Lesson Four
Love and Intimacy
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Goals
To become familiar with the concepts
of agape and eros—more commonly
known as love and lust.
 To gain experience in identifying three
dimensions of mature love, as well as
recognizing the problems for
relationships when the dimensions are
undeveloped or unbalanced.
 To develop an understanding of true
intimacy and how it develops.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Love
Lets look more deeply at the word LOVE
 Webster: Strong affection; warm
attachment; attraction based on
sexual desire; unselfish concern for
others; to cherish; to feel a passion,
devotion or tenderness for; or to take
pleasure in.
All of these concepts are expressed in
one little word, LOVE.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Eros & Agape
The ancient Greeks developed several
words to express the different kinds
of love.
 EROS: The chemistry of attraction. It is
associated with physical attraction, and especially
sexual desire. According to the Greek definition
EROS is self-centered. It is about selfgratification and can be temporary.
 AGAPE: This refers to the love of another
person. Agape is other-oriented. It is about
strong affection – a warm, tender, and deep
commitment to someone. It is giving
unconditional love with complete acceptance.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
EROS =
LUST
AGAPE =
LOVE
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Stays
Attraction
Pressures
Caring
Forever
Fast
Takes
Slow
Understanding
Sharing
On and Off
Surface
Deep
One-Sided
Selfish
Desire
For the moment
Tender
Pretending
Demanding
Kind
Patient Passion
Meaningful
Excitement
Tender
Appreciative
Giving
Honest
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Mature love
Can couples in love have chemistry and enjoy
being affectionate? Mature relationships, like
marriage, have a mixture of Eros and agape. It
takes time to find a good balance between the
two types of love. If the relationship is based
only or mostly on Eros, it is not likely to be a
satisfying relationship or marriage. It is likely
to be short lived and possibly one sided.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
•The sensual &
passionate dimension
of love
•The feelings that
draw two people
together & creates a
desire for physical
affection
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•Knowing someone well &
sharing thoughts and
feelings
•Acceptance & a deep
fondness for the whole
person
•Trust, sharing, honesty &
mutual support
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•Being able to
trust & be faithful
•Knowing you are
there for each
other
•Being willing to
commit and
invest in a future
together
FUTURE
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
What Kind of Relationship?
Commitment
#2
Friendship
#1
Chemistry
Friendship
Commitment
Commitment
Chemistry
#3
Friendship
Chemistry
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
What Kind of Relationship?
What would a relationship be like if it
were missing that side? How would you
characterize or describe it?
 Bring to mind a relationship like this one
from real life. Have you seen a
relationship like this among the people—
young or old—that you know, or in the
media?
 What problems might that couple have
down the road?

