:
Alice:
Did you know, _______________________ with Daniel Day Lewis?
No! She didn’t!
Yeah! But apparently – _____________!
Oh, ______________________________________, and decided to become a
Mohican!
Yeah! It must be - terrible n- not to be with __________________!
Oh, yeah! _____________, isn’t it?
David: I know someone who knows Debbie McGee’s gardener! _______________
______? Come along, Hugo!
Hugo:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Sorry, Father! See you later! Bye, Vicar!
Bye!
Trouble is, __________________________!
Well _____________!
The only showbiz person that I know is my second cousin, but
___________________________________! His name was Reg Dwight! His
mum, right, got cross at me because I pulled his hair to stop him playing the
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
piano and ________________________!
Reg Dwight!
We called him Baldy! Unfortunately ______________________________
______ after that, but –
Reg Dwight! Alice!
Mm?
I think it’s time ________________________________!
Oh, all right! Oh, it would be nice to see old Speccy Four Eyes again!
Now – ____!
Alice:
Ger:
You mean ___________________________?
Yes!
Let:
Alice:
God’s path is for walking, Alice!
Yes, Mrs Cropley!
Alice:
_________________! He’s coming down!
Ger:
Alice:
David: Sad, isn’t it? ________________! _____________________________, and
_____________________________! Jeremy Bates, Peter Sarstedt, Graham
Taylor, our Vicar!
Hugo: __________________________________?
David: Hugo, our Vicar has as many connections with ___________________ as I
have with the Black Panther Movement! _____________ – they’ll soon be
___________________________!
Hugo:
Ger:
David:
Ger:
Elton John! Well, that’s pretty good, isn’t it, Father? E- E- Elton John!
Hello, Handsome! And David, how are you?
_________________!
Great! We’re all hunky dory here!
Let:
Jim:
Hugo:
Ger:
Frank:
Alice:
Hugo:
It seems to me that she led her life like a candle in the wind!
No, no, no, no, no, __________________________!
That’s it – jolly good name!
___________________________, but of course it’s all down to lovely Alice!
______________________! We won’t let the sun go down on her!
I’m running my own stall too! “_______________________________”!
Good Lord! __________________________________!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Alice: Oh! _______?
David: What about you, Jim? Got a stall?
Jim:
No, no, no, no, no, no – no! I’m doing the loudspeaking announcements! _
___________________________!
Let:
At least this year we’ve got ____________________ doing the flowers, instead
of __________________! ____________________?
David: Right! ___________________________ then! Come on, Hugo!
Hugo: Coming, Father! Great giraffe, too! Brilliant, just ____________________!
Owen: Ah! Now, Vicar, I’ve heard about _____________________, and I’m rather
afraid he’ll be expecting someone to supply some drugs!
Ger:
Yes!
Owen: Problem is, _____________________________, and no one seems to have any
heroin! Do you think Night Nurse will do?
Ger:
__________! ________________! Good thinking, Owen!
David: This is intolerable! Isn’t it time you hauled up stakes?
Alice: It’s a last minute idea I had! We’re having a fashion parade at the end of the
fête, and people have to come as ________________________________!
Ger:
Oh, look at Mrs C!
David: Oh, Mrs Cropley! _____________, or did Mr John write a song about Danny
La Rue?
Let:
No! Marilyn Monroe! It seemed to him, she lived her life like a candle in the
wind! Never knowing who to cling to, ____________________!
Ger:
I think you’ll find, David, that Jim is _____________! Come in, Jim Trott!
Jim:
A skinhead! Saturday night’s all right for fighting and I’mDavid: Yes, well! Much as I’d like to _____________________ who’s had their brains
surgically removed, Vicar, I’m afraid you’ll find that myself and Hugo
______________________ to join in this particular piece of __________
_____________!
Alice:
Hugo:
Hugo!
Get it? I’m, I’m Dorothy! Wizard of Oz! Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road! ____
_______________________________! Sorry, Father!
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ooh, _____________________________! Ooh, I can’t wait!
Eyes closed!
Oh, will do!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
________________!
Yeah!
Ow! They should do very well! Right, open! He’s going to love these! He
wears these sort of things ____________!
Alice: ______________!
Ger:
_______________, aren’t they?
Alice: Yes! He’s here! I can’t believe it!
Ger:
Shh! Ssh! Well _____________! Ooh – loo! Hi, Elton, Elton, hi!
Reg Dwight: Hello!
Ger:
Reg:
Hello!
_____________________________! Reg Dwight!
Jim:
No, no, no, no, no parking is allowed on the other field! No, no, no, no, no,
refreshments will be available in ____________________!
Ger:
Reg:
Ger:
Reg:
Well! _____________________ - Reg Dwight!
