Proactive Parenting
Proactive
Parenting
Combining Love, Logic and
Consistency
Parenting Styles
What they mean and how it affects the relationship you have with your child
Drill Sergeant
Gives orders “Because I said so”
Focus on what the child is NOT doing
Punishments focused
Relationship between parent and child is a struggle.
Child feels powerless and misunderstood
Helicopter
Focus on their child not their own needs
“Hover”
Parents constantly rescue their kids from failure.
The message is “you are not capable”
The child is in control and can become manipulative and self-centered
Consultant
Expectations are clear and concise
The child is given choices
Democratic balance of power
The message is “you are capable”
Good communication
The relationship between parents and child is balanced and respectful.
Crime and
Punishment
How you discipline your child can make or break your relationship
Punishment vs. Consequence
Punishment
Definition “pain inflicted on a person guilty of some offense.”
The punishment does not necessarily have to bear any relationship to the offense.
Ex: A child forgets to do his chores and loses TV, video games, phone, ipod, gets grounded etc…
Consequence
Definition “ that which follows some action.”
In other words, it is referring to cause and effect. Sometimes referred to as “natural consequence.
Ex:
If you lie often, people won’t trust you.
If you go outside without a coat, you will get cold.
The Cycle of Discipline
Punishment
Child misbehaves
Parental
Frustration &
Quick Response punishment
Parent feels better and believes their control has been maintained
Child quickly forgets why they had a consequence
Child may be resentful or confused about consequence
Parent/child relationship is damaged
The Cycle of Discipline
Consequences
Child Misbehaves
Parent and child calmly discuss behavior and its effects
A logical consequence of action is determined
Child performs the task and develops cause and effect thinking
Parent and child
Relationship is repaired.
“ Traditional” Discipline
Spanking
• Over too quickly
• Damages relationship
Yell/Lecture
• Can cause a power struggle
Loss of TV/Video games/Grounding
• Doesn’t teach real world context
• Not always effective so parent is forced into a consequence trap
Behavior/Sticker Chart
• Not flexible so you are “chained to the fridge”
• Not a meaningful reward
This is the Real World!
The logistics of raising responsible children
What is the purpose of consequences?
To teach children and help them learn and grow
To prepare them for life on their own
To teach them about healthy, long term relationships.
To teach long term cause and effect thinking about their behavior.
A Consequence is NOT about power- Kids don’t learn from a power struggle
Logical Consequences
Repair the relationship
Apology of action
Restitution
Few Words
Empathy
Consequences mimc real world
Delivery of Consequence
Using Real World Logic
Is this consequence going to have the same implications for the child as it would if an adult behaved this way?
Examples:
Child yelling at parents
Child not doing work
Your relationship with your child gives the consequence power
Relationship = Foundation for discipline
Take an interest- remember why you love them
Forgive yourself and forgive you child
It is not being permissive to back off and restore the relationship.
Do we as adults respond better to people who take an interest in us?
How do you feel when you anger someone who doesn’t like you?
Positive Ways to Help Kids Learn and Grow
Listen to you child
Use reparative consequences
Let your children make mistakes as long as it is safe.
Always act out of love rather than anger
Pick your battles
Limit your words-no lectures
Love & Logic
Love will provided a safe and secure environment for the child to grow and thrive.
Logic can help them to understand that their actions have an impact on other people.
They can learn the consequences of their behavior and that they have a responsibility to repair any hurt they have done.
