Choices in
Relationships
Chapter Three: Love in Relationships
Descriptions of Love
• Sternberg developed the “triangular” view
of love as consisting of three basic
elements—intimacy, passion, and
commitment.
• The presence or absence of these three
elements provides a description of various
types of love experienced between
individuals regardless of their sexual
orientation.
Descriptions of Love
1. Nonlove:
–
the absence of intimacy, passion, and
commitment
•
Two strangers looking at each other from afar
have a nonlove.
2. Liking:
–
intimacy without passion or commitment
•
A new friendship may be described in these
terms of the partners liking each other.
Descriptions of Love
3. Infatuation
–
passion without intimacy or commitment
•
Two persons flirting with each other in a bar
may be infatuated with each other.
4. Romantic love
–
intimacy and passion without commitment
•
Love at first sight reflects this type of love.
Descriptions of Love
5. Companionate love
–
intimacy and commitment without passion
•
A couple who have been married for fifty years
are said to have a companionate love.
6. Fatuous love
–
passion and commitment without intimacy
•
A couple who are passionately wild about each
other and talk of the future but do not have an
intimate connection with each other have a
fatuous love.
Descriptions of Love
7. Empty love
–
commitment without passion or intimacy
•
A couple who stay together for social and legal
reasons but who have no spark or sharing
between them have an empty love.
8. Consummate love
–
combination of intimacy, passion, and
commitment
•
Sternberg’s view of the ultimate, all-consuming
love.
Love in Societal Context
• Social Control of Love
– “Is love color blind or is love blinded by
color?”
• Over 95 percent of people marry someone of their
own racial background
• Another example of the social control of
love is that individuals attracted to
someone of the same sex quickly feel the
social and cultural disapproval of this
attraction.
Love in Societal Context
• Ancient Views of Love
– Buddhist Conception of Love
• The Buddhists conceived of two types of love—an
“unfortunate” kind of love (self-love) and a
“good” kind of love (creative spiritual attainment).
– Greek and Hebrew Conceptions of Love
• Three concepts of love introduced by the Greeks
and reflected in the New Testament are phileo,
agape, and eros.
Love in Societal Context
• Love in Medieval Europe —
From Economics to Romance
– Love in the 1100s was a concept influenced
by economic, political, and family structure.
– Marriages of the sons and daughters of the
aristocracy were arranged with the heirs of
other states with whom an alliance was
sought.
Love in Societal Context
•
Modern Conceptions of Love —
Love Styles
1. Ludus
–
The ludic lover views love as a game,
refuses to become dependent on any one
person, and does not encourage another’s
intimacy.
2. Pragma
–
The pragma love style is the love of the
pragmatic, who is logical and rational.
Love in Societal Context
•
Modern Conceptions of Love —
Love Styles
3. Eros
–
Just the opposite of the pragmatic love style,
the eros love style is one of passion and
romance.
4. Mania
–
The person with mania love style feels
intense emotion and sexual passion but is
out of control.
Love in Societal Context
• Modern Conceptions of Love —
Love Styles
5. Storge
– The storge love style is a calm, soothing,
nonsexual love devoid of intense passion.
6. Agape
– One of the forms of love identified by the
ancient Greeks, the agape love style is selfless
and giving, expecting nothing in return.
Love in Societal Context
• Romantic versus Realistic Love
Romantic Love:
– Romantic love is characterized by such beliefs
as love at first sight, there is only one true
love, and love conquers all.
– The symptoms of romantic love include
drastic mood swings, palpitations of the heart,
and intrusive thoughts about the partner.
Love in Societal Context
• Romantic versus Realistic Love
Realistic Love:
– Realistic love is also known as conjugal love.
– Conjugal (married) love is less emotional,
passionate, and exciting than romantic love
and is characterized by companionship,
calmness, comfort, and security.
Theories on the Origins of Love
• Evolutionary Theory
– Love has an evolutionary purpose by
providing a bonding mechanism between the
parents during the time their offspring are
dependent infants.
• Learning Theory
– Learning theory emphasizes that love feelings
develop in response to certain behaviors
occurring in certain contexts.
Theories on the Origins of Love
• Sociological Theory
– Suggests the wheel model as an explanation
for how love develops.
• Basically there are four stages of the wheel-—
rapport, self revelation, mutual dependency, and
personality need fulfillment.
• Psychosexual Theory
– According to psychosexual theory, love
results from blocked biological sexual desires.
Theories on the Origins of Love
• Ego-Ideal Theory
– Suggests that love springs from a state of
dissatisfaction with oneself and represents a
vain urge to reach one’s “ego-ideal.”
• Ontological Theory
– Love from an ontological perspective arises
from a lack of wholeness in our being.
Theories on the Origins of Love
• Biochemical Theory
– Suggests that there may be a biochemical
basis for love feelings.
• Attachment Theory
– The attachment theory of love emphasizes
that a primary motivation in life is to be
connected with other people.
Theories on the Origins of Love
How Love Develops
in a New Relationship
• Social Conditions for Love
– Our society promotes love through popular
music, movies, television, and novels.
• Psychological Conditions for Love
– Two psychological conditions associated with
the development of healthy love relationships
are high self-esteem and self-disclosure.
How Love Develops
in a New Relationship
• Physiological and Cognitive Conditions
for Love
– The individual must be physiologically
aroused and interpret this stirred-up state as
love.
Love as a Context for Problems
• Simultaneous Loves
– Some people (particularly those separated from the
love partner, who may meet and fall in love with
another) report the dilemma of being in love with two
people at the same time.
• Abusive or Unfulfilling Love Relationships
– Another problem associated with love is being in love
with someone who may be emotionally or physically
abusive.
Love as a Context for Problems
• Context for Risky/Dangerous/
Questionable Choices
– Individuals are aware that love may cause
them problems.
– Plato said that “love is a grave mental illness,”
and some research suggests that individuals in
love make risky/dangerous/questionable
decisions.
Jealousy in Relationships
• Jealousy can be defined as an emotional
response to a perceived or real threat to an
important or valued relationship.
• Causes of Jealousy
– External Causes
• External factors refer to behaviors the partner
engages in that are interpreted as (1) an emotional
and/or sexual interest in someone (or something)
else or (2) a lack of emotional and/or sexual
interest in the primary partner.
Jealousy in Relationships
• Causes of Jealousy
– Internal Causes
•
•
•
•
•
Mistrust
Low self-esteem.
Being involved and dependent.
Lack of perceived alternatives.
Insecurity
Jealousy in Relationships
• Consequences of Jealousy
– Jealousy can have both desirable and
undesirable consequences.
• Compersion
– Compersion, describing the situation in
which an individual feels positive about a
partner’s emotional and sexual enjoyment
with another person, is the “opposite” of
jealousy.