I tell you this is going to be a day _________________!
Yes – I think it’s going to __________________ too!
See little Alice _____________________!
Ger:
Yes! She should ______________________! Probably just the thrill of ______
_________, Reg Dwight! Come on, clever, talented little Alice, and such a
tight-knit family! ______________________, dear! There!
It’s quite an honour to be asked to open a village fair! I’ve never been asked to
_______________________ before now!
You? __________________________? ____________! The mad world, isn’t
it? It’s just nuts!
Well, well, except for once – and it turned out __________________________
______! ______________________, you see! ’Cause his name used to be Reg
Dwight!
Reg:
Ger:
Reg:
Ger:
Reg:
Ger:
Reg:
__________________!
Oh, yes – still, I see you like old Elton!
Yes, yes! Oh, that? No, no, that’s __________________, that that’s playing!
This? __________________________ now! Do sit down, Reg Dwight! Reg
Dwight! Oh, that? That’s just Ben Elton!
Oh, er, I’ve brought one of my tapes, ____________________! That’s the live
album! ________________________!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Ger:
Reg:
Alice:
Yes, well, that should ________________ of the entire audience perfectly!
__________________ just a mini-moment?
Hello, Alice!
Hello, Reg!
Let:
Ger:
Frank:
Ger:
__________________?
Yes, and no!
_______________________________?
Not exactly, no!
Let:
Reg:
Let:
Ger:
Owen:
Reg:
Owen:
Ger:
Reg:
Ger:
Oh!
Hello there!
Oh - ______________________________________ without his wig!
That is because ___________________________________!
Hello, mate!
Hello!
__________________?
(laughs) You! (laughs)
_____________________________, weren’t you?
No! No! No! No! Or, _____________, yes!
Let:
Let:
Ger:
_____________, I’d ask that Mr Dwight to open it, Vicar! If he can fool me
and Frank, __________________!
Yes, well I’m afraid you’re not _________________!
Oh, I’ve got a Gilbert O’Sullivan(1) record! The one where ______________
____________!
No, no, no, no, no – I’m just going to have to go out there and
___________________ – _________________!
Yeah, yeah!
Now how does this sound? “Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately I just
Let:
received a phone call from Elton John and ____________________. In fact,
_________!
Yes!
Ger:
Let:
Ger:
Jim:
Man:
No, no, no, no, no parking is allowed on the upper field! Thank you!
Sorry – is that “no parking is allowed in the upper field” or “__________
__________________________”?
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Jim:
No, no, no, no, no parking is allowed on the upper field! __?
Ger:
David! Hello!
David: ____________________________! What a total and utter unmitigated
cock-up! I thought the fair in ’87 was ___________________ when those
bloody kids ____________________________, but this really is the queen of
balls-ups! _________________________________ Elton John and you invite
Rambling Syd Rumpo(2)!
Ger:
David, this is Reg Dwight!
David:
Frank:
Let:
Ger:
___________! _______________________!
______________________________!
Such larks!
David! Would you like to just come here a moment? You see, the thing is,
somebody’s ___________________ and tell the crowd about _____________
___________, yeah? Now obviously, _____________________, but
unfortunately, ________________ of the most dramatic nature- I mean, to be
honest, _________________, __________________________! And I was just
wondering whether ________________________ instead?
David: __!
Ger:
Fair enough! __________________!
Girl:
Ger:
Boy:
Ger:
Is Elton John in your house?
Er – _____________!
When’s he coming out?
_____________________! After all I’ve done for you! I could have been a
prima ballerina!
Kylie Minogue: Hello! Vicar!
Ger:
Yes?
Kylie: ______________________ – has Elton arrived?
Ger:
Kylie:
Ger:
Kylie:
Ger:
Elton?
Yeah! I, I heard he was opening the fair – I thought I’d just ___________
____________!
Oh God!
Ah!
Oh God! My darling! Kylie, I’m going to ___________________, you totally
fabulous woman! There’s been _________________ on the Elton front – well,
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Kylie:
Ger:
not so much a hiccup, more like a huge great big belch with an accidental bit of
sick in it! You wouldn’t _________________________, would you?
Like what?
________________________, before I reply to that? If you do this, _________
___________ on earth – sex, drugs, ritual Satanism – I can guarantee you ___
___________________! You and God – just like this to each other! Jesus – row
seat! Elvis – __________________! Gandhi – sod him! Mm? Mm? Mm?
Well, er, my mother did always tell me, ________________________!
__________________!
Kylie:
Ow!
Ger:
Kylie:
Ger:
Kyles, have you ever thought of going into the priesthood yourself?
No, ________________!