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Which Side is Missing?
Maria and Chris were both 29 years old; they
were great friends and found each other very
attractive. When they were together, their
time was very fulfilling. There was a lot of
chemistry between them. They'd been dating
for four years. They enjoyed each other and
could talk for hours. But, they each made
decisions in terms of what was best for each of
them as individuals. Their careers took priority
and both were unwilling to consider the needs
of the other or plan for a future together.
Each wanted to keep their individual options
open— not wanting to miss any personal
opportunity.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Which Side is Missing?
When Tom and Mary were 19 years old they fell
in love practically at first sight. They were
magically drawn to each other and couldn't bear
to be apart. They quickly got sexually involved
and within two weeks had moved in with each
other. A month later they eloped. A year and a
half later they discovered they really weren't
very compatible. They had totally different
interests and values. They were not good
friends, their communication wasn’t very good
and they didn’t have much fun anymore.
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Which Side is Missing?
Kevin and Keisha were very good
friends. They enjoyed talking to each
other and could talk for hours. They
shared tons of interests. They had no
better friend. But there was no heat,
no physical attraction, or chemistry.
After 18 months of being inseparable
as pals, they thought “Why not? Let's
get hitched, since we're so compatible
and enjoy each other’s company.”
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Research Findings
Q. What do you think researchers have
found out in surveys when asking couples
what they want most in a marriage?
A. Couples young or old, engaged or
married, say they want a best friend.
So, it turns out that the Friendship
side turns out to be pretty important.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Research Findings
Q. What have sex researchers found to be connected with sexual
satisfaction—both physical and emotional—among adults? Is it
mostly about moves, technique, or size of body parts?
A. Researchers have found that a sense of
meaning attached to the sexual act, love, and
commitment seem to be key ingredients in
satisfying sex. In other words, those couples with
the emotional connection of a true friendship
where they are committed tend to report more
satisfying sex lives. So, it turns out that
Chemistry is linked to Friendship and Commitment.
In fact, married couples, on average, report more
satisfying sex lives than singles.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Research Findings
Q. How is communication related to the Three
Sides of Love?
A. Researchers find that a key predictor of
marital success or failure is how well you
communicate and handle conflict. Your
communication skills seem to be critical to
keeping commitment strong. Communication
is important for establishing, maintaining,
and deepening friendship. All of this helps
fuel the ongoing attraction/chemistry for
each other.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
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Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
Verbal
Talk
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Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
Verbal
Talk
Emotional
Feelings
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Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
Verbal
Talk
Emotional
Feelings
Social
Activities and Interests
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Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
Verbal
Talk
Emotional
Feelings
Social
Activities and Interests
Spiritual
Values and Beliefs
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Physical
Physical Affection/Touch
Verbal
Talk
Emotional
Feelings
Social
Activities and Interests
Spiritual
Values and Beliefs
Commitment
Loyalty, Trust, Healthy
Giving, Long-term View,
Team-centeredness
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
True Intimacy
Real love takes time. It involves tender feelings and
physical affection, but also much more. It involves
respect for each other even though you recognize
each other’s faults. It involves honesty, trust,
unselfish devotion, and admiration that last over a
long period. It involves talking seriously about your
values and ideals and sharing your goals. It means
both partners give of themselves generously. It
means supporting each other emotionally and not
doing something that will hurt the other person’s
feelings.
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True Intimacy
It means that each partner puts the other’s feelings
ahead of his or her own. And it means one partner
doesn’t pressure the other to do something they’re not
ready for. It means both partners want to say “I love
you,” and, when they do, they mean it. All of these
things that make up love take a long time to grow. This
doesn’t usually happen until couples are in their
twenties.
Pogany, Susan. 1998. Sex Smarts: 501 Reasons to Hold Off on Sex, Fairview Press:
Minneapolis. Page 23-24.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Physical: Jessie and Ben are very
physically involved. They spend a lot of
time kissing and making-out. They’ve
touched each other above the waist under
their clothes, and have moved on to
touching below the waist under their
clothes. They have not had sexual
intercourse but are very close to it.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Verbal: Jessie and Ben hardly talk at
length about anything important. Yhe small
talk they have is about either sports (in
which she isn’t too interested) or gossip
about someone (which he thinks is a bore).
They argue a lot over little things. Jessie
wants to go to college and loves to read
novels and talk about ideas. Ben is not
that great at school. He’s not a reader
and changes the subject whenever Jessie
gets serious.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Emotional: Jessie believes she “loves” Ben and
wants their relationship to last forever. Ben
likes her and thinks this relationship is okay for
now, but he definitely doesn’t think much about
the future or feel that she is “the one.”
Because she’s afraid to lose him, she tries to
keep tabs on where he is and with whom he’s
hanging out. He ends up giving in to her
preferences a lot and keeps quiet so he doesn’t
have to deal with her mood swings. Also, he’s
pretty even-keeled emotionally and would rather
not rock the boat.
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Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Social: Her idea of spending time
together is having him hang out with her
friends or going on group dates. He
would rather spend time alone with her at
her house—listening to music, shooting
hoops or just getting hot and heavy
physically while they’re alone. He’s not
into her interests or what she thinks is
fun to do. Also, she’d like to get
dressed up and go to a nice restaurant,
but McDonald’s is as fancy as he ever
wants. Even so, they both do like
watching videos.
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Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Spiritual: She likes to talk about the
things she really believes. She also likes
to laugh and have fun. He makes fun of
her serious side and her interest in
talking about deep beliefs. He quit church
after his confirmation and says honesty is
good enough for him.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?

Commitment: He hasn’t thought beyond
next month. She’s hoping to talk him into
staying in school and going to college with
her so that they can stay together. In
fact, she’s writing his papers at school to
improve his grades.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?
1. Would you say they have a “best
friends” relationship?



Do they share basic values?
Do they enjoy doing many things together?
Do they enjoy talking to each other sharing thoughts and ideas?
2. How emotionally healthy is their
relationship?



Is it trusting and secure?
Are their feelings for each other mutual?
Is it mostly physical or is the attraction on
many levels?
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Chart A Relationship: How Connected?
3. Do they each have a clear sense of
identity (i.e., know who they are)?
Do you think they both have a lot more
growing up to do?
 Are they a good match for a long-term
relationship?
4. Do you think it is a good idea for them to have
sex together?
 Is it likely one or both of them will have
regrets later if they have sex?
 Is it likely that one or the other may end up
cheating?

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
True Intimacy

True intimacy involves the linking of “hearts
and souls.” It doesn’t come fast, or easily.
It’s built over time as more emotional,
verbal, social, and spiritual connections are
made. And, as two people trust and commit
to each other, these connections are
deepened. Sex often fools people into
believing they are close. A person thinks he
or she is close to someone, but all the two
really have is a physical connection. In fact,
for a lot of couples, sex may be a substitute
for true intimacy.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Homework

Workbook Applications
Eros or Agape? Is it Lust or Love?
 Real Love—Keeping it Strong
 True Intimacy—It’s Not Just a Physical
Thing
 Avoiding Sexual Regrets—My Personal
Line

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.