Oh, but you’d be so good at it! _________________________ in one simple
move! You might have to think about ______________________ – the Church
of England hasn’t come to terms with hot pants yet – I know, __________!
Ger:
Ladies and gentlemen, ______________________________ to the published
schedule for today-
Kylie:
Ger:
______! As in “Hitler was slightly nasty”!
I’m afraid, erm, Elton John won’t be able to join us____________________________ sometimes?
But, ___________________________ in his stead one of Oxfordshire’s most
popular entertainers – yes, it’s Reg Dwight!
David: What a coup!
Ger:
And just for you, here today, _______________ – lucky, lucky, lucky! – to
have with us _____________________ – I don’t care what the Bible says about
___________________ – I’d snog her any day! The one, the only – Kylie
Minogue! Yes!
David:
Ger:
David:
Ger:
Hugo:
Ger:
I, I can’t believe it! I, I, __________________!
Who incidentally is thinking of taking holy orders next autumn – so _________
_____________! Hm hm!
Hugo: _________________, Father?
David: Yes, isn’t it? She’s always been one of my favourite contemporary entertainers!
Kylie: Ladies and Gentlemen, __________________________ to declare the Dibley
Fair _______________!
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
(Song: Elton John, “Crocodile Rock”)
Ger:
Kylie:
Ger:
Kylie:
And now please, the award for ____________________________! We have
Owen Newitt’s potato, Jim Trott’s parsnip, and Hugo Horton’s carrot, in the
shape of David Mellor(3)!
_________________ – Hugo Horton!
________, OK? _______________________ – _____________, please!
_______________!
Owen: (Crocodile Rock) La, la, la, la, la, la / La, la, la, la, la / La, la, la, la, la / But the
years went by, and the rock just died, / Suzie went and left us for some foreign
guy / Long nights crying by the record machine / Dreaming of my Chevy and
my old blue jeans / But they’ll never kill the thrills we’ve got …
Ger:
_____________! You wouldn’t have any lippy for _____________________,
would you? Ooh, great! Now give me the dirt on Prince(4)!
Kylie: No, _______!
Ger:
I said, __________________________!
Kylie: Well …
Owen (and Let): La, la, la, la, la, la / La, la, la, la, la / La, la, la, la, la!
Ger:
__________________________!
Kylie: And we’re pleased to announce _____________________________ is –
Ger:
This is without the bid for Mrs Cropley’s orange cake with the delicious
Branston Pickle icing – __________________________________________
______!
Kylie: Well done, Dibley!
Frank: ___________________ she kissed Hugo?
Jim:
Owen:
Jim:
Hugo:
Ger:
Hugo:
No, no, no, no, no – ________________________!
___________________, Jim?
No, no, no, no, no – __________________!
Come on!
No, I think he’s right! I wouldn’t be surprised if ________________________
before too long!
Oh, ______________! No, she’ll – never come back to the village! Lightning
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Jim:
Hugo:
Jim:
Hugo:
Jim:
doesn’t ______________________________!
No, no, no, no, no – _______!
_______?
Oh, yes – _______________________________________!
Good Lord! __________________________?
_____! ____________________________!
***
(1)
Irish-English singer/songwriter with 1972 hit “Clair”, about an uncle’s love for
a very young niece who he is babysitting. It contains some dubious words such
as “To me you are more than a child” and ends with a little girl’s laugh.
(2)
Imaginary country folk singer in ‘’50s – ‘’60s radio comedy show “Round the
Horne”.
(3)
Controversial MP and minister till mid-90s.
(4)
American singer/songwriter.
***
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
So, three nuns _________________________!
Oh, dear!
And _____________________!
_________!
And Peter’s at the gates, and he says, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to
_________________ before you can come in!”
Oh!
Mm. So he says to the first one, “Don’t worry – ______________________
____ – what was ___________________________?” And she says, “Eve!”
And he says, “Yeah! _________!” So he says to the second one, “_________
________?”
Oh, yes – I know!
Yeah, yeah, yeah – and she says, “Garden of Eden!” and he says, “Yeah,
_________!”
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Dibley1.3 Community Spirit
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Phew!
And ________________________, which was the mother superior, “I’m afraid
the question’s going to have to be ________________________ for you!”
Well, ___________, ’causeYeah, _________! And he says to her, “_______________________________
________?” And the mother superior says, “Mm, _________________!” He
says, “Yep! _________!”
But she hadn’t answered the question!
Pardon?
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
Alice:
Ger:
________________________________!
How do you mean?
Well _____________, and she didn’t answer the question!
Yes, ____________________, does it, as a joke!
Yes – just that little bit, needs a jig!
Well _________________________ anyway – ______, ________!
Alice:
Ger: